a/n: im sorry i starved y'all! pls forgive me i love u pookies

in the small town of aergan-epharshel, there won't be a day where the sun doesn't beat down on the lush fields of forest green grass. the heat was something that all locals had grown accustomed to- something that they wholeheartedly love in terms of having bountiful harvests all year long. 

it is something that fills someone with warmth, surging through their veins as if the sun was their god's way of embracing them and telling them how much the heavens love their land. the type of heat that makes one feel loved and nurtured- the type that gets the body going.

in the case of boothill, it reminds him of an embrace he's yearning to have.

carmine eyes looked up through the rim of his hat, narrowing at the sight of the blazing ball of fire as he sat on the steps of the sheriff's office. boothill had just finished a job, using his rare break hours to contemplate on life like any person who's about to push mid-twenties. 

despite the thin, airy layers of his clothing- the man still feels the burning warmth from the sun above, lips thinned and curved to a small frown. he clicked his tongue in mild frustration, looking back down at his folded hands that rested on his lap as his mind worked overtime. 

he doesn't know what's gotten to him lately. 

boothill often catches his mind wandering to a certain (h/c) haired girl that was supposed to be locked up in the back of his mind- someone who he shouldn't be distracted over. be it carrying straws of hay, rounding cattle, or helping his dad catch petty thieves- his mind seemed to have the time to think about the city girl whom he caught his heart falling for. 

it's useless, is what he likes to tell himself. 

liking someone who's meant to live miles away from you is like begging the gods to smite you then and there- a tempting sin that even the most devoted of followers are itching to commit. it's similar to drugs, it's addicting- it's not good for you. 

the thought of bearing your heart knowing that once you do, the person it solely beats for will take it with them- far from home, far from you. it's the type of love that shouldn't be even considered love. 

it hurts.

it will undoubtedly break someone in two. 

 which is why boothill had his thoughts everywhere all at once, unable to grasp the heart-shattering reality of his feelings that seemed to have gotten deeper than he had expected. after all, what's the use of confessing when y/n isn't meant to be here in the first place? 

meeting her was by chance, a strike of luck that he hasn't gotten in a while. 

loving her was fate- a predetermined reality that was paved by the gods themselves. 

however, boothill isn't religious. he could care less if the gods gave him someone to finally give his heart to. to him, it was nothing but cruel- to give him someone that wasn't close to him. he is a cautious man, albeit reckless in ways more than one. nevertheless, he isn't going to carelessly let his heart drive off where he can't see. 

yet the underlying thought of 'what if' nagged his conscience. what's there to lose anyway? pride? he has more than enough of that from the moment he was born. self-esteem? that never existed in his being for a long time. 

the man hadn't got a clue. 

what was he so scared about? 

the answer to that is very simple, actually- something that he himself refuses to admit. 

he is scared of getting his heart broken by the same person whom it learned how to beat for. 

if long distance relationships was a sin that tempts even the most disciplined men into committing- she was a person that he was meant to merely look at. a painting from a museum that's meant for the eyes only, the contents of a fantasy romance novel that he can't put into reality. loving her was not meant for those who have weak hearts- because to him, in order to fall into the abyss of romance, he has to plunge a knife straight to his guts. 

she was maddening, making the sanest of man go crazy just by the thought of living a life with her. 

in his eyes- she was an angel from heaven that was sent down to earth over a crime she didn't commit, and he was the devil's devotee meant to guide her back to where she belongs. 

y/n is meant to be where dreams come true, the city of penacony- the city that he doesn't stand a chance against. 

but, since when was boothill ever scared of dirtying the sanctity of the blessed land he stands on? 

he loves her, undoubtedly so. the type of love that's meant to stay in storybooks- the type that a man feels for a woman. with a whole heart, he's willing to give her everything in his possessions just to make her stay- to make himself hers. he knows it will hurt, aware at the fact that his heart will undoubtedly get torn in two trying to attain someone he wasn't born to have. 

if loving her hurts, then he doesn't care a single bit. because he was taught from a young age that there is no love where it does not hurt. otherwise, it wasn't love to begin with. 

the man knows that he could never compare to what waits for her back at the city- but he has something no other person possesses. 

and it was the fact that he's willing to give up anything and everything to be by her side. 

"ya look constipated." carmine eyes met with amused ones, his lips curling to a small scowl as he stared at emma who was standing a few feet away from him. 

he let out a huff of annoyance, narrowing his eyes at her to which she merely laughed in amusement, nudging her head to the side as her smile fell into a more somber one. 

"why weren't ya there earlier?" she asked, causing boothill to hum in confusion as he looked in the direction she looked at, spotting a crowd of people dispersing. 

"what's it to ya? 'm busy workin', unlike yer lazy ass." 

boothill stood up, dusting his pants as he turned around to go back inside the establishment before emma's voice stopped him in his tracks. she sounded annoyed- mildly offended as her hands were on her waist, giving him a pointed glare to which he turned his head to give a glare of his own.

