Enmu awoke with a sharp pain in his back. In the half asleep state that he was in now, he had trouble getting a hold of his surroundings. But that didn't matter right now. He just wanted to continue sleeping...

He soon realized that that wasn't possible; he obviously wasn't tired anymore and the aching in his body was preventing him from falling asleep again as well. After a few minutes of tossing himself around the bed he couldn't keep his eyes shut anymore.

He was obviously at his house, in his room, inside his bed. So much was clear to him now. But why the hell did his body hurt like after an hour-long physical exercise? What had he done last night-

The memory hit him.

It was insane to think back to it.

He had slept with Douma.

Right now, it just seemed to be like a distant dream. Had it not been for the pain in his body, Enmu wouldn't have believed that it had happened at all. It was just way too absurd.

Had Douma really agreed to...? Douma?? The god whom he could never even come close to, and whose attention he did not deserve? The god he worshiped?

It was impossible.

But then, he remembered everything else. The pain... The realization that Douma was not who Enmu had thought he was... He quickly shooed the thought away.

Sitting up in his bed, he looked around. One question remained unanswered.. Where the hell was Douma?

Enmu couldn't see him anywhere in the room.

'Douma?', he asked into the silence with his still sleepy voice. Maybe Enmu was just blind...

But there was no answer. He took that as an indicator that Douma was in another room, using the toilet for example. On the other hand... Now, Enmu came to the realization that all of Douma's stuff was gone as well.

That was weird. He stood up, and tried to dismiss the doubts and confused thoughts that now crept into his mind. Douma was probably somewhere downstairs...

Then, he saw the piece of paper that was lying on the floor. It was so evidently placed that it was impossible to have been an accident. Enmu quickly picked it up, a bit scared of what was to expect..

He unfolded it, and examined it closely. There was a message written on it:

'Hey babygirl, sorry I had to leave early. My parents called me'

Enmu's face fell. Douma was gone.

It was obviously his handwriting, there was no use denying it. He stared at the piece of paper, unable to process what he had just read.

Then, it suddenly hit him.

Douma had lied to him.

The message was obviously an excuse. Douma had said that his parents were on a business trip. It was impossible that they had called him. Douma just had not been able to bear spend another minute with Enmu, after he had touched him the whole night.

He had apparently left in a rush. Had he had had an intent on coming back to Enmu, then he would have been more precise with his message, or at least tried to wake the other up before he left.

But as none of this was the case, Enmu started to understand that Douma had just wanted to leave as fast as possible. Understandable, considering how much time he had wasted on Enmu...

Slowly, it was all starting to fall together in his mind. Douma's promises of love and purpose had already seemed so foreign, undeserved and impossible to reach for him, and now it all made sense. It was because they had been nothing more than white lies.

In reality, Douma had never intended to actually love Enmu and stay with him. His abrupt way of leaving, and his weird, irrational wishes and promises served as evidence.

But then... What had been his true intent? The intent of a being so gracious as Douma? Well, Enmu assumed that it was usage.

Yes, Douma must have had used him... What other reason could there be to even look at Enmu? He had probably used him to get what he wanted. Easy sexual pleasure. And now that he had gotten what he wanted, he had been able to just leave.

Yes, Enmu had been a truly easy victim; desperate and horny as he always was. So of course, Douma had jumped onto the bandwagon, and taken this opportunity to strike.

On the other hand... had it not been Enmu who had initiated their... act? After finding out that this Douma was willing to touch him, he had asked him to make love to him, and had it not been for his begs for Douma to go further, the other male would have probably not even gotten the idea to sleep with him. Or...

Oh gods.

Suddenly, Enmu understood. Douma was truly an emotional genius. He had manipulated Enmu into a state of seeming comfort and security. He had felt loved by Douma, and thought that this had been right.

Douma had taken advantage of his emotional and confused state, giving him just the right impulses to fall into the trap. And Enmu had willingly done so, thinking that he wanted to sleep with Douma.

