{I know! I know.. I told you dirty little Cagers that this chapter was going to be called "I'm Not Sorry" but I had to change it... And I'm very sorry about that Sweetheart but maybe the original title "I'm Not Sorry" will make a return one day. Anyway, here you go! Take a little vent chapter and for those of you good Cagers out there, be prepared for a little surprise at the end... as always! enjoy 🤭}

"Y/N? My love? Can we talk or something, please..?"

[Don't move. Don't talk. Stay right. there.]

Johnny's voice echoes threw the bedroom door softly, the sound of sympathy and sincereness can be heard in his tone. You drag your fingers through your course, unloved hair as you gently rub your face and sigh out loud with a heaviness in your chest. The sound seemingly echoes around you, like it was tediously tip toeing to not disturb you as you think about responding to him. Honestly, you want to talk to him you're just incapable of it.. At least it feels like you are.

The last time you opened your mouth, it led to you screaming at Johnny for you don't even know what! Everything inside you is just screaming that everything is out to get you, that you need to escape. You need to feel safe and you don't know why you're not allowed to let Johnny in but you just know you can't! It's not safe- but at the same time, it's not safe for him to be out there.

[What if someone hurts our Johnny?]

Your head begins to feel waves of lightheadedness. You literally feel like your body is being morphed in and out with every wave of giddiness you feel and you're begging for it to stop. You can't even get your thoughts straight with how invasive and intrusive this pounding on your skull is. The hairs on your arms had a mind of their own and sprung up slowly, small bumps accompanying them to send a cold, unwelcoming shiver through your body. You couldn't stop your eyes from twitching around the room a little. You know someone was watching you.... Maybe..

"C'mon sweetheart, I'm so sorry.. Just let me look at you at least.. Pleeasse...?.. I wanna make things better..!"

The tone in his voice is quickly growing desperate, it always melts you every time he uses that stupidly vehement tone. He doesn't need to apologize to you though, you don't need it- you don't WANT an apology. You rub your face tenderly as you try and straighten out your mind a bit, maybe even stop the overwhelming thuds happening in your skull. Why is Johnny apologising to you? He didn't do anything wrong! He should know he didn't do anything wrong... even though you screamed at him that everything is... his fault and that you... don't want to look at him...
Hmm...

[Don't listen to him. It's not safe to open the door.]

Your mind won't stop spinning in a loop. If it had feet, it'd be stumbling over itself and refusing to just let itself hit the ground. Why are you acting like this? Nothing in the past few hours, or even days, has warranted this level of fight or flight from you. Why do you feel like everything around you is going to swallow you whole? Your eyes linger shakily around the room, you can't really pick up on your surroundings though. Sure, you're in the same exact bedroom as always, the exact same one you share with your boyfriend, but everything's.... different...

You bury your head against the insides of your knees, trying to avoid reality around you with the way that it is. You want this to end, you need this to end! You just want to be with Johnny. You just want to be safe in his arms so why are you convincing yourself that you'll shatter to nothing if you move? You're convinced that you will break beyond repair at the hands of- at the hands of!-... You lift your head back up to check your surroundings. For what? Well- You're unaware of the reasonings but you know you have to do it!

The plethora of movie posters your boyfriend has plastered along the walls over the years were all disoriented, warping and bending ever so slightly. They were all moving just enough to bestow more fear into the back of your brain, joining the ever-growing pounding you just can't seem to shake. A small tremble in your body begins to make itself known only adding fuel to the already out-of-control flame of the fires burning so violently in your mind. The action figures and toys seemed to all be turning to stare at you- no they were staring threw you. Their limbs were all twisting, shrinking and growing in ways you couldn't even begin to describe. You wanted to cry but your eyes stayed focused on everything around you. You wanted to scream but your voice was lost deep to the nagging thoughts of fear and lightheaded, fire enduced bursts. You wanted your boyfriend but you were too scared of reality to be able to admit it.

