-Eliza's POV-

My mind was racing as I continued to walk to my old home... It was hard to believe that Laurie tried to kiss me and I didn't kiss him back no matter how much I wanted to. I just couldn't do it and I couldn't understand why... 

As I turned the corner to walk to the back of my house, the memories that were made here years ago flooded my mind... When the girls and I played tag, when I made flower crowns with Meg, colored a picture with Amy for my mother, watched deer cross the plains behind the backyard with Beth, and when I talked with Jo about her ideas of stories she wanted to write...

I also thought about my mother, when we fixed up the backyard and planted flowers, finding the bench that we would later sit in under the terribly overgrown grass, helping her walk around so she could get exercise, picking flowers with her and talking about how beautiful they were, and laying in the grass as we made shapes out of the clouds...

My heart ached with sadness and I decided to stop thinking about it, there was something I needed to figure out...

The bench still sat there with a large sheet of snow that had settled on it. My mittens had become a little damp as I wiped the snow off and sat down. The cold and crisp air filled my lungs as I relaxed on the bench. My mind wandered back to the reason why I'm here, why I felt the way I felt about Laurie...

I pulled the journal out of my coat pocket and opened it to the glossary. The pages flipped until I landed on the one I was looking for.

Page 32

My Dear Eliza,

Oh my... You're thinking about boys, aren't you? ;)

I softly giggled and continued to read.

Boys can be the best of friends or even be like a brother to you... But on other occasions, they can be something different... Something more than a friend or a brother... They can be a romantic interest...

There are many signs to let you know when you have feelings for someone such as butterflies in your stomach, a warm feeling on your face, instant relaxation and comfort when you're around them, and that feeling you get when they look at you a certain way...

Those, my dear, are just a few signs of romantic attraction...

I remember when I met your father for the first time, I was sixteen and living in the house we are living in now, or were living in for you, with my mother, (She had just gotten sick and would soon pass only a few months later)...

We had gone to church like we always did on Sunday mornings, except this time there was a new family that moved into town. The Jansen's had moved into the empty storefront and owned a hardware store. 

The Jansen family had arrived late to church that morning, so of course, everyone turned in their pews to see who it was... Mrs. Jansen, Mr. Jansen, and Karl Jansen... The family scanned the room for an empty pew to sit in. As their eyes wandered, Karl's laid upon me and I immediately got butterflies in my stomach. Our eye contact broke when his father guided him to the empty pew, but I would have sworn that we locked eyes for over a minute... 

After church, Karl and I started talking while my mother talked to the Jansens about their new store. We talked about school, Concord, and our hobbies...

He was so charming, smart, cunning, mischievous, and loved handy work. He always knew how to make me laugh and cheer me up... Your father was so special to me and we soon fell in love, but I'll cover "Love" on another page...

If your anything like me, you might doubt your feelings, you might be scared, you might feel like you're not ready to feel something like this yet. I felt unsure of everything I felt, my worries, my desires, and the pace of your father's and I's relationship. I was scared about if I was capable of making someone happy and if I should even feel what I was feeling. 

It's ok to feel this way towards someone, it's natural! You just have to trust your gut to lead you down the right path. But if you're not ready, that's ok too, I didn't think I was ready until I sat down with my thoughts and figured out what I wanted...

All in all, If you feel something towards that certain someone, let it happen, your heart will guide you in the right direction. Trust yourself... 

I hope this helped, sweetheart...

Love, Mama <3

I looked down at the handkerchief in my other hand as I began to think...Everything started to make sense, why I was unsure, why I was scared, why I felt like something was missing, why I pulled away from his kiss... 

I felt that way because I miss my mother, I should have taken the time to think about how I feel but instead, I moved forward blindly... Normally, girls talk to their mother about love and romantic feelings, but my mother was gone...

I wanted to talk to her, listen to her, and hear her advice and experiences in person. I wanted her to reassure me about my feelings and explain why I feel them. I wanted to talk to her about Laurie and how wonderful he is, how she felt about him, and her feedback about us. And most of all, I wanted her approval. 

