ᴍᴀʏᴀ 

She didn't say it back.

She didn't say anything, actually. Maybe I spoke too soon, but she could've said something.

Did she not feel the same way? Because if she did, she would've said it immediately. But she didn't. Now, I feel like a fool for even thinking that we could be something. I realized that I loved her after we kissed, only she didn't. but maybe she realized she didn't.

I walk home and rush to my room, feeling tears pour out.

Maybe she did feel the same way, but she still hesitated. There has to be a reason why she hesitated, and I'm scared that it's because she doesn't want to be with me.

I mean, it makes sense. We're best friends, and she wouldn't want to ruin what we could've had.  Friendships seem to last longer than relationships, so maybe she completely regrets kissing me. 

I don't regret it, though. In fact, I'd rather be kissing her right now than worrying about this. Her lips were soft and I just want them on mine.

I lie down on my bed and ignore the constant buzzing from my phone. Soon, I get irritated and check the texts from Riley.

Riley: maya please talk to me

Riley: of course i feel the same way it's all i feel okay??

Riley: i couldn't be more in love with u maya 

Riley: please come back

Maya: but why did u hesitate

Riley: i don't know!! i was shocked okay?

Maya: but u hesitated 

Riley: that doesn't mean i don't love u 

Maya: but it means something's stopping u from completely being with me right??

Riley: nothing's stopping me maya! i want to be with you. sure i hesitated, but that doesn't mean that there's any reason for me to not be with u

Maya: there are so many reasons why 

Maya: if we're together, there's gonna be people that say stuff about us. if we're together, people are gonna think we're messed up. if we're together, then our relationship is going to completely change. what if everything's completely awkward and worse than our friendship right now??? if we break up, who knows if we'll get back together? but if we're just friends, we would get past it and stay friends no matter what...because friendships are stronger than relationships

Maya: no matter what, we'll be better off as friends! but i don't want to be just your friend

Riley: can u come over so we can actually talk about this

Maya: fine 

I sigh and leave through the front door. I quickly walk to Riley's and climb up the fire escape. Riley opens the window and I slip in, sitting next to her on the bench.

"Maya," she starts. "I love you and I want to be with you more than anything, okay?"

"But..."

"But nothing! I want to be with you, why can't you understand that? I'm all in but you're the one who's unsure! It's like you're the one who's hesitant. I mean, you've already thought of all the reasons why we can't be together. Deep down, you think we shouldn't be together."

I furrow my eyebrows. "No, you got it all wrong, Riles!"

"Do I? You're the one freaking out about what people think, you're the one that thinks we're better off as friends!"

I shake my head and bitterly laugh. "Maybe you're right! But why else would I be here, Riley? Of course, I'm scared of what people think, but I still want to be with you! Even if we really are better off as friends, I'm still here! Don't you feel the same way?"

"If you think we're better off as friends, then shouldn't we just be friends?" she whispers.

"But I don't want that."

"Then what the hell do you want?!" she raises her voice. "You're confusing me, okay? You want to be with me, but list all the reasons why we can't be together. You run away as soon as you say you love me and then jump to the conclusion that I don't feel the same way!"

I clench my jaw and feel my heart aching. "Because I was scared that this exact thing would happen!"

"Well, it happened," she retorts.

"I can't be just your friend, Riley," I whisper. "Not anymore. Not after feeling this way about you."

"Then, forget about us," she says with no sign emotion. "We can't be friends or whatever the hell we could've been. We're nothing now."

I bite my lower lip and try my best not to break in front of her. I slowly slip out of her room, tears soaking my sleeves as I wipe them away. I walk to my house feeling completely foolish.

