I couldn't stop thinking about Wesley.

When he grew up it was just him and his dad, his mother was very flighty. Here and there. His dad was his only family. I couldn't imagine what he was going through right now and I hated myself for making his day unnecessarily difficult yesterday.

Obviously, I didn't know the relationship he had with his dad but that was still family. I should've been the first person to cut him some slack. If only he had told me.

I went into his office and closed the door behind me. He glanced up and then went back to writing whatever he was writing.

"My three o'clock arrive?"

There were no signs of tears or sadness on his face. Just cold and empty. If he hadn't told me, I would've never known.

"Nope. She's running twenty-five minutes late." He raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to say something. I didn't know how to bring up what he emailed me last night.

We never really spoke about our emails. It was a safe space for us to be honest with each other and I didn't want to destroy the sacredness of that by bringing it up now, in the real world. I liked that we spoke about each other in third person in the emails because it took away the nerves of feeling like we were talking directly at each other. We didn't have that luxury in a face-to-face interaction. Insecurities and egos got in the way of us being honest in real life.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you want to hug me."

I bit my lip. "Can I?"

After blankly staring at me for a few seconds he gave his answer by pushing his seat back and standing up. I rushed into his arms, holding him so tight against me, that there wasn't enough room for my chest to expand with every breath I took. I had to stand on the tip of my toes and wrap my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me. He held onto me just as tight, burying his face into my neck.

I wanted to be here for him, it felt good. I liked this side of him. Not the mourning, I wouldn't want anyone to be in this position but the side of him that was honest with what he was feeling because then I got to see the real him.

"Oh Wesley..." I whispered and squeezed him tighter when I felt tears wet my neck. "I'm so, so sorry."

We stayed interlocked for I don't know how long. Nor did I care. It felt so good to feel him breathe against me, to smell him, to hold him. To gently rub my hands up and down his spine, knowing that this brought him some kind of comfort.

When we separated his eyes were damp and his nose was slightly red. His tears had darkened his impossibly long eyelashes and made them stick up like gelled hair. He looked ten times younger and beautifully vulnerable. I cupped his face and tried my best to store this in my memory bank.

"You're so beautiful, you know?" I complimented him to lighten the mood. I was rewarded with his shy smile.

He chuckled and his hands came over mine, slowly removing them from his face and then bringing them to his mouth. He placed a soft kiss on each knuckle and my heart melted.

As I watched him I realised I wasn't so unsure of how I felt about him. It felt like a fog in my mind was slowly lifting and I could see the answer. My heart rate slowly sped up because I don't think I liked the answer. When he acted like an arsehole it was easy to hold onto my denial but when he was like this? Sweet? Vulnerable? There was no denying I was on a slippery slope.

"I'm sorry River."

"Don't-"

"You were right. I was being a dick."

He was but I wasn't going to tell him that. He didn't need me to give him any more shit. "You should not be apologising for anything right now..."

"I'm not just apologising for how I spoke to you but for what happened between us..."

Why was he sorry? I wasn't. My insecurities were reeling their ugly heads as they whispered to me that he regretted it. He regretted touching you. He was just grieving. I ripped my hands from him and stepped back.

"River don't run." He warned.

"I'm not running, I'm literally right here." I spat out. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that he was mourning. It all made sense now, he was high on grief when we had, had sex. I had read some article once about how grief can make you horny. Americans had the right idea when they placed motels near cemeteries.

"You know what I mean." He snaked an arm around my waist pulling me closer but I put my hands on his chest to create some resistance. "You're running from me. I only meant I'm sorry because you're not some grief fuck. You deserve way more than that but I can't give you that."

"What if I liked being your grief fuck?" I snapped at him. "I want you Wesley. Stop treating me like some porcelain doll. Stop deciding what I want for myself, I'm grown."

I managed to break free of his hold. I wasn't the little girl from down the street anymore. He needed to understand that I want him in the most sinful ways. If I was being honest with myself, I enjoyed every second of what happened in that broom closet. I don't want him to hold back just because he thought I was fragile.

Sure, that may have been a grief fuck but if he wanted me, like I wanted him, I didn't want him to hold back.

He clenched his jaw. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"Show me." I challenged him. 

I didn't have time to examine the look in his eye because he spun me around and had me bent over his desk. I couldn't stop the smile that grew on my face when I heard him unbuckle his jeans, my legs spread immediately. I looked back at him, over my shoulder.

