[ my friend and her boyfriend just left and i'm alone again ew // song is by i don't know how but they found me

warnings: uhh language, a character crying??

some bits of this are taken from the 'camisado || notebooks' part of book three. idk where this idea came from but emotions

stay safe,
lew. ]

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The first time Lewis really opens up to Logan caused a fuckton of tears.

It's a year or so into their friendship, and they're at Lewis' house working on ideas for merch and their setlists when the older boy pulls a notebook from the shelf. It's tattered and waterstained along the edges, stickers and doodles covering the covers.

"You gotta promise me you'll take this seriously," Lewis mumbles, sitting back down cross-legged beside Logan.

"You know I will, Lewis. Don't worry," Logan replies gently, offering a small smile.

His hands tremble slightly as he finds the page, scanning over the words scribbled so angrily that the black pen cut through the paper in places. His voice shakes as he offers out the book. "This isn't music related, but since, uh, I need to open up about stuff more, an' I trust you... yeah."

He looks away, like he can't bear to watch as Logan takes the book. It's so personal, so much hurt and sadness and anxiety packaged into words from years ago, scrawled in a shaky teenage handwriting.

Certain phrases and paragraphs are stuck to the inside of his eyelids when he blinks, and it's so fucking easy to get sucked back into the past and what was going on.

i'm gonna walk over 2 the apartments and see if anyone will give me a cigarette. that sounds like a shitty idea but it's better that what else i'm thinking.

The day his dad died. So many things were swirling around his mind, and the only one that didn't seem like a life-ruining thing was getting hooked on nicotine.

His other ideas that night had included jumping into the Guyandotte River, wandering around outside of Cabell-Huntington Hospital in the shitty part of town, and laying in the middle of the road.

mom should be gone that night. she's been disappearing and it's scaring the hell out of me. i just hope she's not doing anything stupid. i don't wanna lose her too.

Back when he thought his mom was doing idiotic things like transporting drugs or selling herself. Now, he knows that it was nothing like that. She was simply returning to her normal life for a few hours or days, before coming home to two teenage boys, one of which wasn't even her kid.

i can't believe i was that fucking stupid. but i wanted to make him happy and i didn't have the guts to tell him no.

So many red flags he ignored, signs that being fourteen in a crowd of college kids was a stupid fucking idea. He should've known that getting involved with a guy eight years older was a shitty idea, but he felt accepted and loved.

martin and aubrey and isaiah keep on conning me into trying shit and i keep on going with them. i don't like the person i'm turning in to.

mom apparently cried last night. over me. i hate that i'm making her upset because deep down i still wanna be her favorite but forgetting everything seems like a better option right now.

Forgetting things didn't work for long. Memories still resurface, of things and events he'd much rather forget than have to deal with ever again.

and— today i met a guy.

he's really something else. smoked with me for a while and then proceeded to tell me that it was disgusting and he wanted an excuse to talk to me.

i hope he sticks around. he's the first person to treat me like a person here.

Finally, though, Lewis looks up to gauge Logan's reaction to the words. A concerned frown melts into a fond smile, one that only grows as he reads the last section.

this fucking boy is trying to kill me ohmygods.

i grew a buttercup and then a star of bethlehem flower and tried to give him the star, but he tucked it behind my ear and smiled at me and that's the most positive affection a guy's given me since i moved here.

logan's really important to me. i'm scared, he came into my life really fast like a comet and now it's a waiting game to see if he fades like one too.

Logan shuts the notebook and sets it aside, reaching out to take Lewis' delicate hands into his. "I'm not gonna abandon you, Lew. Or take advantage of you. Or let you get hurt. You don't have to worry."

Lewis somehow doesn't notice the tears streaming down his face until Logan grabs a tissue for him. After he wipes his eyes, he practically launches himself at his best friend for a hug, taking the other boy by surprise and knocking him flat on his back.

His voice is soft and still teary as he mumbles, "I love you, dude. You're the best friend I've ever had, even better than Chloe."

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[ idk that was shit but i hope you enjoyed ]