#% ILLIAD MOON <3 !!!

"moonie," felix shouts as he walks down my driveway, "text us so we can do dinner sometime this week! or maybe hang out!"

"i will! love you guys!" i shout to the boys as they walk out to the parked car in front of my house. "love you!" they all shout before the sound of doors opening and closing and the car starting fills the air.

i shut the front door and turn back. yeonjun and penny stand behind me, my parents behind them, harley on my moms hip.

"they're cool" yeonjun says before i can even get a word out of my mouth. "by they, i mean felix" he says some more before i can speak again. "i thought they were all very nice and sweet," penny pauses to look away before she turns back and speaks again, "and handsome."

"you love men in a way that is so, how do i say this? concerning" yeonjun sighs, his fingertips rubbing along his temples. penny starts to argue back to yeonjun's comment and i watch as the smiles on my parents faces grow and they start to laugh as my two friends bicker back and forth.

"alright, enough" i say walking in between the two of them. yeonjun looks over the top of my head, squinting his eyes at penny on the other side. she returns the squint right back.

"you guys, are a riot" my mother is laughing. her legs are crossed and she's slightly bent over, laughing her head off. harley laughs with her, soft sweet giggles coming from his small body.

"harley! you think that's funny?" penny says and he laughs even more. "oh he thinks it's hilarious" yeonjun says, chuckling along with him. "it's funny because he has absolutely no clue what's going on" my dads voice raises and tickles harley's stomach.

i laugh along and the 6 of us chuckle and chuckle for no reason at all.

i love these moments. at home, with family, laughing for absolutely no reason at all. these are the moments that make life worth living, or rather, make it bearable.

my phone buzzes in my pocket and i grab it,
pulling it out so i can see whatever notification just interrupted my giggle session.

' channie (christopher bang):
hi lil sis, miss you ❤️
wanna come over for snacks and a talk?
need to run some things by you '

a smile is quick to show on my face when i see who the text message is from. "who has you smiling?" my mom asks, moving her head to see what is written on my device.

"chan, he texted me asking me to go to his place" i smile. "is this another dude i have to worry about beating up" yeonjun jokingly sighs, putting his head in his hands again. my head shakes at his dramatics before i utter a word, "no, he's like my older brother, i've seen him once since i've been back."

chan has been my lifeline and savior since the day i met him. being the oldest, and only, child for many years, i never had an older sibling to look up to, to get advice from. i didn't even have older family members. the entirety of my extended family lived sprawled across two continents.

much of my mothers family still lived in greece and other scattered countries in europe. a majority of my fathers closest family lived in australia, along with my mothers parents.

i haven't seen my older cousins since i was 10 and not having anyone to give me advice was hard.

the day we all met, or rather started talking to chan, it was like i had my own older brother. i know he had younger siblings, ones younger than me, but he always made me feel like i was one of his siblings too. i was someone he considered family.

chan has seen me in my worst moments. in high school, more times than i can count, i laid on his couch and bawled my eyes out over hwang hyunjin and any other thing my naive self could cry about. i'd cry and scream about my problems and chan would sit there and listen to the very end, even when my rants went on for well over an hour. he would sit and listen until i was done.

there was sometimes he couldn't help and would just be the shoulder for me to cry on.

he's always meant more than the world to me.

i look up at penny and yeonjun and think about how they became my chan when i moved away. they became my lifeline when everything quickly turned to complete and absolute shit. "i'll just text him and tell him not right now" i say, my fingers swiping into his message.

penny's hand grabs mine before i can even type a single letter. "don't you dare" she squints her eyes at me. "what?" my voice raises a few octaves as i glance between her and yeonjun.

"go see him!" penny urges me, her eyes wider than i have ever seen them before. "i don't want to leave you two here alone," i hesitate, "you guys are here and i already felt bad enough for leaving you the one time."

"illi," yeonjun sighs, "as much as we love you, we're not here just for you. we came here to be back and see some family and just overall, be in the country again. i promise you, we will be fine if you leave for a few hours."

penny's head nods vigorously. "illi, the world will not end if you aren't with us for a little bit. we can keep ourselves occupied doing whatever" penny says, a smile painted across her face. yeonjun, who stands beside her now, gives a nod. "like i said" he raises his eyebrows.

i glance between the two of them. hesitance still resides within me. they raise their eyebrows and i finally agree. "fine! okay!" i sigh out, "but please, for the love of god behave yourselves!"

my hand grabs my phone again and my fingers slide across the keyboard as i send chan a text back.

