request: can I request one w billie x reader, where the reader struggles w/ a eating disorder and/or self image bc she thinks she doesn't look "pretty" enough to be w billie and just wants to be enough for billie

trigger warning: talk of eating disorders.

note: im not romanticizing eating disorders in any way. i use my own experiences to write the things i write. these are just fics that i find comfort in :).

• • •

billie noticed the change in your mood, but she didn't comment on it, assuming it would resolve itself. but weeks into your difference of state, billie dean had to say something because she also began to see a rapid loss of weight coming from your body.

you were laying in bed facing away from her as she finger brushed your hair. billie hummed softly in your ear, trying to get you to relax as much as possible. and it worked, seeing as you were almost asleep.

"sweetheart?" billie called softly.

"hm?"

"can you face me? i need to talk to you about something." your anxiety shot up at the request, but you listened to your lover.

"what's wrong?" billie frowned, "i should be asking you that question."

"what do you mean, billie?"

she gave you a soft smile and leaned her head in closer to yours. "you've been off lately. what's going on? talk to me baby."

you couldn't possibly even begin to tell her about how you felt. how she was this amazing, beautiful woman and you were absolutely nothing compared to her.

"i'm fine billie dean, just tired is all." you reassured. billie bit her lip before saying anything else. "you've lost weight..."

"no i haven't billie, you're worrying over nothing." you tried your best to not let your voice shake, to maintain eye contact so she would believe you, and to sound as truthful as you could make her believe.

"you just look thinner is all, and i'm worried about you sweetheart. i haven't seen you eat much these days..." her voice trailed off,.

"i'm fine, billie. now go to bed." you huffed and flipped back over.

your throat stung as tears formed in your eyes. even now you still felt like you would never be good enough for her. billie dean howard was a special kind of beauty, one that anyone would rarely ever find. it baffled you everyday at how she stayed with you. you were nowhere near what she was to you.

and so that's how it all started. about a month ago you began dieting, hoping that it would make you feel a little bit better about yourself. but the problem was you were already small to begin with, so it was very noticeable to billie that you'd lost weight.

another week and a half passed before billie brought up the matter again. this week seemed to be one of the worst, as you were quick to snap at her and shy away from any kind of vulnerability she tried to get from you. you seemed to always have some kind of excuse to be away from her, and quite frankly she was tired of it. billie needed to know what was going on and she needed to know now.

by now billie had caught on to a few of your tricks. she began to see right through you and the act you pulled together. when it was clear as day that she was beginning to see more and more of your bones poke through, that's when she finally decided enough was enough.

she waited patiently until you came home, already having a plan set in mind. billie spent most of her day calling multiple doctors and therapists in town to see if they'd be willing to take you, and of course they would. it was billie dean howard, god forbid anyone get in the way of the care she has for her loved ones.

you huffed and set your keys down by the door, running your hands through your hair. you grimaced as a small clump of it stuck between your fingers. walking in, the first thing that caught your eye was billie sitting cross legged at the dining room table.

"something the matter?"

"yeah, there is actually. come sit." she padded the empty seat next to her and despite the uneasy feeling in your stomach, you obeyed.

"i know what you've been doing to yourself."

you froze.

"it's okay baby doll, i'm here now. you don't have to hide anymore."

you vehemently shook your head, but billie cupped your chin while grabbing ahold of your hand so you weren't able to get up. "won't you talk to me, sweet girl? tell me what's going on? why you've been doing this to yourself?" she wiped the tears falling down your face and kissed your forehead.

"i just- you're so amazing and talented and all these wonderful things. and, well, i'm the complete opposite, billie. i'm gross and revolting, and it makes me hate myself so much."

billie kept quiet, letting you ramble on as much as you needed to.

"so i took it upon myself to fix it. and if missing a few meals here and there meant i was doing right, then it didn't matter to me. just as long as i could be good enough for you."

she pulled you in close as soon as those words slipped out of your mouth. you let billie smother you in kisses, knowing it was her way of trying to make both you and her feel better - though it was more for her sake.

"you're so wrong about everything, y/n. you're so much more than good enough for me. you're so beautiful and kind. you're so much more than you let yourself believe. i love you. i love everything about you, sweetheart." you shook your head to protest, but she stopped you.

"yes, it's true. you know i wouldn't say it if it wasn't true, right?"

it was a moment before you nodded, but you knew she was right. billie dean howard never did anything that wasn't beneficiary. she never said anything she didn't mean, because billie always had a reason for her words.

"say it honey, please?"

you hesitated, "right."

"okay then... i've called some people and they're here to help. i wouldn't do this if i didn't think it was necessary."

you hummed in the crook of her neck, accepting what the future was to hold. part of you numbed out what you could, but the rest of you stayed in fear.

billie didn't want to let you go, ever. especially not now when you'd finally told her what dark thoughts were running through your mind. all she wanted to do was protect you, but she knew you had to fight this yourself. billie couldn't do the work for you, but she would be more than happy to be by your side all the way through.