Copyright 2014 © Rosesareforever

A Fight without Remorse

Chapter 22

Sometimes you find yourself in a surreal situation. You feel like it’s impossible that a certain thing is happening, yet you are powerless to stop it. You try to tell yourself you’re just having a bad dream and you will wake up any moment. Deep down, you realize it’s not simply a nightmare you're facing, it's the cold hard truth. Today, Alexis had exactly that kind of feeling. She wished she was dreaming, but her mind knew better. 

“We need to talk.” The words kept repeating over and over again, haunting her. She did her best to ignore Marcus, but his massive aura made it an impossibility. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs the moment his muscled thighs pressed against hers when he took a seat next to her.  

Her body was well aware of who was beside her. Her female hormones were screaming for attention. Fortunately, her mind hadn’t forgotten how angry she was with him. Fury rolled of her shoulders in waves, leaving her struggling to keep her temper in check. She wasn’t going to give Marcus the satisfaction of seeing her lose it altogether.  

They had been sitting on that bench for over five minutes and he had yet to start a conversation. Marcus stayed eerily quiet beside her and hadn't uttered a single word about their breakup.

“So, talk,” she demanded, her patience wearing thin. Stubbornly she refused to meet his gaze and stared straight ahead. A few people passed by, too absorbed in their own problems to notice the angry looking couple seated on the small bench. 

“I am sorry, love, so incredibly sorry for the pain I have caused you,” he said gently, his voice soft as butter. She successfully ignored the way her heart started beating faster in her chest and remained still as a statue. A lump formed in her throat as she watched Marcus from the corner of her eye. 

He bent forward, his head resting on his hands, “there are no words to explain how I've felt these past few weeks without you, Alex. I’ve never felt worse in my entire life. Your hateful stare has haunted me, every night my blissful dreams of you morph into nightmares, always ending with you hating me. I am crushed. I don’t know what to do without you. I never could have imagined that losing you would rip my heart into pieces,” he explained cautiously, his voice wavering from time to time, thick and filled with emotion. 

“Alex, my sweet little kitty cat, please look at me,” he begged. She could feel his body trembling beside her as he pleaded with her to look him in the eye.  

Exhaling deeply, she slowly turned to face him. Despite her lingering anger, she couldn’t deny him. It already took all her willpower not to fall apart in front of him. Marcus had ripped her to shreds, but in so doing, hurt himself as well. It was a fact she couldn’t deny. The pain in his voice was obvious. He couldn’t feign those kind of emotions. They were too raw and deep.  

As her eyes met his, she was surprised to see tears streaming down his cheeks. His eyes had glazed over and were filled with pain and torment. It was the first time she'd ever seen him look so fragile, all his masks and pretenses gone. She had to choke back her own tears and keep her emotions at bay. It would be too easy to wrap her arms around him and hold on to him for dear life, to seek comfort in his strong embrace. 

Marcus carefully put a finger under her chin to make sure she was looking him straight in the eye. Her breath caught in her throat at the feel of his skin against hers and a soft gasp left her lips. “I love you. No matter what happens in the future, I will always love you. Only you,” he stated seriously, his words coming out confidently. 

“I know I broke your heart and there is nothing I can do to fix it, but I want you to know that my feelings for you won’t change. I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I won’t ask for it, but I needed you to know you weren’t just a game to me,” he explained, sounding entirely sincere.   

“I fucked up, I always do. It’s a gift I got from my mother. I’m not even half as good as you are, but I do love you with all my heart. That’s the one thing I am completely sure of. You cared for me, even when everyone told you I was bad news. You gave me a chance I didn’t even deserve. You opened your heart for me, while all I did was break it apart.” 

“If I could go back in time and change the things I have done, I would. The sad thing is, it’s impossible for me to do that. I will always carry the guilt of breaking you with me. I’m not here today to torture you, but to offer you peace. You need to know that it was never my intention to hurt you like I did. At the time, I honestly believed I was doing the right thing by keeping you in the dark.”

