— july 27

it was 2 in the morning when she began to walk back and forth in her bedroom. the past two days have been a whirlwind of emotions, and she still can't believe she could have the ability process any of it. she wished she could say she was unaffected by timothee showing up, that she was unaffected by his face and his words and his entire existence. but she couldn't, she knew she couldn't.

  don't even get her started with the whole day yesterday, in which timothee just sat around the apartment, acting if he owned the place. and she didn't want to say anything to him. especially with davis around. from morning to night, timothee was around, doing absolutely nothing. as if he belonged there, and asa was the one intruding.

  she never had one moment alone with anyone, let alone davis. timothée was always there. when she woke up and walked into the kitchen, timothee was casually, at the exact same time, walking out of jj's empty room, wearing just pajama pants as he walked around casually towards the fridge. as soon as he saw asa, he stuck a stupid, stupid smile on his face, and gracefully bid her a good morning before casually brushing by her as if nothing had happened.

  then he was there on the couch when davis walked out of asa's room, greeting him as if that wasn't a boy walking out his best friends room. and then he was there when alice left to get groceries, and he was there when alice can back a few hours later.  and he was there when everyone trickled back into their rooms for the night. he. was. there.

  God, she wanted to scream. scream and ask him why the hell he was there. why the hell he decided to talk to davis like neither of them knew what happened, let alone believed something happened, which what timothée was acting like. like nothing ever happened.

  "maybe it's my fault." asa hummed as she paced back in forth in her room. currently davis was out working over night at the studio with the other two boys, leaving asa alone in the stupid apartment that she didn't want to go back to in the first place. for good reason, considering her current situation.

  "maybe i shouldn't be feeling this way." she muttered, bringing her finger up to her lips, letting her teeth bite on her nail. "maybe i'm just being over dramatic." she sighed, crossing her arms tighter against her self.

  maybe it was like it was before. asa overreacting, while timothee is completely fine. he seemed okay. he seemed like he didn't care. he seemed like nothing about her, or davis, or jj bothered him. he seemed fine.

  and maybe that's how she should be.

  fine.

  she should move on. because she has. she is dating davis. timothee is dating jj. they are both, completely and utterly, platonic. and nothing can change that. nothing has, and nothing will.

  despite her affirmations in her brain, she still couldn't settle her raging heart. she felt, most of all, angry, at all the stupid things he caused, and is currently doing. and most of all, she's angry at how she can't move on.

  sighing to herself, asa made her way out of her dorm room, trudging her feet along the old hardwood floors. there was only one place she wanted to be right now, and it was the only place that made sense to her racing mind.

  she stepped one foot on the metal, the loud creak of the flooring filling the still loud nyc, despite the late hour. the air was windy as she sat herself down on the fire place, seeing all of the people and cars travel their way through the bright, yet starless night.

  the instant she felt the cool air hit her face, she could feel her anger settle in her. this had always been the spot where she would calm down, and finally be by herself. alone.

  when the three girls first moved into this apartment, asa finally spent a lot of time around other people when she was at work, that she really wanted to spend time just by herself, which became difficult when you lived in a new york city apartment with two other girls who were as clingy as much they were at the apartment. thankfully, alice and jj had a fear of getting on the fire escape since they saw the high from the ground they were, which made it the perfect place for asa to take in the world, all by herself. anyways, they weren't even allowed in the fire escape. neither was arlo or matthew or saoirse. seemingly, there was only one person who was allowed in that place.

"of course you're here." a voice called from behind her, making her turn quickly to the open window. he voice was low and husky, and he looked like he just woke up, but asa could help noticing her looked handsome. handsome as ever.

"huh?" she muttered. taking a step back and trying to create as much space as she could between them as timothee crawled his way through the window, the same way asa came out.

"you're always here, especially when your stressed," he paused for a second, before quirking a smile towards her way. "or angry."

that stupid smile. it was the same one he kept giving davis through the day. like a fucking tease. like a fucking asshole.

"why are you here?" asa snapped at him, breaking the smile he as giving her on his face.

"because i'm allowed here, arent i?" you used to be. not anymore.

"no, why are you hanging around at the apartment. you've been here all day and it's getting annoying." she muttered. timothee gave her another lopsided smile, he situated himself opposite of her, leaning against the railing, similarly to how asa positioned herself.

  "come on, ace. i used to sleep over all the time." he joked, turning his head up to look at her. "why can't i do it now?"

"jj's not here." she pointed out. he was staring at her, and she didnt like it. she didn't like anything about it, or him.

he chuckled softly before responding. "who said i was here for jj?"

"t, she's you're girlfriend." it's been a while since she called him t. somehow, even with three months in between, calling him t came natural to her.

he laughed once more, shaking his head slightly as he began to respond. "never said she was my girlfriend."

asa furrowed her eyebrows at him. what did he even mean by that? is he acting like these last two months he's just been posting relationship photos between the two? "no, you guys are dating. jj said so. everyone said so."

