H.H.S.A Guidebook for New Inhabitants
Edition 34. Published - 803 A.D by V. Atticus

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S.4 It's quite common for Inhabitants of the Halfway House to have known one another in life, as karmic anomalies tend to form in 'clusters', affecting groups of people at a time. It's unknown whether we are deliberately placed together or if this is coincidental.

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A faint knock on the door startled me out of a trance. I'd been lost in a haze of wandering thoughts, a stream of music drifting from my mp3. An old Led Zeppelin song from before they got famous. I'd fallen asleep listening to music, and when I woke up past midnight couldn't find any reason to get up and turn it off.

The darkness outside was waning, promising dawn. I'd slept off my initial rage, and was left with nothing but a dull dread.

"It's unlocked." I called hoarsely, sitting up in bed. I heard the doorknob turn, and in walked Ryuzaki, looking as if sleep were merely an abstract concept.
"Above."
"...Ryuzaki."

We stared at one another for a long moment, exchanging a look that could've meant anything. Ryuzaki cleared his throat, which brought into the open the clear tension between us. I expected myself to react with more anger and hostility, but at the sight of his dark-rimmed eyes and tired demeanour, all I felt was a muted sort of weariness.

I was about to launch into a half-assed apology when Ryuzaki cleared his throat.
"...Would you like to come up to the roof with me? I've been wanting to visit it. I heard that at dawn the sky turns a unique shade of lavender." I took this as code for 'we should probably talk', and after some hesitation, agreed.

"...Yeah, ok."

Slowly I got up and put on a sweater, avoiding Ryuzaki's gaze. How long had I slept? Fifteen, sixteen hours?

I probably do owe Ryuzaki an apology, if for nothing else to avoid further conflict. I shouldn't have yelled at him either. Though, I don't know if I can bring myself to swallow my pride. I'm a very prideful person, despite how I may seem.

I was still blinking the sleep out of my eyes as we left and headed to the lift in silence. I remember flinching as my shoulder brushed past Ryuzaki's.
It was quiet, and only after reaching the roof did either of us speak up.

Ryuzaki got off the lift and then stopped to take it in. In one corner lay a luxurious pool with a waterfall running down the side that flowed down to hot tubs on the floor below. There was a pool house, bar, and a grill. Opposite was a lush greenhouse, and closer to us were couches circling a firepit. On both sides on top of the pool house were small decks made for gazing up at the sky - one side facing the sunrise, the other sunset. The decks had pool chairs and sofas, and mini-fridges that likely contained nothing but alcohol. People liked to throw parties here.

And of course, all around us was a stunning view of the outside, evergreen trees and enormous yellow daffodils shrouded in mist, barely visible in the soft airglow of night. Looming ominously.

"This place... is really beautiful." Ryuzaki said, his voice a hushed whisper.
"Only the best for society's fuck-ups." I smiled sarcastically, eyeing with disdain the enormous yellow weeds protruding from the forest. I nudged past him and headed to the deck facing east, where the sky was steadily beginning to lighten. Soon the world would turn lavender for a few breathless minutes, then return to an inconspicuous blue that feigned Earth's; though it's a bit too powdery in hue for me to fully forget that this isn't Earth. The small pocket of time where the sky assumes an unnatural shade of lavender, like the moon too large to be our own, is a quiet reminder that wherever we are, it's not the planet we lived and died on.

We climbed onto the deck wordlessly. Ryuzaki took a seat on one the sofas, and I checked the minifridge. Surprisingly there was some food behind all the alcohol. I took some bottled iced coffee for myself, and Ryuzaki got a bottle of water. I sat on a sofa opposite to him and we stared out at the sky. It was awhile before either of us spoke up.

Ryuzaki sat with his legs bunched up, his arms folded across his knees. He cleared his throat, and then stared down into his lap.

" ...By nature, I'm very arrogant. As a detective and as a person. I was arrogant in the way I've been approaching you, and I'm being arrogant now in seeking you out again. I know I'm in no position to ask anything of you, and I understand why you can't forgive me. I don't expect you to. But... please at least let me explain myself."

I glanced over at him, taken aback by his humility. He was lowering himself, taking off his airy veneer and speaking with a modesty I hadn't seen on him before. It quieted the bitterness in my throat, and so I let him speak. I gazed at his black shock of hair, watching him pick at his denim jeans with a faraway look in his eyes, so different from the intense expression he normally wore.

"...My first two successors, A and B. Out of everything I've ever done, you were my greatest regret. It was my own negligence that killed you and drove Beyond to psychosis."

