Enmu was at the rooftop. He had thought long and hard about how to do it, and finally come to the conclusion that jumping would be his most practical option. Unlike for example stabbing himself, it couldn't really go wrong. Their school building was four storeys high, so he would die for sure.

Plus, it was easy; he'd just have to jump. Jumping from a river bridge to drown himself for example would be more difficult, as he would have to fight his survival instincts and keep himself from reaching the surface. The place was also easily accessible, as it was inside the school grounds.

Additionally, a school suicide wouldn't direct as much attention as a public one. Sure, they'd find the body; therefore doing it at home or somewhere out in the wild would have seemed more appropriate. But these options had other disadvantages; and no one cared about Enmu enough to make a fuss over his death when they'd find the corpse. And Douma would know what happened to him, and that his passing had obviously been intentional.

When he thought about what it would be like, he was scared. No, not because of the pain. He didn't fear pain; he had grown to enjoy it. Plus, he knew that he deserved this pain. A painful death was the rightful fate for a lowly creature like him, who had broken the boundaries of what was right and wrong.

Enmu was scared for another reason. One he could not quite identify… But once he had finally reached the rooftop, he had suddenly not been as confident in his decision anymore.

It was an awfully large height. Four storeys were quite a lot. When he looked down over the railing, he felt shivers run down his spine. Could he really do this?

Enmu didn't understand why he was so scared. This was what he wanted, wasn't it?? The only way out of his misery, the only way to fix his mistakes. There was nothing else he could do.

When he had first arrived here before school, he had not been able to go through with it. It had scared him so much, and in the end, he had backed out, telling himself that he could do it during the break.

However, the break had gone the same way for him. He had just stood there, looking over the railing, and mentally pissing his pants. He just couldn't do it.

The second break had started the same. But when Enmu chickened out once again, he realized what the next period was going to be… the advanced geography course.

Douma was going to be there. Douma, the one who Enmu tried to avoid the most. What if he tried to talk to Enmu? What if he asked him about the way he felt?? Enmu doubted that honestly; especially because the other had been nowhere to be found the day before; but he knew for sure that the possibility of seeing Douma would tempt him to want to live again.

Another interaction with Douma was something that Enmu could not allow. It would ruin his whole plan, and his attempt to erase himself from Douma's life completely.

So, Enmu was forced to stay at the rooftop, even after the break was over, and continue with his attempts to jump. But his mind was still clouded with doubts and hesitance, and he still couldn't do it. He asked himself… How would Douma react? What if he… would be sad???

No!, Enmu mentally cursed himself. Why was he having such thoughts again!? They were stupid, naive and unrightful!! He was so unjustified to even let them in… which was another reason why he was here.

And he was so pathetic. Such a horribly incapable creature, that wasn't able to accept its own fate. That couldn't put through its own decisions, and that still longed to be someone else, that still longed for something that it could never have, and that still wanted to live.

Why couldn't he just act rationally and face the facts!? He always backed down from everything, like the pathetic coward that he was. He was so sick of it. He was so sick of ruining everyone's lives just because he was too scared to face himself and what he deserved. For once in life, Enmu wanted to do the right thing, to act with courage and not back down and solve the problems.

And so, he walked up to the railing another time.

He didn't look down this time, because he knew that the height would scare him again. This time was it, he had to do it now. And he knew he would. He just couldn't allow himself to get distracted by his doubts again…

Enmu slowly put one leg over the railing. At this very moment, he was sure that he was doing the right thing. But he had to do it quickly, before he could change his mind once more..

But the moment that Enmu's leg touched the other side of the railing, it was as if he fell into a trance. He suddenly forgot everything, and the huge distance that separated him from the ground didn't bother him anymore.

The whole situation seemed so surreal; but in a different way from when Douma had made love to him. Enmu felt like he was in a dream, or his mind was wrapped in cotton candy. All of his senses felt numb, only his eyes still saw clearly, but his brain couldn't process what he saw.