“It now seems entirely asinine. I made a mistake, one I will pay for the rest of my life. I screwed up the one positive thing I had going for me. I will never forget nor will I ever forgive myself,” he ended, his eyes dropping to his feet, filled with guilt and embarrassment. 

She wanted to reach out to him, she honestly did, yet some twisted part of her refused to cooperate. Her heart was still in pieces and it would take lots of time for it to be whole again. After his speech, she’d felt an immense amount of relief. He hadn’t been playing her and truly felt sorry for the way he had treated her. Yet, it wasn’t enough to gain back her trust and heal her wounds. 

“I’m going to leave now, just please remember, my door is always open to you. I will wait for you, even if you never change your mind. You know where to find me,” he told her softly after a few moments of silence. As he stood up, he placed a feather light kiss against her temple before turning around and walking away. 

Alexis was stunned. Part of her wanted to scream for him to come back, yet the bigger part still wasn’t ready to offer him a second chance. He said all the right things and made all the promises she once longed to hear. Why couldn’t she forgive him and move on?

Because he broke your trust. He hit your soft spot and ruined the entire foundation of your relationship. A voice whispered inside her head. He could promise her the moon, but why should she believe him? What reason did he ever give her to believe a word of what he said? He was going to have to fight long and hard if he wanted to regain her trust.

***

It had taken every ounce of Marcus’ strength to leave her that day at the Highline. His heart screamed at him to turn around and run into her arms. Somehow he summoned the courage to keep walking, knowing Alexis still needed time, maybe a lot of time. Clearly, Alexis wasn’t yet ready to forgive him nor put the past behind them. He played his 'Hail Mary' card, telling her everything, holding nothing back. She needed time to process and come to terms with his heartfelt confession.

He knew that day wasn't about forgiveness, he didn't expect her to jump into his arms like nothing had happened. He'd hurt her just too deeply for it to be easy. Shaking his head, he realized he didn't want easy. Nothing easy is worth fighting for.  Alexis deserved much better than what he could offer, yet he couldn’t just give up. It was selfish on his part. However, knowing he was so head over heels in love with this woman, he couldn't just walk away without a fight. They say sometimes it’s for the best to let your loved ones go, but Marcus wasn’t strong enough to let that happen. He needed her. Whether she was a friend, enemy or lover, he wanted her in his life in some capacity. Just being around her should be enough. 

Four long weeks had passed since he laid it all on the line for her. She'd made no effort to contact him in any way. On the upside, Jade was keeping him posted, finally believing that he truly did love her sister. She sent him a text message three weeks ago telling him that Alex was having difficulty processing everything he'd said that day. Jade believed she just needed more time and maybe a nudge, given that stubborn streak that all the Henderson women possessed. 

He realized she was right. Words were just words. He'd need to somehow prove his sincerity to her. He could spout till he was blue in the face how much he loved her. When had he actually taken the time to show her the depth of his love for her? He needed to show Alex just how much she meant to him.

His plan was formulated 19 days ago. On Monday, he’d sent a single red rose to her office, card attached, telling her he was in love with her. Every day thereafter, he sent her some trinket declaring his affection. On Wednesday’s he arranged to have lunch delivered to her during the weekly staff meeting. Normally she just chewed on a coffee shop bagel. Part three of his plan commenced on Friday.

Every Friday he would send a letter that enlightened her to something new about him. They never truly had taken the time to get to know each other. He wanted her to know every detail of his life before she became the center of it. He always added an address to the bottom of the letters leading her to yet another rose and another note.

At first it seemed like a silly idea. As more time passed, the more convinced he was that his plan might actually work. Two days ago, he’d received a letter from Alex to thank him for the beautiful roses. She hadn’t said a word about their relationship, but he was content to know she hadn't burned his presents or thrown the roses in the trash.   

