Yeah imma open up to the zero people who are going to read this 😼

This feels like a safe space, so if y'all don't mind, I'm gonna rant/vent or smth ig because I need a place to do this 😀👍

Also TW ig? Cause narcissism and slight neglect so 😌✌️

I've spent the majority of my life around shitty people, mostly my mom's ex boyfriends, who always end up being narcissistic pieces of shit. I'm so sick of it and it makes me feel sick when I think shitty, racist things about black men just because two of my mom's exes were black. I don't think that normally though. Maybe that's just an intrusive thought type thing because I get those a lot with some of my worst fears, like being a pedophile for example. Once again, I would never do anything like it, but I think about it a lot. But back to the main stuff lol.

I don't remember a lot from my childhood to be honest. I just know I was alone a lot and T and S (I'll be using their first entails for this) were around a lot. I don't remember much of S being around, I just know that I was friends with his kids. Now that I'm older, I found out that he has a _lot_ of kids, with so many different women (side thingy, how come he's not considered a slut, but a girl who wears a miniskirt is? I don't get that). Once again, there's barely anything that I remember and I think that's a trauma thing? Maybe? Idk.

What I do remember a lot of is T. T was the reason that my neighbor threatened to call CPS and get me taken away because my mom wasn't home yet. T was the reason why I was alone so often. He's probably the reason why I have such a low self-esteem, too. He'd always compare himself to me, even though I was like 8. I'd colour a picture or something and he'd say how much better his picture was. I'm not good at math, I never have been, but once I remember him saying something about how what I was doing was easy to everyone (or something along those lines) and I cried. I cried a lot.

I have sensory processing disorder/dysfunction which made things hard for me. Like being in crowded spaces. That was a no-go for me until last year, but then COVID happened and I've probably lost the slight social skills I have. Anyways, i felt (and still feel) stupid and out of place when it comes to a lot of things and he just made it worse. I remember a few times where him and my mom would get in fights in the car after they'd pick me up from school. I was always so scared, but couldn't do anything. What can a 7 year old do? What can a 13 year old do? I looked through some of my old diaries from 2014-2019 and there were so many things in there that made me so sad. It was mostly filled with how much I hated these people and dumb drawings of mine. The other time I remember was when I had gone to see Zootopia a few days prior to this incident. Because of that movie, for a while, I wanted to be a cop. I thought It'd be rad, getting the bad guys and all. I remember getting home from school and watching Arthur and TV to hear something outside, that something being T throwing a tantrum outside because my mom didn't want to let him in the house for being a bastard. Our landlord and T both called the cops and when they showed up, they took his side. They took his goddamn side. There's so much evidence proving the fact he's a shitty person and they said that he could stay for another month. My mom just walked back inside and took a few suitcases and packed a bag for me and her. I ended up staying at my dad's for a few days while she stayed at a hotel. It was still a school week so I had to get ready.. except because of my sensory stuff, my mom would help me get ready. My dad would just end up sleeping and I had to get ready myself. I had to brush my hair, teeth and put clothes on which, at the time, was a lot for me. I was 7, you can't expect much from me.

Unlike T or S, I remember more from experiences with my mom and biological dad. I had to go with my dad every Wednesday and Sunday. Most of the times I'd hate going and be anxious being there. When I go now I still get anxious being there. One time, he said that we were going to go on a short trip to get his wallet, but the trip lasted over three hours. We stopped and ate food at TGI Fridays with him and my little sister (I'll call her Lily if her name comes up). I remember being there and being so anxious that I felt like I was going to throw up, but he made me eat anyways and I hated it. I've seen that happen again with him, but this time with Lily, my sister who's 7 years younger than me. I was around 11 at the time and we went to go get KFC and then come right back to his apartment to eat it, then they'd drop me off at my moms apartment. Lily didn't want to eat anymore since she was crying about something I don't remember. It's so hard to eat when you're crying and I can't imagine what she was feeling when this tiny person had to eat this big thing of chicken. I started crying too because it made me nervous.

Or the one time where I was with Lily, my dads ex girlfriend (who is also the mom to Lily) and their dog, Elmer. I was having fun there until a fire started and we had to evacuate. I wasn't ever really scared or fire or death until that moment and even though it was down the hallway, it was still scary.

Now for my mom, I've seen her cry way too much. I don't know if that's normal to have to help your mom weekly get out of having a panic attack, but she did the same with me, so I guess we're even?

Anyways, my mom and I have moved to where my grandparents are. We're living in their basement now, and we've been here for over a year. Even though our old life was hectic, i at least had friends and, as awful as it sounds, I miss being around those types of shitty people. It gives life a bit of ✨spice✨ lol sorry I cope with humour.

Thank you if you read all of this, ily and I'm gonna go listen to Slipknot and cry now 😚