◤ gif credit to: rubydragon16 on Tumblr ◢

今日はあなたが死ぬことを望みました。しかし、明日の思いや約束はあなたの目に涙を浮かべます。

"This I want to believe implicitly:
Man was born for love and revolution."
- Dazai Osamu (The Setting Sun)

                                       • • •

The moon bore a silver illuminate against the tree branches as a steady breeze rocked them back and forth. There were small ripples on the seas surface that caused the waters to breach a bit onto the shore.

Dazai and Chuuya walked hand in hand down the narrow pathway. The lanterns casted red, fluorescent shadows on everything below them. Every now and then Chuuya would unconsciously grasp Dazai's hand tighter as would a child when they traveled pass a stall he was interested in.

There were a number of people that lined the narrow street. Most of them being high schoolers on dates and families with hyperactive children.

"Do you want to play some more or do you want something to eat. You said you've never been to a carnival so there's bound to be something you haven't tried, right?"
Chuuya looked down in thought. His chin rested against the head of the bear Dazai had won for him.

"...I am kinda hungry...But I don't know what to eat. What do you wanna eat?"

"Whatever you pick is fine."

Chuuya frowned. A bit disappointed that Dazai appeared to be indifferent.

"I don't know what to eat."
"Whatever you pick is fine."
"...Then...Takoyaki."

"Wait... You've never had Takoyaki?"

Dazai turned, attempting to hold in a snicker.
"W-What?! I thought I told you, I've never had it before. Don't laugh."

"Haha, I'm sorry." He leaned down, his lips brushed against the curve of Chuuya's ear.
"You were just being so cute about it. I couldn't help myself." Chuuya's cheeks reddened as he brought his hand up to cover the side of his face. "C-Cute?! Huh, are you stupid or what?!"

"Haha, do you want me to hold the bear while you eat?"

"Huh? Ah, yeah if you want."

He awkwardly handed over the stuffed animal after setting the skewer on the plate, afterwards Chuuya looked at his watch.

"...It's getting late."

"What's the rush? We haven't been out in a while." Dazai lifted his head and took a deep breath as a cool breeze swept pass, tousling his locks from the frame of his face.
"And tonight's especially beautiful." Dazai stared off at something into the distance.

Chuuya watched as the lantern lights reflected in his deep brown eyes.
He was beautiful.
Though it seemed almost lugubrious.

Dazai turned slightly, with his eyes closed he began to hum a rather familiar tune of which Chuuya remembered to be a nursery rhyme.

They continued silently through the passageway. Their steps crunched the grass beneath them as they detoured between stalls.

"I wanna make it to the Ferris wheel before the fireworks start." He faced Chuuya, a smirk lined his lips.

"Yeah, yeah. I want some ice cream though."

"...What? You just ate three servings of Takoyaki?" An exaggerated gasp escaped his mouth. "Wait! Is this a craving? Is there a baby I should know about or something!?"

"Don't be an idiot, dumbass!"

"Fine, fine." He laughed. "As an apology I'll
get you two cones."

"Ha, there's no way I'm eating two cones of ice cream. I'm not a child. You can't bribe me with ice cream—."

"How about... a sundae?"

"... An Oreo sundae."

Dazai simpered, placing his wallet in Chuuya's hand. "Do you want anything?", asked Chuuya before he turned away.
Dazai shook his head. "Nah, I'm gonna hold us a spot in line though. Don't take too long."

He spun on his heels after Chuuya was out of sight. His steps indolent as he waded through the night. Finally, the smiled faded.
Replaced by an expression which was much more unreserved.
Dazai rubbed his chin, lost in thought as he continued down the sidewalk towards the Ferris wheel.
It was lit with iridescent lights that interchanged between violet and cyan.

After making it to the ride Dazai docked himself under a tree in wait for Chuuya.
He rested his head against the rough bark, closing his eyes as he rhythmically tapped his index finger atop his knee. Under that tree, surrounded by a dark stillness, he thought.
Thoughts of which shifted to a dream that seemed to be of an eerie premonition.

If you could...
How could you describe nothingness?
If there is nothing, then is that must the state of nothingness? But something has no be absent for there to be nothing ... right?
What could there in the first place if there was always nothing?

