*

TWO WEEKS LATER

"No!!!!!"  painfully crying out, as my hand reaches out grasping to nothing but thin air. Eyes widen, with nothing but despair and fear. My chest felt heavier while gathering the air I lacked, feeling my body sweating. A small short pants leave my lips, tears coating my cheeks with confusion shaking behind my eyes. What time is it? It must be at least around five....

My hand soon lowers, sinking beside me while tears threaten to spill more.

This nightmare is so painful.......why?

My body felt numb all over, seeing the vivid flashes of the nightmare, that I've had continuously for a few years already. Today felt more painful to breath, inhaling sharply while holding back the whimpers that wanted to leave my dry lips. Taking a moment to recover, I soon shift and lifted my top half running my fingers through my hair, hunching over suddenly feeling sick.

Standing up rather quickly, I ran to my bathroom feeling nauseous out of anxiety.

Finally collapsing to my knees to the toilet basin, and felt myself throw up heavily. Chest heaving tightly, the wave of nausea soon leaves me. My hair sprawls around messily, while I pant painfully, just wanting those nightmares to end. Flushing the toilet, I push myself up as the tiles leave red marks imprinted against my exposed knees.

"Dammit, I need to be strong," clenching my jaw tightly, dragging my feet towards the sink nearby. The moment my eyes rest upon the mirror, all I saw a mess, disappointment and a failure. Purple surfaces beneath my eyes, with tear stains and bloodshot eyes, hair messily tied up with my oversized shirt hung one side of my shoulder.

Twisting the tap I bend down cupping my hands together, gathering some water before drinking it swishing it around. Spitting it in the basin I then gather more water, and splashed my face feeling the cold water awaken me. Splashing my face a few times, I grab my towel and padded my face dry before a heavy sigh leaves my lips.

When will these nightmares stop? It hurts so much.....it hurts to see them die over and over again repeatedly........

I've only slept about an hour or three at the longest, but when I do these nightmares come back, allowing the painful memories to invade my head. No one knows about them, and no one should know anyway. These were my own problems and responsibility, to resolve myself alone and I alone.

//

The rush of the breeze allowed myself to take in everything, while I flew high in the air. Tree to tree, my movements become sharper and more stronger, as every minute goes by. The anger diminishing, and the stress slowly dissolving into nothing.

Seeing the new recruits come in, with slight confidence made me happy.

It made me rather proud to show their courage, especially making the Commander impressed which was rather rare for some. Despite that, so many turned their backs on the real world, and the reality of what's to come, I knew how they felt.

Fear.....such a common word, especially facing the eyes of death....

My hair messily clung to my sweaty temple, while my heart beats faster, the wind pounding against my ears. Yet, I enjoyed the euphoric feeling when soaring through the air, with no ounce of fear, falling. Closing my eyes for a moment, I fall backwards feeling nothing but peace. Soon feeling the warmth from the earth growing warmer every moment I drew nearer, I soon activate my ODM before pulling me back up catching myself.

After flying high up I land upon a branch to catch my breaths, feeling myself pushing a little too hard. My palm rests against the bark of the tree, while lifting my eyes out to the sunrise that displayed beautifully. The orange and red merge into a soft gradient, allowing the gold to illuminate the hue of the light.

Pulling my blade slowly from my holster, my eyes rest upon the reflection of the silver blade. The sharp end looks so smooth, yet it could cut deeper. Wondering if I took my own life, would people care?

My hand lifts with blade in hand, realising my life is controlled by my actions.

The sharp tip rests at my throat, eyes flutter closed trying to understand what peace was and if I could end this. Inching further to my skin, it pierces a thin line for a moment. Inhaling slowly, I breath out when my eyes flutter open being greeted with the sun brightening before me. The sun coaxes my face tenderly, kissing against my cheeks.

Realisation soon hits me.

My eyes rest half way, "That's right.....I've got to train the recruits..." I softly spoke to myself, a little hesitant, not wanting to leave this spot. With a deep sigh I lower myself and sat down, watching the sunrise slowly just wanting to clear my head a little longer. Taking a big deep breath in, I soon exhale easing my mind.

