𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐦𝐦𝐚 / 𝐛𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫

"i mean, it's only been what- two weeks?" she asks me redundantly. everyone knows that bebe didn't just 'forget' the day she got cheated on. she might even remember the exact time. "right." i confirm anyways, after all she's the one painting my nails. "right! so i don't understand why everyone's always like 'girl move on' and 'girl get over it' when they know if it was them they wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning." she rolls her eyes at her own mention of a mysterious figure pressuring her.

i'm guilty of thinking that, but i would never tell bebe such a thing. it's difficult for me to be in a house with the both of them and i can't even begin to assume how it feels to be in bebe's shoes. probably pretty shitty. and for the most part her outbursts are mild anyways, and any reaction towards either clyde or wendy is to be expected. bebe was never really one to forgive and forget. but despite that, i'd be shocked if anyone moved past her situation forgivingly- even mother teresa.

"if i wasn't on this stupid island, i would've had myself a rebound already. clyde wasn't anything special anyways." bebe lies through her teeth, focusing intently on perfecting her polishing job to avoid my observant eyes. "it's still okay to be hurt by it, you know? yeah he's a dick and whatever, but he was your boyfriend. and you loved eachother." she looks up at me from her bowed head, her mouth slightly agape as she processes my words.

"whatever, fuck that bitch." she looks down again, shaking her head. "let's go have some fun with some way cuter guys." she suggests to me, but it's not really a suggestion, rather she's telling me what we're going to do. "we have a pretty limited selection." i remind her. "whatever there's.."

she finishes up on my nails before starting to paint her own, and continuing speaking.

"at least one you like!" she breaks out into an excited smile; beaming up at me as she briefly lifts her head. "if you could go on a date with any guy on island, who would you choose?" she asks me. this is a hard question!

my mind runs through a short list of the guys on the island. jimmy, barely know him. butters, ehh.. too young-ish? tweek, gay. tolkien, basically married. and the thought of going out with clyde makes my stomach churn.

then there's the actual guys i would possibly take out on a little date. just a tiny one.

craig, stan, kenny, kyle.

it's crazy how i have the whole trio in there! and then craig. if southpark is good for anything, it's creating some fine men. and i'll never complain about that.

"well, who would you go out with?" i ask her in rebuttal. her answer will narrow down my selection at least? but the early bird gets the worm. or, best-most-handsomest date. i study her features as she pauses; soft sunlight bleeds through the thin curtains, casting a golden glow on bebe's curly, already golden, hair. "oh i don't know.." she stalls for an extremely short moment, "kenny." she giggles, and i join her.

there's something so sweetly childish about talking with your bestfriends on your bed about the most meaningless things in life. i don't think i'll ever enjoy life more than i do right now; as a teenager on a fluffy bedspread.

but hearing her say kenny upsets me more than i thought it would. i wouldn't have minded if she said kyle, or stan really. that would be something interesting! but kenny? i don't know. there's something different about him. although, i wouldn't be surprised if everyone in southpark feels like this about him. he has a way of making everyone feel special, heard, and beautiful. everything everyone would ever want from someone, with cherries on top. and silver piercings. and a flirtatious tenacity that makes your mother scowl. ugh. you snooze you lose i guess.

"i think maybe craig? i don't know? i mean, he was just out with heidi." i quickly add remembering that bebe has recently adopted a low tolerance for any 'extracurricular' behavior towards non-single people. i completely forgot about craig and heidi's little date! and they were pretty close together at chef's place too. "oh girl, don't worry about that- they don't work. he's to, like, prickly? it's just weird. and, craig is clearly not interested." she kisses her teeth as she pauses to think for the correct way to describe him.

me personally, i think attractive sums him up just fine.

"i don't know, heidi seemed excited about him." i admire my garnet nails as i talk, slowly recalling a past conversation spent with heidi about the whole vegan-macaroni-gate. "well, you know she's always calling her mystery man every night anyways." bebe comments nonchalantly, as if this isn't news to me. "what?" i say, shocked. mystery man?

"oh yeah! she's constantly on the phone with someone. and it's not red. me personally, i think she's messing with kyle again. or maybe that old freak.. what was his name again?" bebe squints as she tries to recall the name of one of heidi's previous, older, boyfriends. she has a thing for sickening age gaps with super-seniors.

"kyle?" well my dates are falling apart before my eyes. heidi can't have craig and kyle, leave some for the rest of us! jesus. "oh yeah. i mean- they're kind of cute together. aren't they?"

i'm still unsure if i like kyle or not, but i also feel like it's a non-issue. why should i dwell on how i feel about him instead of just enjoying our time together? it is all temporary anyways. i could rummage through his sentences and thoughtful glances all night (and i do), tearing through each minsicule gesture for meaning, but it does not clarify much more than what i already know. kyle likes me, and i am most comfortable in my state of relationship-limbo.

will we or won't we? and who cares either way?

she stares pointedly into my eyes with an intensity that makes me fear she might be able to read my thoughts. 'blink twice if you can hear me' my inner voice shouts.

she blinks once and looks down to finish painting her nails with as much concentrated precision as possible. they're the same color as mine. do you think our nails will remember this, months after we've departed the island? a small remaining chip of burgundy on our grown-out nails as a signal of our togetherness in weeks before; will we even remember?

well, i think we will probably re-paint them next week anyways.