***

“Alex? Your delivery arrived,” Jade winked, handing her a white envelope. She smiled softly as she accepted the letter. He still hadn’t given up. Three weeks of lovely gestures and miraculously he still hadn't given up.

To be honest, Alexis actually started to look forward to his Friday notes. Before long she actually started to look forward to receiving his letters and getting to know who the real Marcus was behind the mask. The addresses always led to something wonderful. It was almost like a treasure hunt, she thought, a smile breaking across her face. 

At first, she had refused to open any of them. Struggling to understand his intent, curiosity got the best of her so she started to open his letters. Before things fell apart, she'd been unable to see why he just couldn't be open with her, why he hid so much about himself. Although seemingly futile, he was laying himself bare for her about his childhood and other aspects of his life.

The first note read: ‘As a child, I was a real rebel. I constantly fought with my parents. One night I ran away from home and ended up sleeping on a bench in Central Park. A homeless man found me and gave me a piece of bread. I was starved and couldn’t believe my luck. After that, I visited Charles every Thursday morning, never missing one. He passed away two years ago.'

There was an address on the note that led her to a graveyard. Alexis had been reticent and didn’t know whether she should follow his instructions or not. In the end, her curiosity got the best of her. Marcus' instructions led her to the gravesite of Charles Henry Howard. On top of the marble stone lay a single rose with another short note attached. I still visit Charles every Thursday morning. Feel free to join me sometime. Yours always, Marcus.

Tears pricked her eyes as she read the note. She hadn't a clue that Marcus remotely cared for anyone except his mother and Peter at one time in his life. It proved that she really didn't know much about him. When Thursday arrived, she's been sorely tempted to meet Marcus at the cemetery but decided against it. She wasn't yet ready to face him again.

Standing there, next to a stranger's gravestone, she realized Marcus was trying to reveal another layer of himself to her.  During their short time together, she’d learned bits and pieces of who he is. Sadly, they never really talked about personal stuff. 

When studying his notes, she learned a plethora of things she otherwise would never have known. He was opening up a part of himself that she hadn't yet discovered. The man was so complex. There was so much lurking underneath his hardened exterior. She'd caught glimpses of the man behind the curtain, but she hadn't been able to pull it all the way back yet.

A week later another letter ended up on top of her desk. ‘I never really bonded with my mother when I was little. She didn’t have the time nor the inclination to care for a child, at least that's what her excuse was. I was only born because she needed to produce an heir for my father so she would have access to his money. He married her because she was pregnant, not because he loved her. When he passed away, she inherited his entire fortune, getting exactly what she wanted.  Katharina wasn’t a bad person, she simply had no clue as to how to be a mother.

I only have one childhood memory of my mother and me. It was a windy Saturday morning. After begging her for weeks to take me somewhere, anywhere, we went to the park to feed the ducks. It's the happiest memory I have of my childhood. We spent the entire day together, just like any other normal mother and son. No matter what Katharina did in the past, I still vividly remember that day. It’s one of the reasons why I loved her so much. She was still my mother, no matter how badly she had treated me.’

Smiling sadly, Alex followed the directions at the end of the note and ended up on a bench at Central Park. Another note was waiting for her when she arrived along with a sack of old bread for her to feed the ducks. My wish is for you and I and our children to come here to feed them one day too. It’s a dream I have been having a lot over the past several weeks. Yours always, Marcus.

As she fed the ducks, Alex realized it was something she could actually imagine happening. She never truly longed to have a child of her own, but in that moment, it was all she could wish for. 

She never truly understood the bond Marcus had with his mother. They always seemed miles apart. Still, when Katharina needed him most, Marcus was there for her, treating her like she was the best mother ever to walk the planet. It showed how caring and forgiving Marcus could be. Even though his mother was never really there for him as a child, he still loved her more than anything in the world. 

The moment she had been waiting for all week finally arrived, she’d gotten another letter. “Read it already,” Jade grinned before leaving Alex alone in her office. A small smile played at her lips, inhaling deeply, she carefully opened the envelope. Taking the letter out, she immediately noticed it was slightly longer than the others. 

