_________________________

Kate opened the locked drawer in her room, it slid open and inside lay everything that was left from the person she loved most in the world.

A onesie, a Polaroid and a positive pregnancy test from the day she found out.

Kate sat anxiously at the table, this wasn't how things were suppose to go. She was suppose to get married then have a baby, yet there she was only a week after her engagement staring at a positive pregnancy test

"Sweetheart I'm home!" Adam called out,

He walked in it the kitchen, kissing the top of his fiancés head

"How was work today?" He asked

Kate licked her dry lips, she turned in the chair and held up the test "I'm pregnant" she uttered.

Adams eyes widened, his mouth gaped open, Kate couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"That's amazing!" He exclaimed,

"It is?" Kate asked "because I'm not so sure"

Adam placed his glass of water on the counter, he walked over and kneeled down in front of kate, he took a reassuring hold of her hands "I know we didn't plan to have kids for a while yet and I know we are still young but we both just tied down stable and secure jobs. It's early but we are ready for this"

"God I'm sorry, I'm suppose to be happy not-.."

"It's perfectly normal to be scared, but Just think, in 9 months we will have a baby, our own baby"

Kates heart warmed at the idea, it wasn't even a year since her best friend gave birth to her niece and Kate fell more in love with maisie every day, now she could do that with a baby of her own.

"I love you" she wrapped her arms around him, wondering how she had gotten so lucky

9 months later and Samuel Patrick Quinn arrived, Kate ended up giving birth without her fiancé, he came back with the news that he lost his job but reassured her of everything; but from the second Adam sat down Kate could smell the familiar scent of mint and beer, a scent she knew all too well but she never asked, she just hoped that someone had spilled a drink on him and prayed he didn't have one himself

The loud sound of a fist against Kate's front door, tore her from her endless thoughts. She quickly closed the drawer and wiped the tears off her face

"It's Eddie, let me in"

Kate walked out of her room, still trying to clean her puffy eyes hoping Eddie wouldn't take notice.

She opened her door just as Eddie was about to knock again. She left it open and walked over to the counter, staring out the small window that looked over the first floor.

"Are you okay, why haven't you been answering your calls- have you been crying?" He asked, noticing her red eyes before she turned away

She turned to face him, leaning her back against the counter "Um no, I just got sick, I think I have a bug or something"

Eddie walked over, the back of his hand landed on Kates forehead before she swatted it away "what are you doing?" She asked

"You don't have a temp"

"I'm not a child Eddie, I don't need you playing dad with Me. I probably ate something bad, I just need to be left alone for the day"

"Have you looked at your phone at all?" He asked

"No I've been sleeping" she lied, knowing she turned it off hours ago.

"Chimney is in hospital with a punctured lung and a lacerated stomach and Maddie's been taken by who we can assume was Doug"

"Bucks been trying to call you, he left with Athena to try and find her"

Kates mouth dropped open, all day she had been crying about herself and didn't even know that everyone else was going through hell today "will he be okay?"

"He's getting a blood transfusion before he can get surgery"

Kate sighed, rubbing her face "look I don't wanna go near the hospital, Incase I give something to someone. It's best if I just stay here"

"Kate chimney needs us, and Buck needs you. You are his girlfriend and right now he could use you"

"I'm sick, okay I've been getting sick all day and I don't think it's a good idea that I go to and make other People sick" she argued, not understanding why Eddie couldn't just leave her alone "you don't believe me do you?"

"No, I've seen you come to work with the flue. I've seen you walk around buildings with glass in your stomach, all of a sudden food poisoning is effecting you"

Kate looked down at her feet "can't you just leave it alone"

"Kate what's going on, I've never seen you like this?" He asked, growing more worried "did something happen with Buck-.."

"No, we're fine." She snapped "do you know what's not fine, this. Okay can you just get out of my apartment and leave me alone because you have no idea how better it would make me feel. Update if something happens with chim and Buck but until then I just want to be alone"

"You're friend is in hospital dying and Buck is out searching for his sister who was taken by her abusive ex husband and you want to be alone, do you realize how selfish you sound" he spat,

He was right. She was being selfish, this happened a year ago, it's not as if it happened yesterday. Why was she wallowing in self pity, everyone needed each other right now.

"You know no noting Eddie, you have no idea what I'm going through"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing" Kate shook her head, "just get out."

"Kate.. talk to me, I'm your friend"

"It's none of you business Eddie, my friend wouldn't have just called me selfish." Kate argued.

"Kate I-..

"God. Get out! Do you not hear me, I'm sick I want to be alone so get the hell out!" Kate yelled.