".. My love, I'm going to go find the keys to unlock this door, alright? I don't like how quiet you are right now... If you're asleep I'll leave you alone I just need to know you're okay-"

"NO!-"

[SHUT UP! HE'LL HEAR]

You slap your hands across your mouth abruptly, stopping yourself from speaking any further. Your brain wants you to believe there are things in the room, things watching you.. Things watching Johnny. And of course, Johnny being a celebrity and all, that's true! Of course, people are watching you and your boyfriend as closely as they can. Of course, they're gonna.. nitpick at everything wrong with you and remind you how insignificant you are to both them and your boyfriend... Of course... Your entire life, from the moment you started dating Johnny, has been at the fingertips of millions... to see...

[Of course, you're being watched.]

"Baby, you're going to unlock the door now, okay?"

[You can't, more of them- more of him! will get in.]

You stare at the door, wide-eyed and trembling, while trying to desperately convince your body to move. You need your boyfriend in the room, you need to see that he's safe, you need to FEEL safe yourself and you can only do that with your boyfriend in the room. You just need to walk the unbearably long 6 or so steps to the door without him getting to you... It won't be that hard. It'll be as easy as walking... Because it is.

"I'm not playing around with you anymore, Y/N. You're opening this door... Okay?"

All though he's trying to demand you to unlock the door all on your own, you can hear clearly in his voice that he doesn't have the confidence he usually does to back up his words. Somethings not right with your Johnny and you're not sure if it's because of how you've been acting or- or if he's getting to him.

[... You have 5 seconds to get your boyfriend. 5-]

You stumble out of bed frantically, accidentally tripping and landing on the ground with a loud thud.

[4-]

"What was that?"

[3-]

"Are you okay, Y/N?"

[2-]

You fumble over towards the door, barely grabbing the handle and unlocking it

[1-]

You swing open the door and grab Johnny before yanking him into the room, swiftly closing the door behind the 2 of you and locking it back up again. Your legs are quick to rush you back over to the bed, your knees tucking into your chest as you wrap your arms around them. You know you probably look insane right now but you can't stop seeing things, and to be frank, the fictional flames from your brain were starting to sound nonfictional, the cracking sound of wood running circles through your mind and body. You also couldn't risk the chances of being grabbed by him. Being taken away from your Johnny and never coming back to him. That couldn't be a fucking possibility.

"Woah woah.. Woah.. Baby, what's wrong?"

[We let more of him in by opening the door. We shouldn't of fucking done that.]

The subtle distortion of the wall decorations grow bigger and heavier. Your body is now starting to head towards violently shaking and you can't tell if the figures are actually moving or if your brain just wants to play more tricks on you. Your head grows heavier as you try and speak to your boyfriend, only earning more people staring at you for even attempting to speak again. Your fingers dig into your arms sickeningly as you finally try and look Johnny in the face.... Your attempts are futile, to say the least. You only managed to look in the mere direction you THINK he's standing in.

You're starting to wholeheartedly believe your reality is crumbling to the ground. The world as you know it seems to be fake, a lie you're telling yourself to ignore the fact you're always being watched. To ignore the fact that you've been this way for so long and just wanted to build a world around you that you could control.

[Of course, we can't control the world and we can't balance metaphorical plates forever. Eventually they need to shatter so we can realize where we went wrong.]

As you dwell on the crisis your brain dropped upon you, you look around the room again to see if anythings changed, to see if he's any closer to you or your boyfriend. You can't stand the thought of him getting closer to him.

[Why won't everything stop moving?]

As you desperately try to focus on something- anything! you can feel the warm gentle touch of your boyfriend on your shoulder. The weight behind his hand is meek but still enough for you to be aware of his presence. Another tender touch is felt on your cheek and before you can properly react, Johnny turns your head to face him, his thumb gently caresses your cheek as he looks down at you with soft, sad eyes.

"Sweetheart, please-... Pleeaasee just look at me... for a moment..?"

[... Okay...]

You look up properly and make eye contact with Johnny and it was right there when your world seemed to stand still. Everything around the 2 of you was still... wrong... but you didn't want to focus on that. You wanted to stay fixated on the boy in front of you, you wanted to stay with your Johnny. You may not believe in anything else right now but you do believe that the boy in front of you is your safe space. Your little sanctuary, if you will.

