𝘼𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙋𝙊𝙑:

Lying in bed that night, I stared at the ceiling, my mind running in circles.

Chris had tried to kiss me.

Chris had tried to kiss me.

I turned onto my side, pulling my duvet up to my chin, but no matter how much I tried to push the moment away, it kept replaying in my head. The way he had looked at me. The way he'd leaned in like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like we hadn't just reconnected after four months of silence.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

I shouldn't be surprised. The way we had fallen back into old rhythms today the effortless teasing, the way he made me laugh it almost felt like we had never lost touch. But we had lost touch.

For over a decade.

And then, just when I thought we might actually be able to rebuild something, he went and tried to kiss me.

I groaned, turning onto my back again, staring at the faint glow of the streetlights filtering through my curtains.

It wasn't that I had never thought about kissing Chris Dixon.

There had been a time years ago when I would've done just about anything for him to see me like that. Back in school, when we were inseparable, when he was the funniest, most ridiculous person I knew. When I was a little too aware of how much I liked being around him.

But then I moved away, and that part of my life got left behind.

And now?

Now, we weren't those kids anymore. We weren't the two best friends who ran around the schoolyard, who walked home together, who could talk for hours without running out of things to say.

We were practically strangers.

And yet... today had felt so easy.

Too easy, maybe.

Because if Chris thought we could just jump straight into whatever this thing was between us, like no time had passed then he was wrong.

It had been four months since that night at the wedding. Four months of silence.

I had told myself I wasn't upset when he never messaged. That it didn't mean anything. But maybe, deep down, it had.

And now, one day back in each other's lives, and he thought he could kiss me?

I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

The worst part was, for a split second just one second I had actually thought about it.

I had felt the pull, the same way I had the night of the wedding, when we were drunk and laughing and dancing like we weren't surrounded by hundreds of other people.

But back then, it had been alcohol and nostalgia.

This?

This was real.

And I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

I wasn't sure I wanted that with him.

Not yet. Not when we were still figuring out how to be in each other's lives again.

Because if we rushed this, if we messed it up, then I would lose him all over again.

And I wasn't sure I could handle that twice.

I exhaled deeply, rolling over and reaching for my phone on the nightstand. The screen was dark, no new messages.

I hesitated for a moment, then placed it face down, forcing my eyes shut.

Chris Dixon was back in my life.

But I had to make sure he stayed there the right way.

𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨 𝙋𝙊𝙑:
I had ruined it.

I knew it the second Avery pulled back. The second her brows furrowed, the second she hesitated. The second she said, I don't think we should do this.

Lying in bed, staring at my ceiling, all I could think about was how stupid I had been.

Why the hell did I do that?

We'd only just started talking again, and I'd gone and pushed it too far, too fast. I should've known better. I should've known Avery wouldn't just fall back into whatever this was.

I rolled onto my side, exhaling sharply.

It wasn't like I hadn't liked her for years.

Because I had.

Back in school, when we were kids, it had been so easy. Avery had been my best mate my favorite person, really. She was funny and quick and knew exactly how to keep up with me, no matter how ridiculous I got.

But then she moved away.

And I was pissed.

She didn't even tell me it was happening not properly, anyway. One day, she was just gone. No number, no way to reach her.

And maybe that's why, all those years later, when we ran into each other at that wedding, something in me had snapped.

She was back. After years of nothing, she was right there.

And that night, drunk and laughing, it had been so easy to let it all come back.

Maybe too easy.

Because now? Now I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing I had ruined any shot I could've had with her.

I groaned, rubbing my hands over my face.

It was so dumb.

I should've played it cool. I should've just said goodbye at the door and left it at that.

But no. I had to go and try to kiss her like an idiot.

And now she probably thought I was only here because of that. That I only wanted her in my life if it meant getting something more.

Which wasn't true.

I just... I just wanted her around.

Because the last four months, without her?

They had been shit.

I hadn't realised how much I missed her until I saw her today. Until we were sat on her floor, playing board games and stuffing our faces with Chinese food, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

And for the first time in years, it felt like I had her back.

And then I went and messed it up.

I sighed, grabbing my phone from the nightstand.

No messages.

Not that I expected one. Avery wasn't the type to reach out first.

I thought about texting her something casual, something that would make her laugh. But what was the point? She had been clear. She didn't want this to be that.

And that meant I had two choices.

One: I could let this whole thing die. Leave it at that, pretend we never reconnected, and go back to how things were before.

Or two: I could prove to her that I wasn't just after something romantic.

I could be her friend. Just her friend.

Even if that wasn't what I wanted.

Even if part of me had wanted her since we were kids.

I exhaled, locking my phone and throwing it onto the bed beside me.

Tomorrow, I'd text her. Just something normal, something easy. No pressure. No expectations.

Because if being just her friend was the only way to keep her in my life...

Then I'd take it.

Even if it killed me.