𝟎𝟏𝟑, 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝖿 ?!
𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐈𝐍': 𝗉𝗂𝗇𝗄 𝗉𝗈𝗇𝗒 𝖼𝗅𝗎𝖻 𝖻𝗒 chappell roan
(been obsessed with this song since the Grammys)

𝐣𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐚'𝐬 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰

I've never had a boyfriend.
I've never been on a date.
I've only had one kiss.

I didn't seem to care about those things until Imani came around, as a kid it confused the hell out of me. My entire life it was always been a boy and girl, never a girl and girl and that's what's I was told.

But there was mani making me feel these things as such a young age towards her.... a girl. I didn't understand it and I was too afraid to even wrap my head around it.

Until, my older cousin who I hooped with every single day out at the park grounds came home for thanksgiving with a boy.

Everybody had thought that was friend and nobody really said anything because our family was always welcoming. We went around the table saying what we were thankful and then it was seth turn, "... and im always thankful for Aiden", he spoke with a strong voice and his head held high.

That's when everybody realize that Aiden wasn't just a friend because when he finished Aiden cupped Seth hand and interlaced them. I smiled at the sight and when it was my turn I went and said, "I'm thankful for Mani", I said with same strong voice and my held high.

I quickly regretted it the next morning, my chest felt heavy as I walked down the stairs for breakfast right before school. My parents sat at the kitchen island whispering to each other about me.

My shoes made a squeak as I made it down the last step into the kitchen. My dad was the first to turn away from my mom's whispers and look at me.

I felt like I was in trouble and I knew it was because of what I said last night. I could feel the burn in my throat and the tears bubbling into my eyes. I tried to be brave and not cry but I felt like they were staring at me in shame so I busted out crying.

"Oh baby", my mama said sliding out kitchen stool walking towards me and pulling me into a hug rubbing her hand up and down my back. "I'm sorry so mama, I-i- didn't mean it", I choked on my cries.

She pulled away from the hug and wiped my tears with her acrylic nails that were freshly done then she brushed my hair off my shoulders and onto my back giving me a smile.

"It's okay Ju", she spoke with a soft caring tone. I was so confused, I expected her to yell at me and tell me what I said was wrong but she was doing the opposite.

I looked over to my dad who stood behind my mom sharing the same smile she had. "I-I'm not in trouble?", I ask and they laugh shaking their heads.

"No baby you're not in trouble, why would you be in trouble?", she asks. I fiddle the end strings of my backpack as I looked her into the eyes.

"Because what I said was wrong ma. I shouldn't have said that but even though it's wrong", I trial as I finish my sentence. "I am thankful for Mani", I say.

She nods her at me, "I'm sorry Ju. I'm sorry that you've grown up to think that what you said was wrong because it isn't.", she said. "We've always painted this picture that's it's meant to be a boy and a girl but it can be whatever you want it to be Ju", my dad spoke up.

"Really?", I ask. "Yeah, it's all up to you and what you feel. No matter what me and yo mama gone love you the same", He said.

That's when I realize what I said about Mani wasn't wrong and what Seth said about Aiden also wasn't. We felt that way and we had every right to be.

After our talk that morning, I felt better than I ever had before because now I didn't have hide those feelings from my parents and they were always there for me to talk to.

Though I still kept it from Imani, I never got the chance to tell her. Now I was sitting here in my dorm throwing the small orange basketball up in the air wondering if she knew.

The signs were there, Right?

"When you first meet me what did you think?", I ask Malia randomly. "Juju I can't right now, I only got ten minutes left on this quiz and I'm only one question twenty out of fifty", she spoke waving me off.

I rolled my eyes sucking my teeth, "whatever", I mumbled. Soon Vivian came into our dorm waltzing in with Bobby (her spongebob plushie) flopping onto my bed.

"The nerve you got", I say but she ignores me scrolling onto her phone. She literally popped into everybody room with no notice and no care in the world but she was chill so I didn't mind for real.

"Viv", I call her name and she hums in response twirling Bobby around by his leg. "When you first meet me what did you think?", I asked since Malia couldn't answer.

She hums into space as she taps her finger on her chin, "like in what context?", she asks stopping her hums. "Just any context", I say and she go back to humming.

"I thought you were too damn shy, I was like girl loosen up we ain't gone hurt you and I thought you were really prettty andddd that's pretty much it", she answered.

Damn.

"So your gaydar didn't go off?", I ask and she pauses looking at me. "I don't have a gaydar", she says and I suck my teeth. "Everybody has a gaydar", I say. Malia joins in, "Everybody but Viv, she thought Dom was straight until she saw a tik tok of Dom and her girlfriend pop up on her for you page", Malia said.

"Oh damn you really don't have a gaydar", I chuckle a bit. Vivian rolled her eyes, "Why does any of that matters? I thought we were talking about first impressions", She defended herself.

I snapped back to her question, "Because I wonder if people look at me and go oh she got sugar in her tank", I say a little bummed.

Theres a silence before Malia and Vivian laughed, I looked at them confused. "What the fuck funny?", I asked. Malia cleared up her laugh,

"Be so for real juju literally a blind man can tell you got sugar in yo tank by miles away", Malia said. Vivian nodded, "I thought that was like an obvious no questions asked typa thing", Viv mentioned.

Oh.

"So you're saying mani knows?", I asked letting the words slip before I could catch myself and when I did immediately face palmed myself

Vivian and Malia went on a series out ouuuuu, "Who Mani and why you want her to know that you a lil queer so bad", Vivian asked.

"I-no... it's not like that", I start. "She's an old friend, we ended shit off on the wrong foot and we just became friends again. I promise that's all it is", I say.

Malia looks at Vivian, Vivian looks at her and then they both look at me. "Okay", is all they say not pushing the issue further but I knew they wanted to say more.

"Unt unt don't do that now... What?", I whined. "Nothing Ju. You and Mani just friends and that's it... like you said", Malia waved off focusing back on her quiz and Vivian went to scroll on her phone.

What the fuck.

Now I'm starting to second guess everything from the moment me and mani met, to that thanksgiving, to our talk, everything in between until this very moment now.

Me and Mani were just friends, Right?
Yeah... Right.

No.

Me and mani were friends because both of us are too afraid to take a step beyond that. All we've been to each other is friends because if we became something else that meant much more than being friends.

I wanted much more but all I could think about was the what if's that came with it.

What if we lose each other again?
What if she doesn't feel the same way?
What if it doesn't work out?
What if...

I was scared of all the what if's that I became familiar with settling with the bare minimum of just having Imani as a friend because it was the safest option and I didn't have to question the what ifs.

Ignoring the feelings I felt because I was a coward. I had only just got her back and I didn't want to lose her again, I don't think that risk is worth taking.

Or is it?

"You okay Ju?", Vivian asked and I nodded in response still far in my emotions but I wasn't okay. The much more that I wanted with Mani isn't something I wanted it was something I needed.

I needed Imani, I need I felt towards her wasn't possessive or demanding that I just needed at the moment.

It felt more of someone I needed forever.

It always came back to is the risk worth it and the what if's but what if I thought differently about the situation. Instead of thinking it all going wrong it'll all go right.

I would have to try and put in effort, I would have to show her and myself that the risk is worth taking and there's no what ifs to worry about because we'll be alright.

We don't have to settle with the bare minimum of beings anymore and we could be whatever we wanted to be together and more.

So Juju?
What you gone do?