The more Enmu stared at the city below him, the more empty his brain became. And just like that, when he put his other leg over the railing and stood on its other side – the only thing separating him from his fall into the abyss being the tiny ledge of the rooftop – he didn't feel scared like before, he felt free.

The only thing he had to do was to let go of the railing, and take a step forward. That was the only thing that it would take for him to finally be free, and to make everything right. Knowing that felt… comforting.

The cold wind blew the hair out of Enmu's face. With each second, his thoughts became more and more calm and clear. And finally, he remembered his reason for being here.

He was doing the right thing. He was not only freeing himself, but also freeing the world of himself. Because he had made the worst mistake of his life. He was going to finally accept his fate, by taking a step into the light.

And just like that, Enmu finally let go of the railing. He spread out his arms, closed his eyes and took one step forward.

He was ready to go.

~

Enmu felt a sharp pain in his back.

However, it didn't hurt nearly as much as he'd expected it to hurt… Was he dead?

Wait. That didn't even make sense. He had been falling for less than a second, he couldn't have reached the ground already. It was…

He opened his eyes. And what he saw.. surprised him even more now. He was hanging in the air; apparently still on the level of the rooftop. How–

Then he understood.

Someone had caught him and prevented him from jumping. But why…??

‘Enmu!’

He gasped in shock.

He contorted his neck to see who the hell…

Enmu looked into the deep, kaleidoscopic orbs of Douma.

‘Enmu! Why aren't you listening to me goddammit!?’

Enmu's body went limp. He couldn't believe it. It was Douma.

His face was distorted in anguish, and so many emotions of which's existence Enmu hadn't been aware mirrored it. Even from the uncomfortable angle from which Enmu was looking at him, he could see the pure and utter panic in his eyes. It was too much to process.

‘What the hell were you even doing here!?’, his voice was angry yet scared like Enmu had never heard it before, filled with hysteria. ‘You were trying to kill yourself, weren't you!?’

Slowly, Enmu was starting to regain his composure, understanding the situation. Douma was trying to keep him from doing the only right thing, from executing his plan. How ironic. But Enmu was going to overcome that obstacle, there was no way of stopping him now.

‘Douma.’, he spoke quietly and calmly, reaching up to the other's arm to make him let go of his shirt. ‘You need to let me leave. It's better this way. I ruined my own life and yours too. I fell in love with you, and that was the biggest mistake of my life. The only way I can fix this is if I disappear completely, don't you agree?’

Douma just stared at him. As if not one of Enmu's words had gotten through to him, and he couldn't comprehend their absurdity.

‘What the hell are you even talking about!?’

He looked Enmu deep in the eyes, his own ones appearing almost psychotic. ‘Have you lost your mind!? You didn't ruin anyone's lives! Especially not mine. You make me complete, you give my life meaning! I wouldn't know how to live anymore if I lost you! And how the hell… do you think that DYING would solve anything!?’

Enmu didn't dare to look at him. Douma was mad at him, which was another reason why he had to disappear. He made him unhappy.

'I tainted your life, Douma. You were a god before you knew me. But once we had connected, I ruined you. You were forced to come down to my level, and my ugly existence dirtied the beauty of your soul. You became even more sinful because of me. I have to free you from me. Plus, I don't even deserve to live in the first place. A pathetic freak like me…’

Enmu was begging Douma to listen to him and finally let him go, because if he didn't do so fast enough, that could cause Enmu's momentary determination to reach its end, and he could chicken out again.

But luckily, Douma's grip on him was becoming less firm, and the fabric of his shirt probably wouldn't last long either.

He just wanted it to end quickly, because hearing Douma voicing his horror over Enmu's suicide attempt was driving him insane.

So, he reached upward to force Douma to let go of his shirt. ‘That's why you need to let me die.’

‘No!’, Douma screeched, not even a trace of his usual god-like exterior left. ‘I'm not letting you die! Not in one million years! I love you…’

And with a swift motion of his arms, he pulled Enmu back onto the ledge. The other desperately tried to free himself, fighting hard to make Douma loosen his grip just for one second; so he could finally pass in peace. But Douma was too strong. He had always been stronger than Enmu in any way, and so, he won. Like always. He leaned over the railing, grabbed Enmu by the waist and pulled him to the other side, head forward.

