~*~

A WEEK LATER ~ IN A VIlLAGE ~ (Mitsuri's POV:)

"Phew....."

After my patrol in my designated territory without Hayami, as I've tried to avoid her as much as possible. My body just felt so heavy and tired, dragging my dense body along while feeling the warm rays of the sun shining down. My stomach growls embarrassingly, and using alot of my energy eradicating the demons at night still hasn't worked my appetite as much.

Touching the faint scar across my cheek from my last demon, I grimace not because it was out of pain but it felt like something precious was spilling from the wide-open wound.

Making my way into the restaurant that Hayami and I would frequently come to, I ordered myself tempura rice bowl, soba, grilled fish, rice and miso soup. While this might have seemed like a quite a lot for someone to be eating first thing in the morning, it was only about a tenth of what I can consume. Before too long my tea was also brought out, as it reminded me of Hayami's teas that she always gotten.

Sipping it absentmindedly, a sigh leaves me feeling like I wanted to cry for some reason.

Ever since I blurted my reason in becoming a slayer in front of Hayami and Shinobu, and Shinobu especially. I've kept myself quiet and tight control, trying to keep my giddy feelings about anyone and everyone. To be quite blunt, I'm trying to secure and lock away the love inside me. To relinquish my wicked reasoning for joining the Demon Slayer Corps, for good and to push it all away.

To find a man to marry and spend my days with......

I tried to even banish the daily thrills and sparks of true love to focus on my duties, as the Lover hashira. However everything comes and goes in waves, left and right showing so many things for myself that would naturally get giddy over. This ridiculously poor timing made me want to cry so hard, and even recalling back to the last Hashira meeting to be an absolute disaster.

Recalling the many times I've spent with each hashira, like when one time I took shelter from the rain with the Flame hashira, Kyojuro Rengoku my mentor. He threw his haori over me saying 'You'll catch a cold! Wear this, Kanroji!'

Or when I've seen the Stone hashira Gyomei Himejima secretly cradling a kitten, telling it 'Namu. Cute kitty.....' and looking surprisingly adorable.

Then I would come across the Wind hashira Sanemi Shinazugawa sneaking food to what appeared to be an abandoned puppy.

Plus I would witness the Water Hashira Giyuu Tomioka dozing sweetly on the verandah, which set my heart pounding in how adorable he looked!

Then another time when I accidentally staggered and tripped, Uzui caught me on time, "Careful there. Don't go falling"

Then Iguro had invited me to a new udon restaurant in the village nearby, which I had to keep my heart under control when it threatened to pound in constant deligh, out of control was a lot for me at the times and then in the end......

'Misturi, is there maybe something you're worried about? I'm here to listen if you want to talk' even master Ubuyashiki is worried about me. And I ran away when Muichiro called out to me on the way home......

The worst it was. I couldn't even look at them in the eye, even including Shinobu and Hayami like I've mentioned. What am I even doing? Hayami was the first to reach out, and yet I ran out afraid of her judging me.....

My shoulders slumped forward with a dejected look, I picked up my tempura bowl staring at the food with no ounce of excitement or hunger. How can I keep going like this? I keep wondering this so absentmindedly, that it wasn't gnawing me to the bone from the inside and out. The piece of tempura I just had pinned between my chopsticks, slipped and fell back into the bowl finding myself feeling unwell.

Why am I not hungry anymore? No matter what I put in my mouth, it all just becomes like sand in my mouth.....Nothing was delicious anymore....

