young and sad by noah cyrus

"Don't wanna feel numb or mad
until I go under
And I know that you only
want me to be happy
But I still feel lonely tonight
Don't wanna be young and sad
another day longer"

I sat in the lab with Steve, Mr. Stark, Dr. Banner, Agent Romanoff and Barton. All of us gathered around the holographic screen, showing a few HYDRA files. HYDRA still wasn't completely gone, so when Steve asked if I could give any intel that could be useful, of course I said yes.

"There's also a base here, at the Schoonebeek Oil Field in the Netherlands." I pointed to the map on the holograph.

"Do you think that's where Strucker resurrected you?" Steve curiously asked.

"I don't know even know how they brought me back, let alone where they did it. Plus, all my senses were off, I could barely see anything." I explained.

"That's helpful." Stark sarcastically commented, leaning against the table with his arms crossed.

"Well apologies, Mr. Stark, but I was a bit busy dying." I remarked in a cheeky tone.

"Do we have anything else on HYDRA that can lead us to Loki's scepter?" Steve cut in.

"It says here that there was a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent came pretty close to exposing HYDRA, before he was killed in 2010, killer is still unidentified." Romanoff answered, looking at her computer screen.

"Do we know who the agent was?" Barton inquired.

"Umm... Agent Sterling."

I immediately felt a hole form in my stomach that my heart dropped into. The blood drained from my face as I felt a wave of gravity pushing me down. I had to remind myself to breathe after I felt myself holding in a breath.

Agent Sterling, my first kill.

The Avengers only knew I became an assassin in 2012, two years after I killed Sterling. It could've been anyone in HYDRA, it was a simple shot to the head, after all. But it was me, I was the one who took Agent Sterling's life, among so many others that the Avengers don't even know half of them.

"Keep looking, and once we find a location, we can contact Thor." Steve instructed, but to me, it just sounded like background noise.

"I need a minute." I softly excused myself. Before anyone could object, I quickly walked out of the lab, as calmly as I could manage. I rushed into my room and quickly shut the door. I held onto the sides of my head as I let out shallow and fast breaths.

          What were you thinking, Sarah? These are the Avengers, you are nothing but a cold-hearted assassin, giving yourself into delusions of happiness.

           I felt anger and regret build up in me. Until it was all too much, it was burning and out of control. It was a forest fire in a bottle that just wanted to break free and destroy everything in its path.

Impulsively, I grabbed the vase on my nightstand and slammed it against the surface with my hand. The clear glass shattered as the water splashed across the nightstand and dripped onto the floor, with the flowers sitting in the mess. My fast breaths began to slow down as the pain finally started to kick in. I stepped back and sat down on the side of my bed, holding onto my wrist. I looked down at my palm, seeing the blood trickle down from the cuts of the glass shards. I winced from the pain, immediately regretting my decision. I let out a deep breath as I held the back my bleeding hand.

Three gentle knocks came from my door, most likely Steve. I let out an annoyed sigh, not being interested in talking to anyone right now, especially him.

          "Come in." I softly answered. The door creaked open and, to my surprise, Agent Romanoff came through the door. She instantly looked down at my hand, flooded in red. Staying silent, Romanoff opened the closet and grabbed a first aid kit from the top shelf, which I didn't know was there in the first place. She sat down next to me, on the bed and opened the kit to pull out a cloth and tweezers.

          "So, you wanna tell me what happened back there?" Romanoff questioned, grabbing my hand and wiping away the blood. I looked off to the side and let out a heavy breath.

          "I'm the one who killed Sterling." I whispered, but loud enough for Romanoff to hear. She simply let out a sigh and began picking out the glass from my hand with the tweezers. "Why am I here, Agent Romanoff?" I asked, breaking the silence. "I should be... in a prison somewhere in the middle of the ocean." I shook my head. "If I wasn't an Avenger's daughter, I wouldn't even be here." Agent Romanoff continued to listen until a silence fell between us.

"You know what I've done in my past, right?" She asked and I nodded my head in response. "But did you know that Barton was ordered to kill me?"

Agent Barton? Her best friend?

"I was on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s radar for a while, but when Barton was suppose to kill me, he didn't." I stayed quiet as I listened to Romanoff explain. "Instead he brought me in to work for S.H.I.E.L.D., and I'm sure you know the rest." She sighed as she wiped the remaining blood off my hand. "Barton saw potential in me, that I could do something better than what I was before. And Rogers sees that same potential in you. That's why you're here." I turned my gaze to Romanoff, meeting my eyes with hers as she tied gauze around my palm.