Oh, he could recall how good it had felt... And Douma's everpresent praises had made everything even better. Every time Douma had told him how good he was being right now..., or how beautiful he was, had borne a new butterfly in his stomach, until he had felt completely filled up by them.

Now, he only felt miserable. He would never be able to feel this happiness again, and now that he had tasted it, his life felt even more dull without it than before. It was like a drug, no, better than a drug. And he still wanted it, of course, but he knew he couldn't get it, because fate just loved to torture him, because he didn't even deserve it in the first place, and because Douma had lied to him.

He had been used. Oh so selfishly used and taken advantage of. He understood that now, exposing himself to Douma like that had been a huge mistake. How could he have been so stupid?

But he didn't mind it, honestly. Just like when cutting himself, he found that he enjoyed the pain. He probably deserved it, anyway. And it was so overwhelming that he couldn't breathe or speak, such a... stimulation.

It was all good. It hurt so goddamn much but it was okay because it was Douma. Douma was his god, and to get used by him was a blessing to Enmu. It was such an honour, honestly.

If Douma hurt him like this, then it had to be right. After all, everything about him was right.

It had to be right.

It just had to be...

Enmu cried.

He cried quietly at first, but as the time passed and he just couldn't stop himself, his cries soon started turning into uncontrollable sobs.

It just hurt so goddamn much...

It's okay!, he tried to tell himself. It wasn't that bad of a feeling, actually. And it was deserved after the stupid mistakes he had made, so why did he bother crying?

But nothing worked. The tears just continued running down his face, and there was nothing he could do to stop them. His whole face was torn in despair, and he found himself falling to his knees upon the emotions that flowed over him. He was once again completely overwhelmed.

Enmu was in agony. He had been used, treated like a puppet, played with like a toy. And then, he had been tossed out like trash.

But what had he been expecting? He had been so foolish to think that he'd be getting something that he clearly didn't deserve. He was so used to things like these, so why had he fallen into this trap now and given in to his selfish dreams?

Because Douma was different. He was a god, and had truly touched Enmu's heart.

No, wait. This had nothing to do with Douma. His divinity should have had served as an indicator for Enmu to not have any hopes at all, since Douma was so so out of his league.

But had he listened to that? No, of course not! He had been so stupid, pathetic and selfish to actually think that Douma could love him. How!? Why!? What part of his fate had he not understood!?

He was a creep, a deformed, ugly creature unworthy of love. This was what he had been all his life, but last night, he had tried to have a taste of what it was like to not be that. His unwillingness to accept his fate had turned him even more guilty, even more unworthy.

How had he even dared to ask Douma for his mercy?? He had tainted a divine being like him by getting in touch with him, only to feel like someone that he wasn't and that he could never be, for once.

Douma had been forced to perform the act of love and lust with him, having to pretend that Enmu was something beautiful and desirable. His beautiful, deception-tainted soul that already lied way too much to hide its incompleteness had now been dirtied by Enmu's ugliness, and tainted even further due to being forced to lie so heavily.

Enmu felt so guilty; he was the reason why Douma probably had to suffer now and why he had to cleanse himself. He should have had never told Douma how much he wanted him, so as not to tempt him to taint himself.

Yes, because an angel and a piece of dirt just weren't supposed to touch. And there were good reasons for that; namely, that the piece of dirt would get a taste of heaven that it didn't deserve and become addicted; and the angel would have its beautiful soul infected and tainted by the piece of dirt's ugliness.

None of his and Douma's interactions should have had ever happened. So much did Enmu realize now. And he had been right to initially avoid Douma, since any interaction between the two would have resulted in despair. And as Enmu had broken the rules and let Douma in, he was now suffering the consequences of his actions.

Enmu wasn't blaming Douma for what had happened. Even if he had been the one to manipulate and use Enmu, it wasn't his fault that Enmu had been dumb enough to believe him. His foolish heart had just begged for a reason to think that it deserved more, and Douma had given him the perfect reason.

