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When dinner was called later that evening, I didnt move to go down.

My stomach turned at the thought of food and my head was pounding with a headache.

Beside me, Charlie lay still and fast asleep. Finally. I had been awake all five times when he got up to throw water on his face after twisting and turning in the bed.

Each time he lay back down in the bed he pulled me closer to him until he'd eventually begin twisting and turning again and drop his arms from around me.

So here I lay, my mind racing with a thousand thoughts. I quietly climbed across Charlie, lightly standing on the ground before crossing the room and grabbing socks from my dresser. 

I put on my shoes and grabbed a jacket before quietly leaving the room. The hall much like earlier was quiet apart from a few distant conversations that could be heard from the student room.

I passed the boys room before coming to a stop outside of Neil and Todd's. I knocked softly before opening the door. Within in the room, Todd was asleep on his bed, beside his head a copy of Neil's script from a mid summer nights dream.

I smiled softly at the boy before shutting the door quietly and turning away. Behind me a door opened and Cameron stepped into the hall.

His eyes were red and blotchy and he was wearing a Welton sweatshirt and his pyjama bottoms.

It was one of those rare moments when you see someone who's usually so put together fall apart. Cameron would never be seen outside his room with his pyjamas on. But here he was. The purple circles under his eyes and disheveled hair.

His head lifted noticing my figure stood across from him. He wiped away a stray tear as he stood quiet not saying anything.

There was no exchange in words because we knew neither of us needed that. He crossed the hall, wrapping his arms around me. My arms immediately came around him as his head came down to rest on top of mine.

Cameron wasn't an affectionate person but by the way his arms squeezed me, it was clear he needed this.

We pulled away after a while, still not saying anything. He gave me a small smile and squeezed my arm before I turned and made my way to the stairs.

When I got outside I wrapped my coat around me, following the small trail into the forest. There was another thirty minutes before it would begin to get dark.

My feet carried me to a familiar bench. The river infront of it frozen solid. The seat covered by snow.

I wiped the bench down before taking a seat, my heart aching as I turned my head to look at the empty seat beside me.

"Okay okay, all seriousness. This year. What do you want?. What is your goal?" I asked him, it took him a minute to respond and when I looked at him he was staring at the stream.

"I want to get straight A's" he said looking at me making me roll my eyes.

"Oh cmon Neil, you always get straight A's. You have to change it up" I said to him as he raised his arms out to the side

"We'll what do you expect me to say?"

"I don't know. What do you really want Neil. Like really want?" I asked him as he stared back at the stream. I didn't think he would answer.

"I want to find myself" he said, turning to me. My eyebrows pulled together while I turned to face him a bit more

"Find yourself?" I asked causing him let out a breath.

"I always follow what father says Phi, I wanna find something I want to do. Myself. My own ambitions my own journey. Not fathers" he said. I smiled, we both went quiet before I looked out  at the stream

"Straight A's seems like a really bad answer now, huh?" I said making him laugh.

"I also want to fix this bench" he said resulting in us bursting out laughing, the bench creaking under us just as I leaned forward. Once we calmed down he turned to me.

"What about you? What do you want this year?" He asked me.

I smiled, thinking for a second "For nothing to change" I said. Neil let out a scoff before he rolled his eyes

"That's worse than straight A's, Sophie" he smiled. I shrugged my shoulders looking at him

"Everything's perfect the way it is now, why would I want to change it?" I asked him

Neil had done what he wanted. He found himself. Let himself live the life he had wanted. I saw the passion he put into that play, he gave it his all and nothing less.

It just wasn't good enough for our father.

My mind went to my parents. The cries of my mother coming back to me and ringing in my ears. My father calling out for Neil. They had lost a child. Their son. Their firstborn.

Then I thought about the boys. The six boys that were left behind.

Cameron. Sure, anyone could tell he and Neil were never that close. But cameron had this admiration towards Neil after he helped Cameron out in trig one day. Cameron and Neil were both on the welton Society candidates together and had a shared understanding through that.

Pitsie. Like Cameron, He and Neil were never very close but they did bounce off each other when it came to certain topics. Pitsie was very quiet the first few months that he came to welton and didnt mix with anyone apart from Meeks. Because Pitts sat behind Neil in english the two grew closer and Pitts began coming to the study groups. It really brought him out of his shell and he always thanked Neil for that.

Meeks. Meeks became apart of the group within the first few weeks. He and Neil clicked the first few days. Whenever they had certain assignments Neil could always count on Meeks to help him out of check over his work. In return, whenever there was a creative element in any assignment, Meeks went to Neil who had no problem giving the boy ideals.

Knox. Him and Neil were roommates for the first two years here at Welton. They began to get close and Knox was invited over a lot as father became friends with his father. They weren't stuck at the hip but the two shared a bond over Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Neil read it a lot when he was younger, it was one of his favourite books. So when he saw Knox reading it one night the two stayed up for hours discussing it.

