~*~

Feels like deja vu all over again.......

The incense burner rests upon the grave, the smoke snaking up into the sky with a soft scent that didn't reek of death. Flowers graced at the base of the rough stone, engraved with her name upon it. I couldn't get over the fact that her, of all people would fall at the hands of an Upper Moon. Maybe I'm too naive to see the reality of an Upper Moons strength, but all I knew she put up a fight.

Kanae Kocho........

Kneeling down after someone said their prayers, I place the Iris' down carefully and neatly. Lighting a stick myself, a thin trail of smoke flows in the air above me. My hands rest together in a small prayer wishing her arrival safely to the heavens, as the ache in my chest hasn't left. It's been at least three days since her death, and I know both Shinobu and Ryuji aren't taking her death very well. 

Pushing myself to my feet opening my eyes, I back away allowing anyone to have a moment with her.

"She left too soon........" my voice slightly cracks, my throat straining in result to holding back the tears that threaten to spill. "........just why?" my voice barely a whisper, with a slight strain in my plead. Swallowing away my anger, all I felt was more frustration towards the demons. No matter how many die, no matter how many friends you make......it all ends up with a heart being broken.

Ryuji soon came over brushing his shoulder abruptly against mine, before kneeling down placing some flowers. Kissing his hand, he presses it against the headstone of the grave with a different kind of presence. He was angry, pissed off, and he was trying to not make a scene right now during the funeral. His large body covered my view of her grave, and the silence was screaming out with pain and anger.

"I'm sorry....." He whispers beneath his shaky breath, before praying for a moment.

Glancing over my shoulder I saw Shinobu with little Kanao taking her leave, causing my feet to start walking towards her by instinct. Once out of earshot to the funeral, I place a warm hand upon her shoulder comfortingly. "You going so soon?"

"I can't stand it here....." She utters beneath her breath, her hand gripping Kanao's hand firmly as if worried to lose her too. "It was too fast.......too late...." 

She was still vulnerable but slowly she was slipping away from herself, and began smiling even if she never meant it. We all end up losing someone, and I know it all too well. I've been there, Sanemi has been there, Kumeno even lost his own brother and now he's with him. We all end up losing someone close, and begin thinking your alone. When in reality there are others, that do genuinely care about you.

"It's not your fault," my hand grips her shoulder firmly, but not enough to give her discomfort. Only assurance. "It was an upper moon, what could anyone do? The encounter was sudden........at least she wasn't devoured."

Shinobu nods in agreement, "I guess......she can have her peace," before her eyes finally meet mine. "How......do you do it? I've learned your history by Ryuji, that your entire was massacred in a single night...........and later lost your other older brother. How does one become strong? To ignore it all that pain...?"

This was unlike her to ask me for wisdom, let alone for advice without having her pride this time.

"I don't know myself," my eyes trail back to the funeral, that resumes quietly. "Every demon I kill, brings me assurance that I'm one step ahead. I don't know what for, but I take each day one step at a time........it sounds impossible....But I know it's what gives me somewhat security. Everyone is different, but for you.........help Kanao grow. Forget about working at the butterfly mansion, it would put too much press--"

"I'll........" her voice shakes, before clearing her throat. "I'll resume my position at the Butterfly Mansion, and continue aiding people. I think that might be what brings me security, and yes....I've got Kanao still. Thank you, Hayami...."

Tears roll down her cheeks, with the most genuine smile curling upon her lips.

".....I'll keep your words to heart."

Though she spoke those very words to my face, deep down she wasn't being genuine. The facade she puts up was clear to me, but all I could do was not push any further. If I kept hollering, it would only make things worser than it already is.  

~*~

Walking towards the steps of my brother's estate, my mind was spaced out after taking some time to myself.

The funeral ended quietly shortly after Shinobu departed, following the rest who honoured her death and whispered their prayers. Those who just stood there accepting it, and those who were furious that an Upper Moon dared to harm their own. This was our job, we all had to accept it and bear the burden, by picking up the blade.

