Word count: 2547

𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐔𝐓𝐄𝐒 later, the four of them were all seated around one of the square tables, tall glasses of beer sitting in front of them. Both Fives were facing each other as Valerie and Luther faced each other, and to say that the tension between the two Fives was high was an understatement.

"Well . . . this is nice, isn't it?" Luther glanced at the two men before looking at Valerie, a nervous smile on his face. "The four of us, together like this."

Valerie gave an enthusiastic nod. "Ye—"

"No," both Fives said simultaneously.

The two of them stared at each other with intense hatred, their gazes hardened and their jaws clenched. They were both leaned forward on the table, not taking their eyes off each other as they breathed heavily.

"Somebody explain to me how it is I'm having a pint of Guinness with my younger self," Adult Five said, his eyes still fixated on the younger (older?) version of himself.

"Older, actually," Teen Five corrected with the same enthusiasm. "I'm you, just fourteen days older."

"I have pubic hair smarter than you," Adult Five scoffed, "How's that possible?"

Valerie and Luther's eyes moved from face to face as they watched the two argue. They shared a brief moment of agitation as they looked at each other before their eyes turned to Teen Five.

"I can explain," Teen Five sighed. "You see, one hour from now, on the grassy knoll, before the president is killed, you break your contract with the Commission. I already know you're thinking about it. All those years in the apocalypse, we never stopped worrying about our family." He glanced over to the girl next to him before continuing, "About Valerie. Well, today, you are going to do something about it. Today, you are going to attempt to time travel forward to 2019. However, you are going to screw up the jump and end up in this twip of a body" —he gestured towards himself— "trapped forever, small."

"I mean," Valerie mumbled, "it's not that bad."

"Okay." Adult Five was sweating profusely at this point, his hands clasped together in front of him. "Even if I was to believe you, what am I supposed to do about it, not jump?"

"No, no. I need you to jump," Teen Five corrected as he shook his head quickly. "If you don't jump, I cease to exist. What I need from you is to jump correctly."

Adult Five nodded nervously, glancing around him as he prompted, "I'm listening."

"The first time through, I got the calculation wrong," Teen Five explained. "That's how I ended up in this body. But now, I know the correct calculation."

Adult Five's eyebrows furrowed as he questioned, "What is it?"

"I'll be glad to tell you" —a cunning smile grew onto Teen Five's face as he leaned forward— "in exchange for that briefcase you're holding under the table."

The two resumed silence once more as they stared at each other, and it was more than clear that this fight wasn't going to be one that they'd win with ease. 

Luther cut in, nodding hesitantly, "Yeah, yeah, so you go back to 2019, as planned, but this time with the right math, so you remain a full-grown man. In exchange, we get that briefcase that you no longer need."

"Timeline restored, paradox resolved," Teen Five continued off him as he nodded slowly, his eyebrows raised. "Everyone goes on existing happily ever after."

Adult Five glanced down at the table, his eyebrows furrowed as he murmured, "That's quite a bit to take in."

Teen Five examined his expression before he tentatively questioned, "What do you think?"

"I think . . ." Adult Five was silent for a few moments before he decided, "I need to piss."

He got up from his seat and bent over, picking up the briefcase that he had been hiding underneath his chair. He then strode towards the bathroom at the back, leaving the three of them at the table.

"Oh. Well, besides the flop sweat" —Valerie picked up a clean napkin and began to dab at the sweat that glistened on Teen Five's forehead— "I think that went pretty well, am I right?"

Teen Five, whose eyes were following the departing man, shook his head wildly. He wrapped his hand around her wrist and pulled it down to stop her as he murmured, "No, no, there's something . . . Something doesn't feel right about this."

"What . . ." Valerie frowned as she rested the napkin back onto the table. "What do you mean?"

"I don't trust him." Teen Five shook his head once more as he pointed to the man who had just entered the bathroom.

"But he's you," Luther pointed out with furrowed eyebrows, turning his eyes away from the bathroom and to the teen.

Teen Five stared at Luther for a moment before his gaze went back to the bathroom door. "Exactly."

"Luther—" Valerie looked towards the man as she raised her eyebrows. "Maybe you should go talk to him."

Luther cocked his head to the side as he questioned, "Now?"

"No, next Monday, maybe just after lunch—yes, now!"

"Okay, okay!" Luther raised his hands in defence as he got up from his spot. He gave them one last glance before he turned to head towards the bathroom.

