Alice

A week into our trip, Oscar's mother set us up with her realtor that she previously worked with. Linda, the real-estate woman, had found several houses for Oscar and I to check out in the vicinity of his mother's house.

I had called my mum earlier in the morning before we had left to look at our first house. I was still uneasy about the idea, but decided that if I didn't move, I would be stuck in the same, simple rotation of my old life. My mother was also uneasy about the decision I had made to move to the states.

She stated that it was a dumb idea to pack up everything and move to another country with a man I didn't know very well.

"I'm engaged to him." I said.

She sighed in her motherly way, "I don't care, Alice. You've been with him for only a year. That isn't long at all."

"I think it would be a nice change." I replied.

"If you're looking for change, moving to Missouri isn't your only option..."

Maybe I wasn't completely excited for the move, and maybe my mum was right, but there was a part of me that wanted to do it. I wanted to move to a place where my friends or my ex couldn't randomly show up on my doorstep. I wanted some normalcy in my life and moving to the suburbs would create a simple but stable life for me.

Buttoning up the last strap of Finley's overalls, I picked him up off the ground, and grabbed his diaper bag. Oscar tied his shoe lace before grabbing for the keys to our rental car. The both of us awkwardly quiet, we took the elevator down to the lobby of the hotel.

The small, private hotel reminding me of the time Oscar and I first stayed in a hotel together. I was hugely pregnant and waddled around the halls. The time where fate had interlaced with weird clichéd love story, and Ed and I ran into each other.

I tried not to think too much of him as I buckle Finley into his booster seat. It was very hard not to think of Ed when his son looks exactly like him. With his large eyes, orangey locks, and small smile, it was hard to look past the fact that Ed was his father. He was his twin.

I buckled my own seatbelt and Oscar started up the engine. My head rested on my fist, I lean forward to turn down the radio. Oscar had run out last night and bought a bottle of wine for a small celebratory movie night. It was basically him happily celebrating the fact he manipulated me into wanting to move here, and was relieved that his plan had work. And I had laid on the bed with a full glass of wine trying to not think of the future.

This being said, he must've forgotten to turn down his music from when he jamming the night before. My heart pounced and my child whined in the back seat, fussy once again because he's unfamiliar with his surroundings, and I quickly shut the music off.

"Sorry." He apologized. "Forgot to turn it down."

"No problem." I mumble.

"Finley, quiet down." He said, but his voice wasn't as shrill like the last time he disciplined a child who hadn't had a nap that day. Oscar nudges me with his elbow and glances over at me. He asks, "What's the matter?"

"I just have a headache." I retort. My head was heavy with thoughts of Ed now which I couldn't help. I started to wonder how women go about their days with another man and a new life when their children are constant reminders of the other man. I had to be the only one who constantly lived in the past and still loved a boy that was in my life during my high school years.

I was the only woman that still loved her ex-boyfriend that shouldn't have meant that much to her. He existed in a childhood premise. My life with him was immature and reckless. He has moved on and here I am stuck in love with a man that was only a teenaged lover.

And maybe if I didn't have Finley, I wouldn't still feel something for him. The constant reminder makes me crave a life with Ed that I will never have. And I don't say that in a dramatic, I'm Forever Going to Be Unhappy way that you hear in a lot of in romances. I simply mean that we are on two different levels currently, and he lives a completely different life than I do.

We didn't make it before, so what makes me believe that something good can come from anything right now? The only thing we have in common at this point is our child. If I let him back in my life, he would only stay because of the attachment to his son.

I just wish I could let go of the past. I want the memories to wash away and be left with a clean slate. He will always be there despite my moving on with Oscar. He's always going to be my son's father and I will always regret my decision to never let him in Finley's life. There will always be a part of me that wants to be close to Ed, and maybe not romantically, but in the sense that we grew up together and I yearn for those long nights full of easy talking that I don't get with Oscar. I don't necessarily miss the romantic side to our relationship, but the friendship we lost.

He was the only person that knew everything about me. There will never be anyone else that I can fully confide in.

I said, "I'm also craving a cigarette."

"I thought you quit."

