chapter seventeen:

the weight of it all

~💚~

madigan sat on the edge of her bed, staring blankly at her phone. billie's name lit up the screen with another text, but she couldn't bring herself to open it yet. they had been texting back and forth for days now, trying to find time to hang out again, but every time she thought about seeing billie, about stepping further into her world, the anxiety hit her like a punch to the gut.

it wasn't that she didn't want to see billie. god, she did. that was the problem. she wanted her too much. the kiss they'd shared, the nights they spent talking until the early hours of the morning, the way billie looked at her like she was the only person in the room—it was all too much and too real. and the intensity of it scared the shit out of her.

"just fucking text her back," kara's voice broke through her thoughts, her roommate leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed, watching madigan with a raised brow. "you're driving yourself crazy for no reason."

madigan sighed, dropping her phone onto the bed. "i'm not driving myself crazy."

kara rolled her eyes. "you've been staring at your phone for the last twenty minutes, overthinking every damn thing. if that's not driving yourself crazy, i don't know what is."

madigan groaned, burying her face in her hands. "it's just... complicated."

"it doesn't have to be," kara said, stepping further into the room. "you like her, she clearly fucking likes you. what's the problem?"

"the problem is," madigan started, her voice muffled by her hands, "she's billie fucking eilish. she's not just some girl i met at a concert. she's a goddamn superstar, and i'm... i don't know... i'm just me. i don't fit into that world, kara. i don't know how to."

kara sat down next to her on the bed, placing a hand on madigan's shoulder. "so what if she's famous? she's still just a person. and she chose you. that means something."

madigan lifted her head, her eyes meeting kara's. "but what if i can't handle it? the attention, the constant eyes on us... i'm not used to any of this. her fans already fucking hate me, and we're not even together. imagine if we actually were."

kara was quiet for a moment, her expression softening. "look, i get it. it's a lot. but billie clearly sees something in you. and from what i've seen, you're happier when you're with her. isn't that worth at least trying?"

madigan sighed, her mind racing. kara was right. she was happier when she was with billie. but every time she thought about the life that came with billie, the constant scrutiny, the pressure—it made her stomach twist in knots.

"it's not just about being with her, though," madigan said quietly. "it's about being part of her world. and i don't know if i'm strong enough to handle that."

kara gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "you're stronger than you think. and if billie's worth it, you'll figure it out. but you've gotta decide if you're willing to take that risk."

madigan nodded slowly, her mind still a whirlwind of doubts and what-ifs. she knew she had feelings for billie, deeper than anything she'd felt for anyone in a long time. but the idea of stepping into billie's life, with all its chaos and attention—it felt like stepping off the edge of a cliff.

she grabbed her phone again, staring at billie's last text.

let's hang out tonight. just the two of us. i miss you.

her heart ached as she read the words. she could practically hear billie's voice in her head, soft and teasing, but with that underlying vulnerability that billie tried so hard to hide. and that was the thing. billie missed her. the girl who could have anything or anyone, missed her.

madigan sighed, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. she was scared, but maybe kara was right. maybe some things were worth the risk.

she typed out a quick response and hit send before she could overthink it again.

okay. your place or mine?

later that night, madigan stood outside billie's place, her heart pounding in her chest as she waited for the door to open. she hadn't seen billie in person since that night in the bar when they'd both bared their feelings, and the tension between them had been almost unbearable. now, as she stood here, she wasn't sure what she was walking into.

the door swung open, and there she was—billie, standing in the doorway with a wide grin on her face, her green roots glowing under the soft porch light. "you made it," she said, stepping aside to let madigan in.

"yeah," madigan breathed, stepping inside. "i made it."

billie closed the door behind her, and the moment it clicked shut, madigan could feel the air shift between them. the tension that had been simmering for weeks was still there, but now it was mixed with something else—something heavier, more intense.

billie reached out, brushing a strand of hair behind madigan's ear. "i've been thinking about you a lot," she said softly, her voice low and rough around the edges.

madigan swallowed hard, her heart racing at the closeness of billie, the warmth of her fingers against her skin. "me too," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

billie smiled, but it was a small, hesitant smile, not the usual cocky grin that madigan had come to expect. "i've been trying to give you space," billie said, her hand still lingering near madigan's face, "because i know this is all a lot. but... fuck, i miss you, mads. i don't want to push you, but i can't keep pretending like i don't feel this. like we don't feel this."

madigan's breath caught in her throat. she had been feeling the same way—the pull between them, the magnetic tension that seemed to grow stronger every time they were together. but hearing billie say it out loud, hearing the vulnerability in her voice, made it all so much more real.

"i don't want to keep pretending either," madigan said quietly, her eyes locking with billie's. "but i don't know if i'm ready for... everything that comes with you."

billie's smile faltered for a moment, her eyes searching madigan's face. "you don't have to be ready for all of it," she said softly. "i just want you to be ready for me."

madigan felt her heart twist at the sincerity in billie's words. billie wasn't asking her to dive headfirst into the chaos of her celebrity life. she was just asking her to be present, to be there with her, in whatever capacity she could manage.

"i'm trying," madigan admitted, her voice shaking slightly. "i'm really fucking trying, billie."

billie stepped closer, her hand finally resting on madigan's cheek. "that's all i need," she whispered, her breath warm against madigan's lips.

for a moment, neither of them moved. the tension between them hung in the air, thick and heavy, but this time it wasn't just the tension of uncertainty. it was the tension of desire, of something undeniable pulling them closer together.

then, in one swift motion, billie closed the gap between them, her lips crashing against madigan's. the kiss was hungry, desperate, like they had both been waiting too long for this moment. madigan felt her whole body light up with electricity as billie's hands slid around her waist, pulling her closer, deeper into the kiss.

and for that moment, all of madigan's doubts, all of her fears, melted away. there was only billie. only this.