I lifted my head at his name.
"What happened to Beyond after I died?"

"He fled to California immediately following your death." Ryuzaki replied. His expression was grim. "Five years later he committed a series of murders designed to be too hard for me to solve, his way of beating me. They were called the Wara Ningyo Murders, also known as the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases. I caught him, and he's serving a life sentence in a California prison."

His words stuck me like a punch in the gut. I'd always guessed that he would turn out dead or worse, but it didn't change the heaviness in my heart. Beyond, my only companion in life, became a murderer. But with the way he'd begun to deteriorate, I'd be lying if I said I was surprised. From my position, I could only hope that whatever God cursed him into existence would have enough mercy not to damn him to hell.

"...Well, I hope he put up a good fight." Was all I could say. "Before Wammy's House ruined us, all he ever wanted was to earn your respect."

Ryuzaki's gaze dropped. Out of remorse? Sorrow, for the boy who's life he ruined? My shoulders stiffened in an unconscious wave of anger, but I stopped myself. I had to stop thinking that way.

"I do respect Beyond." He said. "Under better circumstances, he would've made a fine detective. You already know this, but when the Wammy's House set up the program of successors, they doubted you or Beyond would ever actually succeed me. Still, the way you two were treated was a disgrace to everyone involved, and that includes me. I..."
He paused, searching for the right words.
"...When I met you as a teenager and saw your condition, I did nothing. I was arrogant, and thought austerity was a necessary evil. I know better now. I'm supposed to be a pillar of justice, but I failed the two people I was most responsible for. My negligence drove you to an early grave and even now, your soul can't rest. People rarely stay here more than three years but you've been here seven. You've been here so long that you've even seen me come through these doors. So... I'm sorry, for how things turned out, and for the part I played in all this. You deserved better from me."

Silence fell on us, heavy and fragile.

Never in all my years of existence did I ever think the day would come when L himself would apologize to me with sincerity and humility. I didn't know what to think, how to feel if I couldn't feel anger.

Of all the things L has been to me, humble has certainly never been one of them. He was barely even human in my eyes, just an abstract idea. An unobtainable, god-like figure of unfathomable brilliance. Ideal personified. Not once did I think of him as just another human being like myself. But he was only eighteen or so when I died; we were were both just teenagers. Can I really judge him to be the same person, after showing genuine remorse for his actions?

Even so, the apology evoked no particular bout of forgiveness within the hollow recesses of my heart. I broke the silence feeling more withdrawn than ever.

"...Nothing about what happened to either of us was fair." I said. "It wasn't fair that you died at the hands of someone with the power to kill anyone, was it? Life is overwhelmingly unfair. You can't expect to go through it without hurting anyone. Every step you take in good faith is bound to cause someone else pain by default. Like Newton's third law - 'for every action, there will be an equal and opposite reaction'. I just happened to be collateral damage in Watari's quest to mould you a successor. That's all."

"Still." Ryuzaki persisted, and I tried not to sigh. Clearly, it was in his nature to be endlessly stubborn. "We both know I bear responsibility. But, I don't even know the full extent of what happened. Did they ever mistreat you in any way? I'm sure they were strict."

Hearing those words broke my heart. I realised that he must really not know, and lowered my head and sighed.

"They physically and verbally abused us, Ryuzaki." I said bluntly. "They locked us in the cupboards and deprived us of food and water. Once they tested our mental aptitude by leaving us in the woods over the winter. We had to drink snow, and I nearly died of dysentery. We had to eat a fucking rat at one point. It was hell, Ryuzaki. That's why we turned out like this."

The look on his face put a wrench in all the resentment I had built up for him. He was so shaken by this that his hands began to tremble, which he hid by tucking them in his pockets.

"H-How...?" He said, his voice quivering. "Why didn't you report this, Above? Did Watari know? If you told me, I would've - "
"I thought you knew."
"-Of course I didn't!" He exclaimed, and seeing the anger in his eyes, I believed him. His shoulders dropped. "If I did, you wouldn't be here right now. Above... I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologise for something you didn't do. I've had seven years to process. I'm over it."

"Please," He said. "Just accept my apology. You know, I think it's a sort of blessing that we both ended up here. This way I have the chance to ask for your forgiveness in person and redeem myself."

"Redeem yourself?" I just laughed. I take back the thing I said about humility earlier. Ryuzaki's abundance of absurd, brazen remarks no longer fazed me. "That kind of thinking will get you nowhere here. Apologies are meaningless. What's done is done and we're dead now, so what's the point? There is none, so don't bother. It doesn't matter anymore. Just sit and wait for your turn to Crumble."