It seemed like a narrative for a movie.
The first minute of a cliché horror film if you had to compare it to something.

Dazai frowned as the voice swept over him.
It was a dream obviously, but everything appeared so vivid that he felt he could actually touch it.
There were bare trees, their limbs danced within a soft breeze that swept across a vacant plain. Every action occurred in slow motion, the branches twisted wickedly, frame by frame.
The environment was inky and stretched as far as the eye could see.
The temperature was gelid. A violent shiver rose up his spine as he grasped his coat, of which was rather thin and ultimately served no purpose in these conditions.
Through this blackness there was nothing there to be seen other than himself.
There was a white noise that overtook the locale. The sound was of the pitter patter of rain. It's presence hinted a rather ominous feel.
Dazai opened his mouth and to his surprise no words came out. His breath wasn't even visible in these conditions.
There was a certain emptiness, a concentration of gloom that stuck in the air like a fog. No words could quite describe how desolate this place was. How desolate he he had seemed to become as he waited there. Dazai continued to wander through the space, a sand like substance shifted under his feet.
At least thirty yards from where he stood a luminous exposure appeared.

At first it dimmed, appearing like a harbor light. The glimmer and flicker reminiscent of a candle light. Bright and white in aspect, the gleam seemed to grow the closer he came towards it.
For some reason he couldn't help but break out into a sprint. ...The light somehow gave off a familiarity, and it almost felt as if it were calling out to him.
Dazai huffed, his actions seemed exaggerated due to the lack sound. He couldn't hear his supposedly ragged breath or his feet as they smacked against the ground.
He reached out his hand, an act filled with such desperation he felt he'd burst into tears.

"Huh?...Dazai I'm right here. You okay?"

He slowly opened his eyes.
Chuuya stood over him, his hand on his shoulder prompted him alert.

"Oh, sorry... I didn't know I dozed off."

"Yeah, you kept calling my name. It sounded like you were having a nightmare. I just got back so we'll still make it in time for the fireworks... Unless you wanted to go home? Are you tired?"
"Nope. I'm alright." Dazai grabbed Chuuya's hand, holding onto it tightly as they made their way to the Ferris wheel. "I was just bored without you." Chuuya looked away from Dazai towards the stuffed animal.
"Here", he said, handing him the bowl of ice cream. "I want my bear back. You can have this." Dazai lowered his eyes.

"Is this your way of trying to cheer me up?"

"Tch, if you don't want it then give it back."

He toyed with the almost empty container. Dazai drew a sigh and turned towards Chuuya.
His voice became low, dismal even.

"You know—."

Chuuya interrupted. "I can't wait for the fireworks." He gave a solemn smile, his eyes crinkled at the corners.
Dazai did the same, looking up at the pitch black sky. It was a clear backdrop for the impending display.

"Sorry. I know it's insensitive of me but...
I don't want you saying anything that would ruin this. I've been so happy lately it seems like a dream. Like I'll wake up and everything'll be over ya know. I hate thinking like that but that's reality... unfortunately—."

"...You're talking about him, right."

"Yeah— ha, sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm no longer in that place. It scares me."
An uneasy chuckle escaped Chuuya's lips as his weary gaze travelled to the ground. He was quiet for a time, his thumb traced the back of Dazai's hand as he leaned into him.

"But enough of this, god I'm getting depressed!"
He spoke loudly, taking off his hat and throwing his head back.

"I've had enough of your hat hair."

"Ugh, fix it for me please and thank you."

Dazai smiled softly as he reached over to rustle his hair. Chuuya rose an eyebrow after he dropped his hand. "Does it look better now?"

"Yep, like you just rolled out of bed."

"... Nope. I think I'll put my hat back on."
Dazai rose his arm, the hat danced above his head as he flailed it about.

"Haha, I like it though. Looks wild and sexy."

"Stop reading those corny romance novels when you go the library, okay."

Chuuya stared up at the large structure as the carriages rocked back and forth before coming to a halt. He was in awe, he'd only seen Ferris wheels in films, but up close they were so much more mesmerizing.

"Come on, hop in." Dazai treaded his pocket for the tickets after shooting him a quick smirk.

