" It seems as though I can never

keep what I want.

Fore my desires, what make me human,

strip me of my sanity.

And tear at my conscience. "

"Another day passes
With longing for you.
I only wanna see you so I close my eyes.
But you keep getting farther away from me.
... Can't we be in love?
Love is so selfish.
... Only my heart knows, my precious person.
Whenever I look at you, my heart aches.
It hurts as much as I love.
Because you're someone I shouldn't love."

— So Hyang: "Only my heart knows"

TW: this chapter has themes of death, suicide.
⚠️ contains infrequent coarse language and brief mentioning of religious themes!

— — — —

June 13th | Mitaka, Tokyo, Japan
— 9: 06 p.m [JST]

    "So, tell me about him."

She lowered her torso over the back of the sofa, her eyes beamed at the story Dazai had begun to tell.

He shot her a look before returning to his reading.

"Get out of that Damn book and talk to me sheesh."
Dazai closed a book he'd been immersed in.
The hard cover resonated with the rain just outside the window.

"Annoying. That's it."
"Pfft, are you sure? You've been zoning in and out quite frequently since we've been here.
They can't be too annoying if you're thinking about them this much."

"I thought you were a beautician, not a therapist. Don't worry your pretty little head about it."

"Never said I was a therapist. But he has a right to feel this way. Regardless to how you feel about it. If I were him I would've smacked the shit out of you."

"...He did."

"It's what you deserved. Jackass."

"Tch, the last thing I wanted to do was come here to be annoyed. If you'll excuse me I'd like to get back to this, thank you." He gestured the book over his head.

"Nope. I'm pretty clueless. I've purposefully been trying to get on your nerves for the last month. Haven't you noticed? Tsk, and you've been rereading the same thing since we've been here."

"If you can't read it over and over then the literature's no good."
"You're acting like we're here for a damn book club... Honestly knowing that today's the day is giving me unquenchable anxiety. I have a lot of things on my mind and it's be nice if you let that wall of yours down while we're at it."
She pouted, throwing herself noisily onto the leather couch, her back facing Dazai.

"...Annoying."

In a burst Tomie rose from the couch.
Her small figure stomped towards Dazai, whom was still engrossed in the pages he seemed to have not read at least two dozen times.

"I'm just trying to be the voice of reason. It seems you're lacking a bit in common sense. You obviously think your way is the right way and the only way."

Dazai huffed, turning a page in the book as she continued.

"From what you've said so far he's a sweetheart. I can tell you that much. Guy's been putting up with your crap for what... three years right? And you continued to dog him like that? Then telling him you don't love him when in reality the only person you don't love is yourself."

"Ha, sure. Do we really have to do this right now?"

"Darling. I can look at you and tell you haven't been cared for a day in your life. Let alone loved."

Dazai clucked his tongue to his cheek as she plopped down onto the wicker chair just before him.

"Anyways, am I wrong? You're head over heels for the guy. Sheesh you should've seen your face while you were talking about him earlier. And don't get me started on that. Everything you've done up until know is the embodiment of self hate."

He began to tap the book on his thigh.
His eyes narrowed, still fixed on her.

Tomie sighed. "Look I understand.your childhood wasn't one of good circumstances and all that but that doesn't give you an excuse you know."
She fiddled with an empty tea cup on the table.
"You should've moved pass that and turned it into something you could've learned from. Instead you're keeping yourself in the past so you don't have to deal with the present."
"Are you trying to say my childhood's responsible for how I am?"
"Just a little bit. But oh you don't have to listen to me I'm not a therapist."

"..."

"Your life's nothing but insignificant so you go and behave immorally because you believe that somewhere along the way someone's gonna help you out of that hole you've dug yourself."

"What's this? You're more shrewd than I thought."

"Believe me, that was more so for myself than you..." Her expression grew dark as she lowered her head.

"It's a bit too late for that but I'm glad you got it out."

She glanced over, unsure whether his words were mocking or sincere.

"...There're somethings I left unsaid. Part of me wants to rush over there and pour my heart out... But I think not doing so is best for the both of us."
"...To me it sounds like you shouldn't be here. You don't sound 'ready to leave it all behind' to me. Why did you wanna come here anyway?"
Dazai could hear an honest curiosity in her voice.

"No, I am. I didn't leave anything unresolved. But I was such an ass I'd rather die than go back and ask for forgiveness...With the way I ended things it'd be pointless for us to reconcile."
Dazai cupped the palms of his hands on his jaw.

