It was a little too hard for me to say anything to Bucky as I sat on my mat and he went on chattering about his progress. I was happy for him, I really was, but the questions and knowledge eating at my brain made it hard to show that. I stared down at my lavender-hued hands folded in my lap, every now and then I would wring them, causing them to turn a pale yellow for a second before the lavender color returned.

"We haven't done the final test yet, which will be you reading the trigger words, but Shuri is 100 percent sure that I won't have a react-" Bucky stopped mid-sentence, he was looking at me now, his brow furrowed. "You alright?"

I glanced up at him, a weary smile pulled at my lips. His hopeful expression disappeared, turning to a look of deep concern. He took a few steps towards me before kneeling down and placing his right hand on top of my folded hands.

"What's eating you, doll?" He asked.

The icicle plunging through Lakovitch's throat flashed through my mind and my chest felt tight.

"Do you think it's a bit dark in here?" I stalled.

"Huh?"

"Let's go outside," I stood abruptly. 

This caught Bucky off guard and he almost fell backwards. Once he was standing I headed towards the door, reaching the doorway and feeling the wave of heat hit my face. I put my hand up in front of me, frost prickling at my fingers.

Bucky now stood next to me, looking down at me with a confused expression. "Ellie?"

"Were you ever scared of me?" I asked.

I turned my hand so that I was looking at my palm. The veins were bright blue, how they usually appear when I'm about to attack.

"Scared of you?" Bucky repeated. "Doll, why are you asking that?"

"In HYDRA, Bucky, were you ever scared of me?" I asked again.

"No, I-"

"I read my files," I interrupted, turning to face him. "I lost control, a lot, I had accidents, and over time I became someone else. Were you ever scared?"

"Snow Angel, that was a long time ago, you shouldn't worry about it."

He wasn't answering the question. He was avoiding it, and that was making me anxious. I began to walk towards the tree by the lake, Bucky trotted behind me to catch up. My chest felt tight again, my hands began to feel cold, I could hear the blood gurgling in Lakovitch's throat.

"Ellie, those files..." Bucky began. "You can't let them get to you."

"You recalled me torturing a target, what happened?" I turned to face him.

"I don't want to tell you," Bucky shook his head.

"Why not?"

"Because you're going to let it go to your head and it's never going to leave you."

"No, I want to know. I want to know so that it won't happen again," I pointed my hands towards myself. "I don't want to lose control again."

Bucky still wasn't answering my question and I turned back towards the tree and continued walking. The sun beating down on me seemed to be making no difference to the temperature of my cold skin. Am I mad? I feel frustrated.

Bucky caught up and was now walking next to me. The sound of the electrical rod had replaced Lakovitch's blood gurgling, each time I heard the electrical zap I felt a pain in my side. My heart was racing again, my chest was tight. Zap again. A patch of ice shot out from my foot as I took a step. Another panic attack was on it's way and I didn't know how to stop it. I walked faster, thinking I could somehow out run it. A child screamed with glee in the distance and the scream turned into my own in the electrical chair in Siberia. A shock wave surged through my body, the pain was unbearable. I closed my eyes and let out a pained cry, holding my hands to the side of my head. 

I stopped in my tracks, icicles shot up from the ground, vapor clouded from my mouth. My entire body felt colder than usual. My heart pounded against my chest, wanting to escape. My ears were ringing, my ribs felt like they were closing in on my lungs. Why was it so hard to breath? I looked down, my hands were shaking, the veins visible and bright blue. My throat tightened and I finally gasped for a breath. The wall put up in my mind began to fall. Frost prickled my now dark purple fingers. More white vapor clouded from my mouth. The wall is down.

That's when I realized Bucky was no longer standing next to me. I turned around with my hands still shaking in front of me. Bucky stood firm in his place, staring at me... He almost looked scared, his eyes wide, his left foot forward and his right fist clenched, he was defensive. No, he was on the offense. He was ready to stop me. Do whatever it takes to keep me from going rampant. 

"Ellie," Bucky began, his voice quiet and calming. It just like the first time I had ever heard him speak back in Austria. "Are you alright?"

"I-" my voice cracked.