"So" —Valerie began to twiddle her fingers as she turned to face Teen Five, whose eyes were now locked on Luther's back— "if he gets the calculation right, you're just gonna, what, turn into a grown man?"

Teen Five's attention finally broke away from the bathroom as he turned to her and gave a small shrug. "I'm not sure. Possibly."

She gave a small nod, now putting her full gaze on her twiddling fingers that she had placed in her lap.

Teen Five resumed his gaze on the door, blinking rather quickly as more beads of sweat ran down the side of his face. He noticed her sudden silence, and he glanced over at her before looking back towards the door. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, no . . ." She shook her head before slightly scrunching her nose. "Well, it's just . . ."

His forehead creased as he turned to her and questioned, "What?"

"I guess if it does happen, I'll feel a little weird . . . being with you," she confessed, keeping her bashful expression facing her lap. "You're going to look thirty-eight, and I'm still gonna look . . . seventeen. It'll be strange kissing you and . . . Well, you know, doing other stuff. Unless . . ."

Teen Five's eyebrows furrowed as he tilted his head. "Unless what?"

"I don't know, if you just . . . go with someone who actually looks your age, and I'll just be stuck in this weird place of looking young and being old." Valerie shrugged, a frown settling on her lips. "And staying alone, I guess, since I can't date a young person, but I also can't date an—"

"Val," he cut in, "what are you saying?"

She shook her head quickly as she muttered, "Nothing, no, never mind."

"No, listen." His nervous demeanour faded as he leaned towards her, lifting her chin with his finger. He kissed her gently before murmuring, "I'm not gonna stop being with you because of our looks. Sure, we'll definitely get weird looks, but we know." He shook his head slightly, his voice softening as he used his other hand to itch the side of his neck. "Val, I will never love anyone as much as I love you."

Valerie's eyes fixated on the hand that had just left his neck. "You itched your neck again."

"What?" He straightened up, his cheeks flushing as he protested, "No, I didn't."

"Yeah, you did," she accused, pointing towards him as she leaned forward. "Stage two. Are you thirsty?"

"Val, I was just being sentimental for once, and you're accusing me of this?" he questioned incredulously, wiping the side of his face with the back of his hand.

"Yeah, I love you too, but I saw what I saw—stage two." She folded her arms before leaning backwards, her eyes wide as she pleaded, "Please don't kill me."

"I'm not gonna—shit," he muttered as Adult Five and Luther approached them. He raised his eyebrows as he looked at the two men and asked, "We good?"

"We're good." Luther nodded nervously, watching as both Fives recommenced their staring contest.

"You got a deal," Adult Five said stiffly, his face shiny with sweat. "We gotta hurry. Kennedy's en route. Less than an hour until showtime."

Teen Five narrowed his eyes as he got up, now suspicious as he questioned, "Why are you so anxious to get going all of a sudden?"

"Relax," Adult Five said as he rubbed the bottom of his chin on the shoulder of his blazer. "You're getting paranoid."

"Oh, am I?" Teen Five raised his eyebrows as he shifted uncomfortably, his hand inching towards his neck once more.

Both of them let out a couple of farts, causing Valerie and Luther to look at each other and wrinkle their noses in disgust.

"Okay" —Luther nodded, turning around as he gestured for the others to follow him— "let's roll."

—♫—

Valerie and Teen Five climbed up the staircase to a metal bridge, Luther and Adult Five a few feet in front of them. While the two ahead of them seemed to be doing perfectly fine, Teen Five . . . was not.

"What are you looking at?" he shouted to a woman as they reached the landing of the bridge. The woman—who hadn't even been looking at them in the first place—became startled as her attention drew to him. "See something funny?"

"Five, please," Valerie sighed as she tugged on his arm.

He ignored her as he scratched the back of his neck and continued yelling, "Asshole!" He whipped his head to face a man who passed them and turned around to face him while walking backwards. "Mind your business! Or I'll give you something to stare at." He began to scratch the side of his leg, his scowl only growing worse.

"Five. Five!" Valerie shook his shoulder, causing him to turn back around to face her. "Let's calm down, yeah?" She grabbed the hand that was scratching his side and laced her fingers through his, keeping her grip tight as she pulled him forward.

Although, it was difficult to stop him.

"You wish you could pull off these shorts!"

