Later we all somehow went from being outside, so watching Negan shave and then to making spaghetti.. He seemed to be enjoying himself, but Carl and I clearly wasn't. The only thing keeping me from drowning Negan in his pot of spaghetti was because of Judith in my arms.

I was bouncing her in my arms calmly, and she seemed to be oblivious about what was going on. Her innocent eyes glistened, they were same colour as her brother which made be smile a little bit at her cuteness. I can't wait for when she's older, a mini Carl would be awesome to see. I can't wait to see how much the Grimes family will grow and I'll be there with them too.

A short time later it was time to sit and eat, unfortunately. I was sat near the window in hopes of Rick showing up but he didn't. All I could see was some of Negan's men waiting outside with guns.

Olivia was making the lemonade in the kitchen, she offered to take Judith but I insisted on keep her with me so she wasn't out of my sight. I wouldn't want Negan wriggling through everything and try to take her away. I joined Negan and Carl at the dinner table, I sat in a seat opposite Carl and Judith in my lap who was almost half asleep.

Negan was fed up of waiting so he immediately tucked in, I wasn't sure whether to eat or not. After our trip today I had suddenly lost my appetite. Things were interrupted when a male voice was heard from outside.

We went to the window, it was Spencer, almost arguing to be let in with the women outside the house. "Can I go inside?" Spencer asked, but she responded with a firm "No."

"Don't be an asshole Arat. Let the man pass." Negan said and stepped out onto the porch but Carl and I stayed inside. I have Spencer a death glare, whatever he was trying to do won't be good. He knew Negan is bad news and all of a sudden he wants to have a civil chat with him? I don't think so.

"Oh crap. Is that for me?" Negan asked about the bottle of whiskey Spencer had brought.

"We haven't officially met. I'm Spencer Monroe. Hi." He introduced himself with his stupid grin.

"Wanna have a drink little Dixon? Your daddy ain't here to stop ya'." Negan said to me but I scoffed and walked back into the house with a sleeping Judith in my arms. "I'll take this one to sleep." I said and Carl nodded and thanked me.

"Sleepy time, Judy." I steadied her down, trying not to wake her. "Love you.."

I went back downstairs quietly and then I saw from the window that Negan and Spencer went from  talking for a while on the rocking chairs and suddenly got up and ended up playing a game of pool in the middle of the street. I decided to go outside and have a look, replacing their spots on the porch.

A few Alexandrians made a crowd and stood in the road, watching what was going on. Saviours were milling around with their guns out, as if they were public figures under guard and being escorted to a social event. People watched in interest and created more of a gather.

I remained on the porch with Carl and Olivia. I was luckily still in earshot of Spencer to hear what he was saying.

"I get what you're trying to do here," Spencer said. "What you're trying to build. I'm not saying I agree with your methods, but I get it. You're building a network. You're making people contribute for the greater good. It makes sense. But you should know that Rick Grimes has a history of not working well with others."

Nevan casually slid the cue stick across the table and knocked osome balls around but didn't look at Spencer. "Is that so?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed heavily. What on Earth was he getting at?

"What's his angle here this time?" Carl leaned over and whispered.

"I dunno," I whispered back. "But it's a shirty one."

My fists kept clenching and unfolding methodically, my nails carving deep into me palms against the wood. Carl could tell I was annoyed at Spencer casually talking with Negan as if he was an innocent guy.

"He'll be gone soon, I'm sure he's had his fun." Carl tried to comfort me to the best of his ability, although I shook my head under his gaze. While Rick away gone, Negan would only stay.

"They'll never be gone." I shook in disgust.

Negan sipped his drink and looked at Spencer curiously. It was like he was considering something. You could almost see the cogs turning in his head and brewing up a plan in his brain. But the line between his expressions was too blurred to reveal if he was angry or considerate.

"I am my mother's son," Spencer announced. "I can be the leader she was. That's what this place needs. That's what you need."

Negan grinned and looked at Spencer analytically. "So I should put you in charge? That's what you're saying?"

"We'd be much better off." Spencer said to Negan, who turned around to me for a second with a sly grin.

"That son of a bitch." I muttered.

