CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Aftermath

Estelle might not have been able to see, but she could feel the wide berth of space everyone gave her.

After they got out of the Fold, everyone holed up in a barn in Tomikyana. They got Nikolai cleaned up, cut his hair, found him a First Army uniform. They found stale bread and sugary tea to fill him with, to make him seem like the king he was.

Estelle sat in the corner, within whispering range of Alina and an unconscious Mal. However, she didn't feel like talking.

She'd gotten her face cleaned of blood and changed into roughspun clothes they'd stolen off some of the dead. As she sat down, she couldn't help but run her fingers up and down the rough scars, still raw. Three long, jagged claw marks, two right through her eyes. It hurt, but it was a reminder of what she'd been through. What she'd overcome.

The sound of crunching hay next to her made Estelle snap her head up. "It's me," came Nikolai's voice. Comfortingly, he slid his hand into her own.

She let out a relieved breath. "What's going on?" She hated how meek she sounded, how weak she had to be to not know what was going on.

"I'm going to Kribirsk, to meet the people, with the twins, Nadia, and Zoya. You know, show them that I'm not dead." Normally, it would have been taken as a joke. However, he sounded like he didn't believe himself that he was alive at all.

Her thumb rubbing back and forth against the back of his hand, Estelle rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm coming."

His shoulders rose as he chuckled. "I assumed as well. Would you like some tea?"

She shook her head. "Not hungry."

"You should get some kind of sustenance in you," he said.

"What, so I can show off my battle scars to the people, as the infamous and very real Star Summoner?"

"I wasn't—"

Estelle sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I...didn't mean it like that."

"It's alright," Nikolai said. "And you most certainly don't have to if you don't want to." He turned to face her, taking her face in his hands. "These are beautiful, just as you are. You could fall into a fire pit and crawl out alive and I'd still love you, no matter what you looked like afterwards."

She took in a sharp breath at his confession. He didn't move. She knew where his face should've been but...it just wasn't there. Blackness. Just the sound of his breathing, the feeling of his rough hands on her cheeks, the warmth his body was giving off from being so close to her. She wished she could see him.

Did she love him? Was she ready for that?

She remembered how she'd felt when she thought he was dead, turned into a mindless drone for the Darkling's cause. A puppet in his death show. Her stomach dropped and she felt empty. Empty at the thought of living on without him.

Over the years, she did something she never thought possible. She made an unbreakable bond.

This bond was different from a friendly kind of bond, like one she had with her cousins, or Ana. It was different from a parental kind of bond, or a professional bond. This was love.

Unbreakable, unconditional love. Her other half. Her soulmate.

Estelle grinned at the realization. She took Nikolai's face into her own hands and she kissed him.

Tears mixing in, neither of them cared. They had each other now, they knew where they stood, and they both were alive. For now, that was all that mattered.

When they finally pulled apart, breathless, Estelle leaned her forehead against his and laughed. "I love you too, Nikolai."

Nikolai laughed with her, giddy because of each other. Because of their love.

—

Nikolai got someone to find Estelle a blue Summoner's kefta for their appearance at Kribirsk. It felt wrong, wearing someone else's clothes, someone who was dead. As soon as she could, she would find clean clothes to wear, and burn the ones she wore.

She rode on the horse with Nikolai, holding onto him from behind. She didn't quite know if she could ride a horse on her own yet.

The ride didn't take long, but it felt long enough with Nikolai's wincing. Estelle finally asked him if someone was wrong.

"Two fractured ribs," he replied simply. "I'm fine, though. Try to get some sleep. I've got you."

Even if that were true, Estelle couldn't. Even through the lull of the horses' hooves on the gravel roads, the soft wind blowing through trees and stirring up fallen leaves, she couldn't force herself to fall asleep. Not yet.

The moment they arrived in Kribirsk, Nikolai left straight to the royal quarters, bringing Estelle with him. He graciously accepted gifts and blessings, but Estelle could tell his heart wasn't quite in it. He still felt haunted by what he had been. What he'd done.

Whatever he'd done, he wasn't going to tell anyone, that much Estelle knew. She didn't blame him. If she'd gone through something he did, all she'd want to do was jump off a cliff to rid herself of the memory of it all.

She contemplated the exact thing as she sat in a lavish chair at a table filled to the brim with food. She didn't dare touch any of it. The thought of food made her sick.

Nikolai never had the chance to even look at the feast. He was too busy assembling First Army captains, Grisha commanders, and giving orders. It was almost as if by doing these simple tasks he knew well, he was bringing back a part of himself.

He secured the borders, making sure Ravka's sudden weakness would not be taken advantage of by their neighbors, rallied Sturmhond's fleet through messages sent to the coast, and still had time to give a speech or two to the gathered people there. Soldiers and citizens alike, Grisha and otkazat'sya, cheering for the new king of Ravka. King Nikolai Lantsov.

By nightfall, the work had finally slowed down a bit for Nikolai to sit and relax a few minutes. Even though she couldn't see him, she was sure he was slumped down in the chair across the table from her, his eyes closed shut as his chest rose and fell quickly, trying to calm his racing heart. He was doing too much. He himself needed food and sleep.

"You should eat," Estelle told him quietly. "And get some sleep. It's not good for you to go on like this. I'll tell the twins to keep others away."

"You're too good to me," he mused. "But I cannot sleep yet. There is still much to be done. People to see, things to...do."

His resolve wore away. Estelle stood up, feeling her way across the table and over to where he sat. She pulled him up from the chair and hugged him. Simply stood and hugged him.

Soon enough, he began to cry.

Whether it was the stress or the memory or something else entirely, Estelle didn't ask. She didn't need to ask. She let him stay there, his cheek on her shoulder, staining her clothes with his tears, for as long as he needed. And she was sure he most likely needed it for a while.

Nikolai's shoulders shrugged up and down as he weeped, mourning and letting it out. Estelle shed a few tears herself, caught up in the emotion.

After a while, he pulled away, sniffling.

"Thank you," he said, his nose stuffy. "I...needed that."

"I know," she replied. "Get some rest, I insist. At least a little. I'll tell the twins to keep needy generals and diplomats away unless absolutely necessary. And if absolutely necessary, they'll have the company of the Star Summoner to speak to."

He chuckled. "Thank—"

"Stop," Estelle interrupted him. "Don't say thank you any more. We are in this together now. I will happily do this thing for you, even if I get nothing in return. Sleep, and when you feel well-rested, then you may continue with your king-ly activities."

Nikolai kissed her. It was a small peck on the lips, only lasting a second, but that didn't mean it had any less passion than the one from before.

A flash of light. Not just light. A face. Scarred, with red and puffy eyes, blond hair, hazel irises.

Estelle pushed him back. He was gone again. She shook, looking around her, only to find a lot more of nothing.

"Estelle?" Nikolai asked, cautiously. "Is everything alright?"

"I think so," she said slowly, swallowing down her tears. She saw him. It wasn't a memory, it was him, in the moment as he kissed her. "Must've been a ghost memory."

He placed his hand on her cheek and she leaned into it. "If you say so. Thank—" Nikolai stopped himself. "I love you. Try to eat something, if you won't rest."

Estelle smiled. "I'll try."