i could make you happy,
make your dreams come true,
nothing that i wouldn't d o . . .

🌊🌊🌊

Just under two weeks until Christmas, I was working my Sunday morning shift at the diner when I got a text from Brody asking if I could come over when I was done. Of course I said yes, because I had nothing else planned for the day and with winter break so close, I stopped caring about school.

It was a busy day, as Sunday's usually are, so that helped make the time go by faster. Once it got near noon and the customers were withering away, I was absolutely restless. Sitting at a stool and tapping my nails on the countertop made that clear to anyone around me.

"Could you be more obsessed with looking at the clock?" Robyn's voice came from behind me. I whirled around to see her briskly passing by me, a tray full of food balancing on her shoulder and a smirk on her face.

I gave her a sheepish grin and she shook her head, laughing to herself as she delivered her order to a table.

"Lena," my mom snapped from somewhere. Spinning around again to find her in the kitchen, she was sending me daggers. "Can you clean booths seven and eight, please?"

"On it," I called back as I sprung up and ran over to said booths.

Fourteen minutes. I can do this.

A dozen plates, forks, knives, and cups were piled in my arms as I carried them back to the kitchen, placing them in the sink and making that trip four times. I wiped down the tables and the booths until they were sparkling clean, swept underneath the tables, put more napkins in the dispenser, and positioned the salt and pepper shakers just so. Fortunately for me, cleaning helps pass the time almost as well as constantly serving hungry people. By the time I was done, it was a minute and half until 12 o'clock.

The very last customers left and I was more than eager to flip the open sign over to closed. My parents were pretty oblivious as to why I wanted to leave work so desperately, but Robyn saw right through me. Her knowing, godmother-ly smirk said it all.

"Have fun with your boy. I'll see you next weekend," she winked at me, her voice low for just me to hear.

"Thanks," I beamed, my heart fluttering at the idea of seeing Brody in a few short minutes.

Robyn, my parents, the three other staff members, and myself all got into our own cars after we said goodbye to each other. Only working at The Sand Dollar on weekend mornings kind of makes me miss it even more. Kind of.

With hardly any traffic on the road, I made it to Brody's pretty fast. His lone Jeep was sitting in the driveway while his mom's was most likely at work. I parked out front and skipped up to the door, waiting only a couple seconds before it opened up.

"Hi," he greeted me, one corner of his mouth turned up.

"Hey," I smiled. He let me in and I leaned up on my toes to peck his lips, and when I pulled away to look at him, the crooked smirk wasn't convincing me.

He seemed... troubled. Like he was thinking too hard about something. Or maybe I was over analyzing it. Maybe he's just tired.

"How was work?" He asked, the lone wrinkle on his forehead still bothering me.

I shrugged, leading the way up the stairs after he gestured towards them. "Fine. It went by extra slow because I was excited to see you," I glanced back to grin at him. His lips lifted into the smallest smile I've ever seen, which I furrowed my brows at but didn't mention. "So what were you doing today?"

"Nothing much," he sighed. We each went to a side on his bed and met in the middle, him lounging on his back and opening up his side for me to snuggle up to. I gladly took the offer and rested my head against his chest, tangling my legs with his and resting my hand on his stomach. "Just thinking about you."

"How sweet," I murmured teasingly. This time he smiled a little wider as he gently ruffled my hair around, but it still didn't reach his eyes.

Those eyes, that could be as transparent as a handful of water, were the darkest shade of blue today. The turbulent waves in his sea told me that a storm was rolling in. I could hardly see into them as I tried to decipher his thoughts. But I don't think that's a talent anyone has – Brody is impossible to read.

"So, I um, wanted to talk to you about something," he said, so calm and cool about it. Meanwhile, a knot formed in my gut at the statement. We had been talking for awhile about hardly anything important when he suddenly said that and flipped the entire vibe of the conversation.

"Oh, okay," I agreed as nonchalant as I could manage, picking my head up to look at him. He wasn't look back at me, but instead at our intertwined fingers. "What?"

"Surfing," he shook his head. Like he was trying to make it seem like surfing wasn't a huge deal in his life, just a side hobby. I simply nodded and let him go on, watching as he took his hand away from mine to stick it in his hair. The other was wrapped around my shoulders, as it had been this whole time. "I uh... I got invited to go to this huge world competition in Australia in a couple weeks. Not to compete because it's for pros, but just to watch. It's still an honor that they even want me there in the first place."

"Oh my God, that's so cool," I urged him to tell me more about it, my eyes lighting up at the idea of Australia. Just another place to visit on my bucket list.

"Yeah. I'd be there for about a week and a half," he explained with a slow nod. "I-it's really crazy. Owen called me the other day and gave me a rundown of what the new year is gonna be like. This summer opened up so many doors for me and it's like I'm really taking off all of a sudden. Like, my entire life could change this year. Owen never wanted to rush me into anything because it can be really overwhelming and a lot to handle, but we both think it's time I step up."