Ryuzaki frowned.
"No, that isn't true at all." He said. His voice rang with conviction. "And even if it was, it's human nature to give meaning to meaningless things. I'm here, however inexplicably, to make peace with my mistakes and regrets. On Earth, I don't think I've ever known anyone I could call my friend. I'm not asking you to be my friend, but... I do wish I could get to know you."

Instead of being shocked, I just smiled and shook my head. See, I was right. He would try and befriend me. It was almost sweet, how simple and honest his words were. I've always liked people that are sincere in what they say, and now that he was showing his true self to me I think a part of me actually appreciated that about him.

"That's a bold thing to say to finish off a deferential apology." I said, meeting his gaze evenly. "Speaking of apologies. I owe you one for yesterday. It was wrong of me to snap at you like that."
"No, I was in the wrong." He said, shaking his head. "Consider it forgotten."

"Alright. Well... I can go along with you if that's what you want. But you shouldn't expect much from me. I'm not a very friendly person, if you couldn't tell."

Ryuzaki smiled. He seemed shy almost.
"Well, maybe you could make me a library assistant." He suggested. He'd clearly already thought this over. "I admit I don't have much interest in getting to know the others, but I do think spending time in a library would be worthwhile. And the fact that you're the librarian is so convenient it feels like divine intervention."

I had to laugh. "I doubt any gods care about us enough to bother meddling in our business. The library would run itself if I weren't around, but if that's what you want I don't mind. The job's mostly just shelving and nagging people who don't return books."

"I could do that." Ryuzaki replied. "I'll probably just be in there reading all day, though."
"That's pretty much what I do already."

We stopped talking after that. The sun had finally begun to show itself, and in an instant the muted sky had transformed. The glittering stars melted into the horizon as the first sliver of sun appeared from above the forest. Within the span of a few seconds, the sky turned a delicate shade of lavender. The forest flooded with light, and even the gruesome daffodils were, I admit, stunning in the cold light. I watched out of the corner of my eye Ryuzaki gazing up at the sky, a childlike awe washing over him.

I couldn't help but think he was beautiful.

The sky's lavender hue suddenly vanished as the sun begin to climb further up the sky. The lavender left as quickly as it appeared and returned to a powdery blue, and a world that had been holding its breath finally exhaled.

I let out a small sigh.
"And, that's the sunrise. A sight worth dying for."
"I still miss the Earth's sunrise." Ryuzaki said. "I used to watch it every morning, because I'd always be up. I wish I was alive to see it."
"...Well, I guess you could still see it if you really wanted to."

"What?" Ryuzaki glanced over at me. "How?"
"We have a room in the hospital wing used for therapy called the Memory Room." I explained. "You can visit a place that was significant to you on Earth."

Ryuzaki's face lit up, and he sat up.
"Really? You've got to take me there."

"What?" I gave him a strange look. "No, that's not a good idea. It's in the hospital wing for a reason. You just arrived here, and I can't vouch for your emotional stability."
"That's okay." He replied immediately. "You know I can handle it. I just want to see Winchester one more time. Please. I swear, this is all I'll ask of you."

I gave him a long look. I had no doubt he could handle it, though I'm loathe to admit it. He's one of the few people here who was naturally strong of mind. Incredibly strong.

Well, who am I to keep him from reliving his past? I figured if I said no, he'd probably just do it anyways.

"Fine. But our head nurse, Rina, will have to accompany you. I can't let you go in there by yourself."
"...Why don't you come along with me instead?"
I stared at him incredulously. Was he really so innocent to his own suggestion? I knew he was brazen, but this was getting ridiculous.

"You're really pushing it." I said, folding my arms together. "I thought this would be the only thing you asked of me. Why should I do that?"
"Well, you grew up there too, right?"
"...I'm not quite as fond of the place as you are."
"That's okay, just come along. I'll be lonely without you."
"..."

Another absurd comment. But I guess there's nothing wrong with being absurd. I wonder if Ryuzaki has always been this brazen, or if he was conscious of how casually presumptuous he was. I couldn't tell. I suppose it doesn't matter either way, does it?

I stood up and began to stretch, my muscles stiff from sitting for so long. Ryuzaki peered up at me, confused.
"What are you doing?"

"Getting up. What does it look like?" Without further explanation, I vaulted off the deck of the poolhouse, landing on the ground below with a thud. I turned around and was amused to see Ryuzaki's stupefied expression.

"Come on. Hurry up before I change my mind."

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