#% ILLIAD MOON <3 !!!

my eyes take their sweet turns glancing between the clean-cut male and his friend. jeno, i think jaemin said his name was. he is handsome. his chest is as hard as rocks, i can tell you that much.

"i'm not doing this" my breath catches in my throat and i feel the urge to throw up right then and there.

salty tears form in my eyes as i go to walk away from the two towers of men standing in front of me. they form a wall between me and the door. i'm not able to get an inch away before jaemin's warm hand encases my wrist.

his gaze is narrow and he stares at me and only me. the coffee i had thrown on him soaked the entirety of his hair and it slowly drips down his face, coating the rest of his body as well.

"get your hand off of me" i snap and his damp grip loosens. "can we talk please?" his body lean towards me and one of his brows raise. "talk?! you want to talk!? get your hands off of me and leave me alone" i try to wiggle out from him but his hand grips tighter and tighter the more i fight.

so tight it starts to burn.

"do not do this right here, not right now" he glances around, keeping a slight smile on his face. my dark eyes scan the room and i notice a group of school girls in their uniforms, one has a phone out.

i stop fighting and as soon as i do, he removes his hand. "you don't get to talk to me ever again na jaemin, ever" our faces are so close i can feel his breath fan over mine. i notice a few spit particles from my mouth fly onto his face.

i would've been embarrassed that that had just happened if we were a year in the past. but we're not. we're a year and a whole heartbreak between us now.

my feet take me over to the table with the girls and i lean over it. i notice one of their eyes go from mine down to my chest. i was lucky enough to be blessed with a full chest like my mother. it is no reason to stare though.

"eyes, here" i snap and she shrinks back into the booth seat staring at me in my eyes now. "delete the video please" i say to her friend across from her. "i- i- yes ma'am right away" her phone fumbles in her hand and i watch as she deletes it.

"thank you," i reach into my back pocket and throw a few dollars on their table, "get some more coffee to keep up on your studies, it's important and do not record random strangers even if they're with a famous person."

they all nod and i walk away from the table, breezing right past jeno and jaemin. i push the glass door open and as i do, i can see jaemin turn to follow me outside.

"you follow me," my body snaps towards him and he stops in his tracks, "you die."

my body jerks forward to see if he follows and he doesnt. i can hear the glass door slam behind me as i walk down the slight hill that takes place inside of the parking lot.

i turn the steering wheel of the car as i pull into a parking space in front of the cafe. it is jaemin and i's favorite spot to have a little get together with just the two of us.

he always said it was a date but we weren't dating so how could it possibly be a date.

the two of us open our doors and i swear the man wants to shove me back in the car when he sees that i have opened it for myself. "you don't know anything about chivalry moonie do you?" he asks me and i shake my head.

"nope" i tell him, popping the "p" in the word.

"well you're going to learn about it" he says, locking our arms together. although it is quite a short walk, the two of us take our time walking up the short hill to the front door.

the parking lot is more on a slant than it is completely level with the world around it.

when we reach the front door, he pulls it open before i can even reach my hand out for it. "chivalry" he leans in and breathes into my ear. "i get it" i chuckle as we walk through the front door.

the bell jingles and i smile at the sound. it is my favorite sound in the entire world, i liked how it rang every time we entered the small building.

jaemin and i order our usual, whatever drinks we want that day and a pastry to split between the two of us. we sit down at one of the tables and place the pastry in the middle like always.

this was practically one of our routines. we did this almost every other day.

my fingers reach forward and i pull a piece of the pastry off before i place it in my mouth and suck my fingers clean. jaemin watches the whole interaction.

his eyes on me is all i need forever. if i could ask for one thing for the rest of my life, it would be for jaemin's dark eyes to watch me do every task. his eyes make me feel like i'm important, they make me feel seen, they make me feel like i'm on a pedestal compared to any of the other 8 billion people in the world.

