The Gift of Youth

I used to think I'm older than I actually am. At eight years old I found out by myself that my sisters and I don't have the same fathers. I knew things I shouldn't have known at that age. That was also the age that I started to question my identity. But now I knew nothing.

The class was jet-lagged from the holiday break, but I was waiting for this. To meet Mix as soon as I could. To clarify what he meant in his post. From his evasiveness, whenever I approached him, each time we passed each other by the doorway or inside the room. It was true.

The sparks in his eyes were gone and no words ever came out of his mouth. During one of our breaks, I snuck a sidelong glance at him and immediately withdrew it. Then I tore out a small sheet of paper from my notebook.

I wrote: I'm sorry.

Though I pondered that he had had enough apologies from the past week.

So I rewrote: you're uglier when you frown.

But added, Smile ka naman jan. (with a smiley face I used to put when I'm checking his paper under the words "Corrected by: Uly")

I passed it to Van but after he read it, he looked at me with a suppressing look and clicked his tongue.

"Just let him be," he said while giving me back the piece of paper. They've been the bulwark between Mix and me because I took all the blame for the abuse of his trust.

"Lilipas din yan," Arvin assured, "It'll pass."

And that's what I did. I hid behind a cloak, only taking furtive glances and silent queries about Mix as time passed. Avoidance and indifference became the norm for the following days. I could've been teasing him that he's older than me after his birthday. I could've been asking what his New Year's resolution was. We could've been stealing kisses and doing secret hugs like we used to.

I heard he tried out on his barangay's basketball team and he got accepted. I wanted to congratulate him. He also had a new haircut. I knew the girls would love it. I loved it.

A part of me refused to believe anyone could change this quickly. It's drastic and tremendous. Probably such change could come from something as serious as what I did. But it's funny to think how he fell in love with the poser. But it somehow hurt that I was behind that poser. In a sense, I was the one who he fell in love with. I was being delusional.

Just how could we forget the person who's there for us so quickly. That applied to both of us. But I didn't mean any spite with that poser. Didn't we used to prank each other, didn't we? Did I go too far? But how does one know if he's taking things too far, if he's affecting someone's life more than he should?

It's all fun and games but I finally got what was coming to me. Did I think that I would still get away with it this time and he would just accept my apology? But he should. Because we're friends!

My lamest attempt to get his attention was when Leslie brought a VR headset during lunch and she let everyone in the class borrow it. It was so real it's unreal. I was used to the technique of making someone laugh is you have to make fun of someone. So I made fun of myself.

It was a horror 3D video inside the VR where ghosts would jumpscare you. When it's my turn, I screamed and screamed in front of the class. Then I heard everyone laughing as I exaggerated my movements like I was being killed. When I removed my headset, my face was covered with sweat and the class was still laughing. Mix finally did talk to me though he said, "You looked stupid."

I don't know why but I didn't mind dousing myself in shame. Despite the cruelty of his words, there was something lonely in his expression. If you prefer that we need not speak, it's okay with me, I thought, just don't ignore me again. It's okay with me. I couldn't bear to repeat what happened with Crimson.

To think I would make the same mistake twice. Except all I kept thinking was, this would all pass and that this was normal, friends fight, friends...No, all I kept thinking was I didn't commit anything irreversible, it's still repairable, curable as if it's just some kind of cold and it'll get better even without taking a pill. 

I nurtured that thought as carefully as I could like a mother to her child. But this isn't just about me. I should have known how lonely he was. I should've known the stakes were high that I would lose him.

We're too hopeful that there will always be second chances. Second mistakes maybe. I should have foreseen this and yet and yet. I came to think that being youthful equated to being hopeful. It's a gift bestowed on the young. Weren't we just kids and didn't know better?

"For the record, I was just being honest," I said to Blinkey after class. "Didn't they teach us in school that honesty is the best policy."

"What happened?" Blinkey asked. She wasn't there at the carnival but Mix was ignoring her too.

"Maybe they should have been blunt and just said if you don't tell the truth, you'll suffer the consequences."