Finding myself slipping my sandals at the front door, the sound of glass shattering and something hard being slammed snaps me back to reality. 

In alarm assuming it was intruder inside, my heart rate spikes up quickly. Taking off my sandals quickly I swiftly rush down the verandah, my hands gripping the fusuma doors and opened them abruptly. However, my eyes slowly widen when something flies past grazing my cheek, almost knocking me off balance. 

"GET THE HELL OUT!!!!!"

The state he was in was beyond my comprehension, his eyes bloodshot and filled with rage and grief. His hair was tousled than how it was this morning at the funeral, his Kimono was disheveled. 

"Ryuji......" my voice barely a whisper, in concern.

"I SAID, GET THE HELL OUT!" His yells angrily, before he throws a pillow towards me. My hand quickly caught it, before dropping it beside refusing to step out. I couldn't, my feet felt heavy like it was stuck to the floor.

The state of the room was a mess, with shattered glass scattered on the floor. My vase of Orchids were shattered into pieces, the flowers torn to shreds and the water staining the tatami floor. Our small table flipped upside down, and pages from a few books been ripped out from the spine of the book. It was completely wrecked, and my stress began to pile on the more he kept yelling and cursing at me.

"Big brother, please?" I step forward, stepping carefully over the glass. "I know it's--"

"No, don't you dare try consoling me!!" he points his finger towards me, his face red and fuming with his cheeks stained with tears. His breath was heavy and shaky, "My love, my life was killed!!!! By a damn fucking Upper Moon!!!!!"

"Ryuji, just breath," My voice tries to remain steady, but I couldn't imagine the pain he's going through right now. His hands were bleeding from what I assume, the shattered glass and punching through one of pieces of furniture. 

"Breath? Are you telling me what to do?!" He retorts, storming towards me with his towering figure. "What you say won't make me feel better! She's gone! You won't understand! You're too young to understand the amount of love, I have for her! She's...g-gone....." his voice trails off shaky, stumbling back from the grief. 

Offended I felt by his words, it resulted me feeling this nagging ache to my chest.

"I may not understand what you're going through," My voice came out a bit shakily, feeling some glass dig into my feet. "But I do know damn well, how it feels to lose someone! You don't get to cut me off, and bear it all alone--!"

His eyes narrow baring his teeth with a sneer, "You don't get to do that, no......" his voice lowers, dangerously. Shaking his head repeatedly, finger pointing at me, "She was my purpose in my life! My life! She gave me a reason to fight, to endure it and take it all head on...." he pants heavily, his face burning red with anger and tears rolling down. "......she's gone!! What is there for me to live for....? Huh?"

"......" 

I couldn't utter a word, with no answer to reach my tongue.

"ANSWER ME!!!!"

Flinching from his tone, I squeeze eyes shut. Tears stream down, my throat growing dry and numb. The words only came out incoherently, finding his behaviour too overwhelming. This wasn't like him, I know. He's beyond devastated, and all I can do is sympathise or be patient. My throat grows dry, not knowing what to do.

He's beyond my control.....

"ANSWER ME, HAYAMI!" He threw sheets of paper, and paint brushes in my direction. The ink cap loosens, feeling the ink splatter over me and the tatami floor. Staining me in black. "BRING HER BACK! IF YOU CARE SO MUCH FOR ME, BRING HER BACK!!!!"

My hands were trembling, the air growing shorter finding it difficult to breath. 

"What? Got nothing to say?" He questions, with a sneer upon his face. Nearing my face dangerously close, I take a step back only to feeling my foot being pierced by the shattered pieces of porcelain. Grimacing for a moment, I adjust my balance but he remains standing in a dominating stance above me.

"This isn't just Kanae's passing......is it?" my eyes meet his confidently, but with a mixture of concern. His breath hitches while I continue, taking this moment while I have the courage. "You dropped me as a Tsugoku........you stopped helping me train, and you're barely even here at your estate unless you need something from me....."

My hands ball into tight fists, til my knuckles grew white in frustration.