This felt so familiar; I haven't felt this way since my first arranged match of my life. Recalling when Shinobu spoke freely.....

~~~A MONTH AGO~~~

"You have the same physique as a regular person, but eight times the muscle. meaning you have a high muscle density," The soft feminine voice breaks me out of my thought, before my eyes fall upon none other than Shinobu. "This is why you have to eat plenty. People with a lot of muscle mass have a higher basal metabolic rate. Please ensure that you eat at least eight time that of the average person."

My eyes widen, "But I'm a girl," protesting quickly. "If I eat that much, it's.........isn't that creepy? People might hate me....."

Shinobu shook her head with her pale lavender eyes meeting mine, "Don't force yourself to be with anyone who tells you not get the nutrition you need. You can just do this with people like that," Shinobu says firmly, with her smile gracing her lips. However behind that, she seems to want to punch a person who wasn't even there. "Right?"

Relief washes over, "Oh Shinobu!"

Those words slowly gave me encouragement, that soothed my soul........

~*~

After a few days later speaking with Shinobu, I soon was invited to dinner with Iguro not long after. Fear is all I felt when he invited me, and when we were sat at the bar, I felt my body trembling. Asking for the food I usually wanted, but on the inside i felt myself screaming at myself. This was more embarrassing seen Iguro had the smallest appetite of any of the hashira, seeing him only ordering a tea and a little bit to eat.

Yet, he has said nothing or even reproach me about the amount I ordered, however he just ordered more for me instead.

I don't understand what's going on? Does he think I eat too much?

Like I know he's given me a pair of the long soft bamboo material socks, which I wear almost everyday til they tear. He casually gifts me these socks, that all I wanted was to treasure them, but he tells me to use them. He brushes it off, saying it's nothing and he was doing me some kind of favor. That's when i began to noticed how much skin I've been showing, and I've become more appalled about myself. I couldn't burn my uniform in front of the tailor like Shinobu has done.

~*~

~ PRESENT DAY ~

Sitting alone on the table after another few days, I stare at the bowl of my udon. My thoughts reach towards Hayami, thinking of seeing her and apologising. I didn't mean to leave her at the small cafe, I just felt like I was speaking too freely about my issues. I was selfish.....

"Kanroji! So you are here!"

Surprised by the sudden familiar voice, I lift my gaze to meet his own, "I-Iguro?! Why?!" stammering out, taken back by the look of concern in his eyes.

"I wanted to talk to you, so I came looking for you," he took a seat opposite from me, and then suddenly he scowls severely in my direction for some reason. His gaze was so intense, my heart was fluttering and pounding against my chest. "Kanroji, what's the matter? This....."

"Huh?" flustered for a moment, my eyes flicker down to my bowl in my grasp. "Did I spill some rice?"

Was I eating messily again? I couldn't feel any bits of rice stuck around my mouth, could I? This is so embarrassing.

He shook his head as Kaburamaru head slithers forward, with the flicker of his tongue, "Why is there a cut on your cheek?" his voice was cold, much colder than before.

"Oh! This?" gesturing to the cut. "During patrol yesterday......I was careless," I reply rather timidly, before noticing Iguro's eyes widen.

Taken back by the fierce and enraged look, not used to such a harsh look on the face of the serpent Hashira. he was normal very calm collected kind of colleague of mine, but this much different than before. He must be disappointed in me because I'm a Hashira, and I still got hurt by a demon who's not even one of the twelve kizuki.

I'm worthless, I think he's rolling his eyes at me!

Shrinking in my seat from his intense gaze trying make myself smaller, before Iguro shot up from his seat suddenly almost tipping the chair back.

"Where?" He demands abruptly, his voice gravelling.

"Eeep!!!!" I cry out, jumping up from my seat reflexively.

"Did Mizutsuki do this? Didn't she protect you, on patrol?!" He questions, venomously.

"Huh?"

Blinking a few times, slowly registering his reason for being furious.

"The piece of garbage that marred your rosy cheek, Kanroji!" He interrupts me with a groan, his voice bubbling in rage. "That piece of garbage who deserves a thousand deaths. I am going to carve it up right now until it s nothing but thin slices, then I'll give Mizutsuki a huge lecture she will never forget!"

He soon began to storm out of the restaurant without hesitance, but I quickly shot up and held onto him tightly. "W-Wait, Iguro! It's already gone. Um you know, because I cut it's head off....so......"

Finally Iguro calms down coming back to his senses, and the bloodlust radiating from his small body disappeared as he sat back down on the seat. He sighs placing a hand to his forehead, "Sorry. Me of all people, forgetting myself in anger," he mutters, as if embarrassed by his abrasive actions. "But I will lecture that Mizutsuki wench......."