‘I wish I could see you right now. You can’t imagine how much I miss seeing your beautiful smile in the morning. How I miss the way you nervously tap your foot against the floor or play with the fabric of your shirt. I miss the way we used to fight over every detail of every silly little thing, from the most glaring to the most minute. I miss waking up next to you, seeing that peaceful look on your features. I know I’m not supposed to tell you all of this in these notes, but I love you, kitty cat. I love you so much it physically hurts. 

In my senior year of high school, I was best friends with my mate Lois. He wanted to study business right alongside me, but his grades weren’t high enough to get a full scholarship. His parents didn’t have the kind of money necessary to pay for his school fees and were struggling to keep their heads above water. The crisis hit them hard. 

By that time I already had a serious amount of money in my bank account and decided to help him out without his knowledge. He’d kill me if he knew I was the reason he could go to college. Lois was a proud person who didn’t accept ‘pity’ favors as he called them. He wouldn’t have accepted the offer if he knew it came from one of his friends. 

I created a charity to help people pay for their school fees. Lois was the first person who got chosen. It was anonymous. He never knew I was the one who paid for his school books and tuition.'

A tug pulled Alex’s lips into a bright smile. It was incredibly thoughtful of Marcus to help out a friend like that. At the bottom of the paper was another address. She quickly took her coat off the peg and decided to follow the instructions. To be honest, she immensely enjoyed these Friday nights. There were so many new things she had learned about Marcus’ life through his letters.

Ten minutes later she arrived at her destination. It was a skyscraper in the middle of Manhattan where all kinds of business offices were centered. She stepped inside the large building and walked straight to the elevator as the note instructed. As she waited for the elevator to arrive downstairs, she wondered why on earth Marcus would have brought her to this place. It was clearly something entirely different than the other locations he'd sent her to.

As the metal doors opened, she quickly stepped inside and pushed the 30th floor button. Inhaling deeply, she mentally prepared herself for a long and dreadful elevator ride. She absolutely despised confined spaces. It wasn’t that she was claustrophobic, she just didn't like elevators. The fear to getting stuck was always lingering in the back of her mind. 

Exactly 48 seconds later, she arrived at the right floor and vacated the small metal box. The note instructed her to go to the second door to her right.  Following said instructions, she halted at the right door. A red rose was strapped to the metal handle along with another note. I still pay the tuition for dozens of impoverished teenagers every year. If you are ready to see me, knock on the door. Yours always, Marcus.

Her breath hitched as she carefully reread the words to make sure she wasn’t mistaken. Marcus was waiting for her on the other side of the door, letting her make the decision whether she was ready to face him or not. She could easily turn around and not look back. It was entirely up to her whether she took this chance or not. 

It was then she noticed the sign on top of the door. MJ Fund – Don’t let money prevent you from reaching your goals. She silently stared at the sign, surprised she hadn’t read the inscription sooner. How was it possible she had never known Marcus established a charity?  

It was now or never. Marcus and she had been separated for over three months. Three appalling months of doubts and brooding. She had to make a decision. Would she find the strength to give him a second chance? Could she forgive him after everything he put her through? 

Love conquers all they say, but what if their love wasn’t enough? Could she trust her gut, knowing it wouldn’t be the first time her intuition had been wrong? Guess she would have to find out, she thought before softly knocking on the door. Her palms were sweaty, her heart racing and butterflies fluttered in her belly as she waited for Marcus to answer the door. She nervously shifted her weight from left to right. 

Two seconds later – yes, she had been counting – the door opened widely, revealing a tired looking Marcus. He’d clearly lost a few pounds during their separation. Dark circles clouded his beautiful eyes. He’d aged at least five years in the past three months. It was a sight she wished she didn’t have to see. She clearly wasn’t the only one suffering. 

“Kitty cat,” he whispered ever so softly, his voice filled with disbelief. He couldn’t seem to comprehend that she was