"What is your problem"

"You wanna know my problem Eddie. A year ago by son was killed and I just wanna be left alone so just get the hell out, tell them I'm sick, tell them about my dead son I don't care. Just get out!"

Eddie felt lost for words, the only thing he did feel was guilt for calling her selfish. "Kate I-

"No" she pointed, shaking her head "no you need to leave, you need to leave now please"

"Kate, we can talk" he offered, taking a few steps closer.

"About what?" Kate asked, "about my dead son and how it happened" she flailed her arms

"I-.."

"Eddie I want to be alone, I want to be alone in my room under my covers so I can act like today isn't today. Please, please respect that" she begged

Although he didn't want to, he respected her wishes, "I'll tell them you are sick, I'll call Buck and tell him too"

With that, Eddie turned and left the apartment feeling more worried then he was before he came. He couldn't begin to imagine what she feeling, it was him and Christopher died.. he'd probably kill himself too.

Kate walked back into her room, she took the small bear from the drawer and brought it to her nose "mr moo" she sobbed quietly

She climbed into her bed, throwing the covers over her body as she sobbed into the bear wishing she could forget this day ever existed.

*

"You have got to be Kidding me!" Kate yelled, slamming down the bottle of captain Morgan that her fiancé did a shit job at hiding

"I'm sorry" is all Adam could say "I thought I was doing okay, I thought I could handle just a few a day"

"You are a fucking alcoholic, you can't handle any of it!" She argued "fine you want to drink yourself stupid go ahead, me and Sam are staying at my mams tonight"

"No don't go, please" he begged "ill try again, I promise"

Kate tugged her arm away, she took her 2 year old son from the high chair and held him against her waste

"Mama, mama" he babbled

"God you are just like your mother. So do me a favour and leave like she did. We'd both be better off"

"What did you say?" Adam narrowed,

"You heard me."

Kate walked towards the door, she heard the sound of a glass smashing. She protected sams head.

Kate turned around, her eyes glossed over "just like your mother"

Kate grabbed the bag she had already packed and stormed out of the house refusing to let her son grow up with that a drunk for a father.

She clipped him into the car seat, he babbled in like we usually did.

"You wanna go see nana?" She asked

"Nana!" He cheered,

She pulled his favorite teddy from her pocket "can't forget mr moo" she played with the bear, she wasn't sure why Sam had named his bear mr moo but she didn't question it.

"Mr moo!" His arms reached our and hugged the bear tightly

Kate smiled at her excited son, no Matter what happened he always made her feel better. He always reminded her of what was important.

The next day she returned, hoping Adam wouldn't be home and if he was she hoped he'd be sleeping off whatever he drank last night.

"Mams gonna get down fresh clothes, then we are gonna go back to Nanas"

She turned into the kitchen, surprised to see that Adam was sat at the table two empty bottles and third open stood on the tables.

"Have you been drinking all night?" She asked, putting Sam into the play chair.

"Yeah, so what" his words slurred

"You are unbelievable, you disgust me" she spat, she grabbed to two empty bottles off the table and threw them in the bin "if you think you are gonna live in my house whilst you drink like that, you are wrong"

"Our house" he corrected

"No! My house, because I pay the bills I do the shopping I do everything and you can't even get off your drunken ass to have a shower!" She yelled,

"Hey I'm looking for a job"

"You've been looking for 2 years! You've done nothing but drink, yeah you stay sober for a few months here and there but we always end up right here!" She argued

He stared at the bottle unresponsive, not really caring what she had to say.

"I won't do it anymore, I'm leaving and when I come back tomorrow it will be to kick your sorry ass out of my house because unlike you I care about Sam and I don't want him around you, or near you." She seethed, she pulled the ring off her finger and threw it on the table "I don't love you anymore Adam, I barely even like you"

Kate turned, she bent down to pick up Sam; the sound of a glass bottle shattering around her caused a Yelp to leave her mouth as she wrapped her arms about the crying baby.

"I am your Partner!" He yelled, he was standing now, his face was red with rage.

Kate stood up straight, her breath staggered as she felt feat towards Adam for the first time since she met him.

"I'm nothing to you, you you hear me."

Adam grabbed her wrist, his hand tightened around the bone.

"Adam, you are hurting Me" Kate said, tugging her arm away

"Good, maybe then you'll listen" his tone was calm, too calm. He wasn't shouting he was merely just talking, he grabbed the bottle with his free hand and gulped the rest of the alcohol, once finished he flung it against the wall "you stupid bitch, you couldn't have just left it to me, I was fine I was handling it until you left. This is your fault, you hear me YOURS!"

