[ i'm sad and i miss my old friend even tho i know i shouldn't and like,,, tonight makes a week since we stopped talking and it kinda breaks my heart a lil bit lmao i hate emotions // song is by lil phag

warnings: probably just language tbh
lewis' point of view

stay safe,
lew. ]

———————

It's so easy to get lost in memories, especially when you have as many pictures hanging everywhere as I do.

I can't even leave my house without being reminded of the things that hurt the most. In most of the pictures, he's smiling, looking so happy that it's hard to equate him with the guy he was in the last month or so of our relationship.

Most mornings, I'll get a cup of coffee and look at the walls, fixate on a different photo and remember why I loved him so much.

To be honest, I still love him. It's not just something you can shut off when your relationship ends like ours did. I still loved him, but I needed to put myself first and preemptively get out of there before I got hooked again.

This particular morning, I drag a barstool from the kitchen island out into the entryway, just so I'm not sitting on the floor again. Last time, my mom almost pinned me with the door.

The picture of choice at the moment is one of the two of us, one that never got posted or published or anything. It's from when we were just friends, the first half of touring for the first album. We're sitting on the couch in a dressing room before a show, and I'm asleep against his shoulder. I don't remember anything about that other than I'd had a horrible night and didn't sleep well.

It's only been a couple weeks since the split. I've barely left my house, I hardly answer the phone, and I cry over the stupidest things. I know it's pathetic, that after the things he said I still miss him, but he was my best friend before the relationship, and I thought we'd always have each other.

A knock on the door startles me out of that daydream state I always fall into. Luckily, I'm right here, so I just open it and go back to staring.

It's my mom, like always, but there's another set of footsteps that aren't familiar. Oh well, it's not really my problem. If it's someone my mom brings, I don't have to worry about it.

Mom and the other person have a few bags from the grocery store that they walk by with before Mom's coming back for a hug. I gratefully fall into her arms, and she pecks my forehead.

"Maybe we should take these down, buttercup," she starts tentatively, but she knows I can't. I won't.

Just the thought of removing years of memories makes the tears well up in my eyes again. I know I'm weak and pathetic. It's no wonder he only dated me out of pity.

Mom shushes me, pulls me tighter against her. When she loosens her grip to look me in the eyes, I can't help but note that she looks sad too. All the things she's witnessed, and she's hurt over this too.

"We don't have to do anything you aren't ready for, sweet pea. I brought over someone I'd like you to at least hang out with for a while. Being alone all the time isn't good for you."

"Mama. I still have friends. Jon and Spencer don't have anything against me," I argue weakly. It's true, I just haven't talked to them since I said I was leaving the band. Jon decided to quit too, and Spencer stayed. I don't blame him. If I knew I could've been that close to him without making stupid decisions, I would've stayed too.

"Give her a chance. Daisy's a sweetheart, baby. Maybe she'll get your mind off things."

But I don't want to get my mind off things. I want to sit there and wallow in self pity because I lost so many important things at once.

My best friend, the guy I thought I was in love with, and the band that made me happier than anything else. All gone with a few short sentences. And it's all my fault.

If I could've just overlooked some things, I could still be falling asleep in his arms. If I stopped thinking about myself all the time, I could still be laughing with him while we do something stupid. And if I could've just shoved my feelings down and not acknowledged the fact I wanted to date him, I could still be making music with my friends.

But I fucked it all up.