As much as Enmu knew this was wrong, the weak part in him instinctively clinged to Douma and let him pull him up. Because that part of him was scared, and that part of him still wanted to live.

Finally, Enmu's feet touched solid ground again, and with that, all of his senses suddenly came back to him. He realized that he was safe, with Douma. And the fact that… only seconds had separated him from death.

Before he knew it, he was tackled to the ground, being pressed into the cold concrete by Douma.

‘Enmu…!’, he was panting, and his eyes were still burning with painful emotion. ‘Don't you dare to do anything like that again, understood!?’

He sounded threatening, suddenly making Enmu feel more scared than he had been while trying to jump.

Enmu shook his head lightly, he couldn't… This whole situation was wrong. Douma had stopped him from killing himself, and now, Enmu was too weak to try it another time. Apparently, his fate was to suffer endlessly, not being allowed to fix his mistakes and face himself. But if that was what he deserved… then so was it. He'd just have to come up with a way to keep Douma out of this.

Only then, Enmu realized that the other was crying. He was crying tears of relief, fear, pain and grief; the unusual intensity of emotions overwhelming him completely. He sank to the ground as well, placing his head on Enmu's chest while sobbing uncontrollably.

Enmu was so numb. He was panicking, not knowing what to do since nothing about this situation was right. Douma wasn't supposed to feel such pain, he was a beautiful angel. But thanks to Enmu, he was. He was not supposed to be here.

Douma lifted his head to look into Enmu's dull face.

‘Why…’, he only managed to speak out, his voice monotonous and lifeless all of a sudden and his lips barely parting. ‘Why… did you try to kill yourself… without even telling me anything. How could you do this to me!?’

Seeing the pain in his eyes made Enmu want to die once again.

‘It's… you're suffering so much, which an angel like you never should.’, he explained, his own voice trembling suddenly. ‘And it's all… because of me. If I disappear, you won't have to suffer anymore.’

‘No!’, Douma grabbed Enmu's wrist tightly, his aggression returning momentarily. ‘You're so stupid, Enmu! Not you are making me suffer, the thought of losing you does! You make me happy! And I'll say that as many times as it's necessary for it to get through that thick skull of yours!’

He looked so determined, so scarily convinced. Enmu stood no chance against him. But his brain was programmed in a certain way, and it would do anything to convince Enmu of his own worthlessness.

‘You're lying, aren't you…?’, he gave Douma a sophisticated look. ‘You're lying just like when you said that you loved me, and that we would find true meaning together. Because by the laws of logic, someone like you could never love someone like me.’

Douma looked back, his eyes watery, wide and tired of this bullshit. ‘Who the hell told you this.’

‘No on–’

‘Then why the hell would you think such a stupid thing!? Everything that I've ever said to you was the truth! I'm so in love with you, Enmu! I will love you until the day I die. And I will do whatever it takes to make you happy!’

Enmu felt estranged. He had heard those words before, and they had already not fit into his worldview back then. But right now… He seemed to be falling deeper and deeper into the state of dreaming.

‘It's… not possible. Why would you stay with me after getting what you wanted? And after you did, you left me, as expected.’

Enmu's words made Douma look away, causing his convinced exterior to drop within a moment.

‘I'm so sorry, Enmu…’, he muttered out.

The other was still stuck in his unreality, unable to comprehend the meaning of those words. He wasn't allowed to hear them.

‘I'm so goddamn sorry, Enmu…’, Douma repeated and suddenly sat up, pulling Enmu with him. 'I acted so stupidly… You see, the morning after we… you know, my parents contacted me out of the blue, and forced me to partake in some dumb educational camp that went on until Monday. I wanted to wake you up, but it didn't work. And then in the camp – I barely had any time or opportunities and the internet was so horrible that I couldn't message you!’

Enmu was so incredibly confused. That was all so out of the blue, and he hadn't even barely thought about that, directly assuming that Douma had left him forever. But apparently… that had not been the case…?