I longed for my mother... I thought I had fully mourned her death, but I suppressed how I felt. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still mourn her...

Silent tears were rolling down my face, I didn't realize it until my cheeks stung from the cold. My head hung as I quietly began to cry, I continued to think about my mother, I just wanted her here, with me... I missed her so much... I was growing up without her and I never realized how much it hurt me until now...

My fingers brushed over the stitching on the handkerchief and my tear-filled eyes were transfixed on her signature... Tears continued to flow down my face until my head shot up at the sudden sound of footsteps crunching in the snow. I wiped my eyes so I could see better, once my hands were away from my face, I jumped at first then I realized who it was. Jo standing in front of me with my handkerchief box in her hand. 

"Oh, Eliza... Were you crying?" Jo asked as she continued to look at my flushed cheeks and red nose... I just nodded then she began to say, "Is this because of Laurie? I swear if he did this to you I'll-" Jo stopped talking as I shook my head, "A little bit, but it's mostly something else..." A single tear ran down my face as Jo took a seat beside me. "Eliza, what is it? " 

"I think I've finally come to terms with my feelings for Laurie... I do see him in a romantic way, I just didn't know if that was ok or not... I feel so lost without my mother, Jo. " I looked at her and her face went from a suttle, surprised look, to a sympathetic one. "I want her here, I want her to explain the way I'm feeling, I want her approval..." Tears once again flowed down my face and I looked at her in the eyes, "Jo, I just want my mama back. " I sobbed as she held me in her arms. 

I finally let out all of my pent emotions as Jo continued to hold me and rub my back. "Eliza, I'm so sorry..." 

After about five more minutes of crying, I calmed down and Jo looked at me. Once things had gone silent, she spoke with regret in her voice, "Please don't hate me for this..." My eyes widened as I asked, "What did you do? " Jo took a deep breath and replied, "Laurie was waiting for me in the living room and he told me what happened... When he said that he tried to kiss you, I let my temper get the best of me. I thought I knew what was best for you and long story short, Laurie and I got into a fight and I told him to 'go home' and 'not to bother coming back'..." 

I was shocked and starting to get angry until I looked into her eyes... I could tell by the way that Jo spoke, her tone, and her facial expressions, she felt guilty about what she did... "Eliza, I'm so sorry..." The cold air filled my lungs once again as I took a deep breath... "I don't hate you, Jo... You were trying to protect me, but next time, can you let me handle my own battles? " Jo looked surprised that I didn't have a bad reaction to what she did and said, "I've never liked the idea of romance, that's why I haven't been there for you as much as I should have..." "No, Jo... I should have talked to you about how I was feeling instead of keeping it all inside... " "I'm sorry." We both said in unison to each other. Jo and I laughed for a moment and stood up together. "Let's promise each other this, we won't hide anything from each other, we will say what we feel, and you'll let me do things myself, deal? " I asked with my pinky held out. " I'll try my best, my darling, Eliza. " Jo said with a smirk as she locked her pinky with mine.

We walked home and the second I stepped foot in the door, everyone except Jo surrounded me. "Eliza! " "Where have you been? " Are you feeling ok? " I nodded and said, "I'm perfectly fine... I just needed to sort something out... " Marmee stepped forward and asked, "Are you sure you fine? We know about what happened... It's ok to feel confused or scared or- " I interrupted with, "I'm sure, Marmee.. I've come to terms with how my feelings towards Laurie..." Everyone was silent with anticipation while they waited for me to answer. "I do have romantic feelings toward him and I'm going to make amends tomorrow. " I said with a large smile on my face, the girls giggled, Hannah clapped, and Marmee smiled at me with a look of approval...

That night, I went to bed early. I was exhausted from the mentally and emotionally taxing day. My mind wandered and I began to think about how I wanted to handle this... When Beth goes to Mr. Laurence's home, I'll accompany her and ask if I can see Laurie so we can talk. I'll tell him that things are ok between us and I want to take everything slow and not immediately begin courting...

After I felt confident in my plan, I drifted off to sleep with hope for the next day...