Oh gods, Enmu was so goddamn pathetic... Even though he had been who he was for his whole life, just some simple words from his crush had been enough to make him believe in something else.

He was so weak.

Weak not only in body, but in mind too. He should have had been stronger... Furtherly shutting Douma out would have been the right decision. And staying strong in his mentality, not letting himself believe in the opposite just because Douma had said it, and not letting his belief shatter upon Douma's reveal that he was nothing but an empty shell.

Because there was something that Douma didn't understand. No matter how much he lied to Enmu, he was always going to be perfect to him. His angel, his hero, and his god.

But Enmu had still been too weak. He had made such a horrible mistake, one that now seemed to take all of his life forces and privileges away. A mistake that made him hate himself like never before.

He was so ugly, disgusting, pathetic. He didn't deserve to live, let alone love. It was horrifying, and he just wanted to die. And then he realized something.

His greatest mistake... had been to fall in love with Douma.

Those feelings were wrong, unrightful. He deserved all the pain in the world for them, so that was what he was getting.

Enmu knew exactly what he had to do now. He was going to isolate himself from Douma; completely. He at least had to try and fix his initial mistake, so that was what he did.

Douma's beautiful existence had already been tainted enough by a pathetic creature like Enmu; so much that he had been forced to take him as his meaning temporarily.

So, Enmu decided that he was going to erase himself from Douma's life, to avoid further despair. And he was going to start by not replying to his messages.

The thing was only... He wasn't even receiving any messages. It was as if Douma had completely forgotten about him.

Of course, that was expected, natural and good. It was another proof for the fact that Douma had used Enmu, and it really made his task to isolate himself from him a lot easier.

It was as if the other had realized the same things as him, and decided to take the first step towards their complete separation. Their connection had been a mistake, after all. It filled Enmu with relief to know that Douma and him shared this consent.

On the other hand, no matter how right this situation was, Enmu continued still hoping for a message from Douma. It really was foolish to think that he even deserved this, and he knew that speaking was that very same dumb and dangerous part of his heart that had let him give himself to Douma.

He knew that this part had to be killed, because it only brought despair and problems. He desperately tried to shut those thoughts of hope out, but apparently, he was still too weak for that too...

And it hurt. It hurt really, really badly. Because he had such a pathetic mentality, he had grown so emotionally addicted to Douma that he still couldn't let go.. And the strings of emotional addiction seemed to be pulling his heart out of his body.

He wanted Douma back, no, he needed him. But he knew that he was not allowed to have him, and not even want him either. But he still wanted him, no matter how wrong he knew that was, and that was why he hated himself so much.

Every single one of Enmu's nerves was overwhelmed with heavy feelings. It seemed like he was caught up in a black loop of self-loathing and pain; and he was being sucked deeper and deeper into it.

He couldn't get out. Even as the hours went by, it didn't get less painful. Enmu just spent the whole day doing nothing; only sitting on the floor and drowning himself in his misery. Sometimes crying, sometimes staring at Douma's profile picture on his phone, and then hating himself for not sticking to his plan of isolating himself from Douma.

It only became worse the next day. Just like the day before, he spent the Sunday barely eating and sleeping, only crying. Hour after hour passed, and the pain only deepened. Why the hell was he like this!?

Enmu tried to hurt himself again, but that didn't work either. No matter how deep he'd cut, the thoughts and feelings just kept coming back.

He was so worthless.

He was so weak.

He was so pathetic.

But he still continued doing it, because at this point, he just felt like he deserved it.

He wasn't sure how, but on Monday, Enmu actually managed to force himself to school. No one there noticed the state he was in, but no one cared about him anyway, so why would they notice?

At any rate; for some reason, Douma wasn't there at all. Enmu couldn't see him anywhere in the school building or around the school grounds, even though his stupid feet always brought him to Douma's friends.

