Arcane Emotions Await by the Eminence

Three Years Ago...

I do not know what it was exactly. It was different from any other energy I have felt before, I couldn't figure out how but I knew, I just could simply tell. It felt oddly refreshing yet along with that pleasure, was that strange turbulence it brought. That turbulent would cast that kind of travailing pain, agonizing yet I didn't want to truly part from it. Because despite how uncomfortable it was, it was also really beautiful.

Ah, yes--perhaps that was the reason I didn't want to get away from this sensation. When life is built by a blend of odiousness and aesthetics, anyone would be willing to cling onto something pure for once, something that wasn't a mix of both. That was probably why most people want a certain kind of power for themselves, for they are only able to change their circumstances if they have the leverage to do so.

However, this power was something no other person must be able to have. Not because they shouldn't, simply for a reason that humans aren't simply capable of harnessing something so amass and different like this. Try as they might, this energy wasn't meant to be used. The energy wasn't pure nor was it dark, it was far from nether too. This sort of energy doesn't have any colour at all, like an air, weightless and invisible--it can only be felt. Perhaps that was why this power has no essence of colour at all.

The energy was intoxicating, as though I could bathe myself in it and I wouldn't even mind getting so lost in the moment. I had never felt so powerful, not like this. I was drowning within something that I could not see, something that I just know exists all around me without even having to witness it. The energy scourged through my veins, entrapping every source of my senses as though they were wrapping so tightly inside me so that I couldn't breathe.

I didn't need to, anyway.

The moment this strange energy devours anything, it leaves all lives without one, all lifeless. A death without pain, a death by merely vanishing, turning into dusts until there is nothing left--some may even call it oblivion. That is why I didn't need to breathe, because in here...all that exists is but my soul, my body somewhere my consciousness had last left it behind.

Perhaps that was the cost of acquiring this power. It was as though one would have to die to have this feeling, which is ironic because what's the use of having this kind of power only not to exist? Yet here I am, leisurely walking through it--sensing it, willingly offering myself to it. Despite that though, I could somehow decipher that certain part of me that would constantly drift away, like I was being rocked back and forth by an unseen force. As though I would disappear yet something kept holding me bounded, preventing me from into dusts.

The images around me were distorted, as though they were only brittles of something that was left behind, trying to stay apiece as whole but it could never. Everything was delicate, so fragile that a single impact could easily smash the scenery into broken shards of glass. Then there would come that blur, like a flow of a gentle wave washing away all colours, the brittles finally breaking apart, the solid ground beneath cracking, and the world crumbling down until there'd be nothing more to watch except for this energy.

A grotesque picturesque; something so insanely messed up yet strangely enthralling.

Then the energy would build everything from nothingness, billowing itself into another cycle of rebirth and destruction. The energy would scatter around, creating the elements that made the actual air, only then I could feel the oxygen returning down to my lungs. Next were the vastness of the skies painted in deep blackness, like random puzzle pieces crafting themselves into what it should be. Along that came with it was the land, surrounding what laid beneath into series of layers where rocks protruded.

The soft clatter of rain continued to unravel next from the forming gray shades of clouds above, the sound of thunders raging amongst them, cracking like a bolt down the ground, shaking the world. The rain had no sooner made puddles of water, lakes that formed through the huge craters the booming thunders had caused. There were also the beginning light sound of a flowing water hitting down the pebbles--they were rivers, giving elements of reactions to the soil.

Came awoke after were the plants, springing up into life with the enlarging trees. They had grown almost as quickly as a single blink, surrounding my figure who did not stop walking through these series of changes, as though I was merely a spectator dragged along the currents of the ranging emotions around me. Every single thing in the world has one, all lives embody these emotions--sometimes, even death.

Perhaps calling it 'emotion' doesn't fit right, but they were energies that contain feelings in them. Every single time something happens, I could sense those undescribable chords of sensations plucking the air, as though begging for me to notice them, to feel them--and I could. Engraving them as my own gave me something close to euphoria, it made me feel something so overwhelmingly pleasant but painful. Still, I do not want to part from this.

The sun arose above, enlightening the newly-created world. I haven't even noticed it was that dark until the first drop of sunlight kissed my unguarded skin--tingling my stomach from the warmth it brought. The mountains sprang up at the first break of dawn, the earth underneath the rubbles growling as forthcoming for something more exalting. And there came the sea, spreading so wide into a walloping ocean that seemingly touched the edge of the rising sun over the distance.

The birds came into sight, their wings flapping through the trees with their melodic tunes going along the passing breeze. There were also the shrieks of land animals and they running around, trekking through the forest with great curiosity. The entire world spoke of solemnity. It was tranquil, and there was peace. Emotions were encompassing the air, the strange energy I felt before was barely even there now as though it had used most of its power to create all these lives.