I lost a friend and my heart on the same day.

~~~~~

"Maya? Are you okay? You've been inside there all day," Mom asks behind my closed bedroom door.

"Peachy," I mumble against my pillow. "Don't worry about me, Mom. I'll be fine."

"Sweetie, come on. What happened?"

I groan and open my door. "Riley and I got in a fight."

"Oh, well I'm sure you'll work it out. You always do."

"No," I sigh. "It's different this time. We're nothing now."

"You two are inseparable, Maya. Don't bring yourself down over this," she reassures and looks at her phone. "I gotta go, early shift at the diner. We'll talk about this later, okay?"

I nod and she kisses my forehead, leaving me all alone to wallow in misery. Now, I'm going to be spending Christmas by myself and not with the Matthews' like usual. These next two weeks are going to be so exciting.

I whip out my notebook and sketch nonsense, fantasizing about what could have been. 

Stop thinking about her. She doesn't give a shit, so why should I?

I throw my book onto the ground and get up, storming into the living room. I think about what I should do today. There's no way I'm talking to Farkle or Riley. I didn't want to be reminded of these heart-wrenching feelings. I scroll through my contacts, hoping to find someone whose company is enjoyable.

I literally have no other friends.

God, I need friends.

I find Charlie Gardner's number and text him as a completely desperate move. A few years ago, he had a huge crush on Riley. He really liked her, but she was oblivious to it all. They went out on one date, but nothing serious happened. After that, they never talked and I never kept in touch with him.

Maya: hey gardner

I wait for him to respond and get restless. Finally, after a few minutes, he texts back.

Charlie: hey hart

Charlie: miss me much?

Maya: i'm rolling my eyes right now

Maya: i'm bored are u doing anything

Charlie: u wanna hang out with me?? i thought this day would never come

Maya: whatever 

Charlie: there's a party at my friend's house at 7, i can pick u up if u wanna go

Maya: sure cya

Charlie: later

I sigh and check the time.

I have 3 hours to be bored as hell and cry my eyes out. Fun.

Realizing that Christmas won't be as exciting this year, I wonder if I should get Riley a gift this year. I mean, I still love her and we always exchange gifts, small or big. I never miss a year, no matter how gravely broke I am. 

Plus, I always give Auggie a bunch of his favorite candy bars because he gets super happy, and I love when he's happy. I love it when both of them are happy, but I suppose this time I won't be the reason for it.

I search for a gift for Riley anyway. Even if we never speak again, I feel like I'm supposed to.

After a long time of considering what to get her, I sigh in defeat. I'll just paint her something instead. 

I go into the other room and set a small blank canvas on the easel. I bite my lip and think of what I should make. Grabbing a paintbrush, I decide to paint the city at night. It's always more beautiful at night, and it reminds me of her.

Other than the fact that she's beautiful, she's the only person that can calm me down whenever I'm stressed, just like the city during the night.

After I sketch the outline, I dip the brush in a bright purple and paint the sky. Once I finish up, I look at it and smile.

I hope she takes it even though she probably hates me by now.

Now that I'm done, I need to stop thinking of her and try to have a good time.

I leave the painting there to dry and go change for tonight. After I slip into an outfit that's more revealing than usual, I watch some TV while I wait for Charlie to pick me up.

I hear a knock on the door halfway through an episode of The Office and I let out a groan. I stuff my mouth with popcorn and run to open the front door, meeting his eyes.

"Hey, loser," I mumble through the popcorn.

He raises his eyebrows and laughs. "Hey, Hart. You look nice. When did that happen?"

I roll my eyes and shut the door. "I've always looked nice."

"Well, I guess I've never noticed because I was all over Riley," he shrugs. "By the way, is she coming?"

"No, let's not talk about her, please," I groan.

"Why? Did something happen?"

"Shut up."

I grab his collar and he nervously laughs. "Hey, relax. I'm sorry."

I let go and we get into his car. He says that the party is at his friend's house right outside of the city. I turn up the radio to fill the silence and lightly hum along. He starts obnoxiously singing, making me regret even going to this party with him.

"When the air ran out and we both started running wild, the sky fell down, but youuUuUu've got stars they're in your eyes, and iii-"

"Jesus Christ, I should've just stayed home," I laugh, covering my ears in an attempt to save them from his voice.

He grins and stops singing. "At least I made you laugh. Are you okay, Maya? You seem really down."

"I'm fine," I fake a smile. "I just want to enjoy tonight, so please, can we not talk about it?"

