"You did leave though, didn't you?"

Alone | Sirius Black

word count: 1880

warnings: mentions of abuse, profanities, not a happy ending

a/n: slight warning, this is incredibly angsty and long for absolutely no reason so apologies! This has been in my drafts for so long and I'm only finishing it now, yikes. Somebody needs to cure me of procrastination asap.

Y/n sped down the dark corridor, trying to get back to the common room before he managed to catch up with her again. Sirius had been following her all afternoon and had continued his relentless stalking when she had entered the library for her usual late-night study session. After a while, y/n couldn't hear his loud footsteps behind her and she stopped for a quick breath outside of the great hall. The distance between the library and the Slytherin common room had never felt so long before.

The last thing that she wanted to experience that evening was an argument with Sirius Black. The pair hadn't talked much since their fourth year when the boy was disowned by his parents and had decided that y/n was included in the list of people that were officially shut out of his life. Fortunately for her, y/n was fairly friendly and was known by most of their year so had managed to regain a couple of distant friends by the end of the school year. They weren't Sirius, and she was alone for most of the day, but she thought that it was definitely better than nothing. She did miss him, she wouldn't deny it. He was the first friend that she had made, and they had done everything together. He had deeply understood the relationship between y/n and her parents, as the one that he shared with his own parents was similar in many ways, and they relied on each other for comfort. The only difference was that when Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor and had "gotten out", y/n was placed in Slytherin and had not.

Just as she rounded her fourth right turn, her face collided with a strong, cloak-covered chest, sending her stumbling backward trying to regain her footing. Her eyes widened as she realised that it was the one person she was trying her hardest to get away from. How he had appeared in front of her so quickly, y/n had no idea. She looked up, still deciding if to flee or to hear what he had to say to her. Usually, she would have avoided him like the plague, he had been particularly good at it for the last two years -dodging her in hallways and pretending not to see her when he was with Potter and their other friends- but she was tired and just wanted to go to bed.

As her eyes met Sirius' with hesitation, he sighed in relief and ran a hand over his eyes.

"You need to talk to me, y/n/n, this isn't helping anybody," He looked just as tired as she felt. A fresh wave of anger flashed back through her as he told her what she "needed" to do. Where had his advice and his concern been when she had actually needed it? One of her green-painted fingernails pointed towards his chest in annoyance, where her head had been only moments before.

"Don't call me that, Black, don't you dare." The words came tumbling from her lips, laced with venom. Sirius's eyes widened in shock, not remembering just how angry and spiteful his ex-best-friend could be when she wanted. He hadn't seen this side of her in a while. In fact, he hadn't seen any side of her in a while. Quickly, his arms moved from his sides as he clasped them tightly in front of him.

"Please, please, just hear me out," He pleaded with her stone-cold eyes.

"I don't want your apology, Sirius." Y/n fixed her eyes upon a point to the right of his head, choosing to focus on the empty space instead of the desperation in his eyes. It seemed that they both knew that this was a conversation that should have happened between them years ago, and the pain which y/n felt about the subject had only hardened with time.

"Then what do you want? You've got to let me in, y/n, come on." He was almost begging.

"Right now, what I want most in the entire world, is for you to leave me the hell alone," She spat back at his second attempt.

"You know that I can't do that," He tried to plea with her, seeming to get nowhere in his attempt.

"Sirius please, for once, just listen to me. I don't want your apologies, I don't want to speak to you...I don't even want to see you." She turned around ready to flee from the conversation, but he grabbed her forearm and tugged her back towards where he was standing. If he wanted to air out all of their problems right now, then she would let him know exactly how she felt about the subject.

"I'm sorry, I really am, I should never have left-" He began before y/n quickly cut him off.

"You did. You did leave though, didn't you? Without a second thought, I bet. Who cares about my best friend who was going through hell, is that it? As long as I don't have to see it, it's not happening, right? She can stand a couple of rounds of the cruciatus curse, is that what you thought?" The feeling that she was going to cry was long gone, and now all she felt was anger and bitterness. The words that she had wanted to shout at him for years were finally spilling out.

