Dazai pov

Tears were falling down the sky again today. The clear blue sky became dark and cloudy in a number of minutes. People around me we're rushing to get something to cover their heads or look for temporary shelter. But me, I slowly walked through the rain, completely drenched. I had no idea where I was headed, disregarding whatever was happening in my surroundings. I just went wherever my feet brought me with only my thoughts. Bumping into people here and there.

But I felt dizzy. I couldn't think straight. I was confused. My chest felt heavy... "What should I do?..." I muttered. It was cold... Of course there's the fact that it's raining cats and dogs right now but, this cold felt different... I feel like there's a hole in my heart. This lonely hole I have in my heart that nothing in this world can fill... The sight of one of my closest friends in my arms...dying was still fresh in my mind.

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Flashback 

(This scene is Odasaku's death. This isn't completely accurate, forgive me but I tried. I just added a few things to it TvT)

 "Odasaku!" I screamed. I ran towards him and picked him up. Sitting down, I held his head up
as he laid on the ground. I gasped as I looked at my hand which held him. Blood... there was blood on my hands where I held him. He was bleeding. "No..." I thought. "You're an idiot, Odasaku." I clenched my hands, shaking. "You're a complete idiot..."

 Another man's body lay in front of us bleeding to death. Or maybe he already was but that didn't matter right now. "Yeah..." he replied. "Why did you go along with what he wanted?" I couldn't hide my emotions through my voice. It was shaky... "There's something I want to tell you." "No! Don't! You might still make it! No, you will make it! So don't talk like-" I know, he's gonna make it! He doesn't need to tell me anything! I'm not ready yet and I never will be! So please...

 Odasaku all of a sudden lifted his hand and planted it on my face, sort of grabbing my hair. "Listen." He said. I gasped, widening my eyes a little. "You told me that you might find a reason to live if you lived in a world of violence and bloodshed." "Yeah, I did." I held him just a little closer. "But who cares what I said now?" I said confused. "You won't find it." I gasped once more. "You must know that already. Whether you're on the side that kills people or saves people, nothing beyond what you expect will appear." My eyes showed everything as he said these words. I was shocked, scared and other emotions I couldn't put into words because I never want to accept this fact and he was right... I already knew this. I feel like crying. "Nothing in this world can fill that lonely hole you have. You will wander the darkness for eternity." 

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"Odasaku... What should I do?..."

"Be on the side that saves people."

 My eyes widened as he said these words that would later on, change my life forever. "If both sides are the same, become a good man. Save the weak, and protect the orphans. Neither good or evil means much to you, I know...but that'd make you a little bit better." For some reason, I stopped shaking and I was a bit more serious and calmer. " How do you know that for sure?" I replied. "Of course I know. I know better than anyone. Because... I am your friend. I want you to be happy, Dazai..." He said warmly. "I see. I'll do that." With his last bits of strength he said his last few words. "People exist to save themselves, huh... How true..." He closed his eyes and let go of me, grabbing the bandages on my face as his hand fell to the ground. I lay him back down on the ground and walked out.

Flashback over

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 His words rang in my ears over and over again. I was calm near the end but, it's all coming back to me now as I walked through the streets of Yokohama, still having no sense of direction nor any idea what to do. He's gone and he's not coming back. His last words to me popped up in my head. " Be on the side that saves people... I want you to be happy, Dazai...''  I remembered. Happy, huh... Then, should I leave the mafia? But I'd have nowhere to go. But there's really nothing special in the mafia. And it's true, no matter which side I'm on, nothing can fill this lonely hole in me. Nothing. Nothing at all.

But for some reason as I thought this, a name popped up in my head. A single name, a single thought. Chuuya... I miss him. As I thought about him, I looked up and noticed a familiar door. I was outside Chuuya's appartment. Why did my feet bring me here?... No. I want to see him again. I want to be with him right now at this very moment. It didn't matter to me if he yelled at me again. I just need to see him... I wanted to see those beautiful sapphire eyes. The sapphire eyes that kept me going.

I knocked on the door 3 times. "Chuuya, please open the door..." I said softly. My voice was shaking again. He probably didn't hear me when I said it. I knocked again. "Chuuya. Please..." I said a little louder this time hoping the short ginger would open the door. I kept knocking until I heard footsteps coming from the other side of the door.

Chuuya pov

It's late in the afternoon and I was wearing a black oversized hoodie listening to the sounds of the rain as it hit against the glass window when I got a call about a fellow mafia member's death. Odasaku's death. But only one person came to mind. Dazai. As far as I know, Odasaku and Dazai were friends for quite some time.

But now, someone kept knocking on my door non stop. What the f*ck? Who is that.?- I opened the door and there stood a taller brunette man with beautiful chocolate eyes wearing a black suit and tie with bandages underneath and on his shoulders was a black trench coat, soaking wet probably from the rain outside.

...

I slammed the door shut right away but it was stopped because of the su!cidal maniacs foot- Damn it. "What the heck do you want you su!cidal maniac??" silence "If you don't need anything, get the f*ck out and leave me alone. I don't have time to waste on your nonsense." I tried closing the door again but his foot was still stopping the door from doing so. I tried kicking his foot but it barely budged. Which got me kind of pissed. "Get your foot out now! If you have nothing to say, leave. I have more important things to do then just talk to you, now move!" I tried kicking it again but failed.