Unfortunately, you were so focused on trying to look at Johnny that you were unaware of him speaking. You couldn't even register that his mouth was moving, all you could look at were his eyes. Those soft, light brown eyes. They're so captivating like the stones shown so proudly on cliffsides, you just lose yourself so easily in them like a hiker in a deep forest. They shine so brightly in the sunset that you're convinced they turn to gold and you can't stop but wander down the dirt paths of his beautiful, riveting eyes.

The gentle shaking of your shoulder seemed to be just enough to snap you out of your little trance and reality undoubtedly came back into the picture. You couldn't stop yourself from staring at the contortion of the room around you and all those eyes were staring again. The sounds were so much worse, everything was growing so much louder. The static sound of blistering, popping skin scratched your brain in ways nothing had been capable of before. It was just prying at the back of your mind like a starved dog to a bowl of food. You didn't want to feed into these delusions but you genuinely couldn't stop yourself this time.

"Nono no, baby I said look at me.. You need to focus on me, okay?"

Johnny turns your head back towards him and smiles down at you lovingly. The expression in his eyes told you that he was scared and you don't blame him. You're acting insane.

"Can you try and tell me what's going on, My Love?"

[He won't understand.]

"No.."

"Baby cmon... I said try, didn't I..?"

Johnny's eyes almost look like they're begging now, pleading with you to say anything to him that could help him find a way to comfort you, to support you. You look around the room again to see the distorted eyes blaring metaphoric daggers into your aching body. Except now they were only growing bigger, darker. You couldn't take the staring anymore, you needed it to end.

The sound of popping skin started the grow a phantom touch to it and you're finding it harder and harder to ignore the fact that the muscle, tissue and skin on the back of your hands and the entirety of your forearms felt like they were burning right off your bones. You were pleading with yourself to push this ghostly touch out of your mind and to be able to look down and hopefully not see the burnt, melted flesh of your arms all over your knees, legs and bed.

"Okay... I'm gonna ask again, Princess... Please tell me what's going on?-"

"... the eyes..."

[HEY! WE DIDN'T-]

Johnny looks around the room inquisitively, examining it for these eyes you muttered about almost breathlessly into the air. Some part of you knows that the eyes don't actually exist while another part of you is screaming and pleading for them to just stop staring, begging for a way to get them to leave you alone!

"Y/N-... Sweetheart no one's in the room looking at you besides me"

[Don't fucking lie, Carlton!]

"They're right there...!"

You point your finger towards some of the action figures cautiously, almost as if having your hand out towards them like this left you vulnerable and weak. Left your hand as a target for them to attack. You're quick to retreat your trembling hand from the barren coldness of the room, wrapping it back around your legs where you were adamant was safe for you.

You couldn't tell if your hand was still normal looking or all red and blistered from the nonexistent fire you feel against your body but one thing you could tell was that you weren't going to pull your hand back out to check. Yes, your brain might've been telling you that you were in devastating pain but the fact that he could take you was more important in your mind then the potential 4th degree burns.

"My Love no ones-"

Johnny grows silent as he notices just exactly where your finger was pointing. Without another word, he walks up to the figures around the room and starts turning them around or throwing them in draws, cupboards, or just anything to get them out of your field of view. You sit lonely on the bed, body curled up into yourself as one by one, the eyes slowly fade out. That didn't stop the dreaded feeling of being watched but at least you can't see the eyes anymore.

Johnny puts the last couple of figures away, scanning the room quickly to make sure he got every last one of them before walking back over to you, his hands landing in the same spots they were in, once again. The touch quickly shoots another short-lived burst of security before you can sense the contentious feeling that someone is behind you.

"Does that help in any way, Sweet-"

You're quick to jolt your head around, your shoulders turn with it and subsequently turn the rest of your body around. Your eyes dart around frantically as you hysterically try and find the thing watching your every move. You're breathing grows uneven and you shuffle backwards on the bed a bit but you're quickly stopped by a pair of arms wrapping around.

