*— NARRATIVE

  "SO, you are in love," Aspen stated after my long, complicated explanation of what was happening in my mind. She was chewing on the end of a fry when I gave her a cold stare, making her shrug. "It sounds to me like you are in love with this woman! Are you not?"

"It's more complicated than that," I began, just to be cut off by the woman once more.

"Is it though?" We had a small staring contest as she stubbornly tried to prove her point. "Your dramatic ass wishes it was, but overcomplicating this kind of shit is useless. You like her, she likes you. Now get married and go write 13 more albums about her!"

I took a bite of my burger thoughtfully. We had ended up meeting at a small burger joint in the city for dinner and were currently at one of the shiny wooden tables in a small booth. "Maybe you're right..."

"Frankie, honey, I'm always right."

I nodded absentmindedly, looking out the window at the evening traffic. It was the time when everyone finished working for the day and began their travels home. "How do you propose I reach out now? I've basically ghosted her for two days!"

"We're not in high school anymore, Frankie. You be the fucking adult I know you are and call her or something. Reach out!"

"I can't face her! What if she's pissed?"

"What if she isn't? What if she's just worried that you basically died for two days? Huh?"

"It's not that simple."

"Stop saying that! You are clearly too stupid to see that both of you are completely in love with each other and it's my job to make this goddamn relationship happen as your best friend. So stop crying over your past mistakes like some wimpy teenager and do something about it!"

"I can't see her again, you gotta realize that, Aspen!"

"Why the fuck can't you see her?"

I sighed, placing my head into my hands. "It's just for the best right now, Aspen," I finally stated after we sat there in silence for a few minutes. "I should never have complained about wanting to be with her because...Skylar and Avery are right."

"The fuck?"

"Look, they're right. I have been pushing aside my responsibilities for this and...I owe the fans, you know, and it's not fair for them to have to wait this long. Luca and I have already come up with the basic outline of the album, we've already got some songs in the making. No more distractions, no more games."

Aspen stayed silent as I ran a fry through my ketchup.

"It's for the best that I focus on right now. You understand, right?"

The woman breathed out a heavy sigh. "Are you gonna mention him at all?" She finally asked, and I dug a finger into my thigh, the slight pain from my nail digging into my mind.

"You know the answer..."

"You should seriously tell someone. Or report him at least?"

"I can't report someone who hasn't committed any crimes," I pointed out.

"I would say verbal and mental abuse should be," Aspen said, crossing her arms across her chest. I didn't say anything as I glanced away. "The entire relationship was toxic, you were underaged, he violated you in so many ways-"

"It's fine!" I finally snapped, gritting my teeth as I cut my friend off. A tense silence fell between us as I clenched my jaw, frustrated and angry and sad and so, so lonely. "It's...fine."

She just shook her head. "Nothing about that was fine."

--

It wasn't hard to ignore my phone. It was, though, quite difficult to ignore Caitlin. Aspen's pestering had gotten to me, even when I hated to admit it, and I found myself wanting to reach out again. But then the guilt and frustration washed over me and I pulled away.

I would feel incredibly upset if someone were to treat me in that manner, leaving me with only a feeble text to compensate for it. I was already convinced that the woman hated me, adding to my distress. I was in the mindset that I had somehow sabotaged the only great thing going on in my life, and now it was utterly ruined.

Days turned into weeks, and I found myself slipping into a monotonous routine of restless nights, uninspiring meals, and forgettable appointments. Despite photo shoots and interviews on the horizon, I couldn't shake the feeling that these events would come and go without leaving a trace. Over time, I grew accustomed to the mundane existence I was leading.

Upon the advice of my doctor and therapist, I've been instructed to increase the dosage of my daily medication for managing my depression. Adding this task to my daily routine feels like another weight on my shoulders. I've noticed that I have less time for the things I used to enjoy, such as reading and having moments of solitude, and it seems like makeup has become a shield I put on more often than not. While I still make sure to take care of my body and eat properly, my daily shower routine feels more like a mechanical process, devoid of any real engagement. It's as if I'm moving through each day on autopilot, without truly being present in the moment.

I found solace in the studio, where moments of joy quickly gave way to pangs of loneliness. As my latest album took shape and bloomed, I withered away, morphing into a hollow shell of my former self. Despite this, I projected a facade of happiness each night as I gazed at my reflection, wearing the same insincere smile that had become a permanent fixture on my face.

The sense of loneliness that engulfed me was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Its intensity and sharpness cut through me, becoming an inseparable part of my daily emotional landscape. Loneliness started to define my state of mind, a feeling that was once unfamiliar to me but now seemed to permeate every aspect of my being. I could sense the profound depths of this emotion, but I hesitated to delve into them, preferring to stay on the surface where the discomfort was more bearable. It was already difficult enough as is.