"okay, now who would you go out with, if not craig? stan?" her full, pink, lips part to reveal her perfectly aligned teeth as she smiles at me. she does a whitening treatment twice a week, and it certainly pays off. "no, i've seen enough of him for the week. maybe even a month." i respond truthfully. mostly.

"alright, then who!" she stresses, tired of my half-answers. how am i supposed to give her a clear answer when i can't conceive one true enough for myself to hear?

if bebe wants kenny, then there's stan, kyle, and craig. wendy would get mad about stan, and kyle is a bitch (undecidedly). craig is a confirmed dick to those around him, but he's nice to me. in his own strange way.

i lightly scratch at the wrappings on my hand, mostly out of habit. they don't itch anymore. "i guess craig is kind of it, if heidi doesn't care." i know she cares at least a little bit, if two nights ago was any evidence. "trust me. it's not going to work between them." she lifts her hands to show me her freshly painted hands, the same colour as mine. her signature silver ring sparkles on her right hand. she only wears it when she decides to wear silver jewelry, which is 90% of the time. 

"let's do it then. double date tomorrow?" she asks (tells) me. i'm not sure i want to do this. i like being single, it's freeing. i don't understand the benefit of having a boyfriend honestly; everything is so much less complicated as friends. and so much more fun as simple flirting. craig gets that. i fear that kyle does not.

"sure, bebe." i agree, relenting my day to her pleasure. what did i have to do anyways? groceries? those can wait another two weeks.

"i can't wait! now, can you get me a sprite?" she turns parallel with the bed then drops into her thick comforter, outstretching her arms against the king-sized mattress. she doesn't bother opening her eyes again to watch me leave.

as i descend down the stairs all i can think about is the future. is going on a date with craig labeling our relationship something it isn't- a talking stage? or will he understand it is a friendly outgoing. is it though? distorted visions of craig appear behind my eyes and in the reflection of the stainless steel fridge as my thoughts craze.

i don't bother blinking them away.

"hey y/n?" wendy half-greets from the living room. "yeah it's me." i respond, rifling through the bare fridge for bebe's sprite. you think the lack of items would make it easier to find the few stragglers left behind, but the twenty compartments and bebe's affinity for hiding everything she owns make it harder than it should be.

"what are you looking for?" she asks, appearing behind me. "a sprite. bebe wants one." i mentally groan for mentioning bebe to her. i turn around to face her, hoping my eyes hold a sufficient enough apology. wendy's dark eyes are neutral to my words and nothing else in her expression tells me she's affected. "she used to keep them in the back of the crisper drawer." she leaves silently as i retrieve the cold sprite.

my fingers begin to freeze as i clutch the icy can, momentarily forgetting why i even grabbed it. bebe. i go back upstairs, recalling the last time us three had a sleepover.

between wendy's different after-school events and clubs she organized, and bebe's track practice, we hadn't had an opportunity to hang out together until mid-may (the southpark cows didn't make state) after bebe's party over spring break. it was only about a month ago now but it feels ages away. we all laughed as i told them about making out with stephen tamill two weeks beforehand- he was just okay. but i distinctly remember bebe saying 'god. sometimes i wish i was single, but every guy in southpark is just a douchebag!' wendy agreed with her, 'we got the two good ones'. it all seems very ironic now to me.

i return to bebe's room, "here's your sprite." i say. she rolls back over and takes it hastily, popping open the can and groaning as the condensation wets her hands. i debate telling her how i found it, but i can't see the benifet in doing so. "thanks babe. you can go now." she excuses me like i'm her butler, but i oblige despite it.

with the freedom my glorious leader has so gracefully and kindly bestowed upon me, i meet wendy and heidi in the living room. netflix serves as background to their conversation, the voices of married assassins brad pitt and angelina jolie, layered underneath their own excited ones. they pause and look over at me briefly when i sit down on the couch opposite them.

"hey y/n." heidi chirps. wendy just stares at me, a weak smile pulls at the corners of her lips to make herself look personable. they slowly morph their frigid looks back into their previously lively chat when i turn my attention to my phone. strange girls.

i tap through nichole's endless story on instagram, full to the brim of photos of her and tolkien within the last two weeks. and sunsets. short clips from a frank ocean song run through the back on a loop as i stall on a particular post.

it's all of us- me, wendy, nichole, bebe, heidi- in tolkiens yacht. we're huddled into the tight booths. bebe's shiny blonde curls rest against wendy's shoulder, her ebony hair braided neatly down her back. nichole's goddess braids (that she got done the week before) are pulled into a bun with a few stray curled ends poking out. i'm sat next to heidi on the other side of the table, who awkwardly puts a thumbs up everytime she's in frame of a camera. sleek white seats contrast to our wide smiles and rosy cheeks, red from delirious laughter. i don't remember what the joke was, but i remember that was the last time that bebe and wendy were happily cuddled around eachother like that.

a message from craig's pulls me out of my reminiscing, which is funny because earlier my thoughts lapped around him too.

c: what are you doing tomorrow
y: what are YOU doing tomorrow
c: depends what you're doing
c: what do you think about going to the polly hill arboretum
y: to the what????

c: it's a garden
y: sure, what time?
c: 10:30? i'll meet you outside your house at 9-something
y: that works for me!!
c: okay
c: see you tomorrow

you know, i never liked group projects anyways. everything's better in a pair.