"But you're regretting it."

She was sure of herself, throwing one leg over the other as she leaned over the table towards him.
Her kimono shifted on her shoulder as she threw a look that was hard to read.
"I'd tell you to make up, but then you'd leave me here by my lonesome... I don't think I'll find anyone as enthusiastic as you are about dying."

Dazai said nothing as she got up and waltzed over to his chair. Tomie propped herself on the arm chair. She bent to rest her head on his shoulder, exhaling deeply as if to remind him that she was there.

There was a deafening silence.
One that existed even through the harsh pitter patter of the rain. He gaped into the distance languidly.

"You know the tale of the spiders thread?"

"Isn't that the book you've been rereading?"

"Yeah. The one where he's given a second chance after being condemned to hell. There're all these other people trying to climb the thread out of there as well... But the man is selfish. And determined that no one else is gonna get out but him so he casts them off the thread. And then it snaps."

Tomie furrowed her brows as Dazai talked with a inert expression.

"Sometimes I feel as though I'm the main character."

"The main character? Of the book?"

He nodded. "I've been unhappy. And because of that I've strived to make others unhappy. Even the one person that tried to succor me."

"—If things don't turn out how we'd want them to... Like if we don't actually die tonight...would you go back to him?"

"Ha. It's pathetic but yeah. Yeah, I would."

His voice was barely a whisper.
His words caught in his throat as he blinked back tears he was sure would fall.
"So I have to make it where I can't go back.
If I broke my legs I'd crawl there.
Even if I lost my sight... I'd find a way.
That's why it has to be today. While I'm still feeling that this is the right decision."

"But if you think about it is this really the right decision? It isn't the only decision either. Once you're dead you're dead. That's it. Some people'll grieve and you'll be gone—."

"What about you?" Dazai asked lazily, turning his head a bit to see her expression.
"There's a marriage that I can't get out of... I'm tired of worrying of the future. But more so I'm really missing someone."

"Why can't you just cancel the marriage? Or run off somewhere?" He spoke lightheartedly, seeming to take her concerns with a grain of salt.

"What?", She scoffed. "A woman of my age deciding to not go through with her wedding? To a well off fiancé for 'no plausible reason'? Please...
They'd make it so I could never walk around with my head up. You wouldn't know but word travels fast for women."

"People are still going to talk about you you know."

"Yeah. But I won't be around to hear it and everyone will know just how tattered their morals are. And who knows, if I don't end up leaving here peacefully I'll just haunt every last one of them."
She swung her feet back and forth against the foot board as she let out a light, chilling chuckle.

She straightened in her seat as she looked off into the distance. "Ha, I've tried this before." Her gaze drifted towards her feet. "As you can see it didn't work out. My first husband... bless him. He was a poor but caring soul. He never told me how troubled he was." She cleared her throat and blinked back tears as she drew a long breath.
She mumbled something below her breath as she began to intertwine her fingers.
Dazai stared at her indifferently, watching her gestures.
Tomie placed her hands on her lap.

"The people that loved you. The ones you'll leave behind, it'll break their heart. That's why I want to leave so terribly. I'm tired of longing and mourning. I know I won't be able to see his face. Not where I'm going, but if the god in the sky doesn't think too lowly of me, I hope I do get to see him one last time."

"You're not religious are you?"

"Not at all. Ha. Could you tell?"

"Haha, I've met my share of doubters and whatnot.
Most of which call upon a random god whenever something has gone to shit."

"Then again you don't seem very religious either?"
He intertwined his hands, still slumped in his seat. "I've dabbled a bit. Not my forte but it's intriguing enough. I'll give it that."

She rose from the arm of the chair.
Feeling the coldness from the wooden floor with each step she took. A light creak followed.
"Even though we're going to die tonight I hope you don't take my words lightly. I meant everything I said. And who knows, on some crazy stretch of good luck you might just make it out of here."

— — — —

June 13th
Tamagawa Canal : Mikata, Tokyo, Japan
11:21 p.m [JST]

The air was chilly.
Too chilly in fact for a night so deep in summer.
The rain came down in buckets.
Like something out of a natural disaster film.
Even the lights from street lamps weren't visible.

"Haha."
"What?"
"If you think about it... Doesn't it seem like the skies are crying? Do you think those little winged babies are crying for us?"

"... They're not weeping for me." He mumbled.

Dazai squinted as he looked up into the sky.
The rain was invisible in the darkness.
And fog had formed along the river, making the visibility about three feet at most.

