this is what I'm *attempting* to describe oksrryimdumbandthissucksok

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I wake up and rub the sleep out of my eyes.

My eyes widen as I see Charlie lying next to me, but then I remember what happened.

I feel stupid for last night because it definitely didn't keep my mind off of her. Even though my heart was hurting, everything else felt good, so I guess it wasn't that awful.

I look around and realize that we're in his room. 

He drove us to his house around 3 AM or something. I don't know, all I remember was crying the whole time. He kept apologizing but it wasn't his fault. I didn't want to be alone again, so I told him to take me to his house.

I'm such an emotional wreck.

I mess with the hem of the oversized shirt he gave me and lie back down, waiting for him to wake up. After a while, I get bored and scroll through my phone. I was about to text Mom that I was over at Riley's or something, but she probably didn't notice. She never does, which sometimes hurts, but it's fine. She's always busy at the diner, anyway.

His eyes flutter open and he yawns. "Morning."

"Hey."

"Are you okay? You were crying a lot. Please don't tell me it's my fault."

"No, it wasn't your fault," I quickly say. "You didn't do anything wrong. It's not you who's the problem."

"Then who is it?"

I bite my lip and shake my head. "Uh...someone else?"

He lets out a light laugh and raises his eyebrows. "Okay, you don't have to tell me right now. But soon?"

"Yeah, soon," I smile. 

He gets up and goes to the restroom while I sit in the room with my thoughts.

Maybe being with him wouldn't be such a bad thing. I mean, he cares about me, he's kind, and he's overall perfect. Even if this doesn't last long or isn't serious, I wouldn't hate it.

He walks out of the bathroom and hands me a spare toothbrush.

"Thanks."

"Hey, you want to go out for breakfast? Or I can drop you off home if, yeah," he stammers.

I laugh and nod. "Yeah, I'd love to, but can you drop me off first? I wanna change. Not that your shirt isn't comfortable or anything, because it is."

He grins and I go freshen up. I grab the clothes that I wore last night. The outfit made me uncomfortable so I just stayed in his t-shirt.

When I finish, I go downstairs and try to find him. His house was right outside of the city so it was much bigger than everyone else's. Somehow, I get lost along the way and call out his name.

"Hey, Gardner? I'm kinda lost!"

After a second, he finds me and laughs.

"Nice house," I look around what seems to be the living room.

"Thanks," he smiles. "Let's go."

We get into his car and drive through the city to my house. 

He parks the car and I open the door. "Wait here, I'll be quick."

He nods and I run inside, slipping out of his shirt into an actual outfit. I don't see Mom, so she's probably at work again.

I run back to his car and he raises his eyebrows.

"Jeez, that was quick," he chuckles.

I shove him and buckle my seatbelt. "I'm hungry."

We drive to some corner cafe and sit in a booth. We order coffee and waffles. While we wait, he looks at me and furrows his eyebrows.

"Hey, I know you're an emotional mess right now," he jokes. "But what exactly is this?"

I bite my lip and think. I don't want to hurt him or anything, but I can't genuinely be with him.

"I don't know, but...what do you want?"

He shrugs. "I honestly don't know. You clearly have your eyes set on someone else, so whatever this is can't be serious. You don't want anything serious, right?"

"Yeah, um, so friends?"

"With some benefits?" he smirks.

"Whatever," I roll my eyes and shove him.

"Okay, since I spilled my heart out to you about Riley, tell me what's up. You can trust me, you know?"

"Yeah, I trust you, I just...can I have a little more time, please? I want to forget about it for at least a few days."

He nods understandingly and our food comes by. While we eat, we talk about our plans for the break.

"So, are you going anywhere for the holidays?" he asks.

"Nope, you?"

"Nah, most of my family is coming here. Sadly, I'm gonna be stuck with them."

"At least you'll be with people," I quietly say.

"What? Are you gonna be alone? What about your mom?"

"She's never home on Christmas, the diner is like, the only place that's open that day. I usually go to Riley's for a few days."

"Oh, so you won't be alone."

"No, I'm not going to Riley's this year."

"Why not?" he furrows his eyebrows. "You guys are best friends."

"Not anymore," I shrug and poke at my waffle, not wanting this conversation to go on.

He stops talking about it after he notices my discomfort. "If you want, you can come over to my place. I don't want you to be alone, you don't deserve that."

"Thanks, Charlie," I smile and grab his hand. "You're actually such a sweet guy. If I wasn't so hung up about someone else, I'd definitely be with you."

"I mean, we could try being together," he suggests. "You might fall in love with me, who knows?"

I laugh and shake my head. "I don't think we should." 

"Okay, that's fine, too."

I finish my food with a terrible feeling in my stomach.

Charlie's deserves so much better but here he is, sitting with a completely broken mess. Maybe I shouldn't do this with him, but I have to get her off my mind somehow. Even if she's not completely gone, this is way better than before. 

We pay and leave the quiet cafe, walking along the loud sidewalk.  I grab his hand and we stroll around the city.

"Charlie, is this okay with you? Honestly."

He looks at me and smiles. "Yeah, I'm completely fine with this, Maya."

"You're such a good guy, and I don't know, I feel a little guilty. I'm just using you as a distraction and..."

"Hey, don't worry about it. This is better than sitting at home sorrowing over girls that don't like me," he laughs. "Come on, what do you wanna do? We can go shopping if you want."

"Sure," I smile. "I think I'm gonna get Riley a gift."

"I thought you guys weren't friends anymore?"