"I did." I stated. "Doesn't mean I don't crave them."

"I'm not buying a pack for you." He tells me. His voice is filled with arrogance as he says this. I think he's annoyed with my addiction, but I'm trying my hardest to beat it. "It's money down the drain."

"I didn't ask you to." I mumble.

"What?"

"I said I didn't ask you to buy me a pack!"

"Finley, what did I say?" He says again, eyes in the mirror, so he doesn't have to turn around. I know he's trying not to raise his voice, but it's still laced with anger. My son kicks the back of my seat in response to Oscar.

Staring out the window, I accidently murmur, "Ha, maybe he doesn't want to move here."

"Why did you say that?" He asks me, turning his head to look at me. I replied with a simple what, but he only repeated the question. "Why did you say that? He's not fussy because he doesn't want to move here."

"It was a joke."

"Obviously it wasn't just a joke." He replies trying to find a hidden meaning to my words despite the lack of one.

"Obviously it was."

Oscar sharply turned into the driveway of the house we were looking at. He was parked behind Linda, who was already here and standing on the porch. She smiled at us and waved her hand politely.

Oscar turns to me, "Can you just try and be pleasant today?"

"Are you serious right now?" I asked, stone faced. "I'm the one who should be saying that to you."

"You just seem like you're in a terrible—"

"I'm going to stop you right there." I said, raising my hand. He rolls his eyes at me. "I'm not the one in the terrible mood, Oscar, you are."

"You've been bitchy all morning."

"I have a headache." I snapped, unbuckling my seatbelt and letting the metal hit the glass. The realtor stood patiently, waiting for us to get out of the car. I opened my door. "What's your excuse?"

"I'm not being all piss-y with you."

"You're right, Oscar. You're right again."

I slammed my door which made him even more tense. He shuts his door, but waits by the car for me. I unbuckle my son and coo, "You look just like your daddy."

"All right, shut up with that shit." Oscar says, his voice is sharp, but he's trying to keep it low so Linda wouldn't hear our arguing. We knew that if she did, she'd return the news to Oscar's mum. "That right there shows you're pissed off. What did I do now?"

"I said one thing, Oscar."

"You look just like your dadddd." He mimicked me obnoxiously, letting the D drag on. "You push the fact that I'm going to raise him to be my son, but you say that shit."

"How do you know that I didn't mean you?" I muster.

"He looks nothing like me." He comments, raising his eyebrows. "He doesn't look much like you either."

"Whatever." I mumble before starting towards the house.

It was a nice brick, colonial that had a garage connected to it. Linda stood on the third step up the porch with a plastic smile on her plum colored lips. She held out her hand to me and says, "Nice to meet you, Alice."

Oscar's mother must have given her the inside-scoop about the whore that was marrying her son, because her smile is fake towards me. But when Oscar comes closer, her cheeks looks like they might crack when she greets him with a small hug.

"You must be Margaret's little boy." She gushes. "You are just so handsome, like she said. It's so nice to meet you."

He puts on the perfect grin and returns the hug. "Nice to meet you. This looks like a wonderful house already."

"Wait until you see the inside." She says only to Oscar.

She pushes open the green front door and invites us inside. We're met with a living room fully carpeted with white, clean carpet, so easily we're urged to take our shoes off.

The house was definitely larger than our apartment back home. It is very similar to his parent's house with the layout. The living room was cut in half and shared with the purposed dining room. The dining room was connected on one end with a half wall, a breakfast nook, and a doorway into the kitchen.

By the kitchen and near a hallway was a set of stairs that took you into a very open bedroom. Down the hallway were the other two bedrooms and a bathroom.

"So, normally the loft is considered the master bedroom, but since there's only three of you, you two and the baby can take the downstairs bedrooms, and repurpose the room upstairs." Linda states, her hand on the stairway railing.

Oscar grabs my shoulders with his hands from behind me. Happily, he says, "The other bedroom downstairs would be perfect for another baby."

A smile breaks across Linda's face. She giddily says, "Are you two thinking of having another baby?"