"That's not what happened! I tried...I tried so hard to talk to them, to let me visit. I thought that I could somehow get you out, take you with me, find a safe place for you. I couldn't...I wasn't strong enough. They wouldn't let me. You know what they're like."

"And when exactly did that analogy disappear, huh? When you became friends with Potter and decided that every walking Slytherin was beneath you, including me? Our parents aren't at Hogwarts, or are they hiding somewhere? No. Last time I checked, Sirius, you haven't done anything to help me for the past three years. Am I not "scum" anymore, is that what you're trying to tell me?" She shrugged, her arms falling helplessly by her sides.

"I never meant those things, I thought that you had changed...I thought that they had finally gotten to you. I thought that I had lost you for good," His clasped hands tightened and y/n could have laughed at how much it resembled a prayer.

"Listen, you don't get to pick and choose when and where you want to care about me. As far as I know, you lost me the day you walked away and left me there. Merlin, Sirius, you knew what they were doing. You knew, and you walked away," Her voice cracked, suddenly overcome with emotion, remembering what she went through during every holiday, and what she would go through in three weeks during the next one.

Sirius could only watch as memories and dreaded anticipation flashed in his old friend's eyes, him too remembering about the holiday that would come sooner rather than later. He just wanted to make it better, make her better but knew that there was nothing he could do. She wasn't his friend anymore, and he was entirely sure that she never would be again.

"Come and stay with me. James would agree if I explained the situation, it would be so much better, for both of us," Even thinking about what y/n's parents would do to her made him cringe with horror. Instead of the surprised or even happy expression that he had expected to appear on her face, she laughed dryly.

"Wow, you're even stupider than I thought you were. You really think that Potter and his perfect little family would welcome me in?" She rolled her eyes, pulling a hand through her hair in frustration.

"Face it, Sirius, I'm not the person I used to be, and neither are you. You think that I'm this person who needs to be saved, and yes, maybe two years ago I did need to be saved but not anymore. I don't need anybody, especially not you. You don't know me, and I don't want you to know me. I won't be abandoned again," Y/n turned around abruptly and left Sirius standing in the middle of the corridor, still trying to come up with ways to fix his actions. Maybe he didn't know much about her anymore, but he wanted to. Trying to get her attention, he continued to shout, not even processing the words he was saying before they came out of his mouth.

"You're a coward! You act like you're all dark and mysterious and "pained" so that people stay away, so that people won't get too close to you. It's not working by the way, not on me anyway," He yelled, his voiced bouncing down the walls to where she had stopped at the first sound of his voice. Her hair whipped around and Sirius caught a glimpse of her tear-stained cheeks as they shone in the candlelight. He winced.

"I'm the coward? Is that meant to be your attempt at a joke? As soon as you buddied up with James and the rest of those twats, you didn't want anything to do with your past life, so you just threw it all away, including me. You wanted to be different so badly that you couldn't see what was right in front of your nose. That's my definition of cowardice!" She decided to shout back. Her voice was strong and clear despite the agony she was feeling and the way that her throat was slowly closing up.

The new-found annoyance that Sirius was feeling was evident on his face. Why couldn't she just accept his help? He didn't want to argue with her, that had never been what he wanted.

"Like what? My amazing parents? Being ignored by my brother? Those stupid dinner parties? You?" He scoffed, immediately regretting it as he watched her face fall and more tears streak down the identical paths on her cheeks.

"If you didn't appreciate my love and friendship back then, you should have told me. Luckily for you, you don't have to put up with it anymore. You know what Sirius? Go and fuck yourself," Her teeth were gritted, her hands balled in tight fists at her sides. For the last time that evening, y/n fled past him at a fast pace, knocking into his shoulder on the way past.

All Sirius could do was watch her leave the hallway which he thought seemed a little bit darker than it had been ten minutes before.