"the fuck ya mean? today was y/n's last day ya ass. she was waitin' for you since this mornin'" 

she didn't give him a chance to respond, nor did she point out the look of bewilderment on the man's face as she walked up to him, handing him an envelope with a small frown on her face. boothill was still stunned, wordlessly taking it from her as he looked down at it with an unreadable expression swirling in his deep carmine irises. 

the paper crumpled lightly at his tight hold, head looking up to see emma walking away. 

"she was supposed to give ya that 'erself, but ya never showed up." 

his heart wrenched painfully- almost as if it was self-destructing as his brows furrowed in desperation. he could hear how loud it was thumping on his chest, trying to get out- trying to run after its rightful owner. 

"w-whaddya mean? she ain't supposed to go home 'til the 5th-" 

"it already is the 5th." 

the sight of her red-rimmed, glossy eyes made his body feel cold. emma has never cried before- hell, he always thought she felt nothing but sheer stupidity and joy all her life. it was a stark contrast to her usual jolly self, one that he's dreading to know the cause. 

the red-head said nothing, looking away as to not bear witness to the future sheriff's look of desperation, hurt, and regret. the sound of her footsteps growing farther gave him a sense of solace, turning back down to stare at the envelope in his hold- unable to smile at the sight of y/n's name written on the lower corner.

it felt as if aergan-epharshel finally welcomed winter by how cold he's feeling, limbs growing numb, feet frozen on the ground as his mind could only think of one thing.

she's gone. 

just as he was finally realizing the depths of his emotions, coming into terms that he undeniably loves her... 

she's gone, and didn't even take his heart along with her. 

a broken chuckle left past his lips, breaking the seal off the envelope as he sat back down on the wooden steps. his hands were understandably shaky, his breath hitching in his throat while taking out the folded piece of paper from inside. 

his first thought was that her handwriting is just as beautiful as she is. her f's were curved, her t's were in cursive, her s's were slanted- giving the letter a hint of her personality as his eyes glossed over the contents. 

'dear boothill, aka, the worst cowboy i've ever met.' 

he didn't know whether to laugh or cry- his lips curving to a smile as he read the header. even on paper, she was still as snarky as she is in real life. 

it's so unfair.

he was the man between them, he's supposed to be giving her everything that she wanted. she shouldn't be trying hard jumping to the sky when he could get the stars for her. she didn't need to lift a finger to get what she wishes for- that's why he exists in the first place. 

so why did she have to be the one leaving her heart behind and not taking his with her? 

'you know, i never thought i'd find someone worth suffering the heat for- be it here or the city. i prefer the house air-conditioned, the streets shaded, the ground cemented. i really am a city girl at heart, but i can't deny how willing i am to dirty my pair of shoes if it means going to the lake with you.' 

the more he reads, the more he feels like crying. there were some words he couldn't understand, yet instead of feeling annoyed that she chose such deep words knowing he hadn't finished school- he was at awe by how smart she was.

 'i'm not here to shit on your town, chill. what i'm trying to say is that, i'm willing to leave the 'city of dreams' as you call it. why should i stay there knowing my dreams have already been answered in the countryside?'

he feels his heart thump a beat too quick, clenching painfully in his chest that it was starting to get harder for him to breathe. with each air his lungs intake, it was like having sharp needles pierce against his organs, cutting his airway as he struggled to keep on reading the already short letter.

'you're probably too dense to understand, so i'll dumb it down for you.' 

boothill had to blink thrice, rubbing his eyes as he held the paper closer to his face, wondering if what he was reading was true or not. the feeling of love and adoration was swelling in his chest, mingling with the feeling of regret and desperation as he clung onto the parchment as if it was his lifeline.

'i like you.'

the dam that was barely holding back his inner thoughts gave away, flooding his very being with an overwhelming sense of emotions all at once. it was too much for him to handle, trying to grasp at least one of them to make sense of anything at the moment. 

he knew loving her hurts, he just didn't expect that it'd hurt this much. 

with a shaky laugh escaping his lips, his vision blurred as he read the last line, letting his hands fall to his knees as he leaned back, covering his face with his hat while letting out a shaky exhale. 

so this is how it feels to finally fall in love. 

"yer so cruel..." 

'see you next summer, cowboy.' 

if the heavens were indeed real, then he'd take back what he said on being a non-believer. he's ready to get on his knees and beg to any god listening to give him one more day- or even an hour, minutes if they'd like. just to give himself some time to return her feelings and not turn this summer into something he'd regret.

"... see ya next summer, y/n." 

heaven does exist. 

but not for him. 

as the afternoon sun shines down on him, his body remains cold, salt running down his face as he willed himself to get it together. there's no time for crying- no time on hopeless wishes. 

what's done is done.

and all he could do is do his best to regret. 

p.s this aint the last chapter !