Time would go forward then. The sun would set, the moon would rise, and they would replace one another again and again. Plants would die, but their seeds would often live on, springing up another sign of life. Yet, the Cycle would begin once more. The sceneries would become distorted, turning again into pieces of a messed up puzzle. Everything would turn back into dusts, the dusts into air, the air back to nothingness--and the nothingness, replaced by the strange energy as though it only took back what it gave.

"Ke'ala."

I flinched, my surprise taken over by the nature around me that everything suddenly stopped mid-air. I closed my eyes for a brief moment before opening them once again, the multi-coloured dusts glowing like neon lights. Darkness embraced my sight for a few seconds before everything began to reverberate. The neon dusts sketched themselves in the firmament above, and they were a reminder of how auroras brightened the the skyline, blinking in various glows that shuddered the air.

"Don't go near." I warned, not turning my head around to meet him.

But even without our gazes, I could still feel him burning with determination that warmed me up more than any sunlight could ever.  Behind that determination, was exhaustion that somehow made me feel guilty for I knew I was the reason behind it. Other than that though, there was something buried inside that suddenly vaulted up when I spoke, and it's amazing--for the lack of better word--how easy it was to get that feeling out of him at the mere sound of my voice.

"This energy..." He trailed off, mesmerized by the scenery around us.

I lifted my hand, my fingers dancing through the wind, pausing everything up that prevented the destruction to come returning. Letting him see what probed inside me was the least thing I could do. It has always been so easy for him to find me like this. No matter how much I try to hide myself inside my trance, he'd still be able to find me--not my physical self, but in a spiritual sense.

"You feel it, don't you?" I asked, though it was rhetorical.

"Ke'ala."

I flinched again when I felt him walking forward. It was only then I began to turn around, drawing a line in front of me that sliced the space. The gap between creates a layer of barrier, like a transparent wall that reflected so little of me. Yet there he was, and I could see him completely. I have never really thought of him that often, only sometimes when my soul would unknowingly call out for something so far and it was solely because of that, that I don't want to think about him at all.

It's because I fear the emotions that would surge loose when I let my desires prevail. His memories were like a plague that would incise holes inside me. My stomach would sink, my lungs would burn, my mind would echo words that belonged to him, and I could only bite my lip before forcing the memories back down. But there were times I couldn't stop the memories from comprising my senses.

They weren't pleasant as I hoped they would feel, they were like needles stitching themselves deep into me and the more I let them so, the more I'd feel worse. Emotions make humans weaker than they already are, I know that and it was why I often thought about how unnecessary they were, that I should just make use of my abilities to make my emotions disappear.

But no matter what kind of emotion it is, there's always that certain sensation along it that makes you think how amazing it is to truly feel something. Having no sensory perceptions at all, wouldn't that make everything just feel bland? Dull and cold, like even with everything marvellous around, you'd still feel lonely as though nobody would be able to understand.

That's why even how hard things get, no matter how emotions make me weaker, I still appreciate having them. I was young and naive back then, saying my ability was useless, but it was simply me who couldn't live up to it that I blame my ability for my incompetence. I was truly young, always questioning the things around me rather than simply act on it. I was so insecure back then, and I was also a bit scared.

Being on the outside, being in a place I couldn't recognize. But what scared me the most was the fact that I was all alone. I always had people with me, being alone reminded me of my childhood memories back at in Feyree Household. Being all alone once again tested my patience, my ability, my mindset, and all of those events changed me as a person. I grew up, so to say, and I still am.

Just like him. He grew up too, he still is. Yet despite that, I don't know him and he doesn't know me. We've never had any happy memories together, but I just knew I have never felt so satisfied and contented when I was with him. My soul would always feel so calm with him, like I didn't need to do anything at all for I was safe. He makes me feel so many things all at once, those of comfort and even worries.

He still has his long hair, his blonde platinum fluttering behind him as dust particles surrounded his figure. There was darkness on the other side of the space where he stood, but it was as though my emotions wanted to indulge me so badly that a small ray of light broke toward him past the layer of barrier. The sight of him so near yet so far made my heart pound so heavily they begin to hurt. But it's alright, this is what I want.

Perhaps it was because of the aether energy running inside his whole being that his past hazel eyes had turned into a deeper shade of platinum, matching his hair. He looked so...fine, that word may even be an understatement. Sometimes, I wish he would continue gazing at me even when I push him away, and selfish it might sound but I can't really help it.

Would anyone call it love if they were in my place? Would they run and indulge themselves by embracing him like my soul would so desire? Would they speak to him, tell him every single thing that plagues this mind and let him reassure everything? Or would they simply stop using words altogether, grab him and with a pull, meet his lips?

Perhaps they would, perhaps you would, but I could do nothing like that. My resolve, even when I make it appear so tough, would crumble so easily when I do just that. Love, it doesn't quite describe what we have, our connection is so different that I couldn't find the right word for it. It doesn't feel like love yet there was nothing that could come close to this feeling as that. It's ironic, isn't it? How he makes me feel so at peace yet so insane. It's fine though, after all.

He's the kind of insanity I wouldn't mind suffering from.

