hello!!, I'm just going to put songs at the beginning of each chapter, you know, songs that I think match the chapter, and you can listen to them while reading if you want! just for the aesthetic

also, big self harm and depression warning for most of this book, ill be adding warnings as we go.

the dark and gloomy day had a somber atmosphere, with heavy storm clouds dominating the sky. the air was filled with a sense of impending rain, and the cold winds cut through the air, chilling everything in their path. this was the perfect setting for you, as you found solace and comfort in days like this, embracing the melancholy and embracing the beauty in the darkness.

stepping out of your house, you braved the elements, determined to face the world despite the emotional weight you carried within. your attire was a reflection of your mood— it wrapped you in its warmth while the sturdy boots protect your feet from the wet ground. 

with umbrella in hand, you raised it high to shield yourself from the pouring rain. its canopy, a shield against the world, provided a small sanctuary amidst the storm. the raindrops cascaded around you, their gentle patter becoming a soothing symphony against the nearby roof.

as you ventured forward, the wind whipped at your clothes and pushed against your body, mirroring the turbulence within your mind. thoughts swirled and churned, each gust of wind pushing them in different directions. it was overwhelming, the weight of loss and despair pressing heavily on your heart.

the cold drops of rain touched your skin, leaving trails of moisture. the physical sensation of the raindrops mingled with the emotional pain you felt, creating a combination of sensations that made your whole being tremble. the exhaustion that settled deep within your bones.

navigating through the rainy streets, you walked with a steady determination, seeking refuge from the tempest within. the vibrant lights of the city were muted in the gray haze, their glow subdued by the relentless downpour. 

finally, you arrived at the coffee shop, a haven of warmth and familiarity. as you pushed open the door, a gust of warmth enveloped you, accompanied by the intoxicating aroma of freshly brewed coffee. the rich scent filled your lungs, instantly awakening your senses and offering a glimmer of respite.

stepping inside, you closed your umbrella, allowing the water droplets to drip onto the mat, their soft patter joining the chorus of rain outside. the cozy atmosphere of the coffee shop embraced you like an old friend, its soft lighting casting a warm glow on your weary soul.

as you made your way towards your favorite table, lost in your thoughts, a sudden jolt disrupted your steps. the impact was forceful, almost knocking you off balance, but with a swift reflex, you managed to catch yourself just in time, preventing an embarrassing tumble onto the floor.

before you had the chance to fully comprehend what had just transpired, your attention shifted to the person you collided with. standing before you was a super tall guy, his height towering above the average crowd, giving him an air of undeniable presence. the surprise and shock were evident on his face, his brows furrowing slightly in response to the unexpected force of the bump.

in his hands, he tightly gripped a cup of steaming hot liquid, teetering precariously in the aftermath of the collision. though he maintained his own balance, the unfortunate consequence of the impact was evident. a small gasp escaped his lips as the steaming liquid spilled onto his arm, causing him to hiss in pain. the cup slipped from his grasp, falling to the ground with a resonating thud, its contents slowly trickling down his sleeve, leaving behind a trail of coffee droplets in its wake. the impact had also disrupted the once-perfect alignment of his fedora, which now sat at a slight angle.

initially, frustration crept into his voice, ready to be unleashed as he began to admonish you for your lack of awareness. "hey, watch where--" he began, his tone edged with annoyance. but as his eyes met yours, a profound transformation swept over him, stealing his words away. his breath hitched in his throat, silenced by the gaze that held him captive.

the anger that had momentarily clouded his features dissolved, replaced by a flicker of curiosity. his initial reproach faded away, and the lines of tension on his forehead softened. a profound silence settled between you, the only sounds audible being the distant hum of conversations and the gentle patter of raindrops on the café's windows.

as the intensity of his gaze bore into your eyes, a warm flush crept up your cheeks, coloring them in a delicate shade of pink. to avoid his penetrating stare, you instinctively shifted your gaze, focusing on a distant point in the room.

the boy, still slightly stunned by the unexpected connection, managed to find his voice amidst the swirling emotions within him. "i'm sorry! are...you okay?" he stammered, his words punctuated by a dryness in his mouth that made it difficult to articulate properly. 