"Iguro?"

So he wasn't mad at me? He was actually just that worried about me? The warmth coaxes in my heart, and now thinking about it.....he as always been by my side since I joined the Demon Slayer Corps. He always somehow managed to find reason to watch out for me......

"It's not Hayami's fault, it's mine....." I spoke up, before lowering my head. It wasn't Hayami's fault at all, because I'm the one avoiding her.

"Kanroji......." he spoke up, more awkwardly than before. "Is something bothering you?"

"What?"

"I'm happy to listen if you want to talk,"

My brows pinch together in confusion, "Iguro....."

"I want to help if I can,"

My heart leapt in my chest and pounded loudly, seeing how earnest and caring he was being towards me. He was serious. He wants to listen to me. In that moment, I soon imagine Shinobu's rose back up in my mind again.

Shaking my head, "Ngh! No!"

"Kanroji?" He spoke in confusion.

Leaping to my feet with him staring up towards me, dumbfounded. Averting my eyes from his own I fiddle with my hands, "I-I just remembered I have a thing! I'm sorry. I'm going now, okay?!" I manage out, slamming my ten down on the table for my order and races out the door. I practically tumble out of the door, as my face reddens in embarrassment yet again. I'm sorry! Iguro, I'm really, really sorry!

Just when he was being so genuinely kind to me, and looking out for me; I just couldn't even handle it. Just when he wanted to help me.......

But that just made my heart pound with emotions for Iguro........

I couldn't turn to him like we usually do, as I continue to flee from the restaurant before finding myself in front of several storefronts between me and the restaurant. I have to figure this one out by myself. I can't lean on Iguro forever. I just felt so backed up against a wall by the feelings that he stirred within me.

Slapping my cheeks with both my hands forcefully, it didn't clear away the fog that casts over me tauntingly.

~*~

A FEW DAYS LATER ~ AT THE BUTTERFLY MANSION

"haaaah..."

Not only did the uncomfortable haze torturing her not go away, it increased with each passing day. Even trying to have the motivation to go and apologise to Hayami. I found it hard to even breath and my body felt like lead. Maybe because how I felt, I could hardly use love breathing that well. I felt so weak, I just wanted to cry......

Can I even become the hashira, master expects me to be in this condition?

Not even long after feeling out of sorts, I get a message from Shinobu herself. She wishes for me to stop by the butterfly mansion whenever it was convenient for me. However assuming it would lift my spirit, it only caused me torment. What did Shinobu want anyway?

Well at least it's not Hayami, right?

~*~

"Lady Kanroji, thankyou so much for coming," Aoi Kanzaki greets softly, with a small bow to her head. "Lady Shinobu,"

Following the young girl through the gardens and out to the training ground, I held a troubling look when she mentions Shinobu as usual. What I'm more confused is why we're even heading to the training grounds, what did Shinobu want with me?

Finding myself out at the back where Lady Shinobu's dojo was, where she trains and raises her Tsugoku's, alongside the functional recovering training they did with the injured Demon Slayers. This wasn't the first time that I've been here, but it was the first time being called out to the dojo in regarding something important. Once Aoi leaves me at the door with a worried expression, I nervously reach out to open the doors.

Peeking my head through the door easing myself in, "Ummm, Shinobu?

"Hello Kanroji," Shinobu was sitting in the center of the large dojo with two wooden swords next to her. There was no smile on her face whatsoever. Glancing in my direction I freeze on the spot feeling her icy gaze upon me, before collecting both wooden swords and tosses one towards me without a word.

"Huh?" before I caught it reflexively.

Shinobu cocks her head a little to the side with her hard gaze, "Would you mind sparring with me a little?"

Though it may have sounded more like a question, I deep down it would be like a double-edged sword. It was merely a question, but an obligation.

Finding the tip of Shinobu's blade pointing directly at me, "Huh? Whu-uh? Shinobu?" I exclaim, still in utter confusion for my presence here. Clearly I was misunderstanding the reason I'm here, as Shinobu wasn't gonna spoil it for me. Suddenly she steps soundlessly towards before appearing in front of me, feeling a sharp jolt in my hands when my sword hits the ground.

The dull sound of the sword echoes within the large dojo with an awkward silence......

"What was that?" Shinobu turns sharply with her eyes upon me, while i stood there stunned. "I didn't use half my strength. You would normally have dodged that quite easily, Kanroji, no matter how off guard I caught you."

With a flush expression, "Oh ummm...." being baffled how abrupt and strict Shinobu became, it left me standing there feeling stupid.

