Ed

Easy baby maybe I'm a liar, but for tonight I wanna fall in love, and put your faith in my stomach – Ed Sheeran

She called me once as I was just going into the corner store. A second time as I was grabbing my first beer off the shelf. The calls kept coming, too. She was persistent. But I didn’t care. I was being reckless and hopeless. In need of drinks. In need of a way to forget.

I wanted something to make the guilt disappear.

Another beer and another phone call. The clock rolled past six, the sun just rising, as I sat on the concrete in the front of the liquor station. With a cigarette lit in one hand and a beer in the other, I had to say I was calming down.

Hours passed as I remained in front of the store. Every time I finished off a drink, I’d go in and buy another one. When my pack was smoked, I’d head in and get another. People passed by me in one blurry rush.

Calls were constant. Voicemails left. I never answered, but I didn’t shut my phone off either. I’m not sure what I was looking for exactly. Attention? Did I want Nina to worry? My head was in the clouds from the drink. If I did answer, I wouldn’t be able to make sense out of leaving.

I had my eyes set on the pub across the street. Waiting for the guy to show up and open the doors. I was buying time drinking on the sidewalk while I waited. Wasting my money. My time. My life. Everything connected in my mind; my new relationship, my career, Alice…all of that was gone. Vanished to another dimension and I couldn’t grasp the thought of what my life was at the moment. Where I stood relationship wise. Everything a jumble of shit.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” The clerk nudged his foot in my side. “As much as I love your business-“

I shook my head, pushed myself up, and brushed the back of my jeans off. My head was swirling, the ground spinning below my feet. I had these feeling that if I tried to walk, I’d trip and fall on my face. The clerk patted me on the shoulder and left me to deal with my own problem. The bell ringing above the door making the feeling of being drunk even crazier as the sound hit my ears.

It had been a while since I was this trashed from only a few bottles a beer. The only thought that coursed through my mind was, “How the hell am I going to cross the street?”

I had been worse, I guess. To the point where I couldn’t even stand up. All I needed was to move my feet until I was positive I was all the way there. When I was smashed, it was easy. I didn’t wobble or fall. Yet, I couldn’t even see ten feet in front of me. It felt like I was on a merry-go-round that was spinning way too fast.

“Need any help?” someone passing by asked. I shook my head no, kicking the empty glass bottle lightly with my foot. “I’m good.” I slurred. And I had to be because I had to get over that bar and get another drink into my system before my brain exploded.

When I’m drunk, my thoughts either completely vanish or I’m stuck with the same repeated ones.  It was the same thing in my brain. A worried Nina with a phone pressed to her ear. A pregnant Alice screaming at me. Guilt.

Without much thought and little remembrance of how I ended up here, I fell through the doors of the pub. Empty, except for an old man at the bar, I collapsed into a booth in the back. I rested my head on the cool surface of the table, my arms over my pounding head.

“Ed?” I hear someone say. Squinting, I look up slowly. I thought it was going to be Nina. Instead, it was an old friend. Charlotte. “What’s up?”

Drunk off my ass, it was hard to form words. In the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t completely drunk. It was my head playing games with me. Making the guilt and the stress intensify the drink.

I couldn’t be this trashed.

I looked around. I hadn’t realized this was the bar Charlotte worked at. Obviously it was… I met her here.

“What are you doing working?” I asked, my voice low.

Charlotte slid a cup over to me and smiled, “Trying my best to not be poor…”

It was coffee. 

I shook my head, “I want another drink, please.”

“I think you’ll be okay. Just drink the coffee, then I’ll get you another beer.” She was talking to me like I was a child.

Charlotte slid into the seat across from me and folded her hands together. She looked the same. Green apron over the same clothes. The same dark makeup she always wore. Her hair back into a pony tail. “I happen to be very mad at you.”

“Why?”

“You’re my friend; but I haven’t seen or heard from you in months. You live literally ten minutes away from my work!”

“Everything-“ I cut myself off with a loud burp. She rolled her eyes. “Everything has turned to shit.”

“Well, I could make it better if you would just call me…”

I laughed, “I’ll call you sometime.”

I sipped at the coffee and somehow my headache was slowly fading. Becoming more knowing to where I was, I began to loosen up. I craved for liquor, but sat with the hot cup instead.