Now, it seemed truly like Douma had made the same decision as Enmu, namely to stay out of his life forever. It was evident. Douma wanted no part of him.

Not seeing him in school had finally sparked this realization inside Enmu. Douma had run away from him, and there was only one way to make things right. He had to give up on him.

But how?? Enmu knew he had to let him go. But the threads of emotional addiction were still connecting them, and he knew he'd always suffer and want Douma because of this.

But then... it hit him.

He had no other choice.

Enmu's mind suddenly became completely blank, completely light and free from all the things that pulled him down.

Yes, this was the idea.

He just had to die!

If he died, he'd finally be free. Free from all of this pain, his hatred for himself that kept eating him out. Free from his doubts and insecurities, free from his ugly body. Free from his agonizing desire for Douma, and the awareness that he didn't deserve him. Free from all of those people, and their harmful words and judgement. Free from the neverending search for meaning. Free from himself.

Right now, it sounded like such a relief. Enmu felt like he couldn't go on if things continued to be this way, it just all hurt too much... And he had made the mistake to try to want something that he didn't deserve, which had ruined his life forever.

There was no hope left for him. There had never been any hope for him, in fact, but now that he had messed up, his life had reached a dead end. And there was only one way out. The greatest escape.

If Enmu died, he would fix everything he'd done wrong. He had ruined Douma's life by entering it, so to repair it again, he had to exit it. And the only way to exit it completely was... death.

Indirectly, the two boys would always be connected. Their interaction had caused an emotional thread to form between them, and if no one cut it through, Enmu was always going to long for Douma and therefore prevent the thread from tearing. Death was the safest way to tear this thread apart, because Enmu would be gone, completely gone.

Not only from Douma's life, but from all life in whole.

Oh, to die... Enmu had honestly thought about it a few times, but he had never cared about life enough to throw it away. He had just lived. In a state of isolation, in acceptance of his nature, but without any hard feelings.

But now, that he had felt things, they had brought him to his knees. He realized now, that in the real world, he wouldn't survive anyway. He was too fragile and weak.

And he had made the mistake to fall in love with Douma, which had cost him his tranquil state of existence.

Dying seemed like the best possible option for Enmu right now. He had nothing to lose, after all. And he knew that no one would miss him. He had no friends; only Daki would maybe have to find someone new to complain to. But that was no real problem. Enmu was disposable, after all.

His parents wouldn't care either. They had stopped caring a long time ago, and they'd be only happy if that one nuisance that still forced them to stay together finally disappeared. Enmu would do them a favour.

And not only them, but everyone else too. He was a parasite, a piece of dirt in everyone's lives. He was a pathetic shadow, a filthy creature that only caused disgust in others. It filled him with true relief to know that he'd take that from others.

And lastly, he didn't even see any point in living anymore. Douma had become the true meaning of his life, and worshipping him and being loved by him was his purpose.

But now, he knew that Douma didn't love him, and would never be able to, so there was no purpose in his pathetic existence anymore. It was better to perish than to live a meaningless life.

The only thing worth living for was Douma's love, and since Enmu had gotten a taste of that on that Friday night, his purpose had been fulfilled. He could die in peace now.

He had been touched by heaven; and even though he did not deserve it, he could still consider himself blessed. And he was going to take this blessing, and hope that it would let him die peacefully. Maybe, he at least deserved that.

Enmu was going to take all that pain with him, and by dying, he would take the ugliness with which he had tainted Douma with him as well. He was going to leave this world behind for good, and free it from his creep existence.

So, Enmu went to school on Tuesday, with the intention of never ever coming back...

~

Douma was incredibly displeased. After spending the night with Enmu, he had been forced to leave early by his parents. He had not been expecting this at all, knowing that they'd be gone on a business trip. And they indeed were, but they had spontaneously revealed that Douma should come to them and join them.

Okay, not actually join. But very close to the place that they were staying at, an educational camp that lasted