[ this is?? the fastest i've finished a fanfiction based au?? and also this is the happiest i've been with one since all i wrote was fanfic

warnings: language. vague ptsd. mentions of worsening depression and anxiety. mentions of prostitution.

stay safe,
lew. ]

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True to his word, when Lewis is reunited with his mom, he doesn't let go of her for hours, clinging desperately to her for comfort. It doesn't help.

Even thought it's been a few days, he still feels Logan's blood on his hands.

He has nightmares, ones about Ruby and Logan finding him and getting revenge on him for pretty much causing their deaths. Sometimes it's Z, the girl who was so nice to him during the parade, choking on her own blood and reaching out towards him.

Most nights, he wakes up screaming. He'll go crawl into bed with his mom, hoping and praying that they'll stop.

They never do.

The other former victors are sympathetic, even though he knows they've got to be hearing him and cutting their own trauma wide open. The houses are nice here in the Victor's Village, but they're pretty close together.

He wishes he could still say that he has the boy he loves, but that ends for him as soon as he talks to Sam again.

Sam's first question isn't 'are you okay?'.

It's 'what happened right before you won?'.

Lewis learns that the Capitol censored the kiss, as small as it was. They censored some of Lewis sobbing, clutching Logan's hand close. They censored out some of Lewis' pain, him trying to staunch the bleeding, and suddenly...

Lewis can smell the blood again.

The harsh, metallic scent forces itself into his nostrils and sends him curling up on the floor with his hands over his mouth and nose. He's so obviously in need of something, and all Sam can think to do is throw a blanket on him.

But Sam isn't thinking clearly either. He just found out that the guy he likes kissed someone else. He focuses on that fact, ignoring that the guy he kissed was dying and it wasn't meant to be anything.

Luckily, Lewis' mother comes upstairs to check on him and gets him to calm down. She sends Sam home, then pulls Lewis into her lap and rocks him back and forth just like she always would when he was younger.

He only leaves the house when he's forced to for almost six months. Then, it's time to prepare for the Victory Tour.

He's so anxious that he stutters his way through speeches for the first few districts. It's so impersonal, but it still cuts deep into his heart.

The one that first brings him to tears is District Five. He sees the face of a kind girl, one who shouldn't have been in that arena.

He goes off script just a bit in that speech, facing Z's family as he does so. "Z was so nice the one time we talked. It was— Before the tribute parade, our mentors were talking, and... she gave me a hug before I left to find my place. It made me homesick, because she reminded me so much of my best friend from home."

District Two is the hardest.

Given that he spent the entire time with these tributes, of course it's going to be the most impactful.

Logan's projection has that smile that Lewis grew to like so much, and Ruby's looks happy. The fact they chose such cheerful versions makes Lewis sick, but still, he deals.

Logan's parents stand in front of the projection. They remain somewhat distant. The part that makes Lewis' heart pound is that the man looks so fucking similar to his son. It's nearly impossible to breathe right now, but he closes his eyes for a moment.

He does the prepared speech like always, but when he gets to the end, he grips the podium tightly and begins to run his dumb fucking mouth.

"Logan felt like a best friend. I wanted him to win so badly, that in his last few moments, I offered to kill myself so he could come home to you. I don't know exactly where they started censoring, but I can assure you that I held his hand the entire time. He wasn't alone when the cannon sounded."

"Ruby made Logan so happy, and it wasn't fair that they both had to die. I just hope that they're together and happy, in whatever afterlife they're in."

The Capitol visit leaves him reeling the entire time.

There's so many people congratulating him, so many grabbing at him and pulling on him that he drops his glass due to the shaking of his hands. He wants his mom so badly, but he settles for crying on his mentor's shoulder.

He's just turned seventeen, and he can't stop sobbing like a damn child. It doesn't help that he was pulled aside by one of the male victors in District Four, warned about a fate he might have to deal with next year.

Just the thought of being used like that by Capitol citizens makes him want to throw up.

Finally, though, he returns to his own district, where they've prepared for a feast. It's over the top, but it means that his family and friends and everyone he's ever known gets to eat until they're full.

On more than one occasion, a small child will run up to him and hug his leg. "Thank you so much, Mr Lewis!" One of them says, and it's all he can do to ruffle their hair and say a soft 'you're welcome'.

He doesn't deserve any of this. All he did was stand there while everyone else killed each other. Logan should've won, or even that boy from Four.

And yet, just a few short months later...

"Welcome to the 73rd Hunger Games."

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[ this wasn't my best but here you go it's the end wow ]