“How’s Alice?” And just like that, my headache was back. Charlotte could tell, I guess, because she quickly refrained. “Not good, huh?”

I groan, “Not at all. How about-“

“Oh, you know, the same.”

“Still a dick?”

“Still a dick.”

At that moment, I realized what I had for a split second. I remembered that I had Nina. This girl who was almost too close to perfect. But in the instant that I thought that, it quickly went away and I began to sulk once more. “I have a new girl, now.”

Charlotte’s eyes widen, “Who?”

“Her names Nina. Nina Nesbitt. She’s pretty fucking awesome.”

“Sounds like a fake name.” she laughs. “I doubt she’s even real. Probably just a figment of your imagination.”

I pulled out my phone and wiped away the dust. Prepared to show Charlotte a picture. About twenty more missed calls from Nina. “I think I have a picture around here somewhere.” It didn’t matter, though, because seconds after I started looking, Nina walked into the bar.

Her eyes didn’t meet mine at first. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and she had to keep one hand on her sweats to keep them from falling. I couldn’t process anything at that point. Should I move? Should I hide my face? Should I greet her as if I had done nothing?  

I stayed put. Nina didn’t see me. Charlotte smiled and shook her head, “I’ve gotta get back to work.” I nodded a goodbye.

Another sip of the black coffee. It burned my throat. “Can I have another drink?” I called after Charlotte. It was to catch Nina’s attention without directly calling out to her. Remember? I was an attention whore. I wanted her to see me sulk, wallowing in my own self-pity as I drank away my sorrows.

Now, I wasn’t completely sure what sorrows I had. While Alice and I ended, over forever ago I should add, I had Nina. The girl who could do no wrong. But here I was, acting as if the world owed me something.

Charlotte gave me the finger before disappearing into the kitchen. Nina’s head shot over to my direction and her worried eyes finally went away. She crossed over the distance between us and stood at the edge of the table.

“Where the hell have you been?” she asked me.

I blinked, “Here.”

“Since six? It’s noon! I don’t think so.”

“Calm down, Nina.”

“Calm down!?”

“Stop being crazy!”

“I was worried, Ed!”

“Stop fucking worrying about me, I’m fine!” I yelled. “It’s not your job to worry about me.”

She was fumed. Her face red from embarrassment and tears streaks running down her face. She set the keys to my truck down on the table and slid into the seat. Nina pushed her hair back, resting her head in her hands. Her shoulders shook.

“I’m going to use the bathroom.” I said and she stayed put. I slipped the keys off the table and into my pocket before walking away from the table. Passing by the bathrooms completely and outside. Drunkenly, no matter if it was safe or not, I got in my car and drove off.

I was a douche.

A dumbass.

But I didn’t care.

I drove away from her and onto the next pub in sight.

Hours later, and the day was finally cycling again. The sun setting as I downed my last beer and stumbled out the door. My head was gone, but I had the common sense that I was far too trashed to drive.

I called a cab. Leaving only one car left here, parked out on the street. The one I had grown up with. And either I call another cab to take me to my other car or Nina drives. I don’t know which one was worse.

By the time I got up the stairs and to the apartment, I was a fireball. The fuse within me lit and everyone in the way of the explosion were to be hit. I kicked the door open further with the heel of my foot and it slammed into the wall. Leaving a hole behind. “Shit!” I cursed, throwing down my jacket.

Nina came in, her tears dried. I guess a few more hours away from me did the trick. She was fine. Her eyes were wide, angry even.

“You fucking left me!” she yelled at me. Her voice echoing through the apartment. “You dangerously drove away drunk and left me at that fucking bar with no money!”

I’m a gentle drunk. I don’t yell – while I’m reckless, I’m never challenging someone around me for a fight. It wasn’t safe. Words could be dropped that I’d never remember saying and everything would be over. I’d rather attack myself.

Nina had to have been the first to see the angry side of drunk Ed.

“Fuck!” I screamed, pulling at my shaggy, orange hair. Checking out the damage the door did to my wall. Nina stormed into the kitchen, slamming the swinging door behind her. Letting it go back and forth for a minute by itself before she kicked it again and a crack ran through it. 

I didn’t care.