He nods and begins singing, only less brutally. His voice is kind of charming. I never really appreciated him as much because he seemed so boring to me. Plus, his eyes were set on Riley.

He's not that bad of a person, though. We were pretty close before Riley turned him down. He poured his heart out to me and we trusted each other. He's secretly such a hopeless romantic and I feel bad that he never got the girl.

After a long ride, we finally reach a huge house. We get out of the car and I can hear loud music booming. 

"Wow," I say, astonished at the size of the place.

"Yup," he laughs. "Let's go. Stick with me, okay?"

I nod and we go up to the front door, which was wide open. The house is full of strangers, but I recognize some faces from school. Charlie says hi to a few friends as we go into the basement, where there were a few kids chilling on the couch.

"Hey, Gardner!" a blond guy slurs, spilling a drink of what's probably very strong alcohol. "Who's the pretty lady?"

I roll my eyes and flip him off, making him mouth an apology.

"This is Maya," he introduces. "Don't mess with her, idiots. She'll ruin your life."

They nervously laugh as I innocently smile.

Charlie goes to get me a drink, and I sit next to the group of people on the couch.

"So, are you and Charlie together?"

I sigh and decide to mess around with them. "It's not official, but yeah, we're kind of a thing."

"Really? Charlie's been so hooked over some girl named Riley. I'm surprised he's finally moved on."

I'm also hooked over that girl, but whatever.

"Yeah, he's a great guy. How could anyone not like him?"

He walks into the room and smiles his signature smile. He hands me the cup and sits next to me.

"Charlie, you never told me you had a girlfriend!" one of the girls says.

Before he denies it, I throw an arm around his shoulder. "You never told them about me?! Charlie Gardner! How could you?"

"Uh..." he blinks, but thankfully, plays along. "Sorry, babe, I didn't know how to introduce y-"

"Whatever," I cut him off. "Play with my hair."

His eyes go wide and he runs his fingers through my hair immediately. I try not to laugh at his reaction while some of the girls squeal.

"You guys are cute together," one girl says.

"She's an amazing girl," Charlie shrugs and smiles at me.

I smile back and take a sip of my drink. I internally groan because he got me a soda. It'd be so much easier to forget about her if I got completely drunk. Everyone starts talking and I tune them out. Charlie nudges me and stands up.

I follow him to the corner of the room and he laughs. 

"Since when were we together?"

I shrug. "I was bored, so I lied. I don't know, sorry."

"It's okay," he smiles. "Your hair's really soft."

I roll my eyes and smile. "Thanks, Gardner."

"Anytime, Hart."

"Hey, you're not drinking?"

"Designated driver," he points out. "Don't wanna get in an accident, right?"

"Yeah," I nod as he leads me to the backyard. 

It was filled with a bunch of tipsy people, some of which playing beer pong and other drinking games. The loud cheers and chants fill the space and I groan.

"You wanna head out?" Charlie asks, noticing my discomfort.

"No, it's okay," I tell him. "Can we just go somewhere quieter?"

He nods and we walk back inside. He takes me upstairs into one of the empty rooms. We sit on the bed and I let out a sigh.

"Finally, I can actually hear myself think."

He laughs and I fiddle with my ring.

"Pretty ring," he smiles.

"Thanks," I quietly say and gulp down my drink.

"Hey, you know I'm always here if you wanna talk, okay?"

I nod and lean against his shoulder. "I know, and thank you."

"So, what do you wanna do? I mean, we can't just stay locked in here. Come on, I can introduce you to some of my friends."

I lift my head and look into his eyes. My eyes flicker down to his lips and I feel an urge to kiss them.

Slowly, I lean in and put my lips on his. He hesitantly kisses back, and I gently push him against the bed, hovering over him.

He breaks away. "Maya, what are you doing?"

"I don't know," I honestly say and kiss him again.

His lips were soft, but nothing compared to Riley's.

Forget about her already.

I deepen the kiss and push the thought of her away. I pull away and tug his shirt off. He flips us over and kisses my neck. 

He quickly stops and looks at me. "Maya, we shouldn't..."

"Do you not want to?"

"No, I'm totally okay with this, but...are you sure you want to?"

"No, I'm not sure about this, but I don't care. I wanna feel something, okay?"

"I don't think this is the right way to feel something, Maya..."

"Please," I whisper. "Just help me get this off my mind."

He hesitantly nods and I pull him in, closing the space between us. Everything about him was gentle, but all I could think about was her.

I was hoping it would make me forget about her, but it only made me long for her more.

~~~~~

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