Negan shook his head and went to play another turn whilst glancing at Spencer every so often from the corner of his eye. "So, let me get this straight: you waited for Rick to be gone so you could sneak over here and talk to me, and get me to do your dirty work so you could take Rick's place? If you want to take over, why not just kill Rick yourself and just take over?"

"What?" Spencer looked suddenly panicked. "No, no, I didn't- I don't"

"Oh god, here we go.." I quietly freaked. I could sort of think of what could happen next. Spencer knew Negan was onto him.

"You know what I'm thinking? 'Cause I have a guess." Negan asked slowly and lowered his voice. "It's because you got no guts."

He pulled a knife from his belt and drove it deep into Spencer's abdomen, causing everyone to gasp. Olivia gulped and Carl grabbed my hand. Everyone surrounding the scene was also shocked. The blade ripped across his stomach, opening up his body for blood to pour out, as well as his own intestines that tumbled into his shaking hands. His guts. Negan stepped back, Spencer fell to his knees with a groan and then collapsed onto the ground, staring at his own insides in his hands in shock.

"Ohh, how embarrassing," Negan drawled as he began to pace, flicking his knife clean of blood. "There they are. They were inside you the whole time. You did have guts! I've never been so wrong in my whole fucking life!"

The onlookers watched, stunned and barely breathed as Negan wiped his blood hsnd on his white shirt and picked Lucille up again.

I guess that's one way to do it..

"Now, someone oughta get up here and clean this mess up." Negan faced the crowed that was originally watching his play pool. But they didn't budge or say anything, even when he pointed his bat at them

"Anyone wanna finish the game? C'mon. Anybody? Come on, I was winning!"

Suddenly, Rosita moved forward. Taking a gun out her waistband in the process. "Rosita!" I yelled out. Instead of the bullet hitting Negan, it hit Lucille instead.

"Shit!" Negan yelled. "What the shit!"

He lowered his bat to show a fresh bullet buried deep into the wood between the barbed wire. Rosita's face dropped as soon as she realised she had missed her target.

Arat tackled her to the ground roughly. "Shit! You just tried to kill me! You shot Lucille!" Negan yelled on a new kind of rage the Alexandrians have never seen before while Arat held up a knife to Rosita's throat.

"She got in the way." She spat.

This won't end well..

He paced, angrily swinging his hat and fuming with angry be didn't contain. He picked up the shell casing and held it up.

"What is this? This little bad not is made from scratch. Look at those crimps! This was homemade." Negan admired. "You may be stupid darlin', but you showed some real ingenuity here. Arat, move that knife up out on that girl's face. Lucille's beautiful, smooth surface is never gonna look the same. So why should yours?!"

I briefly shut my eyes and tried to steady my breathing, fully aware that the Saviours' guns were pointed at everyone including myself and Carl. I thought I could trust Rosita. I trusted that she wouldn't do something this stupid.

"Unless you tell me who made this." Negan said, quieter but nowhere near calm.

"It was me." She lied confidently. "I made it." Negan turned to me curiously. I had no clue whether she made it or not, but a part of me didn't think she did. All I could do was shrug my shoulders.

"You see, now I just think you're lying. You lying to me now? Such a shame. Arat's gonna have to cut up that pretty face. One more try." Negan stated.

"It was me." Rosita declares and lifted her head up from the ground a bit. The knife sliced across Rosita's cheek, cutting into the skin and blood trickles out. "Oh! You are such a badass! Not as good as little dixon of course." Blood ran down her face and the knife was placed back on her throat.

"Okay. Fine. Have it your way. Arat, kill somebody." Negan ordered. Without hesitation, Arat got up with her gun in hand. "No! It was me!" Rosita yelled but nothing she said stopped Arat in her tracks.

Arat turned around to the porch we were stood on, Carl grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled us both down to avoid the shot. But then...the bullet hit Olivia. "No..no no no." I said panickly and moved over to Olivia's side. She was gone.. dead before she even hit the ground but the forced of the bullet also shattered her glasses.

I could hold back the gasp of shock that left my body, leaning over her body as her face paled. Carl came to my side to try to get me to stand back up. I gripped onto his arm and we both stood back up to gave Negan. "Dad?" Carl whispered whilst looking off to the side.