' illiad moon (lil sis):
   i'd love to! i'll head over soon!            '

i turn on my heels, walking away from friends and towards my bedroom. i climb over the gate at the bottom and ascend, my footsteps soft against the wooden boards. the door to my bedroom is still open from the stampede of boys that just left my house a mere 5 minutes prior.

as soon as i enter my room, i see the absolute mess all of them had made. pillows and blankets thrown about, piles of snacks and their empty wrappers in various places, everything all over. i sigh thinking about the mess im going to have to clean up later. that's gonna be hell.

my legs take me to my closet. i sort through all of my comfy wear until i find a nice big sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. i exchange outfits before turning into the bathroom.

my hairbrush sits next to my sink, i take some time to rake it through the knots and tangles that take their place within my dark hair.

it's a few seconds of looking at myself in the mirror before i turn on my heels back towards the door. benny lays on my bed, eyes closed, all curled up in my soft blankets. i let my hand run across him, softly petting his soft fur.

benny's eyes fly open when i make contact with him before chirping and closing his eyes again when he realizes that it's me.

i pet him for a few seconds before grabbing the canvas bag that sits at my desk, and taking off towards the stairs.

my family and two friends are sitting in the living room now, eyes fixated on the television, a few words coming from all of them.

"i'll be back soon, i promise you guys!" i say, rocking back and forth on my heels. all their heads leave the television screen to look over at me. "have fun!" penny and my mom chirp at the same time, looking at each other after they have finished their collective comment. they chuckle and look back to me.

"stay out late, don't worry about us" yeonjun says and penny's head starts nodding. "yes, please have fun and don't rush yourself!"

i salute all of them before walking towards the door. there, i slip into my shoes before bidding them all adieu.

my hand rustles through my bag as i feel around for my car keys. it's a second of me feeling around different objects before i can feel the sharp edges of my many keys on their chain.

the car comes to life as soon as i turn the key, the radio turning on to a random station. i glance down when the familiar singing voice echoes from my speakers. a song from jaemin's group. are you kidding me. my hand reaches and i turn down the volume before i can even blink.

i sit, gripping the steering wheel for a solid minute before i put the car in reverse and take off towards chan's apartment.

i drive through the bustling streets of seoul, the city alive and active with its usual symphony of both sounds and sights. neon lights all over the city flicker on as the sun dips completely under the horizon. the lights from the buildings and the signs cast a glow on the sidewalks and the people walking among them.

the silence in my car allows the sounds from the city to seep through. the hum of people's conversations, the clatter of construction in the distance, and the sound of horns honking forms a sound that comforts me. a sound that i hear every day in new york, it's different though, it makes me feel at home.

the towering buildings eventually give way to smaller buildings and narrower streets lined with small businesses and boutiques, glowing with light and inviting window displays.

my vents pick up the aroma of various food places, making my stomach grumble as the tantalizing scent tickles my nose. drool practically seeps from my mouth as i drive. i'm going to have to convince chan to either make us some actual food, or order something in.

it's not long before i turn onto a quieter street and chan's apartment building shines bright in the background. i park my car and as soon as i get out, i can feel the cool, evening air hit my face.

i haven't been here in over a year. standing outside of chan's apartment building, i tilt my head up, my eyes taking the familiar structure in. the lights of the city are caught within the windows of the building, sparkling in the reflection. a smile tugs at the corner of my lips, this place feels the exact same.

before i can even think, my legs take me to and through the very building. the elevator stands in the center of the building, its metallic doors gleaming underneath the bright fluorescent lights in the lobby of the building.

my hand extends forward and presses the worn out up button, immediately the doors slide open with a soft chime. i step inside and press the button for chan's floor. i know i just saw him, but this is different. i get to really talk to him, fill him in on what has happened within the past year, close that gap in time.

there's one older lady, maybe in her early sixties, in the elevator with me and she smiles once before turning away from me.

i anxiously smooth my hair out as the elevator lets out a soft hum, rising up through the floors. each soft ding and i can feel my heart rate quicken. almost there. i'm so excited.

when the doors open, i step into the dimly lit hallway, turning my body towards the direction of chan's apartment. it's a short walk around the corner and down some more before i arrive at his door.

my hand makes a fist and my knuckles meet the wooden object. i can hear a bit of rustling before the door opens and he's in front of me, a big wide smile on his face. his grin is warm and familiar and feels like home . i hug him tightly before either of us can get a word out.

"jeez moonie, you're gonna kill me" chan's deep voice is strained as i squeeze the life out of him.

i can't help it, i squeeze him just like i did in the airport before i left. every bit of my soul poured into encasing him in the hug. i squeeze and i squeeze until my arms ache and my grip around him finally loosens.