"...So, what's really going on here, Ryuji?!" as tears flow down, meeting his azure eyes. 

He growls lowly beneath his breath and without warning, before I saw stars for a moment. A stinging sensation accumulates across my cheek, the heat rushing across my face from where I was struck. In confusion my eyes lock with his, only to feel like my heart sank further. He held the eyes of that man, I thought I buried deep away from my memories. 

Staring into his eyes, all I could see was my father, with that same contemptuous look.

"You really want to know, why? Okay," He bitterly spoke, venom dripping with revulsion. "Because you look like her.......our mother. So naive, weak.........why did I believe you could become a slayer? I put too much faith in you, and seeing you reminds me that I failed our own mother. Our father!"

So, does this mean........he believed the same thing, father did? 

Thunder suddenly rumbles in the distance, but I couldn't care less about the weather. Hearing the truth left my body in shock, as if this was a side of Ryuji I'm unfamiliar to. Swallowing thickly trying to free my tightening throat, I tried to keep my head held high. He isn't father, he's my big older brother who saved me from our clan's massacre. This isn't right, but his words convinced me, others as if they were the very words of father's.

My body was trembling, as I had nothing but fear towards him.

"So get the hell out of here," He mutters hotly, turning around he took my nichirin blade from the stand upon the rosewood dresser. Without warning he threw it outside into the garden, following with my uniform and few items of mine scattering outside onto the verandah. Realising what he was asking for, my body hesitantly follows his command as I step back collecting my things. 

The pebbles shade darkens with every drop of rain, slowly becoming heavy by every dreading that I felt in the pit of my stomach.

"Don't show up here! I don't even want to look at you!" He adds, before slamming the doors shut. 

Droplets thread down the strands of my hair, the rain pelts down heavily causing me to grab my few things and blade before taking my leave. Tears well up more at the thought of him, being like father himself. It's been many years since the massacre, and yet it felt like deja vu again, but this time, it was the person I used to trust.

~*~

"Hayami? What's......" 

Shinobu blinks a few times, her eyes widen in the state I was in. Her hands hesitantly reaches towards my face, with her fingertips stained with the wet blotches of black ink. Analysing the large red mark across one side of my face, and soaked disheveled hair. Her actions were quick with concern, her hands with elegance and tenderness. Of all people, I wouldn't of thought standing before her for help.

"How.......last we saw each other.....you--" she began, but she noticed the shift of emotion behind my eyes. "You know what..........questions later, let's get you bathed......" She ushers me inside, taking my uniform hang over her forearm. Slowly I step inside leaving my sandals at the front verandah, before we walk around the building directed towards the bathhouse. 

Walking around I take in the butterfly mansion, as the rain comes down heavier than before.

"Is there a room vacant, for a few months or more?" I spoke up, while she guides me into the bathhouse. "Just to get myself sorted..."

"Let's talk after," She spoke sharply, before placing my clothes down. "You know how to use the bathhouse, I'll grab some fresh clothes.....and ask the kitchen to prepare a meal."

With a simple nod walking further in, I place my sword carefully beside my belongings. My movements were slow, as if my body lost it's purpose to move. The energy to take care of myself, after what went down back at my brother's estate. Still in denial that it all happened, my state was definitely proof that it did occur. 

Noticing a bath was already prepared; it seems my crow went ahead and informed Shinobu of my arrival. The steam rises from the water, feeling the warmth coaxing the room. 

Finally with my last layer of clothing was discarded, I sunk into the water feeling comfort in the warmth absorbing into my skin. Cupping it I began splashing my face to get rid of the ink, that partially dried on my skin as the dark liquid streams down my arms. Making sure I sunk my entire body beneath the water washing my hair and scrubbing my face thoroughly, allowing the heat to melt away my anxiety.

Surfacing back up I gasp for air, before leaning back allowing myself to sink into my thoughts.