"Chuuya..." He finally said something- But what the heck is wrong with his voice and why does he look like that? He looks awful. He looks like he's seen a ghost or something and he sounds like he's about to cry... Pfft I laughed at the thought. Dazai? Cry? As if. All he ever cared about was dying anyway that su!cidal bastard and all he ever did was complain and annoy me. That waste of bandages doesn't even care about the people around him or himself.

"What the heck do you want, Dazai?" I said in an irritated and impatient voice. He slowly opened the door and slowly let himself in. Then he just stood there looking down at the floor shaking. "Chuuya, what should I do?..." He said in a soft but shaky tone. "What?-" "I don't know what to do." "What the f*ck are you talking about??" "H-he's gone." "What?" 'He's finally gone mad' I thought. I knew what he was talking about but barging into my apartment talking nonsense like this? Ugh. Why did he come to me? What a waste of time. Silence "Odasaku's dead Chuuya!" he yelled.

Dazai pov

I fell to the ground. I was able to hold my tears all the way here so why now? It all came out. I felt my knees hit the ground with a thud. A piercing pain came through my chest and I held it tightly. It hurts. It hurts so much... Is this what it's like to lose someone? What should I do now? Should I follow what Odasaku said? Would I be happier if I left the mafia and saved people?

A thought all of a sudden appeared. What would happen if it was Chuuya instead of Oda who, you know. I cared for Oda as a friend but if it was Chuuya. If it hurts this much from losing a friend, if I ever lost Chuuya... I- I don't think I could live with myself.

I imagined the blood on my hands, Chuuya's blood. I imagined him laying on the ground as I held his head up slightly. His body covered in blood, gasping for air and then slowly closing his eyes and then fading away. I help onto him tightly, holding on to his cold, pale skin. But he slips away and I'm left all alone, in the dark. That lonely hole in me, once more opening up. As I watch the last light of hope flicker away. I screamed and screamed. Holding on to my chest as the pain grew and grew.

I like... no 'I loved Chuuya'. I can't deny that fact any longer. This unrequited love of mine which started the moment I set my eyes on gorgeous sapphire ones. Those sapphire eyes that kept me going that made me want to live. They were mesmerizing... I thought about him non stop ever since that day. But all I got were 3 words. "I hate you." All I was to him was a partner at work and an "annoying mackerel."

But despite that, I really can't imagine a world without him anymore. The thought of even losing him hurts. It feels like I'm burning up from the inside. I feel like I'm being torn apart. This sucks. This really really sucks. Chuuya was my world now, my light, my everything... my love. I can't deny that anymore. But he- he doesn't feel that way...

I cried and cried. I don't know what to do this time. I didn't plan for this. Should I follow the wish of my old friend or stay by the side of the one I love knowing he'd never love me back? How long will I have to keep up this charade? How long do I have to keep pretending to hate and push you away when in truth I've been longing for you. Longing for your warmth... I want to see you smile. A sincere one. I wanna see you happy. But if I leave, maybe these feelings will leave me alone. Maybe I'd be able to let go. But, could I really do that? Could I really just leave him? *Sigh Who was I kidding? He'd probably be the happiest man on earth if I left. Ugh. What should I do?...

Chuuya pov

What on earth is going on right now?- Dazai. The calm collected Dazai. The one who is always 3 steps ahead of everyone. The Dazai who always teases and makes fun of me... My partner in crime, is on the floor of my apartment, crying. "What's gotten into you?? Hey! Are you listening? Can you hear me?" Am I dreaming? Dazai is... he's crying.

I never thought I'd live to see the day where I'd see him cry or show any other emotion. I looked into his eyes. Those eyes that whenever I looked at, that made me feel the warmth that I never felt before during the cold nights. Light and warmth came into my world the moment I saw them.

When I was taken in by the Sheep, I was happy. I felt like I found a place I could call home. I was happy that there were people who cared about me and there were people who could rely on me and even call me their leader. Until the day I was backstabbed by my own friends. The person who took me with him was Dazai and the mafia.

I didn't trust Dazai in the beginning. I mean who would trust a su!cidal maniac who wears bandages everyday who's also part of the Port Mafia and was there when the previous boss passed away. He was a very dangerous man. Anyone could tell that. (Most people at least) But there was something about him that made me want to stay... Made me want to stay close to him. That made me trust him unconditionally. Made me... long for him. Even if it were all lies. I would still believe them. Even the smallest lies like if he complimented me. Even if it was all a lie it still makes me happy even if I don't show it. I never knew why and maybe I'll never find out. That's just the way it was.

In all honesty, I don't hate his company. I've gotten quite used to it and honestly, I look forward to it everyday. I wanna see him. His warm smile and his beautiful chocolate eyes. I wanna hear his cheeky voice. I wondered if he looked forward to seeing me too. If he ever... felt the same way as me.

Every time I look at him, I get lost in those eyes. Those sweet chocolate eyes. I feel like all my fear, anxiety, all my worries just simply fade away. I want to trust him and feel this way all the time. Around him, I never felt like I was alone. Like I can always lean on him. We understand each other the most. "Only a diamond can polish a diamond" came into mind. I wanna feel this warmth and this light, this happiness. I'm tired of this cold dark bitterness. I want to wrap my arms around him and call him mine. I wanted all this light for myself. I wanted to hold him tightly and I never wanted to let go. I wanted to hear him call my name. Just my name. Was I the only one who felt this? Was I the only one who longed for this?... For him?