[warning: mentions of sensitive topics, use of the f slur]

❁

[ʜᴀʀʀʏ]

Lou had come in to check on me later that night and bring me food. We talked for a little bit about meaningless things before he left.

Now, it was sometime the next morning and I was sitting on the floor, cross-legged, parallel to a fragile looking Lou.

He looked disheveled, almost. He had on black skinny jeans with rips in the knees, a black long-sleeved shirt, his eyes looked tired and his hair was flopped onto his forehead. He pulled his sleeves over his hands, giving himself sweater paws, and making him look much like a small child.

We sat in silence for a while, just looking at each other. I was ready to talk anytime he was, and he was taking his time.

"Okay, I have to get this over with." He started, slowly. "I thought about it a lot last night and I have to get it out."

I nodded, giving him my complete attention. "Take however much time you need."

He took a deep breath, his eyes automatically meeting the floor. "One day, Mark changed. He wouldn't hang out around the girls as much, only me. He would always volunteer to watch me and he started doing things... He would give me compliments and help me get dressed even when I didn't need it."

He paused, looking up at me. I gave him a nod and whispered a quiet "you're doing good, Lou. Keep going."

"One day mom came up to my room and told me that dad was going on a business trip and she was going with him. Mark had volunteered to watch over the girls and I. I was fourteen at the time and couldn't take care of them myself. How was I supposed to get them to school and things like that? So, I said okay. I never mentioned Mark having changed, it didn't seem important, but it was."

He stopped, tears starting to cloud his eyes. He wiped at them, quickly, with his sleeve. He didn't want me to see them. He acted so strong, but I knew this was breaking him down. I scooted closer and put my hand on his knee.

He tensed at first but didn't make a move to stop me as I stroked his knee gently with my thumb.

"Can you keep going for me, Lou? You're doing so well, being so strong."

He gave me a shy, sad, smile. "Haz, I don't know if I can right now."
I nodded, continuing to rub his knee. "That's okay. I'm so proud of you, you did so well." I said, giving him a reassuring smile. "Would you like to talk about anything else? We can get your mind off this."

He shrugged, wiping his eyes one last time before getting up and sitting on the bed, motioning me to sit next to him. I got up and sat beside him. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his knee, gently, causing me to chuckle.

"We would have water fights." He said, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Pardon?"

"The girls and I, we would have water fights. We'd go out in the backyard and grab the hose, first one to it won, and we'd just run around and spray each other for hours. We'd take it from each other and spray whoever we could catch." He said, a full smile starting to take over his features.

"I was the fastest of the bunch, but I'd hardly ever win. I always let the girls win"

I smiled back at him. "That was nice of you."

He shrugged. "I never wanted them to grow up. I grew up too fast, I had to take care of everyone. I didn't want them to have to deal with anything like that. Kids should be kids."

He looked up at me, his big blue eyes looked so innocent.

"They were always so amazing, they were always there for me. They even accepted me when I told them I had a boyfriend for the first time."

"Why wouldn't they?"

"No one else did." He sighed, shaking his head. "I tried to keep it a secret, but he was proud and wanted everyone to know. I was proud, too, but I knew how people would react. He told people, and word got around fast. By the third week everyone in my school knew, and hardly anyone was okay with it.

He was more popular than I was, I took all the crap. I started getting bullied. Notes on my locker that called me all types of horrible names, I got physically hurt, too. There was this one specific group of guys that would pick on me. I never knew why, I had never known them or done anything to them.

Every day, they'd corner me at my locker. They'd pin me to it, they'd kick me, hit me. Anything they wanted to do, they could. I was not only shy, but I was small. I couldn't fight back even if I tried. It kept getting worse and worse. They started shoving me against my locker and kissing me. They said that I liked it because I was gay. They only did it to torture me."

I felt the burn in my throat that you get when you're trying not to cry. I was angry and sad and hurt for him, all at once. I couldn't get my voice all the way out, but I had to ask.

"Did you ever tell anyone?"

He shrugged. "I told my boyfriend, but he told me to ignore them. Kind of hard when they're all around you. It got so bad that we finally broke up in an attempt to make things stop. They didn't but they calmed down. People would only give me weird looks and of course there was whispering sometimes.

The main thing was that those boys left me alone for a while. Every now and then they would push me into something or make me drop my books, but the worst part of it was over."

I didn't know what to say, I couldn't form words. The only thing I could get out was, "I'm so sorry."

He shrugged, "it is what it is. I still had other boyfriends after that, we just never told anyone."

I looked at him in disbelief. "After all of that, you still had boyfriends? You're stronger than me. I wouldn't have dared."

He let out a sad, sarcastic laugh.

"I didn't for a long time, but I couldn't go forever like that. I even tried dating girls, just to fit in. I tried to prove to myself and everyone else that dating him was a mistake, and that I was normal."

"But you went back to boys?"

"Yeah, I knew people knew. I saw the looks increase and there were rumours. The bullying got a bit worse, but not like it was. This time they had no proof, it was all assumption."

"Boyfriends came and went. Each time I got one I would question myself, question if it was worth it. I wanted to stop, I wanted to like girls. I wanted to be normal."

The more he talked, the more my heart broke. I thought of Niall and Liam and how happy they were. They started off so shy and scared, but now they were loud and proud and I couldn't be happier for them. I was about to tell Louis that he should never have had to go through that. I wanted to tell him that what he was feeling was fine and he didn't deserve to feel that.

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. He beat me to it. The last words he said before leaving my speechless for the rest of the night truly made my heart ache and swell.

"I wanted to be normal, Haz.

"But, what do you do, when you can't help who you love?"