There were a few suggestions I could've gone too, but the butterfly mansion was welcome for all slayers that didn't have a place to stay in. I couldn't have asked Lord Gyomei, he would be too busy to shelter me. Lord Tengen had three wives, and me seeking for shelter would be too much for him. I sure as hell didn't want to ask for Shinjuro Rengoku, he has such a harsh temper no one can tolerate. Giyuu? He's too quiet, and he would barely at his place. Jigoro is training one of his students.

Though I've grown accustomed to all Hashira, knowing them at a personal level.........I felt like a burden and my issues should be dealt alone.

Even Sanemi.........I didn't want to be a bother to him, let alone ask for help.......

"I've got your clothes over here, take your time!" Shinobu breaks me out of my thoughts, before she disappears yet again. Couldn't blame her either, being left awkwardly in the same room. Today has been the most roughest day in a long time, where I felt completely alone. He kicked me out without thought, and told me the exact same words my father once spoke to me. It was like I'm staring at a copy of him. It was scary to imagine.

For some reason I wondered what father truly thought of me, the moment I was born. Was he proud? Did he smile in relief to see mother well, with me swaddled in white cloth. Did he have that tender smile, when my youngest brother Riku was born? 

Why am I dwelling on that now, of all days? 

About to slap my face to knock me out of my thoughts, I pause realising my face was still sore from big brother's strike. "Maybe..........I'm only an inconvenience," murmuring to myself, lowering my hands to play with the rising bubbles. Popping one after the other, the thought kept repeating in my head.

~*~

"So.......that's what happened," 

Shinobu passes me some kind of ice pack for me upon my lap. She takes a seat in front of me with some warm green tea, and some mochi presented in the centre of us both. With myself dressed in a black Yukata and grey pants tied comfortably, I felt somewhat replenished physically. "I'm sorry to hear........he's way out of line, even after the death of........my sister. How can you be so accepting--"

My eyes flicker to meet hers firmly "Just pretend nothing happened," I strongly suggest, my voice barely warm or mellow this time.

"But.."

 "I only came here, because this.......won't raise suspicions. Even if he didn't kick me out, I would be scared to even live beneath the same roof as him," my hand grips the sleeve of my Yukata. "So this would've been my option anyway, and I appreciate you allowing me to stay."

Silence falls between us; the rain continues to heavily pelt down against the ceramic tiled roof top. The smell of earth lifting in the air felt like a new change, a new turn to my path. 

"He's your brother, I don't understand why...." She trails off, before drinking her tea with elegance. "......what else did he say? There's something your not telling me, is there?"

That's right, I didn't tell her what he personally thought of me. It was all too much, that even myself couldn't bring back to conversation. 

Shaking my head with a gentle fake smile, "Nothing, I guess he just needs space from me," with assurance, completely lying before her. 

We both are lying to each other, and I know despite our earlier conversation that she'll take my advice. She wouldn't accept her sister's death to be in vain. I knew deep down, we prefer to keep secrets so no one can stop ourselves. 

To keep being hard on our efforts......and being hypocrites in the end.

Reluctantly she sighs giving me a nod, "Very well then, I won't pry further," before nudging the bowl of Mochi. "Eat something sweet, might help make you feel better at least......distract the pain from your cheek......"

Grimacing at the thought of the nasty bruise that will follow, I take her offer and took a piece of Mochi and took a bite. The sweetness lingers on my tongue, feeling light tears welling in response realising how emotional I am.

"Hey.....hey Hayami," Shinobu exclaims with worry, with concern lacing her voice.

Wiping my eyes, I chuckle through my tears, "I'm fine, just haven't eaten in a while....." I assure her, with a disgusting sniffle. ".....thank you for giving me shelter, I really appreciate it....." eating another small piece of Mochi with a stupid fake smile on my face. Hiding my face behind the large sleeve of my Yukata, like a child.

"Let me get you a tissue," She quickly gets up, while my eyes fill with more watery tears. I couldn't help it anymore, after holding it all in at once. What's more funny is how I told Shinobu that could get through this, and hear I am sobbing in front of her. I'm pathetic.

I'm okay.......I'll be fine, maybe I'm just overreacting again......

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