Unlike chickens, cows are very hard to maintain, are not very mobile, and are loud as hell, which are three of the things you absolutely don't want to have during the apocalypse.

Sure, you can band with other survivors to make your own safe enclave, thus making the need to be a roaming survivor moot, as there is safety in numbers. But that would mean sharing your oregano, and who wants that? The life of an apocalyptic chef is a lonely one.

Thus, the only way to get milk is to infiltrate an enclave in the dead of night and steal some of their milk. I would recomend distracting them by using some molotov cocktails, but you do you, boo.

Once you have obtained a bucket of their finest milk...what then?

Well, you can drink it straight like a baby, or a maniac, or you can turn it into something more delicious.

You see, milk, be it from cows, goats, buffaloes, or any other mammal like the platypi, has a unique composition in fats and proteins that make it almost as versatile as eggs or potatoes. I could bore you with the details of the percentages of fat and proteins in milk, and I will! Because fat in milk is super important.

Raw milk, that is, milk straight from the cow, have a fat content of 4% which is pretty low. When we heat the milk to pasteurize it, it looses some fat, so it becomes whole milk. Pasteurization is the process in which a product is heated beyond the danger zone for 15 seconds to kill any bacteria. For milk, that point is 73°C/165°F, because anymore and we will be cooking the milk. You can do this at home if you get a hold of raw milk!

Whole milk, which is pasteurized milk, has a fat richness of 3.25%, which is just a very small loss of fat compared to raw milk.

2% milk, which has some of the fat skimmed down to half.

1% milk, which has only a quarter of fat.

Skim-milk, the depressed, fatless milk. This one is sad. Give it a Burger.

Usually, when you want to transform milk beyond milk, a milk evolution if you will, you will need a milk with high enough content of proteins to alter the bonds of milk. Raw is usually the best, but whole milk or 2% will work on a pinch.

For you see, milk can be shaped and changed to your will, if you know what you're doing. Which, as of now, you will. You're welcome.

RAW MILK

Fresh and natural milk (raw milk) after being milked suffers several food processes such as homogenization (distribution of fats throughout all the product equally, avoiding unpleasant fat clots) and pasteurization (responsible for reducing potentially dangerous bacteria).

For milks treated in this way, there are a series of non-fermented byproducts, which are:

Milk cream or cream (not to be confused with the cream that is formed when we boil milk), is a portion of milk with a high fat content; its high concentration is due to the gravimetric separation that takes place when the milk is left to rest, as fat floats while the rest sinks, until it reaches a 20% concentration of fats. In the milk there is a balance of 50% fat and protein, while in cream the ratio is 1 to 1. In some Eastern European countries a whipped cream treat from the water buffalo's milk called Kaymak.

Milk concentrates: within this category are milk powder (lyophilized), condensed milk (milk from which water has been removed and added a large amount of sugar) and evaporated milk (invented by Nicholas Appert in the year 1795). All of these milk byproducts have been treated with the aim of increasing its conservation period and being able to be stored for long periods of time.

BUTTER

Butter is the emulsion of fat, water and milk solids, obtained as a result of the shaking, kneading and flushing of the conglomerates of fatty globules, which are formed by the churning of cream or milk cream, kinda like how mayonnaise is made. Butter is a basic product that cannot be ignored in any kitchen, least of all an apocalyptic one.

Butter making is simple but laborious: a cream (with 36-44% fat) is whipped until fat globules break and lose their globular structure. Basically, we punch cream solid. If that's not metal enough for you, nothing is.

Buttermilk is the leftover aqueous part of butter making. It differs slightly in composition from raw milk, containing large amounts of lactic acid and water. The characteristic flavor of Buttermilk comes mainly from the lactic acid present in it.

ICECREAM

It is another dairy product that in its simplest form, ice cream or frozen cream, is a frozen food made from water, milk, cream or custard combined with flavorings, sweeteners or sugar. Currently, it add other ingredients such as egg yolks, fruit, chocolate, cookies, nuts, yogurt and stabilizing substances. Can be sweetened with sugar, honey or sweeteners. It is a complete food that provides many nutrients and vitamins. Consumed in moderation it is a good snack, dessert or snack for anyone who follows a healthy and balanced diet. Consumed without moderation, and you are clinically depressed.

CHEESE

Cheese is a solid food made from fermented milk and cow, goat, sheep, buffalo, camel or other mammal. Is perhaps the oldest dairy in the history of human consumption, besides milk, and loosing in a video games. Milk is induced to curdle using a combination of rennet (or some substitute) and acidification. Bacteria are responsible for acidifying milk also play an important role in defining the texture and flavor of most cheeses. Cheese is a solid that provides mainly protein (casein).

The protein concentrations in cheese can be 10 times higher than those of raw milk.

In Middle Eastern kitchens, mixtures of cheese and yogurt are used in the making of sandwiches and toasts like the Labneh.

YOGURT

The icky-bitty part of milk. It is a dairy product obtained through bacterial fermentation of the milk. Yoğurt is the Turkish term for "milk" that has been fermented until a final form of semi-liquid mass has formed. Although any type of milk can be used, current production uses predominantly cow's milk.