"Thank you, Agent Romanoff." I returned my mended hand to my side. Steve suddenly appeared and leaned against the doorway, crossing his arms. Romanoff turned her head to see him and then looked back at me.

"Call me Nat." She gave me a soft smile before grabbing the first aid kit and leaving the room, passing by Steve.

"Can we talk?" Steve interjected after Nat left.

"Doesn't seem like I have a choice." I shrugged my shoulders. Steve softly closed the door before sitting next to me on the bed. He gently placed his hand over my bandaged one that sat on the mattress. I creased my eyebrows a bit in confusion, but eventually held his hand back. I soon felt a sense of comfort from his hand holding mine, but the comfort seemed to turn to guilt.

"You know, the first time we met I tried to kill you?" I inquired in a soft tone, looking down at my lap.

           "Yeah, I remember." Steve nodded his head. "And I forgive you." He added. My head quickly turned to face Steve as I furrowed my eyebrows.

           "That's not fair." I shook my head and moved my hand to my lap. "What I did, is unforgivable. I have hurt so many people, I tried hurting you. You can't just forgive like that. How can you just forgive me like that?"

"You were forced to do what you did, Sarah." Steve empathized.

"Nobody forced me to kill Agent Sterling." I affirmed. I could see Steve's face slightly drop when he realized what I said. "Why are you so quick to defend me?" I asked in a softer tone.

           "Because I'm trying to be the friend you want me to be." He replied, giving me a sympathetic look.

           "Well stop trying!" I slightly raised my voice.

           "Why?" Steve questioned, a little less calmly.

"Because you're already perfect!" I blurted out, which he seemed to be taken aback by. I took a deep breath and shook my head. "You are just so perfect, and I hate it. Because a person like me doesn't deserve a person like you. Every single day, HYDRA would tell me that love is weakness, so much to the point where I started to tell that to myself, and now I feel I can't love anyone."

I was on the verge of tears as everything was pouring out my mouth. Four years of pain and guilt was finally being let out. "But you... you are everything that Mum said you were. And you are everything that I dreamed of, not for a friend, but for a father when I was a little girl." I started rushing my words as the tears in my eyes became heavier. "And all I did was just run away."

           "Sarah..." Steve sighed out.

           "And I'm sorry." I cut him off as the tears started falling down my face.

           "Hey." Steve quickly pulled me into his arms.

           "I'm so sorry." I sobbed into his shoulder as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

           "Sarah, I don't believe that anyone is incapable of love, not even you." Steve reassured as I continued to cry in his arms. "Those choices you made before, they've already happened. But now, you have a decision to make. You can keep running from your past, but you'll never be able to stop. You have to find a way to stand up and push back" My shallow breaths began to slow down as I felt comfort in Steve's words. "Sarah, are you going to keep running, or are you going to fight back and help people?"

I finally let out a calmer breath and a short silence came between us. I loosened my grip around Steve before we pulled away from each other and I wiped the tears off my face.

          "Thank you." I whispered, Steve gently nodded his head.

           "You should get some sleep." He softly smiled.

           "Yeah." I looked down at my lap. Steve took one last moment before he stood up from the bed to leave my room. That's when I felt a sudden impulse to say something, something I had never thought I'd say.

"Goodnight, Dad." I blurted out before he reached the door. I don't know where it came from, but it just felt right. He instantly turned to face me, which is when I immediately started to regret my decision. But when I thought he'd be confused, he formed a small smile on his face.

           "Goodnight, Sarah." He replied. I returned him a soft smile before he walked out the room and closed the door. I instantly let out a heavy sigh, shocked by what just happened. For years, Pierce would tell me how my father would never let someone like me into his life. He would call it deluded, I would call it deluded. Always thinking that Steve Rogers would never see me as anything more than another one of HYDRA's heads.

But what just happened was not what Pierce manipulated me to think. Steve was not being judgmental and disapproving. Steve was being accepting, accepting who I was and seeing me as someone who could do good after doing so much bad. Even before he knew who I was, he still put in so much effort to find me. What I've done didn't matter to him, all he wanted to do was help me.

I guess Sarah Carter always did have a dad.

STEVE'S POINT OF VIEW

          I sat on the side of my bed, holding Sarah's video camera in his hands.