"Don't worry," she advised after I told her everything. "If you have one thousand friends and you lost one, would you focus on that one instead of the other nine-hundred ninety-nine?"

I kept silent.

If we knew the consequences, would that only make us more afraid of speaking the truth? But if either way we'd suffer, is that why we'd rather live in lies that comfort us, that tell us anything can be in our favor? 

It's the same as hiding our deepest desires, our longings, in lies because we think so much of what other people would say about us. Day by day we would be straying farther from the truth then. But what is the truth, Mix?

"Mix was also being close to Romeo, don't you think?"

"They call each other honey and bee," Blinkey gossiped.

"Is that true?"

Did I really just assume everything? And he treated everyone just the same as I was? Did I think I was someone special to him?

When Mix and I were still avoiding each other in February, pride finally overtook. I cornered him inside our room but he still wouldn't talk to me. 

Blinking my eyes away, I said, "You know what fine!" 

Then I started saying terrible things behind his back. The word "cheater" spread like wildfire. I was enraged for him to discard me like that.

I began to question "Did we really become friends?" 

What if all along it's just a dare a prank to let my guard down like what I did to Avi. What if all along were you just manipulating me to think I had someone who I could trust? Was I anywhere near the ballpark? As if he hadn't got a clue that he's being played with. He had to be smart enough to know!

"Call me anything you like," I heard him say one day, "just don't call me a cheater." He didn't say it directly to me but it bombed my hideaway. As a concession, not a bargain, I didn't say anything to him anymore. It wasn't me to do something as selfish as that. Pride might have overtaken but guilt still prevailed. The fire subsided but our group inevitably fell apart.

Marcus made a new group called Nanatsu no Kyojin or Seven Titans. It was about basketball and they added new members. From there, it was hard to ignore that our group was falling into ruins. At first, Blinkey and I were still included but we felt left out and quit the group.

Marcus offered comradeship and I followed him just as I followed Mix when Crimson was avoiding me. Maybe more like his chaperone. I helped him with his homework in exchange for him treating me at the canteen. When we talked about my status with Mix it was fomenting instead of compassion coming from him. 

If this was another wheel of fate, I wouldn't fall for it. He would still borrow my phone sometimes and log in to his account. Eventually, I realized that he was only widening the rift between us and I resented him for that.

I wished we could go back to those days. Before we were still scared of hurting ourselves. Before we know how to save our happiness...Things did seem to go back to the way they were. I was alone again but not all the time. Blinkey was most of the time my companion, more comfortable to be with unlike Marcus.

One windy afternoon, it was a half-day class, so we visited our old room in Main. We sat by the stairs taking turns playing Cytus on her phone. There were also the boys from the new group playing basketball. When Blinkey was playing, I took out my phone and came back to Mix's post.

It read something like this:

Dear ___,____,____,____,____, (he left blanks for our names which I guessed for Arvin, Van, Blinkey, Marcus, and mine) After, Wait, a long series of hahaha followed and a greeting. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. This is my first time doing this because you gave me a reason. Master, thank you for telling it last night. I consider that your gift to me.

Him still calling me master set me in flames.

Of course, I was surprised. I didn't expect you were all behind that account and I can't believe I fell for your words. When I read that someone was complaining as if he wanted to prolong it with his reaction 'Bat ngay?'

I hope you won't do this again, using other people's identity to fool others. You all know yourselves and I hope you change yourselves too.

Don't say sorry Master, it's my fault for letting myself be deceived,

you don't have to blame yourself for anything,

Thank you for the Christmas gift master.

It disintegrated me to ashes as I read that last part.

However, as a postscript he added, I only laughed at your pranks at me but sometimes it hurts. Mostly you (with a punch emoji). I felt like it wasn't addressed to me but I took the blame. Didn't I?

I revert my eyes to the boys playing on the court. Then suddenly they're holding back Mix and Marcus. Their eyes were fiery and Mix scowled at Marcus. But Arvin and Van cooled them off as the wall they served. Mix backed away and Marcus followed. I never knew what they almost fought for but I had my guesses.