The blade in hand had a thin line of my warm blood, as I wipe my thumb along the blunt surface. Slipping it in my holster, my hand drifts to my neck tenderly, feeling the warmth of my blood against my fingertips.

There was no pain, only a lingering sting.

//

WITHIN THE BARRACKS

Walking within the barracks of the Scouts Castle, I heard the soldiers laughter and chattering echoes down the hallway. After an eventful day, all I wanted was to take a quick shower and finish up with my paperwork. With documents and forms needing to be reviewed, and signed, my mind was focused on completing those.

A pillow soon flies across from one of the dorms, before another puffed out feathers.

Heading in that direction my eyes turn to have a quick glimpse, only to see Jean and Connie fighting over the top bunks. Seriously ever since they came a week ago, they've been at this continuously. Pausing in my steps, I went over and leaned against the frame of the door, arms folded.

"Boys....!" I raise my voice, mainly speaking to the two quarreling kids.

The two pause in what they were doing, turning to me before they straighten up like stiff soldiers. I flick my hand with reassurance, "No need for that, seriously," I smirk softly, with an amused smile.

"Corporal, w-what can......?" Jean was about to ask, when Connie jumps on him covering his head with a pillow. "Argh get off dammit, the Corporal is right there!!!! Pay some damn respect!"

"You idiot, don't act so innocent," Connie scoffs, when I shot him a warn glance. He was taken back, slowly releasing Jean and drops the pillow. "S-Sorry."

I chuckle softly, "If this is about the top bunk, toss a coin?" I suggest, pulling out a loose quarter in hand. "Whoever lands on what, you will be on the top and the other on the bottom.....okay, fair as I can get?"

"But what if we both want the top?" Connie questions, while seeing Bertholdt and Reiner sat on the side being two bunk beds within the room.

Raising an eyebrow, I smirk.

"Then you should change beds every two days or three days?" I suggest, trying to compromise with this tiny dilema. "Seriously you're old enough to decide you two, and I apologise we have small bunk rooms......but this is an old building."

Jean finally goes for my suggestion, as I rest the coin on my index and thumb beneath. Soon I flick it high into the air, seeing the bronze coin spin before catching it and flipping it over.

I gave the boys a playful smile, "Who goes for what?" while keeping the coin covered, seeing the two look deep in thought. "Whatever it lands on will be on the top."

Connie hums with a serious look in his amber eyes, "Hmmmm......."

"I will go for heads," Jean claims.

Connie sighs, "Guess tails......"

Slowly uncovering the coin, it soon lands on "..........Tails," I reveal, causing Connie eyes to widen.

"Heck yes! Finally!!!" he threw his fist in the air, with a smug look soon shot towards Jean. He pokes his tongue out, while putting on a teasing dance towards his comrade while I smile softly. Poor Jean stood there, trying to not let the loss being over exaggerated.

Trying to stifle my laughter, I purse my lips into a thin line.

I place a hand on his shoulder, "Don't worry, you will get the top bunk in three days," I assure him softly, while he nods reluctantly accepting defeat for now. "Now pick up your pillows you left in the hall, don't want hear any complaints that you two are fighting again, alright?"

The two nod in unison, "Yes Ma'am,"

Turning to the quiet soldiers on the other side, my eyes watch Reiner suspiciously before turning on my heel. Why do I still feel this unsettling feeling again? Is it just nerves? Or I haven't settled down from this morning?

Shaking my head I turn the corner leaving the new soldiers alone, but all I could do was smile. It's been a while since we've heard normal arguing, or even just playful arguments.

//

NEXT DAY

Levi and I barely have spent time together for a while, not entirely on purpose but because we had a few separate jobs. Nonetheless, I tried focusing on my work at least, trying to distract myself. When he's ready to be with me, I will be ready.

Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me about what is going on in his mind, which if he wanted to keep things quiet, I wouldn't mind. I was doing the same, so I didn't want to be a hypocrite in the matter.

The Sun was almost reaching noon,

Yet here I was in my office, elbow propped up with forms at the tips of my fingers, awaiting to be signed. My hand hesitantly goes to sign again another form, which was just sent this afternoon from Erwin directly. They were rather important, but my brain was elsewhere. Wanting to sleep so badly, the nightmares would threaten me, so I refused to fall asleep.