Pictures of Alice and I laid out from the box, askew on the floor. While I might have missed a few, I had a feeling Nina had been looking at them. And I hated that. I didn’t care if we were in a “relationship,” she had no right to look at my old life with Alice.

“Why are my pictures everywhere?!” I shouted. “They aren’t yours to fucking look at!”

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve said the f-bomb more in my life. Today was an exception for the both of us.

I wasn’t completely convinced she could even understand me, either, so saying the word was a waste of breath. My words scrambled, slurring here and there.. I could hear her sobbing from where I stood, but I couldn’t draw any attention to the fact that I was making her cry.

I was shocked she didn’t just leave me. Go back home. That’s would I would have done if I were her. Get on the next bus and away from the asshole that I am.

Pushing myself to face her in the kitchen, my eyes scanned the door. I thought the only damage to the door was the crack until I actually moved through the kitchen. Turning around, the giant hole her foot made became visible. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out once I seen her face.

I felt even worse. The flame of anger was dying down. She was killing my rage. I was falling harder in love with her and that’s the exact opposite of what I wanted.

I didn’t apologize, though. My heart wanted to, but my tongue wouldn’t form the simple words.

I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and was willing to start all over again.

But I couldn’t.

I was still so fucking angry at myself. She did nothing, but she was there. Edging me on. Throwing me under the bus with her puppy-dog brown eyes.

“You kicked my door in!?” I said loudly.

She fiercely yelled back at me. Nina proved that she was stubborn. She wasn’t going to let me see her cry. She wiped her tears away from her red, swollen eyes, and pushed me away from her. Her force stronger than expected.

I went back, but instead of just coming back to my senses, my foot connected with the metal barstool and it flew across the room. Crashing against the wall. Another hole relevant. Nina jumped back.

I wasn’t physically violent. Over the past weeks, I don’t know what was coming over me. First fighting with Oscar, now the barstool?

My hand swiped across the counter and everything in its path went flying to the ground. Mugs my mother had given me or Taylor had bought smashed into tiny little pieces.

“Might as well, right?” I screamed, stomping into the other room.

“Stop, Ed!” she tried now, but I was on a rampage. Nina pulled on my arm, but I pushed her away like I did with everyone. Push them away and pretend that feelings for them were never there. Like I said before, might as well.

The beer bottle from last night was still on the coffee table. Full. I had taken one sip and it went to waste. My fingers wrapped around the warm bottle and brought it to my lips.

“No. You don’t need anymore!” Nina said. Her tiny hand grabbing my arm and the other reaching for the beer. “Ed! Give me the fucking bottle!”

I pulled my elbow back and flung the bottle across the room. It hit the wall. A mixture of glass and warm beer came flying back at us. “I don’t get why you’re doing this!” she tried.

I had to push her away. My life was a fucked up mess. Getting her involved would only lead to trouble. Nina had a life in front of her. She didn’t need some douche fucking it up. Some idiot who still thought about the girl he dated when he was a teenager. She didn’t need any hold-backs.

I was furious. Mad at the fact Alice ruined my love life forever. Leaving me hopeless – scared to even have someone else in my life that I could love more than her.

My emotions had left me with confusion. One second I’m fucking mad and the next I’m so in love. I hated myself.

I was going crazy and Nina clarified that, too, by screaming, “Have you gone mad?”

I chucked the box of pictures at the wall, but it ended up in the bathroom. I guess my dad was right, my aim does suck. I grabbed for the bathroom’s door knob and pulled it shut, slamming it hard enough to make the walls shake.

If Alice’s pictures were stuck in that room, then I wouldn’t have to think about them.

“Ed,” Nina said as I threw more stuff. My hands wouldn’t stop. The only thing far from ruined was the glass table in the middle of my living room. “Please, stop destroying-“

“Why, Nina? My life’s fucked up!” I yell, tears burning the corner of my eyes. My lip trembled. “I wreck everything, why not wreck my apartment, too.”

 “Ed, this isn’t like you!”

“You don’t even know me!” I shouted at her. “We’ve just met! You have no clue how I am! Which is fucking clueless, Nina! What if I was some killer, or something? What do you actually know about me? Nothing! It’s bullshit.” Looking her straight in the eye, I say, “Your faith in me is bullshit.”

