i loved her for her silence
or maybe,
i just understood it

benjamin alire sàenz

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ASTRID CHATTED HAPPILY beside Cedric and Atlas as the three of them walked towards the entrance hall. They had all been looking forward for the first Hogsmead weekend of the year- especially Astrid, since it was her first time going.

September passed by quickly, the green leaves turned orange, and the sunny sky had darkened over the transitioning month. Studies had gotten more vigorous, but surprisingly, Astrid was excelling in almost all her classes. Almost. She had been going regularly to her classes, sometimes rather begrudgingly, all except for defense. Ever since the boggart lesson she seemed to have built up some sort of resentment towards Professor Lupin. She avoided him at all costs, memorizing his schedule to make sure they wouldn't cross paths.

She knew her marks would reflect poorly, but that didn't matter much to her when it came to his class.

"We'll go to Honeydukes and then Zonkos... Oh! And then, we'll go visit old man Burttie at the music shop!" Atlas said, adjusting his green and silver scarf.

Astrid sighed happily, her smile wide as they got closer to the doors. "I thought you were banned from the music shop?"

"Well, he's old he'll never notice," Atlas cleared his throat, his hands fiddling with the bead bracelets on his wrist. He had been previously banned due to accidentally, definitely not stealing a Julian Meadows poster.

Cedric shook his head, rubbing his hands together. "Just because he's old doesn't mean he wont rightfully kick us all out- Merlin it's cold," he interrupted himself as the large doors had opened, the wind breeze coming into the castle. The October weather was sporadic, though over the passing weeks Astrid noticed the wintery cold bleed deeper into the autumn weather. "These gloves work for nothing."

"Don't be ungrateful," Astrid replied, rolling her eyes. "It was my most thoughtful gift."

Cedric brought the his hands up to Astrid's face, showcasing the knit gloves that evidently had the worst craftsmanship. She could see the skin of his palm through the many little holes in the knitting. "Sid, gloves are supposed to keep your hands warm, not make them colder," Cedric complained, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Is there a heating spell in your book?"

Astrid groaned, pushing him with her arm. "I told you, the book is meant to harm people, not help them."

"It's my birthday month," Cedric whined, giving his best version of puppy dog eyes.

Astrid pushed him aside, but nonetheless she muttered a spell under her breath and Cedric felt his hands heat up. He grinned in gratitude, his right arm slinging over her shoulder. They had just celebrated Cedric's birthday the weekend before, and the elation was still very present in the trio. Astrid and Atlas showered Cedric with gifts- perks of being part of a wealthy line, they both claimed. His birthday festivities had been going on throughout the entire month, Astrid and Atlas were determined every year to make Cedric's birthday better than the last.

The line to be checked into Hogsmead seemed to be never-ending, Astrid wasn't sure they would even have time to go to any shops if the line kept going this slow. She had gotten her house-elf to sign her permission slip- shockingly, he had legible handwriting and his cursive mimicked her Aunts perfectly. She always silently thanked whoever taught the house-elf to write so well.

The three had finally gotten to the front of the line, their eagerness was practically pouring out of them. But just when Flich was about to review Astrid's permission slip-

"Ms. Lestrange!" A voice had called out, their nearing footsteps were growing increasingly loud. Astrid furrowed her eyebrows, looking around until her eyes finally stopped on Professor McGonagall, who was walking directly towards her. Astrid froze, there was no way McGonagall could've found out that her house-elf had forged the slip right? She asked half of her house and they all agreed the signature was beyond believable.

The professor finally reached where Astrid was standing, a confused Cedric and annoyed Atlas by her side. "Argus, I'm very sorry for the disruption, but Ms. Lestrange is temporarily forbidden from going to the Hogsmeade village-"

"What!?" The three exclaimed in unison, all looking at McGonagall in complete disbelief. "Professor, but my Aunt signed the slip. Look!" Astrid said hurriedly, grabbing the paper from Filch and practically pushing it into McGonagalls face.