"yeah, yeah, I'm fine," you mumbled, your voice tinged with a hint of shyness. as the boy's fingers instinctively clutched at his collar, a subtle attempt to steady his nerves, a gentle laugh escaped his lips, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink. 

intrigued by your presence and drawn to know more, the boy's eyes sparkled with curiosity. he mustered the courage to ask, his voice laced with genuine interest, "do you... come here often?" his question hung in the air, full with anticipation, as he eagerly awaited your response.

"yes, i come here almost every day," you reply, a hint of familiarity in your voice. you gather your belongings, preparing to make your way to the counter to place your order. 

"oh wow," he exclaims, his eyes shining with an undeniable intrigue. he seems to have a liking for running into deeper conversations rather than engaging in small talk, and he's eager to learn more about you—your hobbies, interests, and the things that make your heart come alive. with a genuine desire to know you better, he asks, "what's your order?"

you wave your hand dismissively, a playful glimmer in your eyes. "hold on a second," you interject, a slight teasing tone lacing your words. "hello? you haven't even told me your name yet!" 

"huh?" he exclaims, a tinge of embarrassment flushing his cheeks with a rosy hue. his expressive eyes widen in the realization that he had overlooked such a simple and basic interaction.

"oh, uh, sorry," he stammers, his voice carrying a mix of apology and self-deprecation. gathering his composure, he manages to offer his name, his words carrying a touch of vulnerability. "my name's onceler!" with a sheepish smile, he extends his hand toward you, an invitation for a handshake. you take his hand, his fingers are warm and soft,

"cool, i'm y/n," you introduce yourself, a warm smile gracing your lips as you shake onceler's hand, appreciating the genuine curiosity that emanates from his eyes. with a newfound desire to get to know him better, you lead the way back to your table, creating a comfortable space for conversation.

"so, what're you into, onceler?" you ask, genuinely interested in unraveling the layers of his personality. as you settle into your seats, the ambiance of the coffee shop providing a cozy backdrop, onceler's eyes light up with an infectious enthusiasm. "i don't know, what do you like?" he responds, eager to explore your interests and passions.

you take a moment to ponder, considering the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. you start sharing with him, a hint of excitement lacing your voice while you talk about the things you love. "sounds cool, doesn't it?"

onceler's face brightens with admiration, captivated by the notion of your adventurous spirit and the wealth of stories that accompany your travels. "of course it does!" he exclaims, his genuine enthusiasm shining through. "sounds like you have a lot of interesting stories to tell! have you been anywhere interesting recently?"

as you delve into the details of your latest journey, onceler listens intently, engrossed in the tapestry of your experiences. he leans forward, absorbing every word with fascination, eager to vicariously explore the places he has yet to see. 

the hours slipped away unnoticed as you and onceler kept on talking, diving into the depths of your lives, interests, and dreams. time seemed to take on a life of its own, weaving through the minutes and hours in a blur. the world outside the coffee shop faded into the background, leaving just the two of you engrossed in this shared moment of connection. 

glancing at your watch, you let out a sigh tinged with a hint of disappointment. the realization dawns upon you that time had slipped away, and you had forgotten to get your much-anticipated cup of coffee. with a pang of reluctance, you turn to onceler, feeling a pang of guilt for cutting the conversation short.

"hey, onceler," you begin, "i should go home now.. it's.. getting dark and the rain hasn't stopped yet. i'm just gonna get some coffee and head home, okay?" onceler frowns but nods, understanding.

"alright," he responds, "walk home safely. but hey, how about we hang out tomorrow? can i get your number? i'll call you and give you directions to my place." he offers with another sheepish grin, his genuine interest in spending more time with you evident.

you look at him, a mix of confusion and amusement playing on your features. "directions? just tell me your address, it's that simple," you offer, expecting a straightforward response. however, onceler's response catches you off guard. "well... i don't really have an address," he admits sheepishly, a playful grin tugging at the corners of his lips.

raising an eyebrow, you wait for him to elaborate, your curiosity piqued. "what?" you inquire, unable to hide your bemusement. a slightly awkward laugh escapes him, and you can't help but shake your head in good-natured disbelief. you exchange phone numbers instead, the act serving as a promise of future connection.