I looked back down at my shaking hands. Tears stung at my eyes, a feeling in my gut appeared that I hadn't felt in years. Something that I hadn't felt this badly since HYDRA, my heart raced again and my breathing hitched, losing a pattern. Don't lose control, don't lose control, don't...

"James, I'm scared."

I looked back up, Bucky's expression had changed... he looked heartbroken, realizing the pain I was in and the severity of it when I used his first name. He took a step forward and I backed away.

"Please don't," I pleaded. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not going to hurt me," he continued in his cautionary steps towards me, holding his right hand out in front of him.

Bucky stepped over the wall of icicles that surrounded me and there was now only two feet in between us, I held my breath, scared that any sort of movement from me would kill him. An icicle could stab him and that's it, he's gone. Bucky reached towards my shaking hands and I jerked them back, wrapping my arms around my own waist.

"Are you trying to get frostbite?" I asked, vapor leaving my mouth as I spoke.

"Frostbite as in you, or frostbite as in the injury?" Bucky replied.

He was somehow keeping a light and humorous composure. It was almost reassuring to me, but also irritating that he didn't care if I hurt him.

"Please get away from me, I don't want to hurt you," I took a step back. "James, I don't know what's happening to me."

"You're doubting yourself, and that's causing you to panic," he explained, taking another step towards me.

"Stop! Stop coming near me!" I shouted.

"No, I love you."

I went stiff at his words. The timing, the goddamn timing. None of us had ever said those words to each other. I suppose we both knew it, but we never said the words "I love you."

"James," I began but trailed off.

"Eleanor," Bucky returned, mimicking my tone. When I didn't reply, he continued. "Listen to me, we're going back to my hut, I'm getting Shuri, and we're going to figure this out."

I looked down at the frost that surrounded my feet, then at the icicles that surrounded the two of us.

"I can't," I looked back at Bucky.

"Yes you can, you just gotta trust yourself."

"Well, that's really hard to do right now," I replied.

"I know it is, doll, but you gotta do this," Bucky held his hand out again. I shook my head, leaning away from his hand. "Take my hand, Snow Angel, it's okay."

I slowly reached out with my left, my hand still shaking and lavender colored. I took a deep breath and my hand rested on top of his. My cold hand contrasted sharply with the warmth of his, but nothing was happening. I glanced up at Bucky for reassurance and he nodded, showing that he was okay.

"See? I'm okay," he began stepping back and over the wall of icicles, pulling me with him.

As I walked, a trail of frost was left behind me. Bucky glanced behind him to make sure that he wasn't about to run into anyone and to make sure that he was heading towards his hut. He looked back at me, gave me a reassuring smile, and we reentered his hut. Bucky let go of my hand and my heart sunk to my stomach when I saw the blister that began to form.

"James!" I shouted.

"It's fine, I had to get you out of there somehow, I'm okay," Bucky pressed his hand to the fabric that hung over his shoulder.

"No, I told you... I told you not to touch me." My voice cracked, tears threatening to pour down my face uncontrollably, like everything that was happening in my life at the moment. This was a whole mess that I started.

"Where's your phone? I'm calling Shuri." Bucky looked at my mat.

"On my pillow," I pointed.

Bucky picked it up, his face barely grimacing from the pain on his hand and my shoulders began to shake. Bucky stared at the phone or a moment, and I realized that he had no idea how to use a smart phone.

"How do I..." He looked at me and I laughed pitifully through my tears and held out my hand.

He gave it to me and I quickly unlocked it, went to my contacts, clicked on Shuri's name and pressed call. Already a layer of frost was on the phone. Bucky grabbed a cloth from his mat and put it on his hand before taking the phone back and hesitantly holding it to his ear, unsure if he was using it right.

"Hey, Shuri, it's Bucky," he spoke. "I need you at my hut right away, Ellie needs help." There was a bit of silence as Shuri spoke on the other end of the line. "I don't know, she... Yeah, I'm okay. Just get here soon, please, I'm worried about her." More silence and I moved to my mat, sitting myself down and as my bottom hit the ground, a circle of frost spread out from under me. "Oh, and could you bring a bowl of warm water and gauze?" Bucky glanced at me and a pang of guilt hit my chest. "Don't ask, just get over here... See you soon." 

He took the phone away from his ear and stared at the screen, not knowing what to do next.