He was extra modest as he told me all of this, although he usually is when it comes to surfing. But for some reason, it seems like he's being indifferent about it also, which isn't like him.

"I'm really proud of you. And happy," I smiled warmly, trying to provoke any emotion out of him. "This is awesome."

"Yeah," he nearly whispered the word. A sad grin twitched at his lips and that was all I needed to prove he wasn't okay.

I sat up now, untangling our legs so that I could properly face him. He finally connected our gazes, his more solemn than my concerned one. "Brody, what's wrong?" I demanded.

The harsh sigh that left his lips doubled my unease. Surveying his every move, he pushed himself up so he was leaning against the wall behind his bed. He anxiously chewed on his lower lip before he spoke up in a hoarse tone. "I hate that I have to do this to you."

"What?"

At my prodding, that heartbroken smile reappeared. It's like he clearly knows something I don't.

And from his next few words, that rang true.

"Lena... I'm not gonna be around a lot, you know? I'm going to be traveling so much for surfing. I mean, I'll hardly be home." He just kept shaking his head as he wedged his fingers into my chest to rip my heart out.

"Brody..." my voice fell at the sunken plea for him to stop going on because I knew exactly where he was heading.

"And... and you don't deserve that. Okay? You deserve someone that's gonna be home to spend time with you. Someone that's gonna be a good boyfriend. He'll be able to go through your senior year with you, go to Prom with you, be there for when you go off to college-"

"Why are you doing this?" I cut him off sharply, my face scrunched in perplexity. "You know I don't want any of that unless it's with you."

This cannot be happening right now. Everything was so good. What happened that changed his mind?

"Yeah, but you have to know where I'm coming from. It's gonna be really hard on you and I don't want to be the cause of that."

When he didn't carry on, we both sat in silence. The sound ringing in my ears, so high-pitched and so ear-piercing that trying to ignore it was out of the question. My mouth parted as quick, ragged breaths were moving in and out, causing my shoulders to heave.

I inspected his body language during the time of neither of us speaking. I knew he could feel me staring at him, yet his eyes were everywhere else but directed towards me. His mouth was sewn shut, forming a thin line across his tense, but still stunningly gorgeous face. He was incessantly picking at a scab on his palm, not paying the slightest of attention to it though.

It hit me that he was lying. Blatantly lying straight to my face about why we should break up. He tried to be nice and easy about it so it wouldn't hurt me that much. But it did the opposite – lying to me felt like an open wound that was unwilling to heal.

"This isn't about surfing, is it?" I hissed. His eyes snapped right over to mine. "This is about us. This is about me."

"Lena, please," he breathed, running his hand through his hair. Bingo. Liar.

"No," I sneered. "You think I'm stupid? That I'm gonna sit here and believe that you wanna break up because of 'surfing'? You're good at a lot of things, Brody, but lying is not one of them."

He leaped off his bed seamlessly with a growl, then started pacing around his room. "You're like, way too good for me, okay? I just think you deserve someone a lot better than me," he said, clearly exasperated.

"What?" I shook my head incredulously. "Brody, you know that's not true."

That was all it took for a cord to snap inside him.

"You love me too much!" He howled. I flinched, that sentence slapping me right across the face. His hands quivered with frustration as he struggled to get his words out. "I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, but I just- I can't... I can't take that. Fuck," he spat out the swear like a nervous tick. It took him a little bit to gather his thoughts, and his breathing pattern, until he tightly held onto his unruly hair and sighed, "I don't know how to explain it to you."

Someone wanted me to comprehend what Brody was trying so hard to say, because all of a sudden, it clicked. I may have been jumping to conclusions – an outlandish one at that – but the picture Brody was painting for me finally became clear.

I slowly got off his bed and walked around it to the other side where he was pacing. He stopped, his eyes meeting mine, looking as distressed as ever.

"You don't want to be loved... do you?" I uttered lowly, my eyes narrowed in scrutiny. The look of comprehension that crossed his features was there. He knew I was onto him. He knew I got it. "You're scared of it. You're terrified at how much I love you. At how much you mean to me."

"Yes, Lena, I am. Because at the end of the day, I'm still the same fucked up guy I've always been. No matter how hard I try to change, it's never really going to happen. I can't change this about myself, no one can. I'm not normal," he raised his voice and his hands were jerking all over to enunciate his point. Then he shook his head again and let out a quiet, bitter chuckle. "I guess I'm like my fucking dad and no matter what other people feel for me, all that matters is how I feel."

"Now I know why you and Sky made so much sense," I mused. My rigid stare softened as it drifted away from him, a million thoughts coming together at once to put it all into perspective for me. "You loved her, but she never really loved you. It was all a lie for her, but real for you. And that's what made you guys work so well for so long."