Biting her lip to keep from yelling at me, only letting a simple, “Fuck you.” slip before she just shook her head and walked away. The glass crunched under her boots until she disappeared back into the kitchen. I knew what she was doing. Nina didn’t want to either: cry in front of me or yell at me. Considering the fact I was overly wasted, I get why. I’d criticize her for crying like the dick I was. And yelling at me would just lead to an unforgivable fight.

I followed her. She stood, frozen, looking over the damage I did to this palace. A flat she wanted of her own ruined. Still without an apology, I moved closer to her. She backed away from me, falling into the island in the middle of the kitchen.

We were so close. I could feel her hot breath on my lips. Her heartbeat loud and fast. Quickening every step I took. Her eyes remained planted on the floor, away from mine. Her face was stone cold as she showed no mercy for sad, drunken Ed.

Roughly, my hands are on her. My sweaty palm against the back of her neck, pulling her into me. I pushed my lips into hers powerfully. “What the fuck, dude?” she screamed, pushing me away with all her might. I stumbled backwards. Trying to regain my balance harder than it usually was.

I couldn’t shake the anxious feeling rising in the pit of my stomach now. It bubbled, my hands shaking, as I locked my eyes on her.

She turned around, going to leave the room again. Quickly, I pushed her up against the wall next to the kitchen door. My fingers tangled themselves in her bleached hair, as my mouth connected with her neck. “I wanna’ feel you love.”

“Get off of me!” she said, shoving me forcefully away. I didn’t budge. “You’re fucking bipolar or something!”

I messed up. Spending the day drinking to suppress devotion. I wanted to rid my mind of the love I had felt for her – but I’ve taken things too far. Treating her like nothing but a petty lover. I really fucked it all up.

Alice’s fault.

No, I couldn’t blame someone that’s not involved. She didn’t get drunk and scream at her new lover. She didn’t trash her flat. I did. That was all me.

It’s all my fault.

And now I was crying. Drunken tears that would embarrass me in the morning. I sobbed, head buried in the crook of her neck, as my shoulders shook. “Just hold me.” I cry.

She had fire in her eyes, but I had once, too. That’s how alike we were and it scared the shit out of me. “Just get off of me!” She screamed in the loudest voice she good muster. Trying to sound stern, but her lip quivered, too.

I shook my head, trying to hold back another rainstorm of crying. “Nina, I’m so sorry. I know I’ve only caused you pain, but-”

“Don’t you think you should have said that before?” she said, eyes flooding.  “You show no fucking emotion, Ed. You’re eyes are stone. They’ve been like that all day and it’s scaring me!” she cried. “You’re looking at me like a fucking statue of someone I used to know! It’s as if everything we did or said the past weeks never happened! It’s like the guy I loved just vanished.”

I was tempted to say, ‘You don’t even know me.’ again, but I left it alone. That wasn’t going to fix the mess I made. It wasn’t going to dig me out of this grave.

It was crazy that she already loved me – but I guess not really considering I felt the same. I was trying to live a lie. Giving up on something that just started. Because I’m a mess inside and out.

“I’m in love with you!” I spit out. “I swear to God I’m falling in love with you. I wasn’t at first, not even when I kissed you the first time. You fucking grew on me and I hate it! I didn’t want to be with anyone – to feel this way every again. Alice was going to be the last!  I was going to marry her, have ten kids, until that ended - and, well, I just really love you.”

“I hate myself for doing this to you!” I slammed my hand against the wall behind her. My palm starting to sting. I felt powerless, my emotions incontrollable. More helpless tears fell and slid down my cheeks and I roughly brushed them away. “I’m just this guy who can’t get his choices under control! My thoughts are screwed up, as are my priorities, and I flipped out.”

I hated being this way. I shouldn’t have drank today. This shouldn’t be the way things are.

I destroyed everything.

She didn’t react, so a minute later I moved to the side. She stood there for a second, eyeing me. Finally, Nina passed by me with no emotion left. Pushing the swinging door open with her shoulder. Collapsing on the couch, pushing back her hair with a shaky hand.

I regretted the love I felt for her, but it’s the exact opposite now. And I felt like shit.

“I never met someone that made me feel quite this way.” She whispers, voice low. Sad. Dragging my feet, I stood at the end of the couch that faced the one she sat on. “No