"Careful what you wish for princess." He made short work of my pants and underwear. I sucked in my breath when he entered me. I was expecting fast and sloppy but he gave me slow and hard, Rolling his hips before slowly pulling back and ramming in.

I hadn't realised I was moaning because his hand came round and cover my mouth. The pleasure was so intense I felt the need to bit into his hand. He didn't seem to mind.

He leaned over, whispering in my ear how good I felt, how maddening I was. Was I proud that I made him feel so out of control? Maybe.

We began to synch up, I could feel that we were chasing the same climax. But we both wanted this to last longer. I squeezed around him in an attempt to stop myself but I was failing.

"Not yet babe." 

"Wes I can't." I breathed out, pleading with him.

"Yes, you can." He said slowing down his strokes and then working them up again. When his other hand found my clit I came to an eye twitching climax and he softly grunted when he reached his. I get why women on my Dirty Diaries were always looking for a good lay, because this? What I had with Wesley? Was a amazing.

He wordlessly helped me clean up and we both got dress. The air was loaded with something and I don't mean the scent of our fucking. I had to leave.

I turned to walk away but he gripped my arm.

"If we're going to do this, ditch lover boy."

Kevin? He and I were casually dating. My relationship with him had nothing to do with what Wesley and I were doing. I would never have sex with more than one person at a time, I was a nurse for crying out loud. I knew the ugliest side of STDs and STIs. "Don't worry, I'm not sleeping with him-"

"Ditch him." Wesley repeated. "If you want me, then it's just me."

Another thing that I was inexperienced at, was dumping people. I didn't know how to tell Kevin I didn't want to see him like that and because this was a little town, I couldn't ghost him either. Also because we were casually dating, I didn't know how to break it off. How do you break an agreement that was never made? So I decided to entertain him less.

"I never see you as often." He complained on the phone once.

And I replied; "Work is keeping me busy."

Which was the truth. Wesley was part of work right?

Wesley and I were...whatever we were for two weeks now. It was blissful, carefree and fun. Sometimes I felt like I was his way of coping but I didn't mind. We were also trying to be super secretive about it. We didn't know what we were so it would be hard to explain it to anybody else. Also, the secrecy just made this whole thing ten times hotter. I would've never pegged myself as insatiable but it turns out I was. With Wesley.

I couldn't keep my hands off him. I couldn't help my panties getting soaked just by being in the same room with him. I was out of control and damn it, it felt good. We had sex everywhere but a bed, because neither of us could last long enough to make it to one.

During my lunch break, I snuck off to his office when I thought Lucy wasn't watching.

He came out just as I was about to go in. He checked both sides of the hall before dragging me in. He couldn't get a word in because my lips were already on his.

We separated like water and oil when we heard a knock on the door.

Wesley cleared his throat before telling the person on the other side to come in.

"River?" Lucy walked in carefully. Why was it that when you needed to act natural, you never knew how to act natural? I started fiddling with my hair.

"Yeah?"

"We need to discuss this year's charity ball." Her eyes moved to Wesley before settling back on mine. "You ran off before I could bring it up."

"Oh sorry, Dr S needed my help on somethin-"

"It can wait." Wesley said with a grin on his face and moved back to his seat.

"Can it?" I asked, trying so hard not to sound like a whining teenager.

"It can." Humour was dancing in his eyes. He knew I was outrageously horny right now. The cheeky bastard!

"Great!" Lucy took me by the hand out of his office.

"So we need to discuss the charity ball!" She said excitedly when she reached her computer. She had a google page opened, looking at party themes. "I was thinking, Hollywood."

Every year Edwin & Jones hosted a charity ball to raise funds for women's health. It started three years ago and was Silas' idea. Given that this was a private practice, these funds helped the practice support women and girls who couldn't afford health care.

I sighed thinking of the man in office two. "Sound's great."

Charity ball planning took longer than expected. Wesley walked past us wishing us a good evening.

"Bye Dr S." Lucy waved dismissively without lifting her eyes from the computer screen. Because she wasn't watching he winked at me and left. I had to take a deep breath to stop all the butterflies from fluttering.

When I left the office I was surprised to see him waiting by my car. His bike was parked next to it. I didn't have a moment to think when he threw his helmet at me. "Catch."

I did.

He smirked. "Impressive." 

I did basketball for five years in high school. Everyone thought I was going to be the next Lebron James just because I was taller than most. And maybe I would've if medicine wasn't my first love.

Wesley patted the padded seat on his bike. "Get on. We're going to the fair."