Fermentation of lactose (the sugar in milk) in lactic acid is what gives yogurt its distinctive texture and flavor. Often, chocolate, fruit, vanilla and other flavorings are added to quell the rancid taste of yogurt.

Hygiene and Conservation

Dairy products have different degrees, capacities and needs of conservation. Conservation capacity affects equally in the case of dairy to the quality and safety of the same. It can be said that, with the except for cheese and powdered milk, designed to be stored for long periods, almost all of them are perishable food products they must be kept strictly cold. Hence the need of stealing some cow milk.

Conservation period in fridges:

Fresh Milk – 72 hours
Yogurt– 21 days
Cheese – 15 days
Cream cheese – 21 days
Mozzarella– 30 days
Butter – 30 dias

As you can see, milk has a lot of uses and applications we can make at home. You can even customize your products as you like!

Enough chatter — time for the taste test!

MOZARELLA CHEESE

4

Cups Whole Milk

1/3 Cup White Vinegar or Lemon Juice

1. Place the milk in a pan. Heat up on low heat until it reaches 85°C/185°F, or, if you don't have a thermometer, as the irresponsible apocalyptic chef you are, you can ballpark it when the milk starts to evaporate, without bubbling.

2. Add the vinegar or lemon juice, and stir in slowly for 5 minutes. You will see clumps of white things form on the milk. Those are the curds. We want those. Try to no break them. The rest of the milk will start to become yellow and translucent. Turn off the heat and let it rest for 15 minutes to let the milk curd even further.

3. Grab a colander and line it with either a cheese cloth or a kitchen cloth, something airy, and put it on top of a bowl.

4. Ladle or pour the curds from the bowl and into the colander, making sure to add salt or herbs at this point if you want. Grab the corners of the cloth and make a small pouch which you can use to squeeze out the liquid from the curds. This liquid is called a whey, and we will need it. Don't toss it out!

5. Let the curds drain for 1 to 2 hours. We want it as dry as possible. Squeeze it real hard.

6. After no more whey is leaking out, we are going to take that whey we drained and heat it up in a pan. Don't let it boil. We just need it warm enough to heat the ball of curds.

7. Make the curds into a solid ball. After you do it, place it inside the warm whey. You will see that the curd ball will become soft and delicious, because it is effectively melting, but nor hot enough for it to get destroyed. Grab the ball and stretch it, fold it, and again, and again 6 more times. This will create the stringy texture mozzarella is known for.

8. Divide the cheese into two or three pieces and wrap each piece tightly in plastic wrap, twisting the ends of the plastic wrap to help the cheese form a round shape. Place the cheese in an ice bath, if desired, to help hold its shape.

9. Done! Eat it then, or keep it the fridge for up to 2 weeks!

Cream

3/4 Cups Whole or 2% Milk

1/3 Cup Butter

1. Heat up the butter in a pan until melted.

2. Add 1 tablespoon of the hot, melted butter into the milk. We do this to temper the milk, meaning, adding some heat to warm it up, because adding the whole thing would mean the milk would instantly cook, and we don't want that.

3. Add the milk to the pan where the melted butter is and stir continuously until the milk starts to steam.

4. Immediately transfer to a blender or food processor and blend together until thicc. You might remember this technique from making mayonnaise, as both are emulsifications.

5. Done! You now have cream!

BUTTER

2 cups Cream

Salt to taste.

1. Whip the cream heavily for 15 minutes. Won't work on a blender or food processor. Has to be made by hand, with an electric wisk, or a stand mixer.

2. You will see chunks begging to separate from the cream. This is the milk fat, meaning, butter! Spoon it out of the liquid and into a recipient. Add salt, and herbs, if you prefer(coriander seeds are delicious here) and pat down to compact it.

3. Done! You have a butter!

CONDENSED MILK

1/2 Cup Milk Powder

1 Cup Sugar

1/2 Cup Hot Water

1/4 Cup Soft Butter.

1. Add both sugar and milk powder in a blender.

2. Mix the boiling water and the butter until it melts.

3. Start the blender and slowly add the water with the butter, in a continuous stream. You will see the mixture begin to thicken.

4. Done! You now have condensed milk.

EVAPORATED MILK

2 cups Water

1 cup Powder Milk

2 tablespoons of Butter.

1. In a pan at low heat, add all the ingredients. Mix until everything is integrated.

2. Remove from heat and let it cool down until it steams.

3. Put into a blow and whip hard until everything fuses together.

4. Done!

SOUR CREAM

1 Cup of cold Cream

2 tablespoons Lemon Juice

1 tablespoon Vinegar

Salt to taste.

1. Combine cold cream, lemon, and vinegar in a bowl. Whisk it until it becomes a fluffy mass.

2. Add salt.

3. Done. Chug it like a champ!

And that's everything we have on milk. These are trying times, so make yourself a snack! You've earned it! And if you're lactose intolerant...too bad.