"Baby! Princess, you need to settle down a bit. Just- what are you looking for baby?-"

"HIM! It! The thing watching me- US!"

You attempt to pull out of Johnny's grasp to look around the room some more but the grip he has on you is a lot stronger than you bargained for, one would argue he was grabbing onto you tighter than you were yourself!

"No ones-"

"LET GO OF ME! HE'S WATCHING ME AND I NEED TO FI-"

"Y/N STOP IT! YOU DON'T NEED TO FIND ANYONE!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING? OF COURSE I-"

"Y/N!!"

Johnny cups your cheeks feverishly, stopping you from searching the room any further. Your eyes seemed to shut all on their own, refusing to open again as you grabbed his wrists unthinkingly and dug your nails into them. Your body is just telling you it's the right thing to do. The burns on your arms were screaming at you to stop moving, to set your arms down in to one spot and leave them there until the pain stops but you couldn't. You need to find him.

[Just get free. Don't let him hurt you. Don't let THEM see you.]

"My love, pleeeaasseee just relax...!"

"N-NO-"

Your attempts appeared frugal, Johnny seemed unfazed by your actions and some part of you, way too far in the back of your mind, is grateful for that. The rest of your mind, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care about your boyfriend's words and attempts to get you to settle a bit.

"Y/N, I'm right here! You don't need to find this person!-"

You continue trying to get away from his grasp. Yanking at his wrists, kicking your feet against the bed to try and shuffle back, just anything. A few tears prick the sides of your eyes as you sit there in the coldness of the bed. You don't try and hide the tears either. No, instead you let them trickle down your face, subsequently on Johnny's hands as well, and you make little to no attempts to wipe them away. Johnny, however, wastes no time in wiping the tears away. The gentle rub against your cheeks was soothing but not enough to shut your brain off.

"Jesus fucking Christ-"

"JUST- LET. go of- ME!"

"NO! YOU'RE A FUCKING MESS!"

"JOHNNY! HE MIGHT BE-"

Before you could finish your sentence, Johnny cuts you off by pulling your face towards his slightly and leaning in for a kiss. Your lips collide gently, a soft shake of Johnny's bottom lip telling you he's not exactly sure what he's doing. You don't really kiss him back but, nothing inside of you is making you want to pull away.

Unfortunately, way up in the back of your mind, your arms and hands were somehow only burning hotter and brighter in it, so much so that you were convinced you could see the smallest, barely illumanious, red glow radiating from under your hoodie sleeves. The hairs along your backed flung uu in a hastily manner, sending a coldness down your spine that couldn't be explained properly even if you had a thousand years to try, it was unearthly how cold it felt against your searing body. You wanted to just claw your way at the skin your arms and rip off anything that was burning up, throw those parts of your body away and pray that the burning would end. You keep trying to push it aside because you love the feeling of being this close with your boyfriend right now but at the same time, half you isn't sitting in front of your boyfriend right now, it's standing around trying to figure out what this figure is.

You can't tell if you're conscious in this situation or just floating around the room but either way you are, at the very, VERY least, enjoying not feeling like your Johnny is going to be taken away from you, or hurt or something far worse than all of that, killed. The only thing this moment between the 2 of you isn't shaking out of your mind is the feeling of this figure doing something to YOU. This miniscule feeling of safety is quickly dragged away from you but not completely as Johnny pulls away from the subdued kiss.

"Are you going to listen to me now?"

"... Okay.. now that- was fucking cringy."

"Oh, I'm very well aware of that."

"Good, good. I just wanted to make sure.."

Johnny chuckles. The curves around his mouth shine ethereally as his eyes glisten with a subtle glee. Your chest tightens again but without the desire to fight or run away this time. It's a tightness only Johnny has ever made you feel in your chest and the only way to explain it as this; the tightness feels like you're dying.. but not in a way that causes one to be repulsed by it or contest with it. It makes you feel like- like you're just leaving this earth behind and are somewhere peaceful with your Johnny. A place that you can keep him safe in and not have to worry! The gentle glow of the moonlight