a/n: about a year ago today, i joined wattpad !! *cue streamers and party hats*

i'm so glad the universe decided to steer me into the direction of this gmw fandom. i'm so glad rucas exists and i get to write stories about them. i'm so glad for all my friends i've made because of wattpad. i don't think i could ever thank the world enough.

thank you for an amazing 365 days. thank you for giving my books a chance. i love you all, thanks for a crazy year, and here's to many more.

. . .

riley matthews
I never knew what true pain felt like until I saw Lucas Friar walking down the school halls with his arm tightly wound around Maya's waist.

She was indubitably glowing from every angle and for some odd reason it made me mad. It made my blood boil with rage and hatred for the one person who I thought I could have never possibly hated. And for why? For why was I so mad at my best friend's happiness? For why was I so goddamn selfish that I couldn't possible let Maya have someone good in her life for once? Even if that someone was Lucas Friar.

Jealousy and envy over a particular person was something I never did quite understand, but as I watched the two of them walking down the hallway, it had finally struck me that perhaps I did know envy─ I did understand it. Perhaps it just came in very subtle ways, but nonetheless was always present. The realisation dawned on me a lot slower than I was willing to admit but the subsiding pain didn't hurt less in any way.

I was jealous of my own best friend.

Since when was that even a thing? Why did my goddamn stupid insecurities have to ruin everything? They always did. They always do. Stupid Riley Matthews and her stupid feelings and her stupid selfishness and her stupid--

"Hey."

It was the sound of his calming voice that somehow snapped me out of my muddled thoughts and for a moment, nothing in the world could have possibly seemed stupid. Not even me. That is, until my eyes finally land on him and I realise he still has his arm wrapped around Maya and then everything suddenly just seems so goddamn stupid stupid stupid stupid.

It was the worst form of contradictory.

"Hi," I mumbled quietly, eyes searching around the hallway desperately to look at anything else besides his firm arm grasped around Maya's petite waist. Unfortunately, everyone walking by seemed to have their eyes averted towards Maya and Lucas, making it merely impossible for me to pretend that this wasn't happening. That the boy I liked was with my best friend. That I was in an uncontrollable amount of pain because of that same stupid boy. That my best friend didn't even bother to notice ... but that it wasn't even my her fault. It was all mine.

I stole a glance at Maya, her observing eyes already staring back into mine. Although, it didn't seem like she was staring directly at me. Rather, her eyes were cloudy, gazing right through me as if I was some ghost.

Maya was always the one to talk, never to observe. And yet here she was, completely silent as her piercing eyes narrowed slightly. It took no genius to realise that she was deep in thought again. I wondered what a perfect girl like her had to think about. I wondered if it had anything to do with me.

Suddenly, her eyes began to blink rapidly, steadily focusing on me as if she could finally see me. She cracked an unconvincing smile before looking up at Lucas, grabbing his hand and tugging it away from her waist.

I had only just realised the immense height difference between the two of them once they finally broke apart. She was short, sure, that I already knew, but Lucas was so tall. It was a dangerously attractive quality and I had to remind myself that now was not the time to be checking out my best friend's boyfriend.

"I need to do something, but I'll catch you in second period?" she asked innocently.

He nodded once, plastering on a content smile as she walked away, her red cheerleading skirt frolicking against her pale legs. Everything she did was always with perfection and I wondered if maybe that was the reason why everybody either wanted to be with her or be her. And I certainly wasn't an exception to that.

Because who the hell would settle for me when they could have someone like Maya? I was the klutzy brunette that was so goddamn gullible and clueless. They knew they could use me and expect me to be okay with it. I was always collateral damage in their goal to get to Maya.

Everybody was shallow. Heck, even I was. Everyone had their own flaws, there was no denying it. Everyone except Lucas Friar, it seemed. I knew I shouldn't have been idolising him but he just made me feel alive and special and freaking wanted ... despite the fact that he was now going out with my best friend. But that just happened, it wasn't as if those were his intentions all along. Maya wanted him, so I stepped back. Just like all best friends were supposed to do, right?

That I wasn't too sure about. But I could always fall back onto the firm belief that Lucas Friar would never use me.