"If the screen is red she hung up," I said, my voice only coming out as a whimper.

"She hung up," Bucky looked at me and put my phone on the chair.

He walked over to the gramophone and placed the needle down on the current vinyl disc, there was a crackle, and Dream a Little Dream of Me began to play. Bucky came to my side, picked up one of my blankets and wrapped it around me. Then he sat himself down and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me towards him until my head was resting on his chest. My entire body was now shaking, almost like I was shivering, which has never happened before, not even as a child.

"I feel like I'm eight again, not knowing what the hell is going on," I said.

"Well, at least it's not 1930," Bucky replied. "We also have one of the smartest people in the world here with perhaps the most advanced technology." My shoulders began to shake and warm tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Bucky, I'm sorry."

"Snow Angel," Bucky rubbed his hand up and down my arm, and I didn't think that felt too good on his blisters. "Why are you sorry?"

"You don't deserve this, you're already going through so much," I sobbed.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay," Bucky reassured me. "You've helped me so much, you have no idea, doll. I'm just returning the favor."

Outside the hut the sound of a jet landing came to our ears. Bucky glanced at the door and began to stand up. I reached up, and grabbed his wrist before he had completely left my side and he looked back down at me.

"Please don't leave," I whispered. Bucky nodded and kneeled back down, staying by my side.

Shuri pushed the red curtain to the side and marched into the hut, her eyes searched around for a bit before finding us on the ground. The tears on my face, the patch of frost, and the panicked look in my eyes said it all.

"What happened?" Shuri asked, looking at Bucky for an answer.

"PTSD, panic attack, the wall is down," I answered.

"Wall? What wall?" Shuri shook her head, not understanding what I had meant.

"The wall I put up in my brain to keep my powers at bay. It's down and now I'm a threat to everyone," I explained.

"You're not a threat-" Bucky began.

"Show her your hand and tell her I'm not a threat," I looked at him.

"Ellie, that was my fault-"

"No, it's mine," I shook my head.

"Is that why you needed warm water?" Shuri asked and Bucky nodded.

Shuri ran out of the hut and returned with a roll of gauze, a water bottle, and an empty bowl. She sat down in front of me and Bucky, set down the bowl and began pouring what I assumed was warm water from the bottle. Bucky placed his frostbitten hand into the warm water and let it sit. He let out a quiet sigh of relief that he meant for me not to hear, but I'm sitting right next to him, I heard that sigh loud and clear.

"Explain the wall, Ellie," Shuri said.

"Um, so this ice thing came around when I was a child, I had no idea how to control it and it was scary," I explained. "Over time, my parents and I found that the best way to contain it was to keep me inside and wear gloves-"

"Just like Frozen, come on, you can't deny that," Shuri pointed out.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," I chuckled lightly.

"Sorry, go on," Shuri nodded.

"I never really took control over my powers until 1941, a year after I was recruited into the army," I went on. "Dr. Erskine helped me keep the powers at bay by putting up a mental wall. I guess that kept me uptight my entire life. I've never felt truly relaxed or at peace, and I thought that I knew the full extent of my powers, but I'm wrong." I glanced at Bucky as he concentrated on tending his hand. "Bucky, this is where you tell me what I can do. When I was a Winter Soldier all that control I had disappeared."

Bucky breathed in, glanced at me, then back at his hand. "You can do that icicle thing, where you make the icicles shoot out in a different location. You can make it snow or cause a blizzard, you'd use that to disorient targets and I'd kill them while they were caught off guard. I've seen you freeze an entire warehouse with people inside. I've seen you... Freeze a man's head and smash it against a wall."

Oh, God," I closed my eyes and hung my head.

"Do you want me to stop?" Bucky looked at me.

"Mhm," I nodded.

"Why is the wall down?" Shuri asked.

"All that I can remember from HYDRA is being a terrible assassin, then last week I read the notes on me in the Red Book, the part about me being dangerous," I answered. "I wanted to know more, so when I went back to the compound, I read my files and found surveillance footage from an accident that I caused."

"Which one?" Bucky asked, lifting his hand from the warm water.

"Lakovitch," I replied.

"Jesus Christ..." He muttered under his breath. "That was one of your worst ones."