She ignored the paper- thankfully the interruption as well. "Ms. Lestrange, you're lucky you're not being expelled."

"What?" she asked once again, this time alone. "Is this about Snape? I missed his class ages ago!"

McGonagall pursed her lips, Astrid was sure her patience was thinning. "No, this isn't about Professor Snape. Why don't you follow me Lestrange. No complaints," she added sharply after seeing Astrid's hesitation.

Astrid gloomily said goodbyes to Cedric and Atlas- who both looked equally displeased. The walk with McGonagall was completely silent. Astrid still wasn't sure whether the professor even liked her, she usually assumed the obvious answer but McGonagall had never shown any animosity towards her. Astrid hoped the professor at least tolerated her.

McGonagall led Astrid into her circular office, right beside the Gryffindor common room. Astrid had only seen the office once briefly, and she gathered that most students weren't familiar with the office either. The round room had large floor-to-ceiling windows, and almost all the furniture was wooden- the different wooden finishes surprisingly fit together perfectly. A complete opposite from her Divinations class. Astrid sat in one of the wooden chairs that were placed in-front of the grand desk. She stared expectedly at the professor in-front of her.

"Ms. Lestrange, you do know you haven't been to any of Professor Lupin's classes since the first day of term, correct?"

Oh, so this is what it's about, Astrid thought. Part of her was grateful that it wasn't about her avoidance of Snapes double detention. "Just call me Astrid," she started, her voice uncharacteristically shy. "Ms. Lestrange seems too formal." She talked like she did at home, her posture straight and her hands closed in her lap.

"Astrid, I do believe Lupin has taken personal offense at this point. He says that you've been avoiding him." The professor smiled, and Astrid felt her body ease up. She rested her back against the chair, and her fingers stopped rubbing against each other.

"Not necessarily Professor McGonagall. Well, the universe must not want us to interact, you see. And who am I to defy the fates?"

"Professor McGonagall makes me feels too formal." The professor shuddered, imitating Astrid.

"Sorry, Minerva then-"

"Call me Minnie, Astrid." She smiled, reminiscence in her eyes. McGonagall watched Astrid closer than the rest of her students, she wouldn't admit it but she felt suspension when Astrid was placed in Gryffindor, enough for her to keep an attentive eye on the girl. She watched Astrid blossom from the timid girl to who she was now. She watched her noticeable change around students like Finnigan and Diggory. She watched the castle- unbeknownst to Astrid, become enamored by her. The mysterious persona luring anyone in, and the witty comments that could only be overheard, making anyone want to experience it themselves. Astrid was an enigma, a secret people just couldn't figure out. And she didn't even realize it. McGonagall felt like she knew the girl all too well.

"The fates can always be wrong Astrid. And considering the fact that if you do not pass this class then you cannot pass third year, then I truly do think the fates are wrong about this one."

"Minnie, Defense is boring," Astrid dragged out her words like a toddler. "And Lupin's lessons are horrible."

"You're classmates seem to think Professor Lupin is the best defense teacher they've had," Minnie countered, Astrid concluded that she must've thought the same.

"My classmates are also widely know as nitwits, so I wouldn't take their words into much thought."

Minnie shook her head. "Astrid," she began, her voice motherly- a foreign sound as it entered Astrid's ears. "I can't do much about changing the Professor-"

"Bummer."

"But," she continued, ignoring Astrid's interruption, "I can assure you that if you appear to class and do the assigned work, then we'll have less of these meetings."

"Sorry?" Astrid asked, her eyebrows furrowed. "Are these meetings going to be a monthly occurrence now?"

"Weekly," Minne corrected, "Every Saturday, which is why I told Mr. Filch you were temporarily banned from the village. Unless and until you get back on track with your classes, the suspension will be in place."

Astrid crossed her arms, "This is really unfair, y'know. Dean was right, you did want to spend your Saturday's with us. Can Dean join?"