          "You will know when the time is right." Peggy's words echoed in my brain. Even after four weeks of knowing who Sarah was, I still never took the time to look in the camera, because I felt that I had to wait for something else. Peggy said I would know when the time was right, and I trust her on that. Maybe this was what I had to wait for, for Sarah to finally accept me as a father in her life.

          This is the right time.

           I let out a breath before placing the camera on top of the plate Tony gave me. The camera's footage was instantly sent to my tablet on my nightstand. As I looked down at the tablet in my hands, I noticed a date in the corner.

          2/22/1954

          In the frame, I quickly recognized, Sarah and Howard Stark. Sarah was much more younger, she wore clothes from the 50's and had a smile that resembled the brightest suns.

           "Is it on?" Sarah asked, looking straight into the camera, her voice was a lot more higher than it is now.

           "It sure is." Howard smiled. "Happy Birthday, Little Carter." Howard ruffled the top of Sarah's head.

           "Hello, video camera." Sarah smiled into the camera. "We are in Mr. Stark's lab." Sarah turned the camera around to show a room full of science equipment. "That's Mr. Stark." Sarah pointed the camera at Howard. I formed a gentle smile on my face, seeing how happy Sarah used to be. In the video, I heard a door opening and someone walking in.

           "Come on, darling. I think it's about time to go home." I instantly recognized the smooth, feminine voice with an accent seeping through.

           "And that's my mum. She's very beautiful." Sarah moved the camera so that Peggy would be in the frame. Peggy gave a surprised, but also annoyed look.

           "Howard, I told you not to give Sarah a camera." Peggy leaned her hand against the table.

            "Come on, Peg. It's her birthday." Howard defended before Peggy rolled her eyes and shook her head.

           "Oh, alright." Peggy sighed. Sarah turned the camera around to face her.

           "I get to keep it." She whispered with a big smile. The video stopped before I swiped the screen left to go to the next video.

3/5/1954

"Here we are in London." Sarah appeared to be in a hotel room. "It's a bit cloudy outside. But, Mum told me we're going to a lavender field. I'm very excited." Sarah giggled before the clip ended again, but this time, the date stayed the same.

"I should be sleeping right now, but I wanted to show you the sprig of lavender I got today." Sarah whispered, sitting on a bed and holding up the purple plant. "It's very pretty and I-" The sound of footsteps, most likely from Peggy, was heard before Sarah quickly turned off the video in panic, which I let out a soft chuckle at.

3/18/1954

"This is Mr. Stark's mansion, by the way." Sarah was walking around the living room of a house, with her in the frame.

"Miss Carter, what are you doing?" A male voice asked with a heavy, english accent.

"I'm filming a video diary, Mr. Jarvis." Sarah cheerily answered.

          "Might I ask what for?"

          "I don't know, maybe one day someone will watch these." Sarah assured.

         "Who do you have in mind?" Jarvis inquired before Sarah took a moment to think.

          "I don't know." Sarah repeated in an unsure tone.

          "Oh Edwin, let the girl make her little movies." I heard a woman remark with a thick, Hungarian accent.

3/29/1954

The next video showed a living room, smaller than the one before. In the frame, I saw Peggy and Sarah, hand in hand. The two were dancing and laughing like everything in the world didn't matter but them. I felt a warmth in my heart and my smile grow. Sarah seemed to be born into such a lonely life, yet she managed to turn it into something so beautiful.

Seeing who she used to be, a happy, innocent kid from 1954, it broke my heart. Because the girl in the next room, the one I've only known for a month, had all of that ripped away from her. She was treated like nothing, so much to the point where she's sees herself as nothing. All I wanted to do, from here on out, was protect Sarah from every wrong thing in the world, protect her from being hurt ever again.

Because I love her.

an // i told yall it was gonna be a big chapter :DDDDD

okay so i really like this chapter but the thing is, it can feel like it came too fast. but then again, the time between steve finding out and now is one month, so they've already been friends for a whole month. plus, it's not like it's a romantic relationship, it's literally a father-daughter relationship, most fathers love their child the second they first see them.

i feel like i'm trying to convince myself more than all of you guys.

but anyways... yay we're seeing some growth with sarah :)

i lowkey cried writing this.

we're so close to the end of the book tho...

okay that's all, bye lovelies !!

KILLERKÖNIGIN | CAPTAIN AMERICA'S DAUGHTER
BY QUEENWANDAMAXIMOFF