I threw my head back and groaned. Waves of guilt washed over me with the memory of that footage. I grimaced and opened my eyes again, Shuri was now wrapping the gauze around Bucky's frostbitten hand.

"Goddammit. Bucky, that's your one hand and I just crippled it." I propped my elbow onto my knee and rested my forehead on my palm.

"It's not your fault," Bucky leaned down and kissed the top of my head. The gesture was comforting enough to make me smile thinly.

"So, seeing yourself lose control caused you to become scared of your powers?" Shuri asked. "And that fear caused you to become distracted, and the wall went down."

"Yeah, exactly," I nodded. "Gosh, you're smart."

"No, I've just seen Frozen," Shuri joked. "I'm surprised that the true love between you two hasn't fixed it." Bucky gave her a confused look and she began to laugh.

"Shuri, my life isn't a Disney movie."

"Start singing, let's see what happens-" Shuri began.

"Shuri, please! I just want you to help me!" I exclaimed. Shuri's joking demeanor disappeared. "Do something, anything! Take away my powers for fuck's sake, I don't care! I don't think I can take this any longer. It's exhausting, and I'm tired, and I... I just want this to end!" Tears began welling up in my eyes again, my chest felt tight, vapor clouded, and I pulled the blanket tighter around me.

Bucky wrapped his arm around me and pressed his lips to the side of my head, holding me tight against him. My shoulders began to shake, I let out a whimper and lowered my head so that neither Bucky or Shuri could see my face.

"I hate seeing you in so much pain, I'm going to do my best to get you out of this, I promise," Bucky whispered, kissing the side of my head again, then turned his head to look at Shuri. "Alright, what's your plan?"

"Ellie, you treat your powers like they're a disease that you have to fight off, but really, it's a part of you that you haven't accepted," Shuri said and I slowly looked up.

"What?" I squinted my eyes.

"You need to accept the ice, not hold it back," Shuri reexplained.

"She's saying that letting the wall down may be a good thing," Bucky added.

"So far it has been a bad thing," I said.

"Because you're still holding it back, you're scared of it," Bucky returned.

"It can smell your fear, it's taking advantage of that," Shuri added.

"I am scared," I stated.

"We know, but now you're going to overcome that fear and make the ice your friend, not a burden that is useful to you," Shuri explained.

"It took me two years to get this under control," I held my hands out in front of me. "It took constant work everyday with Dr. Erskine. I'm only here on weekends, there's no way-"

"Ellie, it is the 21st century, you're talking to the head of the Scientific Research and Communications Division," Shuri interrupted. "If we're lucky, we may get this done by tomorrow. It'll also give us a head start with wiping your trigger words." 

I looked down, fiddling with my fingers and feeling doubtful. All I want is peace. Some relief from the stress that I put on myself to make sure that I don't freeze the entire earth and everyone on it. This was also the best chance I had to be able to gain complete control over this thing in me, Shuri was right about what she had said, I just had to make the next decision.

"How soon can we start, because I feel like if I wait any longer, you two may become popsicles," I looked back at Shuri and she grinned.

"We can start right now, Ice Queen."

~

After two hours of meditation with Shuri my body temperature had returned to its cool state, the deep purple color in my fingers disappeared and my heart rate was finally steady. White vapor was still clouding from my mouth as I breathed and spoke, frost was still following me everywhere I went, and Bucky's hand was still wrapped with gauze. 

It was all matter of focusing on different aspects of my abilities and accepting them separately, it was like I was going on a walk through my brain and telling the ice to calm down.

"Alright, let's figure out what the frost is doing," Shuri said. 

"It's being annoying."

I looked behind me from where I stood at the trail of frost that began at the entrance of Bucky's hut.

"Why is it doing that?" Shuri asked.

I closed my eyes, thinking of times that the frost was under my control and why I needed it to follow me. Nothing was in my memory, but I'm sure I had done it before.

"Bucky," I began, my eyes still closed.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever seen that happen before? The frost trail?" I asked. "During any mission or anything?"

There was a bit of silence, I could only assume that Bucky was staring at the trail of frost, trying to remember an event in which this happened. I heard some movement in the grass, perhaps he was shifting his feet, or he was walking towards me, or it wasn't even