"Mr. Thomas is on track to pass his third year."

Astrid sighed, she really was looking forward to going to the village. She was sure Atlas and Cedric were having a great time right now, probably lugging bags full of cool stuff and sneaking around the music shop, hiding from Burrtie. "Can you switch Divinations?" Astrid asked, her face downcast. "Trelawney is a nutcase."

McGonagall pretended to not hear the insult towards her colleague. "Muggle studies or Arithmacy?"

"Of course, Muggle studies. Arithmacy is real-life torture."

Minnie let her go shortly after, leaving Astrid to mull in her thought-filled mind. The future wasn't something Astrid ever thought about- the subject was left purposely absent from her mind, a topic too uncertain for her comfortability. Stableness was a privilege Astrid had as a filthy rich orphaned thirteen year old, and the future always entailed thousands of decisions, events, stuff that could knock her from her high chair. So therefore, Astrid found the word future or the phrase 'what'll you become?' terrifying.

Astrid didn't care how the money got to her gringotts vault, or how the money was probably stolen from hundreds of others. She didn't care what her families did to get to where they were, because boy was she glad to be rich. She had enough money to provide for generations to come without ever stepping foot into the real world. Sure her future was left in a juggle due to her fear, but she definitely knew what she didn't want. And that was to be a part of a world where she knew she didn't belong.

Astrid closed her eyes, her head feeling too heavy for her weak shoulders. She wasn't so certain how that many thoughts invaded her mind in such a short time, but she hoped the placidity of the gryffindor common room would quiet her mind.

The common room was alit by the blazing fireplace and yellow string lights, trophies and tapestries covered the brick walls and books were stacked on-top of each other in random piles all over the floor. The red couches were worn and scratched, so plenty of blankets were placed to hide the old- but so comfy couches. Astrid entered the room, her nose filling with the smell of firewood and cinnamon. She thought she was the only one missing out on all the Hogsmead fun, but tossing a golden snitch up at the air, there he was- Harry Potter, his face just as doleful as Astrid's.

Leave, leave, leave.

Astrid stared at him, her back pressed against the entrance door. He hadn't noticed her, and she couldn't decide whether to run up the stairs or out the door. She was still arguing the two decisions in her head when the golden snitch flew right in-front of her, she stumbled back frightened. And if the floor creaking didn't alert Harry of her presence then her shrill scream definitely did. She looked up at where he was on one of the red couches, emerald green met winter grey, this time in a different light. Their eyes soft against the flames and their minds running wild against the soundless room.

No, no, no.

"Er- I didn't mean to frighten you," Harry said, his stare was something Astrid couldn't quite describe. Strange and unfamiliar, she looked away.

"You didn't frighten me," Astrid replied, stuck to her spot. She opened her hand tossing back the golden snitch that she managed to catch in her panic. "The ball did."

Harry smiled, his glasses moving further up the bridge of his nose. "It's a snitch, not a ball," he corrected, his voice barley above a whisper.

"My Uncle owns a quidditch team. Of course I know that."

"Then why'd you call it a ball?" He asked, tossing the snitch back into the air.

Astrid shook her head, her eyebrows coming together. "It's the same thing isn't it? A round sphere that you toss around."

Harry mimicked her, shaking his head just as she did. "A snitch is much more than a ball," he began, "It's the centerpiece of the entire play, a sign that represents hope which then turns into victory- of course, for our team it always represents victory which is thanks to me-"

Astrid furrowed her eyebrows, laughing at the surprising peak into his personality, "I didn't come here to get lectured on quidditch. And much less for you to boast on about yourself," she said, walking towards small seater beside him.

Harry's ears turned pink, and his face became an even brighter shade of pink. "Well- I um- I wasn't boasting on myself. And I know you didn't come to get lectured- I'm, I'm just informing." he replied, the shyness poured back into him as he played with the wings on the snitch. "Wait, why are you here? I saw you in line for Hogsmead."