"did i ever confirm it? no." his eyes were staring her down and asa wanted to, but just couldn't find a way to, hide. "jj was the one who said it. not me."

asa was speechless. was he serious right now? was he really going to say that everything jj had ever posted was a lie? is he going to say that he never went along with anything jj had ever said?

asa opened her mouth to make sense of anything, but she was quickly cut off by timothee once more. "and is that guy, your boyfriend?" he almost spoke in humorous disgust, acting like he wasn't even talking about asa's boyfriend.

"what the hell do you mean?" asa said, feeling her heart begin to grow angrily once more.

"i mean, is that washed up harry styles, your boyfriend?" he said nonchalantly.

"oh fuck off, tim." she scoffed at him, walking towards the exit, which timothée promptly blocked.

"am i wrong?" he laughed. "i've listened to his singing. it's not that great. anyways, he's a tool."

"you barely even know him." she said, gatling her eyes at him. "can you let me go or not."

"enough to know he's a tool." timothee laughed as he shook his head. "God, ace, he won't stop talking about his stupid little band and how far they have gone on their stupid album and all that bull."

"you had one fucking conversation with him, tim." she tried her hardest not to raise her voice, but she already felt her face heat up despite the cool wind blowing in their direction. "you don't know anything about him."

"alright. i can give you that." timothee paused. "but there is something i know about. you." finally, asa could see the space that had depleted between the two on the already small fire escape. from asa's end she could tell she was approaching from anger, but from timothee's, she could tell by the stupid smirk on his face that it really was something else.

"and what about me?" she muttered, taking a step back from the space between then, pulling herself to lean onto the railing which looked over the city lights. "what the hell do you think you know about me?"

"i just know, i never pegged you with a guy like him." he mimicked her movement, letting himself move next to her, leaning against the railing as well.

"yeah, okay." she scoffed. "and what type of guy did you see me with?" her voice filed with disgust as she spoke, rolling her eyes with every fiber in her body.

"you know exactly what type of guy i saw you with."

the air froze. was he really bringing up that moment? that moment asa wanted to bury so far away, tossed out the window, locked with no sight of the key.

"no." asa spoke, locking her eyes with the ground as timothee began looking at her.

"there was one person i always saw you with. and you know who exactly he is."

"no. i have a boyfriend. you have a girlfriend." she interjected, pulling herself away from him. she didn't want to do this. not now, not ever, and not with him. never with him.

"who said i was talking about me?" asa could hear the smirk on his voice, which made her want to scream even louder, but she didn't. she couldn't. she didn't want to wake them up because then that would just tell the world how deeply asa gubler had fucked up.

"you're an asshole, timothée chalamet." she choked, shaking her head as her gaze kept to the ground.

"says the one who keeps leading me on."

"fuck off timothee!" this time she was facing him up, pulling her cowardly eyes up to meet him. she was mad. mad at his stupid, stupid remark. she knew she had led him on, but that seemed like forever ago, and they both moved on. they both were supposed to.

his eyes were laced with something she couldn't place. was it anger? was it lust? was it disgust? what ever it was, it was everything she didn't want to see, to read off of timothée's eyes.

"i know, somewhere, deep down, you feel the same stupid fucking feelings i do, and it sucks." timothee finally dropped his cool act, his voice raising as he look directly at her. the space between then closed up, both of them angrily seething at one another.

"get away from me." she shoved, pushing her way towards the window, wanting to climb out of this stupid conversation and where it was leading to.

"no." he muttered, grabbing onto her wrist. asa could feel herself falling into him, landing firmly on his chest, his arms pulling on her shoulders. "asa." his voice fell deep into a whisper, and asa knew she was the only one who could here his voice. she could feel the space in between them, it felt so short, yet at the same time, miles apart, and at this point, asa didn't know which direction she wanted to go. she felt so shitty. yet she was here. and she hated it.

"tim-" her voice was cut off by his lips reaching hers, pulled together by his hands on her shoulders.

he was coffee and vanilla once more, and he was perfectly molded, once again.

  and asa gubler, once more felt that stupid, stupid guilt of fucking platonic.

vee !
AHHHH WTFHDISKS
WHAT THE DUCK IS GOING ON MAN
BC IM SO SCARED FOR MY BABIES
(i say as i literally have the plot of the
book planned out in my iphone notes 😭)

nyways, HOW YALL FEELING ABOUT THIS CHAPTER

i was so stressed about writing this when i first thought of it,
but i kinda lowkey very much love it 😋 so yeah, here i am :))

also, timothee is such an ass 😭 like who let him be like that
(oh wait, it was me)

anyways, i hope y'all have a great day!
i <3 u,
n i <3 u again

have a beautiful day luvies 🤍

all the love
vee 💌