He looked at me in disbelief, at a loss for words at first. "You're really bringing up Sky right now? You know what she did to me. She's fucked me up for life. It's impossible for me to get close to anyone after what she did, which is why you scare the hell out of me because I love you so goddamn much."

"I know what she did to you, but look at what you're doing to me!" I shrieked with urgency for him to see how much this was hurting. "You're taking everything from me and you won't let me do the same." I couldn't stop. Now that I was seeing everything after the fog had cleared, I was relentless. "You don't want me to be in love with you. You just want me to be slightly interested enough so that I stick around so you can give yourself away. But the second I try to do that to you, you run."

Brody stood there, his hands by his side in defeat. The storm in his eyes from before now passed, because I said all that he wanted me to know. He brought the waves, but I had the power to crash them.

"I don't know what to say to make you understand," he croaked, lamely shrugging a shoulder.

"I will never understand it!" I cried out. Finally, a tear broke through out of nowhere and lingered on the edge of my eye. I was quick to roughly wipe it away. "I'll never understand why you don't want me to love you, or why you're pushing me away but still dragging me with you at the same time... I will never understand you."

And again, we stood in silence. I brought my hand up to press against my forehead, my shallow breathing not enough to calm me down at this point.

"I get it. Surfing was your first love, and nothing is going to be able to replace that," I said, unable to stop the wild thoughts in my brain from pouring out in bold words. "But surfing can't replace human affection. It can't hug you, or hold you when you cry. It can't talk to you, kiss you, make love to you. Why would you want to give that up when I'm willing to give all of that to you, and more?"

"I don't know, Lena, but I have to," he answered hoarsely as he ducked his head downward and I lost his gaze. "I can't keep doing this. I can't have you loving me."

"Well you don't get to decide that!" I burst out desperately. Another small tear came racing down my cheek. Damn, why can't I keep it together? Just thinking about breaking down and losing it in front of Brody had my eyes watering even more. The thought of losing him brought an ocean to the corners of my eyes. "I really do love you, Brody. I guess that's just too much for you."

He gnawed on his bottom lip, hesitating like he ran out of things to say. "I just need time," was what he came up with.

"I'll give you all the time you need. Whatever you want. But I'm not gonna sit around and wait for you. I wanna live my life, Brody, and with you in it. If you don't want that, then I have to move on."

"I'm sorry," he whispered. The faint apology had me shaking my head over and over.

I sniffled, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "I should be the one that's sorry. You did nothing wrong – you love me. I'm just the idiot that fell in love with you."

Brody had nothing else to say after that. He was speechless, standing just a few feet away from me with a helpless look in his eyes.

I didn't think giving myself away to Brody would hurt so damn much. Or that handing over my last shred of innocence to the guy who stole my heart would come back to haunt me.

Who knew that the guy I happened to fall in love with, didn't want anything to do with love unless it was coming from himself?

If I stood there any longer with Brody staring at me like that, I'm sure I would have fallen to pieces right there on his bedroom floor. There was nothing I could say to fix things. All was said, and we were done.

"I'm gonna go now. Don't try to call me," I tried to keep my voice as steady as I could while I said it. It didn't relieve the sharp jab in my chest.

"Lena-"

"I cannot be friends with you, Brody," I snapped, flinging my tense hands out. "I am either completely in love with you, or nothing. I can't do that to myself. Not right now... not for awhile."

He scratched the back of his neck and nodded a little when he knew that I meant what I said. "Okay," he said weakly, intensifying the pain in my chest to an all-over stinging.

"So long, Brody." Goodbye until we meet again. Better than a straight up goodbye because I hope to God he gets himself together and we do meet again.

So I left, and I watched as the house of the boy who loved too hard, but not quite enough to feel it for himself, disappeared from my line of sight.

And just like that, we diminished. Our love, precisely like a firework, had vanished in seconds. Sparkling with dominance, unable to be ignored, lighting up the entire night sky one moment, and withering away to nothing but smoke and ashes the next.

🌊🌊🌊

A/N - everything was going so good. but hey that's when you know some shit's 'bout to happen!!! yikes guys!!! thoughts on the break up??? (am i asking too early is the wound still fresh so sry) i told ya it would get emo and this was pretty emo. so sorry again.

i've been pretty inactive on here because i've been back at my part-time job for a lil bit but i'm off for today so that's why i'm updating a day early! (technically a week late because i missed last week but oh well). i'mstill job hunting for a real job since this boutique gig is only in the meantime until i really start adulting 'cuz ya girl needs $$$. nothing too exciting to tell y'all unfortunately except for that i'm going shopping after work tomorrow with my friends in the city so i'm really looking forward to that! 

other than that, thanks for reading as always, and i love ya lots!

song: make you feel by love by adele

photo: firework (the description of the story tho.....)

xoxo, sabbbycat