"Turns out Lupin really is out for me," Astrid smiled at Harry's confused face, her blush lips clashed against her pale skin. "He told McGonagall I've been avoiding him and now she has me on suspension. We're the only two miserable people in this castle missing out on all the fun." Astrid crossed her arms, her smile turning sour.

"Lupin is just looking out for you."

Astrid rolled her eyes, "You're only saying that because he teaches defense against the dark arts and because he knows you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Never mind that," Astrid shook her head, glad that Harry didn't seem to think much of it. She looked out the window, as she had done most this week. Dora still hadn't replied to her letter telling her that unfortunately her Aunt wouldn't allow her to stay for Christmas, she hoped to get a response soon. "Hey Harry?" Astrid asked suddenly, interrupting the seconds of silence. He hummed signaling for her to continue, "What do want to do after this- After Hogwarts I mean?"

Astrid didn't want to press on his personal life, hell, she barely knew him. But she just couldn't resist, surely he had to be just as lost as her. "Well, I want to visit my grandparents house, Corinna tells me about it all the time. I can't now because of the Dursleys- My version of the evil family. Oh, no sorry, I really didn't mean it that way," Harry retracted, his worry sincere.

Astrid smiled softly, "It's fine. I mean you're not wrong," she promised, her assurance just as sincere. She smiled at the mention of Corinna Prewett. "I've seen the Potter Manor. It's beautiful, and very big, you'll love it. My grandparents live around there."

Harry's eyes lit up, the green became a pool of curiousness and excitement. "I've only ever heard about it." he started, his focus trained on the snitch in his hands. "And I also want to help as many people as I can, I was thinking about maybe becoming an auror or a healer. Or maybe even a teacher."

"Don't you think you'll get tired of it?"

"Helping other people will never bother me. I don't know how people who are more than capable of helping can just sit around and do nothing." Harry replied, his response was quick like he had already had it in mind.

Astrid remained silent, his words pierced into tainted morals, and she suddenly didn't want to even look at him. She was part of the people he spoke about, she hoped he didn't know that.

"Hey," Harry said, his voice soft as he turned to look at her, "Did I offend you? I- I didn't mean to, I promise."

Astrid looked up once she was sure her distaste was well hidden. "No, no," she said to his face full of worry. "I'm just tired, that's all."

Harry hummed in response, leaning back to his position on the couch. He continued tossing the snitch around, not minding Astrid's company. It was a mutual decision to skip dinner, as none of them moved once the bell rung. Sparked conversation flowed between the two unexpectedly easily. Jokes were effortless and they discovered to have much in common. If only they also dismantled the differences this early on, it would've saved them so much heartache.

"I have something for you- from Mione," Harry said, his ears turning pink. He dug into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled, stained and folded up sheet of paper. He handed it to Astrid, who took it with curious eyes. "She's a bookworm y'know?"

Astrid opened the paper, and inside she found a list of five books- all muggle books. She recognized two, which she had already read. "The whole universe knows that," she joked, putting the paper into the side of her silver converse.

Emerald green met winter grey for what seemed like the hundredth time again. The flames were burning out and the string lights had turned off a while ago, leaving the moon to illuminate the small space shared between the two, a moment not even the Gods could impend. Harry's eyes remained on Astrid as she spoke, he took in every detail; the birthmark above her left eye, the small spill of freckles that were only on the bridge of her nose, the dimples that showed up if she smiled hard enough. How could he not fall for someone as mesmerizing as Astrid? How could anyone not? She consumed him whole for those couple hours, enough for him not the notice the attack that had occurred, enough for him to not care about the homework he was supposed to have completed, enough for him to forget all about the dementors that haunted him. And just like that, she could now count on two hands the amount of times she had talked to Harry Potter.

Unintentionally, and completely against the fates, Harry would soon fall irrevocably for someone who was much too far for him to reach.

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