Kate flinched as he roared, she had seen this before. How one day the husband turns and that's the beginning to a long road of lies and bruises, but she wouldn't do that, she wouldn't hide from her to please her fiancé.

Kate balled up her fist and swung it towards his face, she felt it collide with his nose he stumbled back letting go of her wrist.

Just as she reached Down she felt her head whip Back by her pony tail, "you will not take my son, he is my child"

Kate held were his hands were gripped, she prayed for help, she prayed for anyone to walk in but no one did.

Everyone was working. No one even knew she was coming here. It was irresponsible of her to bring Sam.

Adam threw her across the room, Kate landed with a cry. It took a few seconds for her to realize what happened but in those seconds Adam had managed to take Sam and run

Things after that had become a blur, she remembered calling 999, she remembered they had a quick conversation asking if she harmed.. and then came the silence.. the silence before she was asked if there was anyone with her.

Kate vaguely remembered dropping her phone, she ran from her House and ran down the long road, she followed the tracks on the road, assuming he couldn't have gotten far. It was when she made a sharp turn she seen a police car and stopped it, she explained who she was and they took her the rest of the way. in a matter of minutes they had reached the scene,

Kate gasped at the sight of the car, the pole looked like it was in the middle of car, the doors hung from the hinges as the car was scrunched up.

Kate ran over to the yellow tape, she noticed as an officer carried something small wrapped in white from the car

"No!" She screamed a sob,

The officer approached Kate, "I'm so sorry, the impact.."

Kate fell to her knees, feeling as if she couldn't breath. Her fist punched against the concrete ground as she gasped for air "no, no" she sobbed loudly.

"no my baby, my son" she retched, feeling the pain tear through her. It was pain she'd never forget, it felt like her heart had actually stopped beating.

*

Kate stared out the window, her eyes stung with tears she had been shedding through the day. Her eyes stung with every blink.

Keys jingled in the door, Kate wiped her eyes and turned around.  Buck walked in, looking exhausted. Reminding Kate just how selfish she was, how could she prioritise herself over someone who needed her more.

"Maddie?"

"She's safe" buck exhaled, "she's in hospital. I'm going back, I just wanted to change."

"What about Doug?"

"She uh.. she killed him"

Kate gulped "oh god.. god I can't even imagine"

"Chimneys okay too. They are both on the mend"

Kate choked back a small cry, "I'm so sorry"

"Oh, hey it's okay. You were sick I understand"

Kates head shook, "no I wasn't. I was fine, perfectly fine.  I should have been there - god I'm so selfish, you needed me today and I-..

"Kate what's going on. You're worrying me" buck walked closer,

"It's been a year since-..fuck" she muttered,
"Oh Kate"

There it was. The soft cushioned voice that she would land on, the voice she had heard from many before.

"Are you okay?" He followed.

"No" she choked. Feeling her lungs burn, "I can't.. I can't, everything.."

"Hey, it's okay Kate"

"No" she pointed, "it's not okay, I'm not okay. My son.. my baby is dead - he's dead and I - .. I forgot the date it happened"

"Kate we have busy lives, days tend to blend into one"

"But not this day. This wasn't suppose to blend.. this day wasn't supposed to -.." Kate choked out a sob "it wasn't supposed to happen, my son is dead and I- I moved I acted like it didn't happen but it did. My own son.. my child - he's.. god I can't - this is-.."

Kate exhaled heavy breaths, she couldn't breathe, everything was hitting her at once, she was worried at Christmas when she wasn't feeling the grief but now - now it all she could feel. The unbearable, nauseating feeling of never holding her child again.

"It's all.. my fault" she sobbed, "he's dead because of me"

"No, no it isn't"

Kate cried, she took in staggered breaths "I-.. brought him that day.. I-I.. I should have-.."

"Okay, come here" Evan took a gentle hold of her arm, he led her to a chair  "focus on me kate, focus on my breaths. In for 4, hold for 4 and exhale for 4"

"I-.. I should have -.. you needed me. And I—..."

"Kate" even held her arms "I don't care about that right now, just breathe. Okay"

Kate nodded, she followed as he did it with her, this was repeated at least 5 times, Kate hadn't felt her grief like this since she heard Sam was dead.

"That's it, breathe" Evan soothed, he'd never experienced this before, not with anyone else. A part of him was terrified, he was sure Kate was going to pass out.

"Please don't leave" Kate whispered, barely.

Buck felt heart stop, "Never" , he wrapped his arms around her and hoped he could hold the pieces together.