CHAPTER 17

A Better Man

     When Kaz had watched Brynn flirt—no, attempt to flirt—with the officer, he didn't know he could feel so much jealousy, all at once. He wanted to be the one she laughed with, had fun with, maybe even danced with. He wanted her to touch him, but there was no denying how impossible that would have been. Flashbacks were inevitable, no matter who Kaz touched.

But in the rushing river, the sound roaring even beneath the water, Kaz thought back. She'd never touched him, skin to skin. Before this job, she probably hadn't touched anyone in years. And that dress she wore made it increasingly hard to go against his better nature.

The boy gripped in his hand, Kaz reached out, hoping to find Brynn. She'd jumped in after him, but when he hit the icy cold water, he didn't see anything else. He only felt the bodies all around him, Jordie's lifeless body helping keep him afloat.

Kaz hated being this way. He couldn't be normal, he couldn't have a relationship with anyone like the rest of the world. He was afraid he might never be able to touch anyone ever again without the feeling of Jordie's dead flesh under his fingertips.

A thought occurred to him. What if that's exactly like what Brynn feels? The blackened flesh of her parents' skin under her fingertips?

And yet she still gave him his gloves back, instead of taking them for herself. Kaz wasn't sure if he'd let her go with them. And besides, a Menagerie girl wearing gloves? It would ruin the whole plan.

Stop speaking as Dirtyhands, Kaz. Start thinking like a Rietveld. A true man, Kaz, who can give that girl everything she deserves and more.

Brynn had spoken about what she thought she deserved. Kaz hadn't told her, but he thought she deserved nothing like the shallow grave she spoke about. Brynn deserved the world, even if the world didn't deserve her. And even the world wouldn't have been enough for her. Kaz would try to give her the world, but the world is a broken and awful place. She deserved life, happiness, and she wouldn't get that with him. Not with Kaz Brekker.

He might have been broken. He might have been twisted beyond belief. He'd killed people without remorse, threatened so many more. He was a mess of a man, if he could even call himself such. Matthias called him a demon. That was true enough.

They both had ghosts that haunted them. They both were messed up inside and outside. But that wouldn't stop Kaz from trying. From trying to be a better man. From trying to be a better man for her. Because he might not have deserved her, but he would do anything just to take the chance.

There was no way Kaz was going to give her up willingly. But it would take some time—and a lot of work—that he was really hoping she'd be patient enough to lend him. Because there was one thing that both Kaz Brekker and Kaz Rietveld had in common.

They never gave up.

a/n— I know this chapter is a little shorter and a little more boring, but Kaz made a lot of interesting realizations, so yay! Let me know what you think!