Chuuya anxiously mounted the Ferris wheel, wincing as it screeched. The carriage lurched a little, at which Chuuya crouched down and grasped his forearms.
He dropped his head between his shoulders, and bit his bottom lip as he shut his eyes.

"Jesus Christ. I think I'm gonna die."

The door was closed and soon after that the ride began to jerk. "Come here."
Dazai grabbed Chuuya by his hand and pulled him into his chest. As his face was buried in his coat he began to take steady breathes.
He closed his eyes for a moment, quiet, as if a sleep had overcome him.

"Chuuya?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to get off?"

He vigorously shook his head.
"No. I was overreacting. I'm better now."

"—You sure?"

"Yeah. I want to stay here as long as possible."

"Ew, you're trying the sappy romantic act now? I don't think that's gonna get you anything tonight—."

"You fucker, I was being serious."

"Haha, I know. I know, I was trying to lighten the mood."

Dazai adjusted his self on the bottom of the seat so Chuuya could rest in his arms comfortably.

"...I don't think this is safe."

"Oh well, it's comfortable."

Chuuya peered out at the bright red brick roofs of the neighboring buildings. It felt like a renaissance painting. With tall pillars and watch towers that overlooked the bustling city apart from it. The night grew fond of the sky, casting a pitch black blanket over the welkin.
It was beautiful, a scenery a poet or artist would dribble over.

"We should move here. We'd be closer to the festivities too."
Chuuya laid on his back on Dazai's lap.
His eyes never once leaving the window.
"It's beautiful, but trying to make me escape my hermit life isn't the best way to try and convince me."

"Then what will?"

"I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it."

Chuuya rose up, chuckling as he sat himself on the seat. They sat in silence for a moment as the bangs of the fireworks blocked out the creaking of the carriage and the white noise.
Dazai watched as his eyes widened.

The yellow, red, and orange sparks expanded, falling like a fountain towards the surface of the river.
Afterwards a set of blue, purple, and white fireworks shot into the sky. This one bigger and higher than the previous one.
The muffled bangs were even audible on the Ferris wheel.

"Wow! They're so pretty. This is the closest I've ever been—." He spoke in an earnest.
His eyes twinkled in such a way that
Dazai couldn't help but chuckle.

"W-What's funny?" Chuuya asked, his face flushed. "I've always wanted to see fireworks close up like this, ever since I was little. I remember every year my mom would always promise that we'd end up going the year after...But we never did."
"Well i wonder what she'd say now? 'Wow my boy finally got to see those fireworks! I'm so proud of him!'"
"Haha, why would she be proud you idiot?"
"I don't know. Ha, I just said what came to mind."

The silence settled once again. But it wasn't the uneasy silence they were use to.
It was serene and calm of sorts.

"I know this is cheesy but I wish this moment would last forever."

Chuuya leaned into Dazai's chest.

"Yeah that's pretty cheesy, but isn't it natural to want to spend all the time in the world with the person you love? I don't think it's cheesy at all."

Dazai smiled to himself, bringing Chuuya's hand to his lips. His warm breath scaped over his knuckles as he brought him up. His lips made his way to the nook of his neck.

"Since it's this kind of mood— mind if I say something?" Chuuya glanced up at him. His words danced on the top of his tongue, waiting to be sung. A slight smile crept on his face as Dazai nodded softly.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean that too. I was in a bad place before and I'm glad that things happened the way they did. Three years ago I wasn't even thinking about the next day...
And now I'm thinking years ahead, and it's all thanks to you. I know I've never said this before but thank you Dazai."

Dazai furrowed his brows and pursed his lips. He sharply turned away from him,
his head rested on his palm as he looked out the window.
His jaw clenched as he gazed out into the sea.
He blinked a numerous amount of times, fighting his tears.
In the reflection of the lights Chuuya could see as tears began to form in his eyes.
He covered his face and lowered his head as the muffled sounds of sobbing echoed through the carriage.
"Awe don't cry." Chuuya cooed.
He was trying his best not to let Chuuya see him cry. It was much unlike himself and honestly a bit adorable.
"Sorry I'm ruining this..."
He took his sleeve over his hand and dabbed underneath his eyes and at his nose.
"It's fine. You're cute when you cry."
Chuuya gave a light but affection smile.