"Did you wanna go together or...?"
He took off his shoes, tossing them behind him.
"Nope. Ew don't make it sound like we're lovers."
There was a strange tone of content in her voice.

It was airy and devoid of negativity.

"I'll go first. Give me five minutes. If I don't come up then you're good to follow me—."
She paused letting out a shallow and ragged breath.
"Just make sure I'm dead, please." She turned, flashing him a smile that was hard to see even in the bright moonlight.

He found it a bit sad yet also a bit amusing.
It was humorous how cruel life was.
It was cruel how happy she seemed.

He bet she'd only been truly happy twice in her life. Oddly the second time was as she was ending it.

"Hey, Tsushima."
Dazai winced. He hadn't heard the name for so long that it almost felt like she was calling a stranger.
"Don't think too evil of me but... kinda hope you don't die just yet. Firstly, I hope you make up with that guy and quit those bad habits of yours. Then you should publish that drabble you've been up to. It's refreshing. I think people would like it."

How could she try and make a future for him so recklessly when she didn't even want to see hers?

An eerie quietness welcomed itself as she slowly turned. He stumbled towards her, reaching his hand out at nothing.
The last that Dazai saw was her disappearing, falling into the water before him.
The inevitable sound of a large splash followed, at which Dazai began to tremble. He dared not to look over but chose to do a deep bow before walking towards the edge of the embankment.

The canal had been swollen by three days of rain though today it received the most of it.
The water rippled with each raindrop that touched its surface. The edge was slicked with mud and water, making it easy to fall.

With carefulness he seated himself on one of the larger rocks about four feet from the aqueducts.
He shut his eyes and rose his chin towards the sky.
The heavy rain pelted his face, as well as silencing his thoughts. He felt himself drift into a state of emptiness as the thunder rolled over the horizon.

He inhaled deeply through his nose, letting out a holler into the night.
His howl drowned out by the storm.

Dazai staggered to his feet, his footing uneasy against the smooth, wet rocks.
The cherry blossoms had layered on the ground beneath the tree stumps, the grass beneath them became a muddled pink.
The heavens gave no mercy to even the trees as beautiful they were.

About of laughter escaped him which was succeeded by a flow of tears.
He couldn't stop laughing and crying.
Dazai grasped his chest.
His clothes soaking wet, had stuck to him.
His hair slicked by the rain, his bangs had blocked his sight.

He was sure he was having a panic attack.

An hour passed.
Just like that an hour had passed.
He shivered uncontrollably, possibly from the hypothermia he was acquiring.
He made his way towards the edge of the canal with uneasy steps.
The fog had lifted a bit and though murky, he was able to see his reflection in the water.
He looked ragged and worn.
His eyes bloodshot from tears.
His skin numb and clammy from the rain.

'Is it too late to repent? I've read somewhere that it's never too late...
But I've done so many unforgivable things there's really no reason for me to do this right?
There's no way I'd be forgiven, right?"

Dazai clasped his hands together.
He recited a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky he had read in a western newspaper the week before.

' Above all, don't lie to yourself.
The man who lies to himself
and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth
within him,
or around him, and so he loses all respect for himself and others.
And having no respect he ceases to love.'

Dazai had a strange sense of hope flood him, even if it was only for a moment.

He hoped that in his next life he'd meet Chuuya again. And that when he did he'd be a better person.
He hoped even the smallest things would be different for them.
That Chuuya would be happier.
That he'd try to focus on himself more.
Dazai hoped that they could go to more festivals and someday go abroad.
And they'd have no recollection of their past.
Dazai didn't want him to remember anything.
Except for the feelings they'd shared.
He hoped that he'd smile brightly at him, without a care or worry.
He hoped that he'd be able to tell Chuuya he loved him and that he was sorry beyond words or actions, even if he didn't know what for.
He wouldn't dare take a day in his presence for granted. He just wanted to cling onto the hope that he would see him again.

A mutter left his lips before a listless, hopeless smile forced its way onto his stern features.
He then plunged himself into the canal below.

: : : : AUTHORS NOTE [?] : : : :

QUICK FACTS:
— Shuji Tsushima is Dazai's real name.
Dazai Osamu was his pen name.
— Dazai osamu passed away on June 13th 1948
— he was writing a novel at the time titled "goodbye", which was never finished.
— One of Dazai's favorite authors was Ryūnosuke Akutagawa.
— Tomie Yamazaki was a widow who lost her husband due to war ten days after their marriage.