"have i ever told you that i love your lips?" he asks as he leans down and takes a sip from his drink. i nod. he has several times. "yes, quite a few. also my eyes, my nose, my ears, my freckles, my dimple, my scars, my hands, my legs, basically everything."

"that is because i do have a tendency to love everything about you miss. illiad moon" jaemin leans forward over the table, i think he is going to kiss me for a second.

"but especially these lips" his hand reaches out and his thumb swipes my bottom lip. it takes everything in my body to not open my mouth for him.

"you're perfect" he mutters.

a shiver runs through my body as i remember all the moments i have shared with jaemin. although we never really talked about it, i lost my virginity to jaemin the night of graduation. i don't know how it happened and to be honest i never expected it to.

i always believed that i was going to be a sad virgin for the rest of my life. i never liked my body and i never wanted to.

but jaemin made me feel different. he made me feel beautiful in my own skin even when i didn't feel like it. he made sure that i knew i was the only girl he had his eyes on, the only girl that he would ever see.

when he left me, that void was empty. i still needed to be seen and needed. i had yeonjun to fill that hole when jaemin didn't.

and i hate that he left me like that.

my feet start to drag as i inch closer and closer to home. i can feel my head hang low, i look much like a turtle. the soft fibers of my black coat cling to me. the sound my feet make as i drag them, echo throughout the silence of the night.

i continue to walk and think about jaemin when i hear a front door creak open. my head turns. jesus christ as if this night could not get any worse.

i try to walk faster but i don't have the energy to do so. "hey" hyunjin says walking up to me. i lift my chin for a second to look up at the sculpted male. he's still in the same tight white shirt. my eyes travel over all of the muscles that show through.

his pecs are pressed against the fabric and i can even see the outline of abdominal muscles. lord.

he's not wearing the same sweatpants though, he has a pair of flannel pajama pants on, they sit low on his waist and show parts of his skin and a beautiful v.

"illiad" he clears his throat and i realize where i'm looking. jesus christ why do i do this to myself. we hate him illiad remember what he said to you.

"you wonder why none of the boys in this school like you or have every wanted to get with you, it's because you use people and you set them up. just wait till jaemin sees you and what you do."

this doesn't look like the same boy that said those words to me though. his eyes were filled with anger that night, this mans eyes are filled with nothing but pain and sorrow.

dark purple bags lay beneath his small black eyes. they show the tiredness he faces. is he sleeping enough with his schedule?

"are you o-" he doesn't get the words out of his mouth before my head falls and tears start to leak from my eyes. i don't know how and i don't know why but i break.

i sob and sob as the boy stands in front of me. there was one tear, then two, then four and then hundreds seeking refuge anywhere other than my poor eyeballs.

my head falls forward and i rest it on his chest as i continue to let out the cries. i wish to pull myself off of it but i cant. i cry about everything.

i cry over the fact i had fallen in love with him when we were just friends.

i cry over the fact i wrote stupid letters to him.

i cry over the fact i let him believe they were ara gwan.

i cry over the fact i fell for jaemin.

i cry over the words hyunjin said to me on the night of prom.

i cry over the fact i left korea and all of my friends.

i cry over the fact i didn't get to see harley be born.

i cry over the fact jaemin broke my heart.

i cry over yeonjun seeing me as a hookup and nothing more.

i cry over everything in this god blessed life i could cry over.

i cry and i cry until my body goes weak and i am asleep.

AUTHORSNOTE.zip
hi guys i feel like my writing has improved
so much since the beginning of letters and
i hope you guys are enjoying this new side
of me. ive been reading like two books every
week so i'm starting to pick up on better
writing styles! i want to dive more into
illiad's sexuality, not meaning like actual
sexuality, but the way she expresses herself
sexually. it never was rlly talked about in the
first book but it's such an important part of
growing up as a female so i'm trying to
include that more and not be like cringed
with myself. i hope you guys loved this
chapter as much as i did! a lot happened
so i hope you don't hate me for that but
again, thank you so so so much for reading
never again! vote and comment for more
chapters!! first chapter of 2022!!