"Lena, you are excused......." I spoke up, as she sighs propping herself from the seat beside me. Book in hand, she turns to me with concern. ".....I'll finish this, so don't wait......alright?"

She huffs heavily, "You sure?" nodding, she drew closer. "You sure, sure?"

Giving her nonchalant glance,"Yes, I am sure.......now go help the recruits out, alright?"

After a few protesting grunts and groans she finally left the office, while I stare at the papers. Soon my vision blurs for a moment, hazing in and out while I trying to shake my head to focus on my papers. Usually when I'm doing my usual routine, I wouldn't be this exhausted.

The pen soon scribbles my signature upon the paper, and placing it upon the pile. Repeating the routine over and over, my mind drifts somewhere else. I wasn't tired as much, but the nightmares would haunt me. They kept me down, remembering the looks they gave me. Blaming me constantly for failing to save them, especially with my brother blaming me still.

A struggled gasp of air breaks the silence, before I push myself up deciding to go outside and grab some fresh air.

Finally finding myself outside light clouds dusted the sky, but not enough for rain to ruin the day.

With my sketchbook in hand, I find my usual spot up on the roof balcony to rest by so I could relax and ease my mind. I knew I was working myself too harshly, but it was the only way to distract my mind from the constant painful nightmare. Thankfully Levi wasn't around, or he would be nagging me if I reveal any sign of discomfort or tears.

Adjusting myself against the cold bricks, I rest my sketchbook on my knees that were pressed together. Eager to finish off Petra's portrait, as she was last to sketch in the squad, I pull my pencil out and flipped the many previous portraits, finally landing on my almost finished one.

Humming softly, pencil meets the paper and sank into my own small world.

With the light beauty spots I dust upon her cheeks, I shade the side that was darker than the other side. The sound was a satisfying, with the gentle grazes. Reaching to her hair, I gently swish light wisps of her locks in one following direction. My eyes rest halfway, wondering who else shall I do next?

I've done my former squad....

I've the 104th regiment......

I've done Lena and Hanji........

My eyes harden for a moment wondering if I should do Levi soon, as I've always hesitated. I wanted to wait a little longer, but then again I had nothing else to do. Doing my small signature, and writing her name down, I lick my thumb and flipped the page to a fresh new one.

"Hmm....." eyes trained upon the blank page, I begin doing round shapes getting the write proportions of him right. Lightly getting his face shape right, I noticed more detail to his facial structure. It was somewhat narrow and lean, but his side profile would be a sharp but a soft jawline. Slowly remembering every close moment I had with him, I took his handsome in my memory.

"There you are," his voice breaks the still silence, causing me to close my book casually not wanting him to see. If I jolted or even made a big reaction, he would definitely nag me.

Lifting my head there stood Levi, as he kneels down sitting up against the bricks beside me.

"How was Trost?" I ask gently, remembering he went to collect a few things at the Trost HQ Scout division. "Did the Commander gather more intel, or anything important?"

He shook his head with a grunt, before a heavy tired sigh leaves his lips.

"No, just more supplies and documents on the new recruits," snaking an arm around my waist, tugging me to his side. Placing my book down beside me, I melt into his arms even though it was unlike him too. He rests his head on top of mine, while I took his other hand and interlaced my fingers through his.

"Okay........" pulling my head away, I turn to him. "......so are you feeling alright? Haven't seen you since yesterday afternoon."

"I'm fine, just busy," He replies quietly, before I shuffle around to get a better glance of his face. Leaning closer I press a soft kiss to his lips, pulling away to give him a teasing smile. Yet, I saw an annoyed expression.

"Hmm, did I do something wrong--?" I didn't even finish my full sentence, when he pulls me in by the waist tugging me forward. My eyes widen before his calloused hand glides along my jawline, tilting my chin up to meet his steel gaze. His nose brushes against mine, while his warm breath ghosts against my lips.

"Did I say stop.......?" his voice grew husky, and deep causing my cheeks to burn.

Brushing his nose against mine again he leans in, taking my lips with his. Squeaking in response I slowly melt into his demanding touch, as my knees soon straddle his waist subconsciously. Chests pressed together, he tilts his head while our lips move passionately and longingly.