"I still love her," I quietly say. "We always give each other gifts. I made a painting for her, but I wanna get her something else."

He nods and we walk to some stores. I look around for anything that I think she'd like, but there's nothing that catches my eye.

I let out a groan. "There's literally nothing."

"Do you really need something else to give her?"

"No," I frown. "But I want to. Even if she literally hates me."

"Is it too soon to ask what happened?" he cautiously asks.

I bite my lip and decide that I might as well tell somebody. After a long moment of silence, I spit it out. "I love her."

"Well, I already know you love her," he rolls his eyes as we walk into another store.

"No, I love her," I emphasize. "I'm in love with her."

His eyes go wide. "Oh."

"Is that bad?"

"What? No, that's perfectly okay, Maya. I just wasn't expecting that...yeah," he spits out. "So, um, does she feel the same way?"

"Yeah, but I said something that probably changed her mind about me. I ruined us. I ruined what we could've been just because I was scared. I really don't deserve her, though, so it's whatever."

"Hey, don't say that," he softly says. "You deserve all the happiness in the world, okay? You're beautiful, funny, and quite literally an angel. She'll come around, just give her some time. I mean, that's what I'm here for. To comfort you, right?"

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "You don't have to deal with this if you don't want to."

"No, Maya," he laughs. "I don't care. I'll do whatever you want as long as it helps you."

I feel tears brim my eyes. "I feel awful."

"Hey, it'll be okay, Maya," he wraps his arms around me. "Trust me, when this is all over, you'll be the happiest you've ever been."

"Or I'll cry even more," I mumble against his chest.

He pulls away and wipes my tears. "Come on, don't be so negative. Let's go find a gift for her, yeah?"

I nod and sniffle. He grabs my hand and we walk around the store. I spot a shelf full of candy and I grab a handful of packs.

Charlie raises his eyebrows.

"For Auggie," I tell him. "I always get him candy."

We give up on the store and head to somewhere else after I pay.

I look through the window of a building and see a bunch of jewelry.

"You wanna go inside?" he asks.

"Um, yeah sure."

We walk inside and I look around. My eyes scan the jewelry and I spot two bracelets with charms. One had the sun, the other had the moon.

Should I even get her anything? I mean, we already have friendship rings. I'm assuming she took it off, but I still wear mine.

If she doesn't accept it, I'm going to be miserable.  

"That's pretty," Charlie comments.

"Yeah," I smile. "What if she doesn't take it?"

"I think she will," he reassures. "I mean, look at it. The moon fits perfectly inside the moon."

"What?"

He grabs the bracelets and places the moon charm inside of the hollow sun. "See? The moon completes the sun. You guys are incomplete without each other."

"She seems fine without me, she hasn't even tried talking to me."

"Well, you haven't tried talking to her either, so..."

I roll my eyes and shove him. "Not my point."

He chuckles and smiles at me. "You should get it."

I hesitantly nod and pay for it. We leave the store and I grab his hand.

"Isn't this weird for you? I mean, you had a huge crush on her and now..."

He chuckles and shakes his head. "It's fine, Maya, I'm over it. Besides, she likes you, right? I mean, she definitely doesn't like me, so..."

I lightly laugh and we walk to the car.

"So, are you gonna give it to her in person?"

I scoff. "No way. I'll give it to Farkle so he can pass it on."

"Maya, come on. It'll mean more if you do it."

"It probably won't mean anything to her."

"Stop saying that. You're being so hard on yourself. Just let yourself feel what you feel, Maya. Stop doubting everything that ever happened."

I groan and get into the car. "Later."

He shakes his head and laughs, dropping me off at my house so I can get my gift ready.

"Come inside," I tell him.

"You sure?"

I roll my eyes and nod, getting out of the car.

We walk inside the empty house and I look through the house for some wrapping paper.

"Hey, can I see the painting you're giving her?"

"Uh, sure," I lead him to my art room and flick the lights on.

"Wow, that's really beautiful," he smiles. "She'll love it."

I smile and pick the canvas up, taking it into the living room. We sit on the floor and I try to wrap it, while Charlie laughs as I fail to do so.

"Here, I got it," he takes the wrapping paper and somehow manages to wrap it. "Ta-da."

"Thanks," I smile and kiss his cheek. "I'm gonna text Farkle and see if he can give it."

I take my phone out and see a few texts from Riley, making my eyes widen.

"What?" he curiously asks.

I unlock my phone to check the messages.

Riley: hey so my parents want u to come over for Christmas eve/day

Riley: u don't have to if u don't want to

Riley: i didn't really tell them that we..yeah

I show Charlie my phone and he raises his eyebrows.

"You're going," he quickly states.

"What? No way, w-"

"Maya, come on. Give her the gift in person. Show her that you still care," he urges.

I sigh and stand up. "No."

He stands up and tilts his head. "Maya, do it."

"What if it's completely awkward?!"

"You'll be fine," he rolls his eyes. "You've known each other since forever."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can! Stop saying y-"

I smash my lips onto his in frustration.

He pulls away after a moment and raises his eyebrows. "You're going, okay?"

I clench my jaw and groan. "Why should I?"

He throws his arms up and sighs. "Because you love her and she loves you. This isn't gonna go anywhere if you don't do something about it."

"I could forget about it, which is exactly why you're here right now!"

Before he can say anything else, I kiss him again. Only this time, it was a long and breathless kiss. 

For a moment, I completely forgot that I was in love with Riley.