Rick was there a moment later, supporting a bloody and bruised Aaron over his shoulder.

"We had an agreement!" Rick yelled.

"Rick!" Negan shouted hoarsely. "Look everybody, it's Rick! Ah, you people are making me lose my voice doin' all this yelling."

Rick gazed around at everyone in shock, eyes wide, dripping with sweat, seeing Spencer's body soaked in blood on the street.

"Rick..." Negan said slowly. "How about a 'thank you'? I mean, look I know how we started this relationship with me beating the holy shit out of your friends and traumatising you and little dixon, and because of that we're never gonna sit around and braid each others hair or share our deepest, darkest secrets, but how about a little credit? I just bent over backwards to show you how reasonable I am. Your kid and dixon - they hid in one of my trucks, machine-gunned a bunch of my men down, and I brought them both home, safe and sound, and I fed them spaghetti." Rick turned around to face us both with a look of anger and pure disappointment on his face. It was obvious the assume we both had it coming later.

"Another one of your people, well he wanted me to kill you and put him in charge. I took him out, for you. And another one here, she shot Lucille trying to kill me just now, so I gave you one less mouth to feed. And by looking at her, that mouth did some major damage. Now personally, I wouldn't have picked her to be the one to go but Arat, I don't know, didn't trust her." Negan said with a smile.

Rick looked around at all the damage that has happened while he was gone. Eyes widening in the process. "Your shit's waiting for you at the gate. Just go." Rick said. "Sure think Rick, right after I found the guy or gal that made this bullet. Arat?" Negan hinted to threaten more people.

Arat raised her gun up at Eric who was supporting Aaron, but Tara interfered and yelled "It was me!" The gun aimed at her but then Eugene spoke up. "Not it wasn't." He bared while crying. "It was me. It was only me." He shook as Negan approached him.

"You?" Negan questioned. Euegue started to list off the supplies but Negan cut him off. "Shut up, I believe you." Negan walked said walking off and talking to his bat.

"I'm going to be relieving you of your bullet maker Rick. That and whatever you left for me at the front gate. And however much your scavenge, it's not good enough, because you're still in serious shit after today." Negan said to Rick. He then turned around to his men. "Let's move out!" He yelled at his men.

Rosita pleaded for them to take her instead of Eugene but she was ignored. "Rick, I'm not gonna lie to you, your kitchen is a god damn mess. I'll see you next time." Negan said to Rick as his men brushed past everyone to make their way to the front gate. "Bye bye now little dixon, I'll sure miss ya'! Too bad you can't come with me, we'd have a great time." He faced me with a smile, but I remained silent. He chuckled and walked over to the front gate to leave.

I felt Carl's hand brush my arms, and spun me around and pulled me into a hug. I rested my head on his shoulders as he rubbed my back.

After a bit of silence Rick came back over to face us both. "In the house. Now!" He yelled at us both, we let go of each other and obeyed. Walking into the house silently before Rick stormed in.

"What you two did, was not right. You should have consulted me first, you knew it was wrong." He explained angrily and paced. "You're not going outside the walls without me or anyone else. I know you're both angry about this, trust me I am too. You both need to stop before you get hurt, especially because he favors the both of you." Rick said and started to tone it down a bit, acting more calmer. "We have to stick together, we can't let him drive us apart. I know you're both frustrated but we have to stay strong so we can get out of this. All of us." He stated softly, tears pricked my eyes.

How could I believe that if my father was stuck over there with him?

Rick sighed and pulled me in for a hug and I sniffled. "We'll get him back. I promise." He said quietly. "Okay, both of you get cleaned up and rest. We're going to Hilltop tomorrow."

Carl and I nodded and went upstairs, deciding to get showered first. Rick footsteps echoed throughout the house, he probably went outside to clear up everything and then get some rest too.

We both showered together, one of the times I love most despite being at our most vulnerable. We spent longer in there than we needed, but as the water washed over us both, we felt all the events from today melt away gradually. It would take more that hot water to cleanse us both of what had happened but luckily it was a start. 'As long as we're together we'll be okay,' unfortunately things just have to hit us both all at once. I cried for my friends, the worry washed over me faster that the water. Olivia's death.. I could've saved her too and pushed her out the way. Eugene got taken.. I should've spoken up to defend him. Rick and Carl have both suffered because of Negan too. My dad was suffering in the Sanctuary.. but I can't do anything. But after all, Carl was there to hold me as my tears flooded.