I had gotten into the studio early, the clock showing it was barely 5:45 am. I liked to come in early when there were no appointments or events and work on my song. I had insisted I would write and produce this one by myself and had kept my word. I pulled one of the chairs over to the large desk where a series of buttons, levers, and dials were presented to me, waiting for my first moves.

I loaded the work in progress into the system, watching as the layers of the song showed up on the large computer screens. The vocals, beats, drums, and guitars, were all waiting peacefully for me to add or take away from the piece of art. I tapped a finger against the desk as I listened to it over and over, a rush of emotions boiling under my skin as I reached the end.

"Like daylight," I murmured softly, nodding slowly as I picked at my lip. "It's golden...like daylight."

I sat there, in a somewhat shocked state as I stared at the structure of my song which I had loved and held so close to my chest for so long. I missed everything so badly when I was on the road trip and we had gotten stuck in Iowa. I wished with all my heart that I could go back to those moments, live in them forever, memorize each word, each thought till I knew it by heart.

What a cruel reality this was, the obligation I was under to always bring fake happiness with me. To always smile and look like I am living my best life when I truly didn't want to be here. I loved making music, I wasn't mad about this part, but the process did remind me of how much I despised the world I lived in. Why did I have to become this to be an artist?

The phone that Sky and Avery had gotten me as a temporary replacement to my old one buzzed softly from its spot on the couch, but I didn't move to look at it. Though they had been frustrated by my somewhat childish behavior, they understood that I was struggling severely in the transition back into my "normal" life and cut me some slack.

I tapped the desk with my fingers thoughtfully, adding another set of drums in the back that tied everything together. I bobbed along, humming the words that were engraved in my mind.

A knock rang through the room, making me turn as I stared at the door. After a few moments, another two quickly followed. In my mind, I silently pleaded that the person would go away, hoping to whoever was listening that I wouldn't have to answer but it did not seem to be my lucky day.

A fourth, then fifth, knock echoed against the walls as I inched closer to the entrance, my mind racing in every possible way I could escape if the person turned out to be some sort of attacker. I unlocked the door and firmly twisted the doorknob, the door swinging open just as the stranger raised their hand to knock again.

"Oh shit!" The person exclaimed, jumping back a step as they retracted their hand. "My bad, my bad, sorry."

It was still dark outside, the air cool as it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. As my vision cleared, I realized that standing before me was a young woman with striking blonde hair. She was of a similar height to me, dressed in a comfortable hoodie and sweatpants. The faded letters "UConn" adorned the center of her sweatshirt. Her hair was neatly pulled back into a ponytail, with two delicate braids framing her face.

"Uhm...can I help you?" I asked hesitantly, keeping the door open only slightly as I hid behind the wooden surface.

"Yeah, yeah, uh.., you are Frankie, right?" The blonde asked nervously, fiddling with the ends of her hoodie as she shifted in place, moving her weight from one leg to the other. As I gave her a confused look, she rushed out hastily, "You don't know me, I know. But I - you know Aspen? Yeah, uh, shorter girl, hot as fuck, cool...that's not very descriptive. Fuck."

"What - who...who are you?" I was beginning to slide back into the safety of my studio, inching the door closed when the woman's eyes widened.

"Wait, wait, hold on, please. Look, I'm a friend of Aspen's - actually, more than a friend if you're asking me if you know what I mean." The girl continued to ramble on for another minute before realizing that she wasn't helping herself. "I'm Paige."

"I...have no clue who you are. Good night," I dismissed, beginning to close the door.

"Hold up, wait, please! I'm a friend of Caitlin's! We used to play basketball together. Come on, man!"

I froze for a second, sucking in a sharp breath. Paige took it as a sign to continue because she stumbled on to continue to say, "She - Caitlin - she asked me to look for you while I'm in the city. I - I play at UConn, it's in Connecticut, and we're buddies. It was a long shot, believe me, she knew it too, trying to find one lady in a massive city. But it turns out you're great friends with Aspen and she tipped me off and-"

"I'm sorry...but why are you here at 6 in the morning?" I interjected softly, unsure who this woman was, why she was there, and how she knew Caitlin and Paige.

"Look, dude - sorry, Frankie...I'm gonna be honest." Paige folded her arms across her chest, making a face. "I've seen the videos, I know the girl, she's in love. And I know it's probably not my place to say that, but you gotta know. And you can kick me out and get your fancy security team to haul me back to Connecticut but I was sent here on a mission. Caitlin is - completely and wholeheartedly - obsessed with you. And she's...well, she ain't doing great without you."

The blonde took a deep breath. "Just...send her something, anything to show her that you're still there. Please."

I breathed out, biting my lip thoughtfully. After a moment, I said, "Do you want some coffee?"

FROM: MONTIE

comment for double update???