"even when you're sleeping, sleeping keep your eyes open"

tara's alarm ringed through the morning darkness. the talk with the girls was good, and helped me a lot i didn't really thought about the incident after that.i opened my phone, and loked at the screen which casting a cold light in the darkened room. i was curled up on my bed.

It was early in the morning, far too early for any good news. when my phone buzzed again, i hesitated before picking it up. i didn't recognize the number, but the message chilled me to the bone. Hey, feeling better after the party?

my breath caught in my throat. i re-read the message, heart pounding. there was no name, no clue as to who it was, but something in my gut told me this was the person who had drugged me. i felt a cold sweat break out on my forehead. Who is this? i typed back, hands trembling. a reply came almost immediately. Just someone who's been thinking about you.

i dropped the phone as if it had burned me. i didn't want to deal with this. but i knew i couldn't ignore it.

i picked up the phone again, my mind racing. i needed to tell someone, but who? my friends had been there for me, they have already helped me a lot and i couldn't be more thankful and i wasn't sure if i wanted to drag them into this.  What do you want? i sent, trying to keep my composure. I just want to talk. You seemed like a lot of fun at the party. Maybe we can meet up again? my stomach turned. i felt like i was going to be sick. how could anyone be so twisted? i wanted to block the number, to report it to the police, to do something – anything – i mean, he drugged me, anyone would do the same. Leave me alone, i replied, hoping that would be the end of it.for a few moments, there was silence. my heart was beating so hard icould hear it in  y ears. then, another buzz.

You don't really want that, do you? I know you had fun.

that was it. i couldn't take it anymore. i blocked the number, my hands shaking violently. i threw the phone on my bed and buried my face in my hands, trying to calm down. the sound of a knock at her door made me jump. "ariana? are you okay?" It was tara. i didn't notice she wasn't in the room. she was always an early bird so it didn'T surprise me much.

i quickly wiped my eyes and tried to steady my voice. "yeah, I'm fine. just woke up." tara opened the door and stepped in, her concern evident. "are you sure? you look really pale." she says as she turns on the light. i forced a smile. "just a bad dream, I guess." tara didn't look convinced but nodded. "okay. If you need to talk or anything, I'm here. you know that, right?" i nodded. "yeah, I know. thanks, tara."

tara gave me a small smile and closed the door gently behind her. i let out a shaky breath, trying to process what had just happened. i knew i couldn't keep this to herself, but i wasn't ready to share it yet. not until i figured out what to do. i instead decided to get up, and get ready for the day. i decided with a random pair of jeans, a t-shirt with a dark red leather jacket.

before classes, me and tara decided to go get a coffee, and breakfast, there was a little coffee shop near the school so it wasn't a long walk and we had time like the sea. i ordered a cappuchino with a croissant, tara did the same. soon, ethan walked in, we told him we'll meet him here. "hi guys" he greeted us "how are you feeling, ariana?" he asked me as he sat down across from us. "i'm alright, thank you ethan" i replied, forcing a smile. ethan frowned but didn't push it. i silently thanked god for this, i appreciate my friends' support even though i felt like i was drowning in my own fears. but i still couldn't bring them into this.

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later that day, while walking to class, my phone buzzed again. my heart skipped a beat. i had blocked the number this morning, but the messages could still come through from other numbers. i reluctantly checked my phone, praying it was just a friend. but it wasn't. blocking me won't help. I'll find a way to talk to you. We have unfinished business.

my blood ran cold. i wanted to throw my phone away, to run and hide. but i knew i couldn't keep running from this. i needed to take control of the situation. but the fear of not being believed, of being blamed, of facing the unknown consequences, paralyzed me.

over the remaining day, the messages kept coming. sometimes they were taunting, reminding me of the party and what had happened. other times they were threatening, hinting at knowing where i was, what i was doing.

saw you in class today. you looked beautiful.

nice outfit. red suits you.

don't ignore me, ariana. you won't like what happens if you do.

i felt trapped, the walls closing in around me. i started avoiding places i would usually go to with ethan or tara. they realised something was bad and i wasnt 'fine' they wanted to go out, to do something but i cancelled the plans. my world was shrinking, the sense of normalcy slipping away.i wanted to tell them so bad but i don't want them to receive texts' like this too. i got back to our shared dorm, tara was in the kitchen, studying with headphones on her ears. i didn't wanted to bother her so i silently walked into my room, curling up into my bed, putting on my headphones, playing taylor swift "i walked through the door with you, the air was cold, but something about it felt like home somehow..." i heard taylor sing into my air. my only escape. i turned on the "do not disturb" setting on my phone, but before i could get the chance to, a message popped up.

I know where your dorm is.

my heart stopped. i looked around my room, suddenly feeling exposed. i closed my curtains, and sat on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. the terror was overwhelming, crushing me. i wanted to scream, but no sound came out. i suddenly saw the door open, i quikly shot my head up. it was tara

"ariana, what's going on? you've been acting strange. stranger than you usually do. you barely talk to us, and you look like you haven't slept in days. you're pale, frightened when someone steps close to you. what's wrong. i'm your best friend. tell me. no buts."

even through my headphone i could still hear her. 

i opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. how could i explain what was going on? how could i tell her i was being stalked by a man who had drugged me?

"please, ari. let us, me. me. help you," tara pleaded. i shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm sorry, tara. I just... I can't talk about it."

tara, sat down next to me, hugging me tightly. "whatever it is, we'll get through it together, okay? just know I'm here for you."

i nodded, unable to speak. the comfort of tara's embrace was both a relief and a reminder of how alone i felt in my fear. i held my phone in my hand, the screen lightning up, revealing what i was listening to. "damn. all too well? you reall are going through it." tara looked at me in disbelief. 

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the messages didn't stop for the remaining for the night. each new one chipped away at my resolve, my sense of safety.  i knew i needed to tell someone, to get help. but every time i picked up my phone to do something, the oh so familiar fear of not being believed, of making things worse, held me back.

i just got out of the shower, did my night routine, on my way to bed.my dnd was still on. i prepared myself for god knows what i received a message that made my blood run cold.

See you soon.

this is getting too out of hand. even if i felt alone, i knew someone i could rely on. God. i prayed, prayed for this to stop. to let this be over with. i couldn't take it anymore.

i felt like i was losing my mind, the constant fear and anxiety eating away at me. i sat on my bed, my fingers interlocked with eachother. phone next to me, tears streaming down mmy face. i wanted to scream, to shout, to make it all stop.

but instead, after i finished my praying i curled up into a ball, my phone clutched to my chest, and cried myself to sleep, the darkness of the room matching the despair in my heart.

CAUSE IN THIS CITYS BARREN COLD, I STILL REMEMBER THE FIRS FALL OF SNOW AND HOW IT GLISTNED AS IT FELL. I REMEMBER IT ALL TOO WELL.

okay not only arian but i'm going through it as well. don't worry i know what did you guys started reading this. for aubrey im guessing. and dont worry you dont have to wait a lot untill you will get scenes with the love birds

thats it, oh and i was at the doctors i dont have asthma but the problem is probably that i grew a lot in a short amount of time and my lungs and my muscles, heart couldn't keep up with it so i supposed to exercise a bit which i don't mind i hate running tho. anyways thats all. bye guys.

love, jules