with your coffee cup securely in hand and your umbrella providing shelter from the relentless rain, you bid onceler a warm farewell and step out of the cafe. the soft smile that graces your lips is mirrored by the gentle patter of raindrops on the pavement. today hadn't been all that bad, but.. once you stepped inside your home, you swiftly closed the door and leaned against it for support. the tremors that had taken hold of your body couldn't be suppressed, causing shivers to ripple through you. the relentless rumble of the storm outside persisted in a predictable rhythm, occasionally interrupting the quietness within.

droplets of water from your umbrella dripped onto the floor, forming a small puddle that added to the sad atmosphere. the chill in the air permeated your clothes, intensifying the shivers that persisted even as you settled on the floor. your apartment greeted you with darkness and a noticeable chill, devoid of any comforting presence. the emptiness seemed to fill the room, reminding you of your solitude.

sitting there, you couldn't help but feel the shivering persist, even as you remained seated. the sensation of being watched loomed over you, despite the absence of anyone else. it was an unsettling feeling, one that your body couldn't shake off.

in the quietness of your home, the sound of your breath mingled with the distant rumbling of the storm. occasionally, a gust of wind would make the windows rattle, further heightening your unease. the absence of light cast shadows that danced along the walls, whispering secrets that only added to the eerie ambiance. 

you sat there for a while, embracing the silence that enveloped you, grappling with the emotions that surged within. 

with a weary exhale, you released the weight of your dark thoughts, longing for respite. your steps led you to the modest yet comfortable living room, a space perfectly suited for your solitary existence. the encroaching darkness momentarily heightened your sense of unease, causing a shiver to cascade down your spine. but you swiftly dispelled the darkness by illuminating the room, and switching on all available lights. the relief of seeing the power still intact washed over you, providing a small glimmer of comfort.

setting your coffee down on the nearest surface, you collapsed onto the couch, allowing your legs to stretch out before you. your gaze fixated blankly upon the wall, your heavy eyes bearing the weight of sleepless nights. weary and exhausted, you yearned for a moment of tranquility amidst the chaos that plagued your mind.

as you made way towards the refrigerator, a sigh of relaxation escaped your lips, offering a fleeting sense of calm. you reached for a refreshing beverage and a bag of chips. settling into the plush embrace of your warm couch, you switched on the television, hoping for a distraction from your depressing thoughts. however, you soon discovered that there was nothing good playing on the screen.

nibbling on the crispy chips, your attention wandered aimlessly, detached from the images flashing before you. there was a knot twisting in your stomach. you were aware that, in time, this torment would become the new normal, but for now, it gnawed at your being, inflicting a searing pain that seemed unbearable.

each passing day brought forth an increasing struggle to maintain focus on the aspects of life that held significance for you. with a shake of your head, you attempted to drown out the anxiety, filling your mouth with a handful of chips as if to silence the nasty within. "gosh, you're such a moron. quit complaining," you scolded yourself, caught in the tug-of-war between two opposing voices within.

a yawn escaped your lips, revealing the weariness that had settled deep within. without bothering to switch off the lights, you ambled towards your bedroom, the sanctuary that promised respite from the turmoil of the day. with a gentle thud, you plopped onto your bed, the softness offering momentary relief from the burdens that had weighed you down.

as you settled into the comfort of your bed, you reached into your pocket and retrieved the slip of paper that held onceler's phone number. uncertainty lingered in your mind, unsure whether you should take the leap and dial his number. the thought of engaging in conversation felt like an impossible task in your current state of tiredness. rationalizing your decision, you decided to postpone the call, thinking about doing it tomorrow instead.

laying on your bed, the room dimly lit by the faint glow of the hallway, you allowed the weariness to wash over you. thoughts of the day slowly dissolved, replaced by a quiet stillness as you succumbed to the embrace of slumber. tomorrow would bring a fresh opportunity, a chance to engage with onceler and discover the potential for connection and solace that awaited. For now, sleep beckoned, promising a temporary reprieve from the trials of the world.

you take your socks off and throw them across the room, thinking that they might land on the floor somewhere, but you don't really care. you put away the paper and fall asleep within seconds.