Charlie. Where do I even start with these two. Since 2 years of age those two were joined at the hip. Was I slightly jealous? Yes. Charlie understood Neil better than Neil understood himself. The two evened each other out. Had I not been Neil's twin I would say those two were the perfect halves of each other. While Charlie was impulsive and loud, Neil thought everything through and was quieter. Charlie was loud for the two of them. Charlie was a troublemaker and Neil was the one who was always getting him out of it. The two shared a room every summer for three weeks when we went to the lake house. In fourteen years, only one summer was missed when Charlie and his family went to France instead. They went to the same school and when Charlie wasnt put sitting beside me in class, he was put beside Neil.

All the boys would miss Neil terrible. They all lost a major part of them.

But Todd? Todd. Todd had lost his person. The person he could rely on. The person he could be completely and utterly himself with. The person he could tell anything and everything to. Who would stay with him if he was sick or wake him up when he was having a nightmare and hold onto him. The person he could laugh uncontrollably with about things only they understood. Neil brought Todd out of his shell. He helped Todd become who he was and Todd knew this. One thing I could only wish was that he wouldn't go back into himself. But Todd helped Neil too. Neil wouldnt of had the courage to go for the play had it not been for Todd. Todd helped Neil become himself.

Neil didn't find himself. He found Todd. Todd was the part that Neil was missing.

"I-I think I love Todd. Its strange Sophie. Its like an invisible pull. Whenever I'm with him I'm so happy and I can be myself, I'm free. Its like I'm on top of the world and nothing can bring me down and I've never felt like this before. Never" he turned to look at me, the smile was so bright on his face it was like sun rays had attacked him.

I sat by the bench for some time more until it began to get dark. Standing from the bench I swiped the snow on the edge, revealing the initials carved into the wood. I traced over them with my finger, vowing that I would fix up this bench. For Neil.

Everything I would do from now on would be for him.

I made my way back to the school slowly as the bells above rang out seven chimes.

The warmth inside the school when I arrived back was nice as I took off my coat and made my way up the stairs.

There was bit more commotion this time as I walked down the hall. Dr Hager came out of his room as I passed. His hand fell onto my shoulder as I turned to look at him.

"I'm very sorry for your loss Sophia. Neil was a good student and will be missed dearly" he said, his voice getting caught up as he sniffled. I smiled and nodded not knowing how to respond. His hand dropped from my shoulder as he cleared his throat. "Sorry" he said turning away and moving towards the corridor.

I turned on the spot and walked towards my room. When I went in, Charlie wasn't in the bed and the bathroom door was closed as the shower ran inside.

I looked towards my bed, the sheets all tangled. I opened the window letting the cold air circulate the stuffy room. I took off my shoes and climbed back into the bed.

After a while, the shower switched off and Charlie came out in new clothes and damp hair.

"You okay? When I woke up you were gone" I shrugged pulling the covers up over my shoulder

"I went for a walk. Had to clear my head" I told him as he nodded, walking towards the bed. 

The bed dipped and his hand came to rest against the side of my face "did you eat?" He asked as I shook my head no "are you hungry?" Once again I shook my head no.

He sighed and stood from the bed "I'm gonna go get some food. You gonna be okay?" I nodded to him as he leaned against the bed, his lips coming down to place a kiss on my forehead.

"You're gonna get through this, Soph" he told me " I love you" he turned and left the room. It now growing increasingly quiet as my eyes drifted closed.

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The next morning, I lay in the bed. I would have gotten up but I felt like I genuinely couldnt. I missed my brother, wishing he would come in and tell Charlie to get out of my bed.

Charlie was awake too and was getting dressed to go down for breakfast, it seemed the only times he left my side was to get food. He sat on the edge of the bed tying his lace

"You gotta come and get some food Soph, you haven't eaten since yesterday" he said sitting up and turning back to face me

"I'm not hungry" I told him. His shoulders deflated as he turned right around

"Soph-" he was interrupted by a knock on my door.

Charlie looked at me and stood up, opening the door. Knox came into the room, his eyes going immediately to me.

"Sophie, Mr. Nolan wants to speak to you" he looked down shoving his hands in his pockets before meeting my eyes again "your fathers here"

Knox left with Charlie as I stood and changed into my navy trousers and white top. I pulled my hair half up and shoved my feet into my shoes before leaving my room.

A few people gave me sympathetic smiles as I made my way to Nolan's office.

The secretary, mrs Reilly, gave me a sad smile before pointing to the office "they're in there dear"

I opened the door to Mr. Nolan's office. My father was sitting there speaking in hushed tones with Mr. Nolan, who stood at my arrival.

"Ms perry" he said making his way around the desk to me "I'm very sorry to hear about your brother" I swallowed the lump in my throat as he continued "I wanted to speak to you yesterday but after some discussion with my colleagues I thought it best to let you grieve" I nodded slightly to him as he looked towards my father

"Tom, ill give you two a minute" Mr. Nolan patted my shoulder as he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

My father cleared his throat before turning to look at me.

"Sophia" he said standing and coming to hug me. I felt stiff in his arms, I didnt put mine around him but he didnt seem to notice as he pulled away

"Neil is coming home today" he told me. I wished it was him coming from from an outing or something, but I knew the next time I would see my brother he would be in a casket surrounded by people who didnt really know him.