I got out first, to get my stuff ready for tomorrow. Carl came in later after getting dressed again. I looked up at him, on the floor with my hands on my knees after collecting everything. "You okay?" He eventually asked and I nodded hesitantly.

He knew what I was feeling as I knelt there with a small answer; it was clear, open vulnerability because of my walls chipping without realisation, bit by bit. But it'll never scare him away.

"I'm sorry, I just- don't know how I'm suppose to feel right now." My throat was tight as I tried my best to speak softly. "After everything, it's still other people getting hurt and not me."

There was a softness in Carl's eyes, gentle at the words.

We were rarely alone with each other. Ever since that night we haven't spoken of what has pained us, since then it was hugs and hands brushing together with sneaky glances. We haven't been exposed like this in a long time.

"This isn't you're fault, you have nothing to apologise for." His eyes searched me, mind fuzzy with confusion.

"At least we'll be gone tomorrow." I whispered. "So we don't bump into them."

"I'd never let them hurt you.." His hands brushed against my cheek, running his fingers into my hairline, past my ear. In all the time we had been together, we had never been this sort with each other. So gentle.

I reached out and connected our fingers with his free hand, clumsily interlocking. All I knew was that I needed to feel him right now. Touch. Ensure that we were both very present in the moment we're sharing.

I tilted my head into his hand, allowing my eyes to flutter close for a moment and feel his warmth that was pressed lightly against my cheekbone.

"Thank you for being so patient." I continued, but quiet. "You're always there."

"I always will be." He looked into my eyes and nodded.

I shook my head as my eyes prickled sadly. "But it's not fair. He's doing this to you too but it's always me breaking down."

"You're always with me, even when you don't realise it." He explained.

A nod.

Carl hadn't been lying; he understood exactly what she meant. Knowing Negan lived and breathed around them freely was maddening, drove us both insane, made us want to rip our hair out. I can't imagine seeing him walk free. Glenn and Abraham died under his grasp. Nobody deserves that but it just keeps happening, now Spencer and Olivia..

Carl's eyes shined. After a faint inhale to suppress his emotions, he leaned down and pushed his lips against mine, taking me into a surprising yet gentle kiss. I pushed myself up onto my knees to meet him halfway.

Was that too much? Too bold Lilia. But in the next second, Carl's hands were against my jaw, ghosting across my neck to pull me even closer. His hand snaking around my waist to pull me in.

We had kissed many times before, but not quite like this. It was so different that it was before, and I liked it. It was a moment it two before we stopped, a moment to breathe and foreheads touched together gently in the light. Carl's eyes were closed; mine were halfway there, gazing gently at his lips as our breaths mingled in the soft air.

"When do we leave?" Carl asked under his breath.

My heart sank at the though of it, I don't wanna leave this moment now. "Whenever?"

"It's hours until whenever." His hand against my neck brushed across my pulse, causing my heart to skip a little in a good way.

"Is this.." He looked nervous at the silence. "Something you..want?"

My stomach was in a knot it nervousness, so was Carl's. I took a moment to think.

Of course I had thought about it before. But we're young.. but it's normal. Although the fact remained that we had never been this close to the actual thing before. I was nervous. But it wasn't bad at all.

I thought about the connection we had and still feel. The kissing from him, the comfort I felt and the desperation to have it back and experience more. We were alone, but together. I couldn't take my eyes away from his lips, watching me as the silence stretched out.

"Yes." I decided softly with a faint nod. "Yeah, yes I.." My words were stuttered and nervous, but my point was made clear. My hand slid along Carl's leg to intertwine our hands again.

Carl leaned in again to kiss me, gentler than before, soft as our lips met. His hand ghosted down from my neck to drop only slightly lower. I traced the first button of his flannel without any visible intent yet other than just knowing where it was.

My heart was beating with nervous excitement. I went onto the edge of the bed, but it wasn't long before I was gently pushed down so my back was against the sheets, and until