He inhales and exhales deeply through his nose, while my fingers made their way to his hair, tangling them.

I pull his hair softly, earning a groan which he swallowed into our heated kiss. He tasted bitter like black coffee, and mint, but he made it so addicting I just couldn't get enough. All my worries were soon washed away, not remembering why I felt tired or mentally exhausted.

Lungs burning for air we pull away, but his grip on my plush hips tighten.

He murmurs in a raspy voice, "god you're beautiful,"

My eyes were glazed over with a dark hue across my cheeks, trying to gather the air I forgot to inhale. His pupils flicker from my lips, to match my loving gaze. He was so attractive when he was more assertive than I was, especially when I was afraid making my move.

He soon leans down to my throat only to pause, feeling his calloused thumb trail along the sore stinging cut I placed yesterday.

"What's this? Why is it fresh?" He questions sternly, when I shook my head.

Covering it up, my eyes leave his.

"Nothing major, I must've accidentally scratched myself," I lie, which he took the pathetic lie I just said. He still held a hesitant expression, before taking my hand away from the scra, pressing a warm tender against the wound. Another peck was placed upon it again, and this time he peppers my soft flesh, trailing down to my collarbone.

"L-levi," a breathy whine leaves my lips, holding onto him. My eyes flutter shut, allowing him to savour my skin.

His hands slid up my shirt gripping my flesh, while his thumbs rub in circular motions against my plush tummy. Whimpering beneath him, I soon felt teeth graze against my neck before he bites into my skin. Biting back a moan, while he licks and suck against my skin.

"You taste so sweet," he murmurs against my warm skin, licking the saw spot he put so much effort into. "Dammit, I want you so badly."

His voice grew shaky, but more bold and confident.

Soon I felt his hands pull away from under my shirt, and pulls me close by gripping my doughy thighs. My breath hitches in my throat, when his lips press eagerly along my jawline to the tip of my ear. He brushes away my locks, before his lips finally reach mine.

Moving in sync his hands soon start to tug at the hem of my shirt, like he was asking for permission. Cheeks burning as we pull away, I shook my head afraid he would be disappointed in my own body. I wasn't ready for him to take me, not yet anyway. Yet, I do want him to be my first, knowing my love is undying for him.

"I'm not ready....." I whisper, but he tilts my chin up to meet his eyes.

"That's okay, I just wanted to see you," he says, cupping my face gently. His cheeks were a dark hue, sweat aligning his forehead nervously.

Yet he doesn't know the many scars that marred across my body, ones I'm too ashamed to reveal to him.

He rests his head against mine, closing our eyes for a moment.

"Don't get me wrong, I do......but," my voice grew smaller, the more I dwelled on it.

"I understand, I will wait....." he whispers, pressing a soft and tender kiss to my lips. "Everyone is different, but if I want something with you......I will wait."

Warm tears roll down afraid he would've hated that, knowing most men would give anything to have a night with a woman. Yet this man right here, was something that I would consider myself lucky. His patience was enough, and his words were so sincere, that it would something rare to come from his own words.

Soon with little confidence I press my lips against his lovingly, expressing how grateful I was to him. He was taken back for a moment, when his hands settle against my plush hips.

A chuckle leaves his throat, not breaking the kiss we soon give in too. My hands wrap around his neck pulling him in closer, basking in his scent and warmth. His tongue gently swipes beneath my bottom lip teasingly, allowing our tongues to dance together. Our kiss grew more passionate, even though I knew I was torturing him with the way I made him feel.

Soon pull away after a while, my body grew more giddy inside.

My wraps wrap around his torso as my body falls limp in his arms, closing my eyes slowly embracing his warmth. His arms comfortably pull me in, my head nestled in the crook of his neck pressing a soft kiss against the base of his throat.

"Thank you.......Levi," I mumble with a small yawn, snuggling closer into his arms.

He hums softly, "You're welcome,"

After so long of painful nights of rest, his arms made me feel more safe and secure. It's like he could make me sleep well again, even just a few hours were enough. No matter, he still makes me feel protected......

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