"And your mother and I want you home" I didnt say no or yeah. I just stood there staring at the ground.

"We called Mr Nolan yesterday to make sure you were here. If you want to go and get your things were going to be leaving in a few minutes" he told me. I nodded turning towards the door before pulling it open and making my way back towards the rooms.

I gathered my bits and pieces that Id need for the next few days and left the room and a note for Charlie, explaining.

The journey home was silent, the road quiet too. My father pulled into our drive beside another car. I got out of the car, looking at the house, the study window taunting me, Neil's still opened.

My father opened my door for me helping me with my bag as he walked ahead into the house. I took a breath getting to the door as soft voices could be heard from inside.

The house was warm as I stepped inside, hanging up my coat. I made my way further into the house, passing by the open kitchen.

My mother was sat at the table, looking like a shell of herself as two people sat across from her.

My movements must have caught my mothers attention because she stood from the table and came to stand infront of me. She took my face in her hands looking me in the eyes. She looked like she hadn't slept in hours and I couldnt blame her.

She pulled me into a hug her small frame shaking in mine. She pulled back with a sad smile as the two other people stood from their spots.

"Oh, Sophia" the woman said pulling me into a tight hug before releasing me "I'm so sorry for what your going through" she hand holding onto my hands

"Thanks Mrs Overstreet" I said with a hoarse voice. Her husband coming over to shake my hand before he took one look at my face and pulled me into a hug

My father came into the room putting a hand on my shoulder "I've put your bag in your room" I nodded to him as he looked passed me to my mother "Pierce and Eleanor are going to be coming in a bit" he told her.

The names catching my attention, as I looked up to him. "They are going to pick up Charlie first" he continued looking between the three adults.

"Yes, we must pick up Knox too. Mr. Nolan said it was best to leave him for a day to be with his friends" Mr. Overstreet said.

A knock came to the door and my mother put her head in her hands a sob wracking through her body as Mrs Overstreet sat beside her.

Father looked down at me with sadness in his eyes as he moved towards the door.

That was Neil. He was here.

I turned and left the kitchen making my way up to my room as the front door opened. "Mr. Perry, so sorry for your loss" was the last thing I heard as I shut the door to my room.

My room wasnt how I had left it, my bedsheets were changed and a new pair of pyjamas were laid out on the chair. Mother was trying to busy herself.  I didnt bother changing, but kicked off my shoes climbing back into the bed. It was the easiest place to be at the moment.

I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, because it was easier to sleep when you were in pain. You didnt have to feel it.

It had been at least an hour when a car came into our driveway. I had woken up when Mr. and Mrs. Overstreet left and trying to get back asleep hadn't been a success. So I sat there, my eyes trained outside the window, painfully aware of everything that was happening around me

      Three car doors shut outside before the front door to our house was opened and a soft familiar voice comforted my mother.

        Within a few minutes footsteps bounded up the stairs and a soft knock echoed in my room. The door opened and my head turned to look at it. Charlie walked into my room, quietly shutting the door behind him.

      I moved over in the bed as he came and took a seat beside me.

      "Are you okay?" I asked him, my voice quiet almost as if I was afraid id startle him.

       He nodded softly, his arms coming around me and pulling me into his side

         "Are yous staying here tonight?" Whenever they came to visit, the daltons usually stayed in the guest room since they're house was far away.

      He cleared his throat as his arms tightened around me "yeah"

        "Where are you gonna stay?" I asked him, he usually bunked in Neil's room but since everything thats happened I couldn't imagine Charlie was about to spend the night in there.

       "Your mother told me I was staying in here with you. They're gonna make up a bed for me on the floor" he said with his head resting against mine "Im not leaving you" he said with a small smile as I played with a piece of stray string on the duvet

       "Promise?" He moved a bit under me making me look up at him. His face was serious as he looked at me

        "Sophie, I am not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. Im not leaving you" he told me as I nodded "you're gonna be begging me to leave you alone" he said with a smile as he pulled me back into him.

      "You know you're not sleeping on the ground right?"

      "I was hoping you'd say that" he said squeezing me tighter.

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        The house began to clear out late enough. Charlie had went downstairs earlier to get something to eat and came back up with duvet covers and pillows that my mother had given him.

         He made the bed on the ground just in case before climbing in beside me, aside from getting up to brush my teeth and go to the bathroom I hadn't left my room today.

       The house was finally silent as Charlie snored softly beside me. After a little while I moved out of his arms and stepped into my slippers. I slipped out of the room and made my way downstairs

        My feet carried me into the living room where Neil was. I stepped towards the coffin taking in my brothers features.

      He looked so peaceful like he was sleeping, his skin was cold to touch and his cheeks weren't the rosy colour they usually were. I pulled a chair up beside the coffin, and held onto my brothers hand as silence filled the room.

      I sat there for hours not saying anything but holding my brothers hand. When the day began to get bright I stood from my seat leaning over to place a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you Neil"

      I waited for a second looking down at him

"Kisses"

      I left the room and went