My fingers subconsciously grazed over the R shaped jewel on my necklace, rubbing it anxiously as I chewed thoughtfully on my bottom lip.

"What's wrong?"

"Hm?" I blandly hummed, glancing up at Lucas as his gaze fixated intently on me. I could've sworn I caught a glint of worry flash by in his alarming green eyes, but it might've just been hopeful thinking. It probably was. "Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong?" I muttered, feigning interest on my white sneakers.

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out something is clearly on your mind. Come on Riley, I've known you for months now. I can tell when something is wrong," he said.

"Well, if you've known me for months then you'd know that when I say nothing is wrong, chances are, nothing is wrong. I'm a pretty straightforward person, Lucas. Very one-dimensional, some might say. I don't have many layers. What you see is what you get," I dryly stated, sarcasm prominent in my tone.

He thoughtfully paused for a moment, eyebrow arching slightly. Either he wasn't convinced or I had finally reaffirmed what he had been thinking of me all this time. I truly hoped it wasn't the latter. "I think there's a lot more to you than you're actually willing to admit to people," he uttered, hands seeping into the front pockets of his black jeans as he shrugged nonchalantly.

My heart clenched deeply. I had just finally put up all these walls and he was somehow managing to break each and every one of them. I wasn't supposed to be vulnerable. I was supposed to be the shallow, clueless, klutzy and stupid little sunshine that everybody walked all over. It was better that way.

I needed to put my defences up. I couldn't fall in love with him. Especially now that he was Maya's boyfriend. So I did what I do best. I pretended. I pretended to hate him.

"Well, you couldn't have been more wrong. I need to go, Lucas," I bitterly mumbled, plastering on a sarcastic smile before walking away from him.

I had just made it near the end of the hall when Lucas blurted, "Are you still mad at me because I called you my sister? Riley, I already apologised─"

I immediately spun around on the ball of my foot, storming dramatically over towards him again. I couldn't believe it. He was still going on about that stupid incident in the classroom a few weeks ago. As if it didn't hurt me enough already.

"Are you freaking kidding me? Not everything revolves around you! Are you seriously that thick headed that you think the whole world cares about what you do and say? I don't care about you, okay? I don't care," I harshly spat, the words just uncontrollably flowing from my mouth. I could've sworn I saw him flinch just the slightest though I couldn't let myself ponder on that thought any while longer.

The worst part was, everything I said was so utterly incorrect. As much as I wanted it to be true, it just wasn't. Because I was mad. And maybe it was because it just looked like Maya was using him as a rebound. Or maybe it was because he did call me his sister.

I would've thought my abrupt lash of anger towards him would have silenced him, but he clearly was persistent. He sighed, hesitantly taking a step closer towards me. "I'm not trying to stir up anything. I'm just concerned for you, that's all."

"Concerned? I'm not some charity case you need to worry over. You're not my boyfriend, so you can quit acting like it," I barked. The venomous words from my tongue stung me more than it probably did him.

"I get it if you like me or something and what I said might've hurt you--"

I scoffed loudly, shaking my head in complete disbelief at him as I humorlessly chuckled. That got him to keep his mouth shut. "You've actually got to be joking me. You're so─ You know what, I don't have time for this. Screw you, Lucas."

Telling someone to screw themselves wasn't exactly the best insult, but it was all I could muster up in the moment. I was too tired to come up with some extravagant offensive phrase, anyway. I was too tired to do anything.

I spun around, eyes already beginning to well up immensely as I began running. I didn't even care that I was potentially embarrassing myself in front of everyone as my loud sobs continued to increase in volume. I heard him call my name faintly in the distance but I was already too far to even bother responding. I was already too broken.

Why did I have to overreact over every single little thing? My mother always told me crying was the best way to relieve pain but as the tears continued to stream down my cheeks, the pain only seemed to get worse.

Although my vision had began to blur, as I turned my head towards the open door of a vacant classroom, I could have almost guaranteed that I saw a particularly short blonde girl in a red cheerleading uniform and a taller brunette person enter the room together. I couldn't really tell, though. Much like my vision, everything else was pretty much blurred.

. . .