"I would love another baby." Oscar says, moving around me, and closer to the stairway. He inspects the rooms down the hall. I stay silent, though, unsure how to sweetly say that there was no way in hell I was having another baby. Oscar flashes me a smile, "Right, honey?"

"Oh," I perk up. Gently, I set Finley down, and he begins to stumble around the living room. I laugh awkwardly. "Yeah."

Finley goes right towards the stairs. Linda chuckles slightly when he tries to climb onto the first step. Oscar swiftly lifted him off the stairs and put him back on level ground.

He said, "Finn, you aren't allowed on the stairs."

I bend down and grab his tiny, baby hand. Pulling him into the kitchen, thinking if the stairs were out of sight, he wouldn't think to try to climb on them.

Everything after that happened so fast. One second Finley is on the hardwood floor in the kitchen, crawling around, and I was looking around at the walk-in pantry. And then the next, Oscar is raising his voice.

My heels click against the wood flooring as I promptly made my way from the now-empty kitchen into the living room. Just like that, Finley had waddled quickly out of the kitchen and towards the stairs.

Oscar had his large hand wrapped around Finley's little wrist as he pulled him off the third step. Linda was in the bathroom with the water running, trying to mind her own business about Oscar punishing the toddler. Oscar hadn't noticed me standing in the doorway with confusion all over my face as his large hand swatted Finley's diapered butt.

Instantly, I'm intervening, but Oscar spanks him once before I can pull Finley away from him. I pull him into my arms and turn away from Oscar. Finley is screaming as tears started to run down his cheeks.

"What did I say?" Oscar shouted at him. He softens a little when my wide eyes easily chastised him for his loud voice. He says, "Alice, I told him not-"

"I don't want to hear it!" I shout over my son's crying. I hold him tighter and try to calm him down.

Linda returns from the bathroom with a forced smile on her perfect face. She tries to avoid any awkward conversation and decides to ignore the fact my son is wailing. She simply asks, "Would you like to take a look at the backyard? It would be a lovely space for the little guy to play."

"I'm sorry." I say through clenched teeth, eyes focusing on her rather than glaring at Oscar. "But we're going to have to leave."

"Alice—"

"I'm gonna' go wait in the car." I announce. Nodding a goodbye at Linda, I push through the front door as Finley clutched onto me. From the doorway, Oscar presses the button and unlocks the car door for me.

I open Finley's door and let him stand on the seat. Quickly, as Oscar wraps things up, I unbutton Finley's straps and take a peek at his behind. While Oscar only got the chance to whack his behind twice, an imprint of his hand lies on Finn's behind, and two tiny welts begin to form.

I redress him and make him sit down in his seat. He continues to cry and only grows louder when Oscar gets in the car. I lightly shush him as I buckle him into his seat.

The car ride back to the hotel was silent between Oscar and I as Finley's crying filled the soundless void. As we pull into the parking lot, Oscar finally sighs and says, "Everyone gets spanked as a punishment."

"Everyone but my son, I had hoped." I replied.

"It isn't that big of a deal. He didn't listen to me, so I spanked him."

"He's a year old." I say, but I quickly cut my own self off. I sigh, rubbing my temples. "I shouldn't even have to remind you how little he is."

"He's at the age where he can comprehend right from wrong."

"That is bullshit!" I retorted. He parked the car, but no one moved to get out. "You don't spank a one-year-old that hard."

"I barely touched him!" he tried.

"Barely touched him?" I yelled. Disgusted, I didn't even want to be around him. "You left two huge welts on his ass!"

"I didn't mean to. Every parent makes mistakes."

Later that night, I was still fuming. Finley didn't even want to sit down during his bath. He only tried to make out some words when he said, "No, mummy. Hurt. No."

Oscar hadn't even tried to apologize. He just kept repeating the simple line: parents make mistakes. I understand that, I really do, but no one gets to hit my child, leave bruises, and get away with it.

My mother had spanked us, but would instantly apologize after my father insisted it didn't do anything but scar a child. I didn't want my parenting to be surrounded around spanking as a punishment and vowed to never lay a hand on him in that way. I had thought Oscar had felt the same way, but I was wrong.