"How do you always manage to find me?" I finally asked.

"You've always told me, haven't you?" He smiled. "Your soul chose mine..." he paused, touching the glass that hindered our distance.

"Mine chose yours," I continued, backing away as I suddenly felt the barrier became so fragile.

"And a soul just doesn't forget that." We both said at the same time, and it was then my heart thumped as though it had never felt so alive the whole time I was here with the barrier shattering at a single knock of his finger.

"Stay away." I warned once more, stepping back like it was the only stronghold I had to make my emotions stable. I looked away, almost frustrated that he wouldn't listen. "Don't get too near. This energy is different, it will damage your soul and might even affect your physical body--"

I looked up, suddenly found myself being yanked forward, his face only a few centimeters away. I fought his burning gaze, knowing he was truly mad at this point. His grip around my right wrist tightened, and I could feel myself shuddering a little at his stern stare. I sighed, lifting my left hand that reached for his cheek.

"Don't get mad," were the words that left my lips. It was almost like a plead, like I sounded so afraid he'd hate me.

"Why don't you just stop all of this and be happy with me? I know you want it."

"Because I can't. I'm bound to do something that I wouldn't be able to rest unless I finish. You do understand that, don't you?"

"You don't have to do this by yourself. Why do you always push yourself away? Is it that difficult to let us help? You have a family back at Cretian, you have me. You didn't need to leave. What scares you, Ke'ala?"

"When I saw my aides fell apart like that..." I smiled bitterly, taking my wrist off his grip. "I couldn't take it. Guilt and fear would settle themselves in, drowning me, bugging my mind so loud it cancels out all my reasoning, and I couldn't take it. Then I realized I didn't want to sacrifice anyone in that family of mine."

"They came with you knowing the risks. We were willing to do everything for you, why can't you see that?"

"You don't understand, and that's fine. You don't have to, I just want you to accept my decisions and those decisions are final." I concluded, pushing him back that draw another line of barrier between us.

"I'm tired of this, Ke'ala. I'm tired of always chasing after you. That's why for the last time, I'll ask you--"

"Damiel." I called out, as though it would prevent the next words I knew he'd say.

"Should I still keep choosing you?"

"I do want you." I answered almost immediately, clenching my fist.

"But you don't need me."

"...I don't." That was a fact that no more words were needed as he straightened his posture, his face blanking out that pained me for a reason I didn't want to know at all. "But sometimes, wanting can be feel like needing too."

"You're being vague. Tell me you need my help to pull you out of that fate and I will do so in a heartbeat. Do not underestimate me, Ke'ala."

"This fate is the only purpose I have. You've already owned half of me, taking even that would render me of my own existence."

"Then what do you want me to do?!" His loud tone tugged my heart, as though it sank and I didn't know how to get it back.

Soul connection is different than what people normally feel. It's more complicated, more majestic than the usual connection two people have for each other. As its name suggests, it's a form of connection between two souls, bounding them together like knots that once a soul chooses, the other could never get away. That is, unless, the other rejects choosing it. Some say it would feel absolutely the worse, as though you would never feel completed your whole life, and as though half of yourself had disappeared along that rejection.

This certain kind of connection is very rare and special, as both would be able to understand and feel one another by instincts, that one would feel restless without the other. Some call it a wonderful but strange phenomena with many people wishing to feel something like this, while some simply call it love. However, that is something I would never indulge myself to. I will never risk everything for the sake of that connection no matter how my soul tells me otherwise.

A person constantly refusing who their soul chooses will break apart, until the soul can no longer feel that connection. In other words, what we have now won't last long and I know it will affect both of our souls, making us feel as though we have missed the biggest chance of our lives but that was the kind of risk I'm willing to take. Calling something like this as easy as love is too much when he won't even understand me.

"I'm tired of this, Ke'ala. I really am. I want to stop, but somewhere inside I'm hoping you would want me the same way I want you. If not, then there's no point in hurting ourselves, is there?"

"Then stop." I told him with full intention of persuasion. "Don't chase after me. Don't live most of your life wasting it for something that could never be."

"Will you forgive me for just giving up like that?"

"...who knows?"

"You're being vague again."

"I always am, you know that."

"I wish for once you'd tell me what you really feel."

"Just go." It was an obvious plea this time. "There's someone else you should be taking care of, isn't there?"

He sighed, finally stepping back. "You mean Celeztie? She's just like you, almost in every aspect."

"She has your dedication and selflessness." I smiled, shaking my head. "Do take care of her. She's your responsibility, Damiel."

"Yours too."

"Supposed to be. But I am aware of how she's doing something really big right now, and if she'll get in my way then I'll just have to stop her myself. You know I don't hold back to those who try to ruin my plans."

"Killing others is one thing," I could suddenly feel his energy rising, his aether almost breaking down the line of barrier between us that shook the entire trance. "But that's a line I won't let you cross."

"Then don't make me cross that line."

I turned around, the trance slowly