"Hey." She stopped him, putting her hands on his shoulders as she forced him to face her. "Listen to—Listen to me!" She removed one of her hands from his shoulder and clasped his jaw as she forced the boy who had been glancing all over to face her. "You've gotta tone it down. Or else, one would think that you're suffering from—"

"I'm not, all right? I'm fine," Teen Five said brashly, his nose twitching. "I'm okay."

"Obviously." Valerie rolled her eyes before she implored, "Just stop yelling at people."

She released him, grabbing his hand once more and keeping her grip on him tight as they continued to walk.

Luther had come to a stop as they reached the end of the landing, not following as Adult Five headed down the steps. He joined the other two as they walked towards the staircase, and gave a small nod of greeting.

"Hey, brother," he chuckled nervously as he came to Teen Five's other side. "How you doing?"

Teen Five sighed as they began to descend the metal steps, "He's gonna kill me, isn't he?

Valerie stopped in her tracks, releasing Teen Five's hand as she exclaimed, "He's gonna what?! "

Luther's step faltered but he continued to walk down nonetheless. "What, him? He's gonna kill you? Yeah, right," he laughed nervously. "That's ridiculous."

"You know, you're a terrible liar, Luther," Teen Five seethed. "You're a worse liar than you are a spotter."

"Okay, whose fault is that?" Luther countered as he raised his eyebrows. "What good is having a spotter if you won't even listen to him?"

"So you admit you're conspiring against me?" Teen Five accused. 

"Do . . ." Luther swallowed nervously before continuing, "Do you admit that you're suffering from paradox psychosis?"

"All I'm suffering from" —Teen Five scratched his chest— "is bracing clarity about you and your murderous intentions."

"Look, it's not like he's gonna 'kill you' kill you," Luther tried to reason with a shrug. "He just wants to kill a, um . . . version of you."

"But I am that version of me!" Teen Five exclaimed as they reached the ground.

The three of them began to walk down a road that was lined in cars, following Adult Five.

"Hey, I don't love it, either," Luther sighed, "but he's actually got a pretty good plan."

"What?" Teen Five straightened his blazer before scratching the back of his neck. "The one where you guys off me and then jump to 2019 to save the world?"

"Ye—" Luther paused, his expression growing bewildered as he turned to him and questioned, Wait, how did you know that?"

"Because I'm him" —Teen Five pushed his hair back with one hand, scratching his side with the other— "and that is exactly what I would do if I were trying to kill me!"

"Okay, all I know is we've got one Five too many, and you're the one acting like a maniac."

"Maniac? " Teen Five breathed out as he paused in his step. He walked back to the man's side, boiling with anger. "Luther, you have seen nothing. If you want a maniac," he growled as he leaned towards Luther's side, "I will show you maniac."

"Five," Valerie sighed, though this made no difference.

Luther scrunched his face. "Okay, as your spotter, I think the best thing I can do for you right now is put you out of your misery."

"Okay, Luther, listen." Teen Five grabbed onto Luther's arms, facing him as they both came to a stop. "I know your feeble mind only responds to age and authority, so listen very closely. Yet again, you are experiencing daddy issues, this time with your own brother, which honestly is making me a bit crazy." He itched his stomach as he leaned forward and continued, "But remember this: I'm fourteen days older than him. I have seniority here. So it is me you should be listening to, Luther." He pointed to himself as a crazed smile grew onto his face, and he shouted, "I'm the daddy here!"

"Five, please, you're being unseemly," Valerie sighed, grabbing his hand once more and keeping it locked tightly in hers as they resumed their walking. "Look at you."

"I admit there is a possibility that I may not be in my fully" —he craned his neck as he tried to relieve himself of the itchiness— "right mind right now."

"Okay, good," Luther sighed.

"But whatever I've got" —he pointed towards the adult version of himself— "he's got it too."

"You three quit grab-assing," Adult Five called over his shoulder. "We're here."

They arrived at the corner of a parking lot, which was surrounded by fencing and whose top view was blocked by trees. Adult Five rested his briefcase to the left of him as he got onto the grass and then opened another smaller, brown briefcase. He bent over as he opened it, letting out a few farts, causing Luther to turn to the other two in alarm.

"Flatulence. Stage four."

"See? What's your plan now, bucko?" Teen Five gave him a mocking smile before accidentally letting out a few farts himself. "That was just lunch, all right? Shut up."