"It seems that you're not able to make proper use of breathing," Shinobu assumes, coldly.

"Th-That's......uh......"

Shinobu seemed to noticed how hard that hit home, as my heart was wanting shatter and allowing my body to shrink away from the world.

Sighing she lowers the sword turning her gaze upon me, "You look pale, you cheeks are hollow. Is this because you are not taking in the nutrition necessary to maintain your muscle mass?"

I gasp out, but no words follows finding her words hard to give her a response.

"I am most certainly not a powerful sword wielder," She continues. "But you're different kanroji. Your easygoing long sword, your surprisingly flexible muscles, the strength that you were born with and.....above all else.....your almost over honest personality make you an astonishing swordswoman."

Remaining quiet, I felt like I was forced into silence.

"Kanroji," Shinobu says, indifferently. "Why are you trying to make yourself weak?"

My heart leapt in my chest giving her a timid expression, as if I'm afraid to finally admit all my insecurities. No......no I can't do it......I just can't. I can't allow my problems to pour upon Shinobu, I couldn't..... if I spoke honestly towards her I would end up hurting her, like last time. I could remind Shinobu something, that would be unpleasantly morbid.....

No, it wasn't it. The truth was I was more afraid and scared to say it. I kept reminding myself it was for Shinobu sake when in reality, it was for my own sake. I was afraid of laying myself bare and having Shinobu hate her. I was afraid in ruining the closeness they'd shared up to now. I'm more scared of losing both Hayami and Shinobu, that I wouldn't be able to handle it...

Hanging my head staring at the floor, I couldn't escape Shinobu's gaze and clutched my shaking hand.

I don't know what to do. I need some other reason........

For a moment I soon recall a few words from a boy I knew, when i saved his mother who said 'You were super cool!'

Lifting my head up in realisation recalling that young boy who said that to her, a newbie, said that I was cooler than anyone else out there. When I saved him and his mother from the demon, I'd became relieved from the bottom my heart. I was more relieved they were still alive, and soon I finally realised I found a place where I could belong, outside of my family. I wished so badly to thank them.......

No. I can't lie to her here.

If I continue to run away and keep sinking into my own issues I'm creating, I won't be able to face Shinobu again. I have to tell her what's going on with me.......

Squeezing my eyes tightly shut and then opened them to look at Shinobu directly, with determination. "Shinobu....so...."

Just saying that much alone, made my mouth run dry as if my throat felt like sandpaper when I swallowed again. Even my voice climbs higher and higher if I continued..........

"I......heard.....about your past," I spoke up, gathering all my courage. "From the kakushi."

Shinobu stared at me with the same hard expression, as if that didn't faze her. I couldn't read her at all, nor a hint of emotion or even a morbid expression. What if Shinobu had total control over her feelings? How much time had she spent training before she was able to manage that?

The little girl whose parents had been slaughtered by a demon in front of her, whose beloved older sister had been taken from her.

Clearly I intently pushed back on the image to stop myself from shrinking with the sadness and pain of it, "I'm.....so embarrassed about my own reason for joining the Demon Slayer Corps. A husband, love.....I should apologise to you. I feel like I'm all wrong like this. I have to be stronger, get it together, but....."

Even when i tried to lock away the love I had, I became surprisingly weak. It seems that my breathing was even more deeply tied to her heart than I had thought.

"I finally get it now. I can't be that. I have to be strong in my own way," I continue, my voice shaky but filled with resolution. "Otherwise, I can't protect anybody."

So scared of being rejected by this person I love, I even neglected the people I was actually supposed to be protecting. I had weakened the strength I had been given and tried to live a lie.....even though I had made up my mind to use the power my mother and father had passed on to me to help as many people as I could in a place where she could live without lying to myself.

"This is me! This is Mitsuri Kanroji! All kinds of people make my heart beat faster, I eat alot, I'm strong.....But....I...." my voice quietens hesistantly.

Shinobu remains as silent as before.

"It's because.......I love you, okay, Shinobu?" I spoke up, before shutting my mouth instantly.

Shinobu's throat moved slightly as she swallowed thickly, "There are many others in the Demon Slayer Corps who have had relatives taken from them by demons,"

My heart throbbed in response to Shinobu's quiet response, as if my heart sank further.

"Aoi, Sumi, Naho. They all had their families killed by demons, and with nowhere