"Dazai... You know you can tell me if somethings bothering you right. They say misery loves company."

"I know. But you're the last person I'd ever share my misery with... I love you to much."

"But I want you to be happy."

"You think it's that easy to just be happy?"

"I know. You know I know it's not that easy. That's why you're asking me."

"Alright then, I want you to be selfish. Do you think you can do that? Hmm? If not for yourself than do so for me."

"What is this? Ha, compensation for the mistakes you've made."

"If that's what you want to call it."

                                        • • •

It was an early midweek morning.

It had to have been between five or seven o'clock. The weather was quite unfitting for an early day of spring.
There was a downpour which shifted to lighter rain as the morning grew old.
Fallen petals laid still, they covered the street like a blush pink blanket.

Chuuya trotted up the stairs towards the apartment door. He felt for his keys in his pocket, having to set down the groceries.

Chuuya blew a breath, raising the bags as he entered the doorframe.
It was quiet, excluding the muffled sound of the tv. But it didn't seem out of the ordinary due to the earliness.

He sat the groceries on the punter top, the cans clanked as they settled.
He kicked off his shoes before raising his hands in a deep stretch.
Chuuya looked around, having noticed the television was exceptionally loud.
It wasn't deafening, but it was loud enough for the neighbors to hear.
He plopped down, grabbed the remote, and flipped through a series of channels before realizing nothing was on and turning it off.

Where was Dazai? He wondered.

It was unusual for them not to greet each other. Ultimately the most preferable conclusion was that he was still sleeping. It was only about fifteen after said hour. It wasn't odd for Dazai to sleep that long. He stood up after deciding to go to the bedroom to check on him.

The hallway that lead to the room was dark, indicating that Dazai had not left their room.
His brows furrowed as he inched towards the door. When he reached it he immediately flung it open, his breath caught in his throat as he searched the room.
There was an empty bottle of pain killers on the floor. It's contents sprawled on the nightstand and bed, which was neatly made.
He rounded the corner and noticed how the bathroom door was ajar. The light happened to be on as well. As he entered the room his eyes immediately trailed down to Dazai who rested on the floor with his head atop the closed toilet lid.

Was he not feeling well?

He seemed fine last night.

"Hey Dazai, get up. Don't sleep in the bathroom."
Chuuya stepped over the rug and reached out to tap Dazai's shoulder.
He didn't move.
Is he asleep? "Da—zai—."

Chuuya slightly turned his shoulder, taking into account how he limply slid away from the toilet. Where his body had once obscured was a puddle of blood, most of which had soaked into his jacket.
His sleeve was rolled up tightly onto his forearm. The only part of his jacket which wasn't stained.
He quickly grabbed him, ripping at his jacket he began to dab the blood from Dazai's arm. The gash was deep, and if he wasn't mistaken he could see bone.

"Hey! Dazai! Dazaiii!"

There wasn't a response.
Chuuya frantically tied his tie around Dazai's wrist to try and slow the bleeding.
He turned sharply, his foot caught the rug which made him fall as he ran out of the room. He got up, seething at his pained knee he made his way to a neighboring dweller.

"Hello! Hello?! Is anyone there?! Please, can you call an ambulance please?!"

There wasn't an answer.

Chuuya'd gone to at least three doors before someone finally opened up.
It was a man of his mid thirties and (presumably) his wife of about the same age.
She hid behind his larger frame, looking beyond his broad shoulder as he spoke.

"What the hell is going on?" He bellowed.

"T-There's—." Chuuya kneeled over to catch his breath at which the woman interjected.

"Christ... Are you alright? Why don't you come inside?" She stroked her short brown hair behind her ear before she attempted to take him by the arm.
He assertively shook his head as he motioned down the hallway.

"Please help him! He's dying!"

The man's eyes widened.

He stepped out of the threshold, turning back to her before continuing down the hallway he beckoned; "Hurry up and call an ambulance."
She started for the landline that hung on the corner of the wall. But not before she caught a glimpse of Chuuya standing in the doorframe. His hands were trembling. He looked down at his feet like a trauma stricken child.

"You can come in and take a seat. Everything will be fine. I'm gonna go and call the ambulance now."

"I—I don't need to sit down. Just hurry and call the