I dressed Finn in his pajamas and laid him in his pack and play, and dimmed the lights. The sun was just setting as Finley closed his eyes and finally fell asleep with cartoons playing mute on the TV.

The night was filled with silence from Oscar and I. He had gotten dinner alone, down at the bar in the lobby, and hadn't said a word to me since he arrived back at the room. He laid in his boxers on the bed, underneath the covers.

After a hot shower, I joined him in my pajamas. I climbed into bed. He glanced over at me, but didn't say a word.

"Day went by fast." He mutters. Oscar takes a sip from the bottle of beer he had ordered.

"Yup." I replied.

We were about to fall asleep with our argument and events from today unresolved. My mum always stated that was the start of an awful marriage; going to bed with issues still in the air and un-talked about. I was about to let the man who hurt my son go to bed without even apologizing.

This was my life right now. Allowing a man to do whatever he wanted, and maybe I'd complain a little, but he knew in the end that he would win. I could say whatever I wanted, but in the end it didn't matter. I was in a relationship where everything was decided by the man, and Oscar will always have the upper hand.

"Are we going to talk about what happened today?" I asked.

He exhaled, obviously annoyed with me. He wanted me to just let it go, but I couldn't. "What do you want me to say? I'm sorry?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I want to hear."

"I'm not sorry, Alice. He needed to learn."

"He could've learned another way. You didn't have to spank him."

"We just have different parenting styles." He murmurs nonchalantly and takes another gulp of his drink.

I shake my head, "Yeah, we do, but that isn't the problem here. The issue is that every chance you get, you yell at Finn."

"No, I don't."

"Yeah, you do. He'll make one noise in the back seat and you get annoyed." I state, scooting further away from him in the bed. I ask softly, innocently, "Is it because he looks like him?"

He stays quiet. I think I've found the reason for the constant disciplining of a child who doesn't do much. He bites his nail and avoids my eyes.

"I've been thinking about contacting Ed. I think he should be a part of Finn's life." I proclaim.

"Will he even want to be?" He asks. "The kids already a year old. He's missed a lot."

"I better get on it then. Best not waste more time."

"I think it's a terrible idea."

"I think Finley needs his real dad."

"I thought you wanted me to be his dad."

"Ed needs to know he has a child." I said. Oscar didn't know that Ed came to my mum's drunk that one night. He doesn't even know that he's tried being in Finn's life, that he wanted to be, and about the money he's tried sending me.

"Do you think this is going to make Ed fall in love with you again?" He asks me. His voice is laced with deceit, and his face is twisted with a glare. "It won't. He'll just hate you even more."

"My goal isn't for him to fall in love with me. Simply, I want him to know Finn."

"He'd be a terrible dad."

"That isn't any of your business."

"You're my fiancé and he's going to be my stepson. It is my business." He shouts with a sharp voice. I guess he doesn't care if he wakes the child. "He'd be a terrible, estranged father."

"What makes you think you'll be a better father than him?"

"I don't know."

"Exactly. You were the one who treats Finn like he's nothing. I know he's a baby and he doesn't get the weird distance between you two, but I see it. I see the way you treat him." I state, pushing myself off the mattress. "And I honestly don't want that in my son's life."

"What? Alice, what don't you want in his life? A parent that isn't going to let him do whatever he wants?" He follows my move and gets off the bed. His voice is filled with judgement and I loathed the fact that he thinks he's a better parent than I am.

"I don't want constant negativity. I don't know what the hell happened to you, but you've changed." I announce, standing my ground. I wasn't going to let him win this. "You're nothing but an asshole lately; to me, my son, everyone!"

"I haven't changed." He proceeds, shaking his head. "You've changed. You're so attached to this other life that you will never have. You will never have a fairytale romance with him, Alice. I try to have this relationship with you, but you never let me in."

"No!" I concede. "You don't get to say that this is all my fault. The way you treat me isn't because I'm distant. Have you ever thought that you're the reason I don't let you in? You judge everything I do!"

"No-"

"Oscar, you told me my haircut looked like shit. I get you were being honest, but you could've spared my feelings."