"jesus moonie," chan deeply exhales, drawing a few deep breaths like i actually might have crushed his lungs. "have you been hitting the gym or something?" he asks jokingly. his body stretched to the side finishing with an exaggerated wince and a hand coming up to cup it. "i am pretty sure you broke one of my ribs" chan says and we both chuckle.

i laugh at his comment, shaking my head. my arm comes up and i flex my muscles jokingly. "what can i say," i chuckle a little bit more, "i'm simply built like this."

we both laugh together, the sound bouncing off of the walls of his entrance.

chan steps to the side allowing me to fully enter into his apartment. the moment i step inside i'm hit with so many memories. his apartment feels familiar, but distant at the same time, like a favorite song that you no longer listen to. it's somewhat calming. i spent so much time here in my high school years, it feels like a home away from home.

the apartment is exactly the same as it always had been. the sleek kitchen, the large black couch pushed up against the windows, the large tv mounted onto the wall, the same pictures placed in their exact same spots. everything is the exact same.

the only difference is a new shelf in the corner next to the couch. large and white and lined with different music awards from this past award season. i stop for a second when i see them, a large smile falling over my face. something in my heart warms and i feel like i could be brought to tears.

it's proof of everything he has worked for for years. everything he has achieved over the last year. i am so beyond proud of him.

i step closer to the shelf, seemingly pulled in by their brilliant shine in the dim lights. "chan, these are absolutely amazing" i murmur, just loud enough for the older boy to hear me.

he comes up beside me, so close i can feel his energy just radiating to me. his eyes stay fixated onto the trophies, like he is still trying to convince himself that they're real. "i still can't believe that they're mine. i pinch myself every time i come out to look at them" he says, never taking his eyes off of them.

a second of silence falls between us before he starts speaking again. "i hope to fill the entire shelf someday" he says. i look over at chan, smiling still.

there are four already. four in just this award season alone. this is only the beginning for him.

"this is incredible chan, you're incredible," i beam at him, "i guarantee you that this shelf will be overflowing with awards two years from now." chan chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck before speaking, "you have so much, maybe too much, faith in me moonie."

"i have the faith because i know you dude," i reply  immediately, "this. wow. this is truly just the start dude. it's absolutely unbelievable. i'm so proud of you."

another moment of silence falls over us before he places his arms around both of my shoulders, squeezing me next to him. "thank you moonie" is all chan says, a smile beaming on his face.

we stay by the shelf for another minute, chatting about the trophies and how just absolutely amazing they are. for his first time being nominated for any awards, he won almost all of the categories he was nominated for.

after our small chat is over, the two of us migrate over to the couch like we normally do. the same well-loved blanket is tossed over the back of chan's couch, just like it always has been.

i don't hesitate to make myself right at home as i always have, throwing the big blanket over my lap and cuddling into the corner that i swear has my butt perfectly indented in it.

the moment that i mention i am hungry, chan jumps up into the kitchen. i can hear rustling for a few minutes before my friend returns with an armful of snacks and drinks for the two of us. he dumps them all into a pile in the space between us, smiling when he has done so.

"there," he puts his hands on his hips, "now we won't have to move for a few hours."

and we don't.

the next few hours, chan and i talk. and i mean really talk. we trade stories of what our lives have been like in the past year and some change. i tell him everything about the jaemin situation and he listens, very closely, his expressions frequently shifting as i tell him the story. when i finish the aching details, he sighs, falling back into the couch.

"i talked to jaemin a few times," chan admits, shaking his head and looking out the window. "i thought it was always weird that he never mentioned you. but i figured.... i don't even know. i should've thought harder about that" he shakes his head again, as do i.

i don't say a single thing though.

chan moves on, telling me about his life as a producer, the incredible people that he has met, the many different moments that still don't feel real to him. i tell him about my life in new york. everything, my school, my friends, both the beauty and the chaos of all of it.

our conversation flows easily, as it always has. but there is one single thing that i don't bring up to him.

hyunjin. i never bring up hyunjin.

i probably should. i know. chan could give me the best advice, or at the very least, listen to me without any judgment. chan was the only one that knew about everything. he knew the extent of my crush, that i was the one sending him the letters, everything. if anyone should know about the two kisses, it should be chan.

i don't utter anything about the boy though. i leave that important detail out.

time slips away from the two of us, and before i know it, its late. way too late. i stretch my body out, sighing as i realize i should probably get home to my family, penny, and yeonjun.

chan walks me to the door of his apartment and we exchange a goodbye, hugging after we do. there's a sense of warmth in the air as i walk away from chan's apartment. seeing him again was nothing short of a relief. i was worried that i wouldn't get the chance to see him again while i was home in korea, and now that i have, i feel at peace.

the drive back is quiet for me. no music, no other distractions. just the soft sounds of my car and the small clamoring of nightlife.

when i finally pull into my driveway, i exhale and lean back into the drivers seat. there's a soft smile on my face. tonight was good, the entire day was good.

i step out of the car and lock my doors. i get ready to head inside when i hear the soft shuffling of feet a little ways down the street. i continue to walk closer to my house before a sound is heard.

"illiad" my name is called out in the night.

and my heart drops.

AUTHORSNOTE.zip
who expected this post.... probably no
one. i have been incredibly silent on this
app and especially this book for almost
a year!! but i missed it and wanted to
update not only the book, but my
readers as well! hi guys!!! it's been a
while, i'm in my second semester of