[TWs: some swearing, some insecurity, and a whole lot of possibly unrequited love

everyone: you've already written levi pining for light
me: AND YOU'LL SEE ME DO IT AGAIN

bitches be having "sincerely, a lovestruck fool" brainrot. it's me, i'm bitches]

~

True love is always something written about in fairytales. True love's kiss will wake the princess. It's true love that will lift the curse. Everyone worships this idea that true love will save the day. It's usually romantic too.

True love is so weird. For one, why are there little to no stories about true love being platonic? It's always disguised as "the power of friendship" and seen as inferior to "the power of love." Or why can't it be familial? Why can't the hero use self-love to save the day? Where are the stories about that?

Actually, where are the stories that don't treat romance as the end-all? The ones that don't treat romantic love as the thing that makes everything all good in the end. Because... I don't think that's how love works. "Happily ever after," shouldn't exist solely because of a new romance. What even comes after that? Are you really telling me that nothing bad ever happens to that relationship because it's true love? That's bullshit. Or maybe I'm just tired dumbass with too much cynicism towards the world at this point. I don't know. I still think the idea that everyone must have true romantic love is a godawful one though.

Come to think of it, as long as supposed "true love" is a thing wouldn't that mean that false love also exists? Then what's false love? An unhealthy relationship? A relationship that ends with a breakup? What if the breakup was mutual and you go back to being good friends? Is it still false love? What qualifies as true love and what qualifies as false love?

What about what I feel for him right now? Is it true love or false?

Because when I'm with him, the depths of my heart get so tight. It's like I'm melting. I feel something so sweet that it sparkles. But it's not just plain sugar, not just empty calories.

Perhaps it's like caramel? Spun together with sugar, of course, but with cream and other ingredients. Like it's been made to simmer for a while to reach the perfect amount of sweetness. Or maybe it's more like cake? Sugary and fluffy but with variations — mille-feuille, sacher torte, forêt noir, etcetera. All different, but each experience is pure bliss.

Whatever it's like, I always end up wanting more.

My heart warms up whenever I think about Light. I feel like I'm floating. I just want to cherish this feeling and keep it close. When he laughs, it makes me happy and I end up smiling too. Just being able to see him makes my heart feel like it's filling up. And each moment spent hanging out with him is like another piece of candy dropped into an empty candy jar. Every toothy smile he gives me, every giggle, every time we even brush hands on accident. More pieces are dropped into the jar. It's like falling for him further and further. Each piece becomes a piece of my heart. They all twinkle like star fragments. I'm stuck thinking over and over again about how much I love him.

The color of love is a light lavender that sparkles. It makes the color of the world soft and sweet. I can almost forget about my cynicism when he's with me. Would it be a sin if someone like me said I desired him when I can't have him? Not carnally or lustfully, it's like I just want to hold him close and kiss his forehead. I want to put a smile on his face with stupid jokes. I want to hear him ramble about skateboarding tricks and the Krew and see his eyes shine like the stars. I want to build a pillow fort with him and cuddle him in it and never let go. I want to kiss him. Just one kiss would be enough for me. What would that feel like? Are his lips soft? Do they taste like those gummy worms he loves so much? Would it be so sweet that I'd melt?

A single moment where our lips brush, one that doesn't even need any passion behind it. I'd probably die, either from the kiss or how disgusted Light would be by it afterwards. He's straight and yet I fell for him like an idiot out of a three story window. I know it would never work between us but I still have this overwhelming urge to be closer to him. It hurts so much. I can't act on that feeling at all. Honestly, even if he wasn't straight I think I would still be hesitant to do anything. Because he deserves so much better than a lovestruck mess who can barely put himself together every morning.

Light is like the sun, dazzling thousands of miles out of my reach and "lighting" up my world so to say. If he's the sun then I'm a mere rain cloud. All I'd do is obscure his radiance and make everyone else unhappy that he chose someone like me. He deserves someone of equal caliber. Someone who shines just as bright as he does. Another star as bright as the sun. Those exist right? They would live happily ever after while I can only look on from afar. Their shared light would burn an everlasting mark into my retinas as a painful reminder that I can never have him. The sun doesn't need a storm cloud.

But even then I feel guilty using such a metaphor. I don't want to objectify or idolize him. I'm scared to be honest. I don't know what's "right" when it comes to love. Besides, if we were together would he even be happy? As long as I can be with him that's all I really need but what about him? I can't do the same for Light. I don't think I can make his his jar fill up with similar sweet pieces and starry fragments. Like I said before, I'm stupid when dealing with love. I'd hug him and hear him ramble and do all the things I wanted to do while trying to make him happy, but is that enough? It still feels like I would be being selfish. Like I'd drain him from his luminescence and leave him a dim bulb. Where I'd be satisfied being with Light, his jar would probably be empty because I don't know what I should be doing in a relationship. I would rather die than let him be stuck in a relationship that he wouldn't be happy in.

So I'll keep it hidden. I'll try to convince myself that staying by his side is enough. That just hanging out with him as friends is all I need. That we don't need to get any closer than we already are. I'm just an idiot who knows absolutely nothing about true love or false love or any kind of romantic love really.

I wish I could say that I hate him and hate feeling so vulnerable when it comes to loving him. But I can't. I can't bring myself to lie. It should be so easy. It would make me feel better. But I don't want to say it. I've been reduced to a lovesick mess by a pair of purple stained glass windows.

Is it still true love if the other person doesn't feel the same way at all?

-Levi

~

guess what i was rereading as i wrote this /rh

i like the idea that it's rare for levi to fall in love but when he does, he falls like a bowling ball from a three story window <3

also the beginning is literally just something i wrote during my early aro!levi brainrot from when i first joined the fandom. it wasn't supposed to be a diary entry, just levi ranting to alex for some reason idk.