However, the older male wasn't even finished. ‘Sure, that all sounds kinda like a good explanation. But that doesn't excuse the way I just… left you… after overwhelming you completely with everything the night before. I should have tried harder; at waking you up, and at finding an opportunity to contact you. Because you are so much more important than literally anything else in my life!’

Enmu wanted to protest so badly. It wasn't right that Douma was apologizing and hating himself like that, when it was obviously not his fault. He could sense that the person that he adored the most wasn't lying to him, and of course he wouldn't. Enmu still didn't understand how it was possible that Douma felt so much for him, but at least he understood something else now. How could he have been so vile and believed that Douma would lie to him??

‘Enmu, this is all my fault.’, Douma spoke up again, his gaze lowered. ‘The way you're feeling right now, and the fact that you felt the need to do it, it's all my doing. I not only left you behind with little to no explanation, but also completely overwhelmed you with sensory stimulation and then took advantage of your vulnerable state. You must see me as such an asshole… And I truly acted like one.’

The other just blinked. Douma was apologizing for things that needed no apology or that weren't even his fault. It felt not only wrong, but also incredibly absurd for Enmu to see his angel like that. However, it made him realize something completely offstandish… Douma was blaming himself for everything, and hating himself consequently. Just like Enmu was…

Realizing that sent the shock through his body like electricity. The only difference between them was that Douma was wrong about it all, while Enmu wasn't…

‘I've truly messed up so hard.’, Douma gently cupped Enmu's face with one hand, looking at him deeply, his colourful eyes filled with regret. ‘Not only am I the cause for all of your suffering, because I make you feel inferior and unworthy; but I am also completely ignorant towards it. You were here to kill yourself, for god's sake! You must be in so much pain right now. All those things you do to yourself are the only way to cope for you.’

Enmu couldn't quite understand. What was Douma getting at? He was right, sure, but he shouldn't be feeling concerned about that. Enmu was wrong for being so weak, for not being able to handle everything in better ways. He could see now that Douma didn't want him to die, even though it was the right thing. And now, Enmu felt ashamed for wanting to do something that would hurt his angel so deeply. And all because he saw no other way to fix his mistakes.

‘And I…’, Douma continued with pain in his voice and his gaze lowered. ‘I was so ignorant. Of course, I care about your feelings, but I never acted like that. I've never tried to actually help you to solve your problems, or cope with your pain. I just wanted you to love yourself, and to live. Because I needed you, Enmu. I need you so much, because loving you gives my life meaning. You are the only thing that matters to me in this world. And you made me feel things. So I took advantage of you, and used you to get everything I wanted. And when I saw you standing there, I was so scared, because I could lose that only thing that makes me feel good and happy. Oh gods, I'm so selfish…’

He looked at Enmu with so much guilt in his eyes, that it made his heart shatter into millions of pieces. Douma was being weighed down by his doubts, guilt and shame. It felt so awfully familiar to him, but so wrong to see Douma, a person that couldn't be more different from him, going through the same pains as him.

The voice in Enmu's head told him once again that this was all his fault, but the oddity of the situation caused his train of thoughts to stop. Oh, Douma… He looked so human all of a sudden, tears almost filling his eyes. It felt so wrong, but who was Enmu, really, to expect him to be an angel in its sense? He had already realized how wrong that was when Douma had told him what he truly thought about the world. Enmu wanted to project it all onto himself again, sinking into his hole of self-loathing. But the pain in Douma's eyes made him realize that that would only make the other suffer more. And Enmu cared about Douma, and didn't want him to suffer.

‘Douma…’, he hesitantly began, not knowing how to comfort someone, without being pathetic. ‘You are not selfish. You… wanted to feel. Like every other human being does. And you deserve to feel… good.’

His words were weak and vague, but for some reason, they still made Douma's eyes shine again. Only a bit, but still. Maybe Enmu could use his pathetic existence for something after all, if his words could make a greater and special person like Douma happy. Even if it was not supposed to be this way.

But the light in Douma's eyes was still weak, and Enmu knew that he still had to